4 years ago, I was sleeping about 4 hours every night. Many of my closest friends at the time had, or were in the process of, leaving me and I would cry from the loneliness. I was fighting with my parents and wanted to leave home. They thought I was exaggerating and attention-seeking. Every appointment ended with “we can’t help you” or “there’s nothing wrong with you” or medications that made me worse, to put it lightly. More than once I wanted to end it
This morning, I woke up after sleeping for 9 hours in a room built by my dad specially for me, so I would have a space for me if I stay at home longer because of my health. I texted my best friend who yesterday asked me to be her bridesmaid. Before asking me, she spent weeks making sure it would all be accessible and fun for me, not stressful. My mum brought my medication in for me, ones that actually make me feel better, and asked how I was feeling. Later I’ll text one of the members of my lovely and amazingly supportive medical team to see when we can video call. We always have tea when we call, and cookies or a cupcake- food doesn’t scare me so much anymore. Every appointment ends with “you’re doing so well”. I haven’t hurt myself in years, I actually stopped counting, and when it all gets too much I know I have people I can talk to and strategies prepared to get through it and it will pass. Life is still hard. But it keeps moving, and I’m so grateful.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it will be ok. It might not be now, and I don’t know when it will be, but it will be. It doesn’t all happen at once. Things are still hard. But one day you’ll wake up and be so glad you didn’t leave, because you would have missed these moments of happiness and love, and some of them-probably more than you realise- wouldn’t have been possible without you.
When you do online shopping am i the only one doesn’t really like starting on top of the page and then scrolling down to the bottom? I like starting at the bottom and then scrolling to the top. I mostly do it when i play dress up games to look for inspiration for my drawings.
But it depends on how much i have to scroll thorugh to reach the bottom of the page… Does anybody else do this?
Also merry belated christmas or happy holidays if you don’t celebrate it.
Well.. i’m to the final step in taking my drivers lisence on thursday. Bc on thursday i have my driving test. I’m really worried that i won’t pass.. bc i get overwhelmed really quickly. Any tips and tricks to be less nervous during the test that i can do? I have worked for it since may and now it’s November.. already half a year has passed.
I have a huge fear of failing…. I’m usually very hard on myself when it comes to failure.
That autistic feel…. Lol but seriously these food separators are great!
I do that too. But i don’t have food seperators like that. So i just put the food as far away from each other as possible. I don’t really like when my salad get’s mixed with other kinds of (warm) sauces on my plate, i have nothing against it if i put it on myself.
So it’s kinda fun to look at my familys plate vs mine. Bc they aren’t bothered by it at all.. and i’m like ‘no no go away!’ almost everytime my food touch each other. If the food cold has touched the warm food i usually wont eat it. So my parents usually tell me i put too much food on my plate.
Question: How do you as an autistic person show affection? We all have our different ways of showing affection. Some of it may not be the (neurotypical) traditional way of showing love.
Answer: I occasionally hug people but not a lot. I’m not very affectionate. Sometimes getting hugged, cuddled or embraced in a hug (if that makes sense…) feels like a cage to me. Idk why but it makes me uncomfterable.
Wby you? How do you feel about affection from others? Or how do you show affection?
(I’m sorry i haven’t been updating much. But i just started in high school… and im very tired when i come home. But luckily its an all autistic class.. so we’re all autistic in that class)
I got my drivers lisence almost a month ago yet i’m still afraid to drive.. especially in the nearby city (where i even have driven?? before loads of time during my driving lessons).
In like 14 days i have to eat at a restaurant with my youth club. And i’m afraid to even drive there. Does anybody else struggle with this who is autistic and have a drivers lisence?
That moment when somebody tries to touch you and looking directly into your eyes.. my dad that sometimes. He puts both hands on my shoulders and look directly into my eyes. It’s so uncomfterable.. He got mad at me yesterday for flinching away and saying “don’t touch me”. He also thought it was violently embarrasing.. Sometimes i’m okay when people touch me and sometimes i’m not. Has anybody else experiences this or something similar? I’m sorry i haven’t posted in months.. i didn’t know what to write about plus school has been draining me for the past three months.
Something all the autistics I’ve worked with so far struggled with (including myself) are flexibility of thought, multitasking and quick decision making, especially under pressure. Below I write about autistic people in general, but of course not everything will be true for every autistic person out there.
If you want to break an autistic person and deplete all their energy as quickly as possible, then you put them in a job where things go fast, new, unusual tasks suddenly pop up and require quick, bold decisions and improvised solutions.
Why is that? In essence, it all comes down to one core thing: Autistic people need a plan, a script to follow, and they need it for everything, also for small things that most neurotypical people do spontaneously and without thinking.
I don’t mean that you as a superior have to provide these plans, and I don’t mean technical instructions. The plans I’m talking about are plans for handling “How to ask John about his weekend”, “How to start explaining what I’ve been doing at the stand-up meeting”, “How to walk past this group of colleagues without looking like a fool”, “How to order coffee instead of tea with my roll”, or even “How to look happy and pleased when receiving this gift”. It’s a premade plan in the autistic person’s memory, basically a recording of a simulation they’ve run inside their head beforehand. And I repeat: Autistic people need this premade simulation for everything. EVERYTHING.
Many autistic people have a huge number of plans for all kinds of problems, dialogues and scenarios archived inside of their heads, and if a script’s been run many times before, it can slowly be adjusted and applied to new, related situations or problems. The more scripts a person has and can work with, the more “flexible” they seem, so often this goes hand in hand with being older and more experienced. In reality, the scripts are not flexible at all though, which is why multitasking is almost impossible for most autistic people - the scripts were meant to be run on their own.
So what happens if you surprise an autistic person with something they have no scripts for?
If you are lucky, the person has a script for a similar situation they try to use instead, so they manage to handle the situation, but the way they act might seem “off”. Maybe they say strange things, or they are either too formal or not formal enough, too funny/relaxed or too serious and tense. This is, of course, because this script was not made for this situation - it was just their best fit.
If you are less lucky, the autistic person cannot find any script that matches the situation and their brain goes into “NO SCRIPT FOUND emergency mode”. They immediately become very tense, some freeze and go quiet, some start to stutter and fidget, some might tear up, and some will just stare at something and not be able to speak.
If the situation is very quiet and relaxed and there is a lot of mutual trust, then an autistic person might be able to work out a new script there and then, but be very patient.
Avoid surprising autistic people. Even when they can handle the situation, it will probably stress them out unnecessarily and cost them extra mental energy.
If you have autistic employees, it is your job as a superior to protect them, so they can do their job properly - and believe me, autistic people can be brilliant at what they do, if given the right environment.
So how do I protect my autistic employees from surprises? A few examples.
You’re at a meeting with the director, and they would love to see this new neat feature in the software you’re working on. Don’t suggest to just “pop over” to your autistic programmer, so they can show you! Depending on the person, you might either send them straight into a shutdown, or at least exhaust them for the rest of the day.
If you have autistic people attending a meeting, make sure they know beforehand what the meeting is about, what their role is, and what they are expected to contribute.
Don’t expect your autistic employees to make instant decisions. This also goes for non-work related things, like sticking a head into their office while on the phone with the pizza delivery guy and asking if they want anything. Give them time to think things through before making a decision, or don’t ask at all. Make sure your other employees are aware of this, too.
Make sure your autistic employees don’t get pranked or surprised, not even if it’s something positive, like decoration or a gift for their birthday. Most autistics have scripts ready for when people wish them a Happy Birthday, but everything else might send them into a NO SCRIPT FOUND situation.
In general: Don’t surprise your autistic employees with critical questions, challenges, decisions etc. unless absolutely necessary.
Ask them if they have the mental capacity to talk about this / solve this / decide this now, or if you should come back at a specific time you both agree on.
If possible you can also offer to send a summary via mail, and ask them to get back to you in person as soon as they’ve read and processed the issue at hand. Make sure to include if it’s urgent or less so.
If you are not autistic yourself, you might forget the “no surprises” rule sometimes, especially in the beginning. Or you might find yourself in a situation that urgent that you simply can’t give any heads ups first. It happens, and as long as it doesn’t happen often, most autistics can handle this when they are stable and mentally rested.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if they are (rested), though, and especially women are often really good at hiding their mental exhaustion.
Remember this:
If you address your autistic employee, and they either do not respond at all (blank stare), freeze up, just go quiet and do not say anything for a long time, or begin to fidget, stutter or shake, then chances are high they are in a NO SCRIPT FOUND emergency mode or in shutdown.
It is crucial that you remember that the autistic person is NOT ABLE to respond. They are blocked, and there is nothing they can do, no matter how hard they try.
They are also extremely vulnerable in this situation, so whatever you do, do NOT get angry or respond impatient or irritated. Do NOT put more pressure on them. It won’t help. My personal recommendation in this situation is to say as friendly and calmly as possible: “It’s okay, I understand you’re unable to respond. Let me know when you’re ready, okay?” Then let them recover in peace.
The most important part is to make sure the autistic person feels that it is fine for them to take their time and recover.
Many autistic people have trauma caused by people telling them that they are worthless burdens, that they are not trying hard enough, are lazy, or even deliberately trying to cause problems.
This is excellent. I would also like to add that it may also help to apologize to an autistic employee if a surprise / emergency / sudden situation comes up.
“Hey, (name)? I’m so sorry to drop this on you, but I need that spreadsheet ASAP.”
“(Name), I need you to stay till 10 tonight instead of 9. Jeff didn’t show up for his shift and I need somebody to monitor the cultures in the lab. I’m sorry, I know this messes up your routine.” (The caveat of this one is if you know this sooner, tell the autistic person as soon as you know and not while they’re about to go home.)
Showing a little compassion towards the inevitable distress shows you respect the autistic person enough to recognize you’re putting them in a situation that is more than inconvenient. It may be painful or extra stressful.
My biggest thing to add here is that a lot of this seems directed at office type situations, but lots of autistic people work retail as well which is super tough and ever changing. It is possible to create and follow scripts in retail situations, but it’s also a lot easier to get burned out (i would know, i work retail myself).
My biggest issue at work is that I’ll come in all happy and ready to go,work really hard for 3-4 hours, and then I’ll start crashing, and have to struggle through my last 4-5 hours. But because I’m crashing my mood will drop and I’ll become irritable and I won’t be able to watch my facial expressions or tones as much and this causes friction with my coworkers.
With that said, my biggest piece of advice is to be patient with your employees and encourage all coworkers to do the same. Snapping in someone’s face or asking 10 times an hour if they’re okay is not helpful. Give them space and time and they will come back when their energy does. Don’t take a change in mood personally, something has probably happened or they have run out of energy. Just be kind!
Thanks, it’s the constant masking and the forced confidence I’ve trained myself into presenting as a front to avoid being bullied for my autistic traits.
People I haven’t spoken to in years are messaging me to meet up when this is over with. Filling me with anxiety and avoidance ughh. Why am I like this.
Terrified of something that probably won’t even happen.
