#incorrect batfamily

y/n: [runs worriedly into the room]

y/n: what did you d O?

damian: no one died

y/n: WHAT KIND OF AN ANSWER IS THAT??

jason: you know you’ve made it when you see your picture everywhere

(y/n):

(y/n): jason- those are fucking wanted posters

jason: i had nothing to do with it

jason:

jason: okay, so maybe it was my idea BUT i feel bad about it

dick: fuck me if i’m wrong but-

y/n: you’re wrong

dick:i-

y/n:wROnG

dick: hey, remember when you didn’t try to solve all of your problems with attempted murder?

jason: stop romanticising the past.

tim, pouring monster and five hour energy into his coffee: I have no idea what i’m doing, but I do know that i’m doing it really well.

Jason: All in all, a 100% successful trip.

Dick: We lost Tim!

Jason: All in all, a 100% successful trip.

tim, sleep deprived and on his 5th cup of coffee at 8am: onion rings are just vegetable doughnuts

dick, used to this: uh huh

tim: lasagna is spaghetti flavoured cake

dick:

tim: lobsters are mermaids to scorpions

dick, on the verge of tears:stop-

jason: please continue

Bruce:so

Bruce: you lied to me.

Jason: that depends on how you define lying

Bruce: well, i define it as not telling the truth. how do you define it?

Jason:

Jason: reclining your body in a horizontal position

tim: stop correcting me all the time!

damian: stop being wrong and i wouldn’t have to

tim: why would you give a knife to a child?

bruce: damian felt unsafe

tim: now i feel unsafe.

bruce:

bruce: would you like a knife,

y/n: sleep is death with benefits

jason: oh, cool.

broosepayne:

Cass is out on patrol and sees Polka Dot Man trying to rob a Dollar General. After she shoos him away, she wanders down an aisle and soon finds the most absurd item in the store.

Cass, in full costume, approaching the cashier: How much?

Paul the Cashier, a fifty year old man who has been working night shifts in Gotham for over thirty years: Just take it. Christ.

—

Later that week:

Tim, stepping into the shower, sees this peeking out at him from behind his shampoo:

Tim: …okay

Tim, texting Cass: Did you give me a Rainbow Batman?

Cass: Pass along the Rainbow Batman for good luck

—

Jason, returning to his safe house after a long night, opens the fridge and sees Rainbow Batman standing knee-deep in his potato salad.

Jason: fuck is this

Tim, texting him seconds later: Pass along Rainbow Batman for good luck.

—

Over the next few months, Rainbow Batman circulates its way around most of the Bat-team. It bounces from Jason to Dick to Damian to Steph. Eventually it gets to Duke, who is tasked with presenting it to Bruce. He waits until Bruce is in a decent mood, then puts it on the driver’s seat of the Batmobile one night as they are all wrapping up a case.

Bruce, opening the Batmobile door:—thank you for your help, Dick. I know you’ve been busy. And Duke, I appreciate you altering your schedule for us. Steph, your intel was excellent. I’m very pleased with the outcome of this mission. You all managed to keep the insubordination at a tolerable level.

Jason, whispering to Dick: Damn, two thank-yous, a compliment, and only one passive-aggressive comment? Did he get laid or something?

Bruce, spotting the Rainbow Batman: I…

Bruce:

Bruce: This??

Bruce: Is this…

Duke, about to explain: Cass found it—

Bruce, clearly trying to process something, blurts out: Is this your way of telling me you all know about Clark?

Everyone:

Jason: called it

✨ Beautiful ✨

broosepayne:

On a stakeout one summer night, the Justice League gets caught up in the middle of a swarm of super powered mosquitoes. Chewed up, they go back to the Watchtower to regroup.

Hal: Fuck. Who has the calamine lotion?

Diana, flustered: What werethose?

Clark, never having experienced a mosquito bite before, on the verge of tears: :(

Bruce:

Hal: Hey Spooky, how come you’re not itching like the rest of us? They even managed to break through Clark’s skin.

Bruce: Bats can eat up to 1,200 mosquitoes in an hour.

Everyone:????

Bruce: *swoops out the door*

—

Dick: Hey Dad how was the League mission??

Bruce: Better than expected.

Tim: Any idea why Green Lantern has left fifteen hysterical voicemails asking if you’re actually a bat cryptid?

Bruce: No idea whatsoever. Would you please refill my Bat Mosquito Repellant?

The fact that this is something he would do is … I have no words

Dick, as a police officer: *making a list of all the escaped animals*

Zookeeper: The Tigers should be your top priority.

Dick: *scribbling out Ducks* Yes, of course.

Damian: *googling* What to do if a snake bites you?

Google: Elevate and apply pressure.

Damian: *lifting the snake up high* Apologize or else.

Doctor: Time to test ur reflexes.

Damian: *dodges little knee hammer*

Doctor, under his breath: holy shit.

Someone, pulling next to Steph with a Ferrari: Hey there, beauti–

Steph: If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle, it better be a food truck.

Jason: Why would people say “You can’t eat that for breakfast”!

Jason: Like time is a man made concept. It’s 5am in the morning and here I am, ready to eat this chicken popcorn.

Dick: We should settle this like civilized adults.

Jason: I agree.

Dick: So, a rap battle?

Jason: A rap battle.

Bruce: WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

Tim, mixing different energy drinks in a cauldron: You know there’s an indigenous word, used to describe people like you.

Tim:PARTY-POOPER

Tim: *violently opens the curtains*

Tim: Wake up or we’ll be late for the parade!

Conner: mY EYES!!

Tim: It’s called sunlight and it’s not that bright.

Conner: IT’S NOT THE SUN IT’S YOUR OUTFIT.

Tim, completely draped in pride themed sequin clothings:oh.

Tim: I think Alfred’s mad at you.

Jason: What makes you say that?

Tim: Because he’s cleaning up the mess you made and asked me to deliver this to you.

Jason, reading the note: “Young Master Jason, I hope this note finds you before I do.”

Roy: I don’t think we can mansplain, manipulate or malewife our way out of it this time.

Jason: *cracking his knuckles*

Jason: Manslaughter it is.

Tim: You like my personality?

Conner: I was surprised too

Bruce:Tim, Do you have any viable product ideas to contribute?

Tim: Multiple.

Tim:Which one should i present first: ‘Conditioner Gordan’, 'Alfred-no-fret Surface Cleaner’ or 'Bruce Bruise medication’

Board of Directors: :O

Bruce: Ah yes, more therapy sessions it is.

Steph: How dare you run a check on me?! How would you feel if I interfered in YOUR personal life?

Tim: I’d hate it and that’s why I CLEVERLY, have no personal life.

Jason: This is Dick, short for Richard.

Jason: This is Steph, short for Stephanie.

Jason: This is Cass, short for Cassandra.

Jason: Tim got lost on the way so I’ll introduce him later.

Jason: and this is Damian. He’s just short.

Steph: *during a game* Quick, name a yellow fruit!

Tim, panicking:Orange?!

Jason: *sends a voice message*

Bruce, texting back: I’m a little busy, is it urgent?

Jason: Oh don’t worry about it!

[later]

Bruce: *presses play*

Jason’s recorded message: BRUCE, THERE’S A F*CKING FIRE IN THE MANOR AND–

Jason, taking off his helmet to reveal another helmet underneath: Does this answer your question?

Roy: I never asked a question.

Dick, throwing confetti: You bring the razzle, and I’ll bring the dazzle.

Bruce: *while apprehending a criminal* Is this why you made me add pockets to your suit?

Dick: Yes and it is 100% worth it.