#incorrect quote

Klaus, chucking a baby Jesus figurine at Five: SEASONS YEETINGS

Klaus: We’re fuck ups, but we’re the good kind.

Allison: What’s the bad kind?

Klaus, pointing at Five who’s mounted a vending machine and proceeded to demonically screech at it:That.

Klaus: I can’t believe Diego! “Klaus, your hummus obsession has gone too far”. The JERK!

Ben: Uhm … are you … sure he doesn’t have a point?

Klaus, shaking and on his third hummus jar that day: Why would you say such a thing?

Klaus: Look at that son of a bitch

Diego:

Diego: People feel uncomfortable when you refer to dogs that way

Five: Oh, suck my dick

Klaus: That’s incest and pedophilia. It’s double illegal.

Ben: D I L L E G A L

try to tell me this hasn’t happened i dare you

Klaus: Foot fetishes are toe-tally valid

Ben: That was the worst joke I’ve ever heard

Klaus: I believe in what I said, Ben. I believe in it with all of my sole

Klaus, severely touch-starved: Sometimes you’ve just gotta be your own daddy.

Five, poking his head in his room: Hi sorry I overheard you and I’ve got a quick question: what the fuck

the academy at 3am

*hears a loud bang from downstairs*

Diego: Uhhhh what the fuck

Luther: What was that

Five, sighing: It’s too early for this

Vanya: Let’s go make sure nobody’s hurt

*they go downstairs only to find Klaus crouching over many fallen foods and the kitchen door wide open*

Diego: Klaus WHAT the fuck

Klaus: çrēåmëd ćørñ

Five: Fuck off

Klaus: Well only if off is okay with it

Vanya: Men are trash

Allison:Preach

Klaus: And I’m a garbage collector

vanya finding out about harold’s true intentions

Vanya: a human heart cost $442,000 and I gave you mine for free you ungrateful slut

Happy birthday Cameron!!

Vanya to literally anybody: *whispering* yeah uh, today’s my birthd—

Luther, crashing through the ceiling: TODAY’S MY BIRTHDAY BITCHES

*Five, clearly annoyed with Klaus*

Klaus: What? Why are you upset?

Klaus, softly: Is it because my shoes light up and yours don’t?

Ben: Hey … if olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?

Vanya: Oh, baby oil? It’s just—

Klaus: B a b y m i l k

Vanya:…

Vanya:Klaus—

Klaus: ᴹᵘˢᵗ ᵐⁱˡᵏ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵃᵇⁱᵉˢ

allison, holding up an unlabeled bottle: is this whiskey or perfume?

klaus: lemme see

klaus: *takes the bottle and chugs it*

klaus: it’s perfume

allison: i don’t dress to impress. i dress to depress. i want to look so good people hate themselves.

klaus, quietly: spooky scary skeletons send shivers down your spine

five:

klaus, steadily building volume: shrieking skulls will shock your soul, seal your doom tonight

five:

klaus, screaming at the top of his lungs: SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS SPEAK WITH SUCH A SCREECH YOU’LL SHAKE AND SHUDDER IN SURPRISE WHEN YOU HEAR THESE ZOMBIES SHRI-

five: SHUT THE FUCK UP

ben: is there a word that a mix between sad and mad?

five: malcontented, disgruntled, miserable-

klaus:SMAD

*debating*

luther: *finishes argument*

reginald: your turn, number two.

diego: yeah, so everything he just said is bullshit

grace: when you answer the phone, what do you say

diego: what up?

klaus: who dis be?

five: no, he’s dead. this is his son.