“The old answers came easily to mind. Money. Vengeance. Jordie’s voice in my head silenced forever. But a different reply roars to life inside him, loud, insistent, and unwelcome. You. Inej. You” JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MY GOD
Do you constantly think about how Leigh Bardugo consistently creates the most compelling aesthetics for her fictional settings from the foggy harbours and gambling dens of Ketterdam to the pristine halls and libraries and uniforms of the Little Palace, not to mention the snowy villages and forests of Fjerda…….. or are you normal
Beyond the realisation that I can draw sheer fabric using a layer effect on my app, this drawing was inspired by the heavier topics that SoC addresses, so only proceed if you are okay with the content. (CW: s*xual ab*se, f*tishisation)
One of the things I really appreciate from SoC is how Leigh wrote in the issue of fetishisation and exoticism of cultures and how harmful it is to the person of that identity. Beyond the abuse Inej endured in the Menagerie, it also broke her connection to her culture. Inej stayed away from silks after the Menagerie, even if it was part of her Suli identity. This made me wish for more insight on her relationship with her culture now after surviving the Menagerie, as sexualised stereotypes have always been very harmful and often seen when portraying female POC characters in the media.
Although my culture has yet to be fetishised in Western media (probably cuz it never appeared anyway lmao) this maltreatment exists in my own country against the women who don our own TRADITIONAL CLOTHES. They censor the exposed skin that traditional clothing cuts give in the name of “decency”, when our culture gave very similar clothing shapes for both male and female wearers. It’s all so disturbing, so I’m glad that Leigh addressed such a big topic that is still prevalent today, even if it isn’t as blatantly racist or sexist as it was before.
Credit to @emmaannaelisabeth for the wonderful characters of the Crows’ children. Thank you for letting me use them. <33
“I know…” Matthias trails off, how to explain this to a child? “I know the snow and ice can be unforgiving, but it isn’t entirely bad. You know that, don’t you?”
Jordie nods and Matthias continues, “Would you like to hear a story?”
Matthias isn’t sure how to speak with him, but a child of Kaz and Inej’s is smart, and Jordie is a sweet child. His heart warms as he sees Jordie’s eyes light up and nod eagerly, “Oh yes please!”
“When I was a child, near your age, I was given a crystal, it was beautiful, it looked like the most beautiful shard of ice that could never melt. I was told to treat it with care and for hours I did. But my sister bumped into me and I ended up dropping it, the point shattered when it hit the floor.”
“I was so upset, at my sister, at myself. I yelled at her and she ran, much like you did. When my father went out to search for her, I still hadn’t cared. He brought her home, half-frozen and weaker than I’d ever seen her,” Matthias shakes his head, even now the guilt weighs heavy, “She had always loved to sew, her fingers were slender and lovely, but when I caught sight of them, they were black. My father had brought the doctor to see her, it was frostbite, she lost most of her fingers.”
“This is a very sad story.”
“It was,” He nods. “For a long time she could not find happiness and I carried the guilt with me, but a year later, I was forgiven, but better than that, she found something new she could do, even without her fingers. She learned to paint, she couldn’t hold a brush, but with her hands on the canvas she was able to create the most beautiful pictures I’d ever seen.”
“Why have I never heard of her before, Uncle Matt? She sounds nice.”
“That’s a story for another time, Lille Demjin.” Matthias smiles warmly and ruffles Jordie’s hair.
“Don’t let the guilt of the past weigh you down, you are young, you must move forward. Do not hold on to the sadness. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Now you get some rest, it’ll be Christmas in the morning and you have so many presents to open.” The boy shivers and Matthias pulls the covers higher over his shoulders, but the room isn’t cold.
“Goodnight Uncle Matt, thank you for the story,” He pauses for a moment, “I’d like to meet your sister someday, there’s always room for more Aunties! And tell Lindie I say hi, please.”
“I will.” Matthias smiles and shuts the door behind him, Jordie will never meet his sister. She had died only two years after she lost her fingers, her last painting left unfinished, a pocket-sized portrait of Matthias- The only worldly possession he ever truly misses. Her death, even to this day, has left him learning the same lesson he hopes he taught Jordie. Guilt is a weight, it’ll drown you if it can.
——
Kaz had insisted that Inej needed rest, he would watch Jordie as he slept. She did her best to sleep, but it was restless, filled with the fear of losing her child.
Now she wakes with a start, Wylan is shaking her awake, she fights the urge to yank his hand off of her, I am safe, he is not here to hurt me. She takes a deep breath before she meets his eyes, even in the dark, and the concern rushes in.
“It’s Jordie.”
——
Melinda is scared, one moment she’d left the room with her Dads to go check on her friend, and the next JJ had woken up and couldn’t stop coughing. She’d run back to get her Da and moments later he’d left to get Inej with a worried look painted across his face.
She doesn’t get too close as the adults come into the room, encircling Jordie, they’ll take care of him. Jesper leaves from beside JJ to make space for Inej, walking over to stand beside Melinda.
“Da? Will he be alright?” She swears she sees a flash of fear in his grey eyes, but before she can think on it, he wraps her in his arms, maybe everything will be okay, she hugs him back.
Tears threaten to spill over, she’s trying so hard to be mature, she’s ten years old now, she needs to be a good example for JJ. But her best friend in the whole world is sick and everyone keeps looking at each other all weird, and there’s something they aren’t telling her and it makes her want to cry. So she does, she cries until Wylan stops talking and hugs her tightly and ruffles her ruddy gold hair until he convinces her it’ll all be okay. She just wants her friend to be better.
She isn’t allowed too close to his bedside, everyone is worried that she’ll catch whatever cold he has. He might be dying- Ghezen, don’t think of that. But she does, he might be dying and I can’t even hug him. He looks so tired.
She resorts to reading him a book from across the room, though she’s not sure he can hear her, he’s somewhere between sleep and being awake. The book is about an adventure, through forests and mountains, two best friends go in search of a treasure, fighting warlocks and dragons.
“Lindie?” Jordie croaks out, he sounds like Uncle Kaz.
“Yeah?” She stops reading.
“Promise me something. One day, you and I go on an adventure. I wanna meet a dragon.”
She nods, ”I promise.” She thinks for a second, ”What if he’s evil?”
“He’s probably just hangry, I’ll give him one of Auntie Ninny’s waffles.”
Melinda nods sagely before they both burst out laughing.
——
Nina feels helpless and the disappointed looks Kaz keeps giving her don’t help, he must think she doesn’t see it, but she knows. It hurts, but it’s no worse than what she already feels, the disappointment she already feels for herself, the guilt. All she wants is to help Jordie, but she cannot hear his heartbeat as she once would’ve been able to, all she feels is Death, creeping into the room, waiting to claim the child, he doesn’t deserve this.
It’s late at night before she makes her way into the kitchen, unable to sleep. Unsurprisingly, no one else has been able to either. Kaz and Inej sit at the table, both staring out into nothing, Jesper is sitting on the counter, hugging Wylan as he stands between his legs, his face pressed against Jesper’s chest. Only Matthias had been able to sleep, and even then he’s been mumbling things.
“Mind if I join you?” Her voice feels small in the heavy silence that blankets them all, any traces of hope are gone. No one acknowledges her fully, Inej sort of nods and Nina plops down in a chair, at least she can worry in the company of everyone else.
It’s even later in the night before she asks to speak with Kaz after Inej finally made her way to bed and after Jesper and Wylan did too.
“He isn’t getting any better,” How is she meant to say this?
“Obviously.” Kaz’s glares, she tries not to take it to heart.
“I can help him, Kaz.” She knows he understands fully and the look he gives her confirms her suspicion.
“No, Zenik, you cannot.” He looks down, but there’s no mistaking it.
“Brekker, give it to me, and maybe I can have a chance to save him,” Tears well in Nina’s eyes, “You and I both know this is our only option, Death hangs in the air, it’s waiting for the first moment of weakness from him.”
Kaz sighs, running a hand through that haircut of his, Nina knows it’s a hard decision, but she knows what he’ll say.
“I don’t have any.”
“Liar.”
Defeat is apparent in his posture, only the possible death of his son would make Kaz Brekker lie down like this, “Do you really think you could save him? Even after the change?”
Nina raises her chin, “I’d rather know I did my damned best than give up and just let him die.”
If only Eskil were here, if only he and Ava hadn’t taken the twins and gone to visit Ava’s grandparents, if only he weren’t in Ravka, if only he could save Jordie, if only… She pushes the ‘what if’s away” there’s not time for them now.
Who’s ready for the official Book of Night tour?! Join Holly Black in conversation with some VERY special partners, including @naominovik, John Scalzi, Leigh Bardugo, and more! Which stop will you be joining?
Artist Notes: Wanted to make a soft muted portrait for once. It’s hard to convince my brain not to make up some sort of elaborate scenario or use harsh lighting, so I’m trying to work on controlling myself a bit.
