when you’re a gay lion and you accidentally tried to introduce your lesbian lioness friend to one of her own exes at a gay bar and she goes into the bathroom and bitches you out for not being able to tell her endlessly rotating cast of girlfriends apart which isn’t really fair because first of all they all keep dyeing their hair different colors and second of all she keeps getting back together with different ones at different times and meanwhile you’ve been “single” for like 8 months but are spending a lot of time with one specific guy who works at your old co-op and were going to excitedly tell her about it tonight but now you’ve ruined the whole subject of dating by trying to introduce her to her own ex at a gay bar (which is a watering hole. because you’re lions.)
how is this so incredibly specific and yet somehow relatable
“The left wants to destroy the nuclear family.” Yeah maybe a little bit. I mean having 5 moms does sound pretty sweet.
Splitting my nuclear family of 92 Fathers, 92 mothers, and 146 children to create a nuclear family fission chain that wipes out everything in a 12 mile radius
“so which of you are the protons and which of you are the electrons”
Going to family court to see who gets to keep custody of the neutrons
I don’t know if you know this feeling, but today I saw a girl in public and she was the embodiment of bi culture. Like she was literally wearing cuffed jeans and a leather jacket. So I turned to my friend and was like “She seems hella bi” and my friend literally looked at me and told me she was actually bi. I felt so proud and just wanted to go to her and be like “YO, ME BI, TOO.”
So I was at a family gathering and, of fucking course, everyone was asking me if I had a boyfriend and I was really annoyed, but then my cousin suddenly said “Or maybe a girlfriend?” and my closeted bi ass was sweating
I don’t know why, but sometimes I’m like “BOYS!” and then other times I’m like “GIRLS!” and then again other times I’m like “BOTH!” and I just really feel the bisexual struggle
So I was at a little “party” yesterday and a pretty girl told me to feel the inside of her soft pullover, so she took my hand and i couldn’t function properly for the rest of the night
For example: Q: How do you know who’s on top? A: If she has a birthmark in the shape of Middle Earth on the back of her right knee, and eats 10 lbs of goat meat at 12:30am.
Like. I can read minds. Brainwash. Fly. Be an expert in biological warfare. I’m badass, simply because I’m gay. …And I’m okay with that.
I think the next time I run into one of those weirdos in the street, I’m gonna flap my arms around, and do, like, wiggly fingers, and tell them to run because I’m summoning my Gay Charms RIGHT NOW.
