Back on my mother fucking bullshit bitches. Here we go again.

My teacher: for our quarter final you will write a 8-10 minute speech of an interest or hobby

My interest and hobby: Depression music and scrolling through ED Tumblr

Me: HOW THE FU-

My mental illnesses: give up

So I wrote something, it’ bad, so just a cringe warning. Please don’t steal it(not that you’d want to lmao) but anyways yeah.

TW: angsty stuff, you know the drill

“Tragically Beautiful”

I want to be heartbreakingly enchanting

I want to be despairingly hopeful

I want to be grievously blissful

To keep falling deeper into depression until I glow because I’m the brightest thing in the inevitable darkness

To be immensely consumed by the scorching reality of my burning anxiety founded in fear, that I ignite into a mesmerizing fire.

To exist in a void of painful numbness until I disappear forever, where nothing hurts and I’m perfectly serene.

To be enveloped by an infinite number of demons, so that I am the closest thing to an angel.

To starve myself of more than love, causing the image reflected in the mirror to grow invisible, little by little it vanishes, eventually only a memory, a magical phantom of what once was real.

To pierce my lifeless complexion, letting out the enchanting crimson, emerging from the chasm I’ve made with silver, forming like water droplets, revealing that under the depth, I’m alive.

To convincingly wear my mask and skillfully play my part, a deceivingly perfect show I put on, costumes of lies and sets made of illusions. To keep my secrets, hide my imperfections, and bury my truths.

Heartbreakingly enchanting

Despairingly hopeful

Grievously blissful

I want to be tragically beautiful.

So my mom is doing like a two week fast with a break in between for Christmas dinner. Which means my dad is going to be in charge of dinner, which means getting food delivered to eat and not eating together at the kitchen table. This is my chance to skip dinner as much as I please, and secretly fast with my mom.

I don’t think normal people will ever truly understand the millions of thoughts that run through your mind and the agonizing pain of deciding whether to eat or not. The amount of questions and calculations that I can’t stop:

What’s the portion size? Can I cut it down? How many calories is it? How many calories is my limit? How many calories have I had today? How many left in my daily limit? How many calories have I burned today already? How many more will I have to? How many miles do I have to run to burn that? Do I really want it? Really need it? What did I eat yesterday? How many calories? What about the days before? What am I going to eat tomorrow? Is mom cooking dinner? What she going to cook? How many calories? Or are we going out? Am I able to fast tomorrow? How long? At what time will I finish this meal? How much do I weight today? What’s the difference between last week? How many pounds to go until I reach my goal weight? How many days left until my selected date to reach it? What about my waist? Will it go up an inch? How much will I gain?…and on…and on.

It’s never fucking ending. Even after you’ve already taken a bite.

I’m so happy. So this morning when I woke up my collarbones were more prominent than usual, and I had less back fat. Stepped on the scale just now, 135.00. I’ve hit my GW2 and my pre-quarantine weight. I’ve officially lost the 22 pounds I gained!

Tried on my favorite pair of jeans that I’ve had since 8th grade(Size 4, AE mom jeans). They’re still way to tight, but at least I can zip them up now, I couldn’t before, so it’s at least progress . 15 pounds to go before they fit right, but I’ll weigh less than that when I hit my UGW. Can’t wait until they’re perfectly loose.

Does crying burn calories? Because otherwise, this shit is overrated.

We’re all going to die anyways, so I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d rather die skinny than fat.

Anyone else feeling like absolute shit right now? Like, can it get any worse?

Never knew how much I missed touching my collarbones until I could feel them again, and I never want to go back to being so disgusting that I couldn’t.

Anyone else feel sick to their stomach over the election. I’m low key terrified.

Why can’t I just take all the Halloween candy in my house and burn it? Can I just throw everything else in my pantry and fridge in the fire while I’m at it? It wouldn’t be a threat anymore.

You know what I just want to say to people sometimes?

It doesn’t matter if people say I’m gaining weight or losing weight, eating too much or too little, either way it triggers me really bad. So please mind your own fucking business and don’t comment on my weight or what I’m eating. Thanks. Have a nice day.

Also, parents please don’t say negative comments about your children’s weight or how they look, I’m sure you don’t want to be a reason for your child’s eating disorder because whether you believe it or not, it can affect them.

Day 16-30 lmao

I just decided to finish this.

16- Well my whole life, but seriously this last time was early September when I went back to in person school.

17- The rational part of my brain knows I do, but I sometimes feel like I’m faking it and don’t deserve to be validated.

18- Icecream and cheeseburgers

19- The last time I ate fast food is probably last week

20- fasting

21- US women’s 8-10/medium

22- My lowest weight is 126. Back in February I started ED tendencies and lost 10 pounds in a short period of time. Then when quarantine started I was really depressed and gave up. I ended up gaining over 30 pounds.

23- Yes

24- I am against pro eating disorders because it can be very harmful. I am not pro and my blog is for my own mental sanity. I only use those tags because their popular.

25- No, I haven’t, but I’ve tried, and was unsuccessful.

26- Proving the world wrong.

27- I just tell myself I’m in control. Food doesn’t control me. I control it. I try to remove myself from the situation.

28- of course I want a thigh gap. I don’t want to feel my fat thighs smushing together.

29- Beauty is in the eye of the behold. And I believe everyone’s body is beautiful.

30- 10 facts:

• I hate bananas

• I love Harry Potter(I’m a slytherin)

• I am an INFJ

• My favorite color is lilac

• My favorite numbers are 7 & 11

• I hate my name

• My favorite candy is Twizzlers

• I love to sing and write

• Minecraft, Avatat the Last Airbender, and Doctor Who was my childhood.

• I want to be Intetnal Medicine doctor.

So my ex-boyfriend texted me out of the blue a little while back, we hadn’t talked in months. Anyways we chill now and friends. But he wants to hang out. I don’t want to bc Im so embarrassed about my weight since I gained since I last saw him. I would never get back together with him for various reasons so it has nothing to do with that. It just gives my so much anxiety but I want to hang out.

eatersneverprosper:

“Your brain alone needs 500 calories…” yeah well my brain should have thought about that before it gave me all these disorders

My brain should of thought about a lot of things before hand.

My mom deadass just said “You only hate me because I’m just like you and you hate yourself.”

I’m just gonna leave it at that.

Just a tip(and I totallllyyy don’t know this from personal experience): Don’t stand up on you bed and then proceed to jump off of it when you’re fasting. It might not be a pleasant experience.

You know what, fuck Corona. Like I know I’m being selfish for whining when it’s actually affecting people’s lives, but if quarantine never happened I’d probably be fine right now. I never would of gained like 40 pounds, or started developing and ed as a result. Now I’m in a hole I can’t get out of. I used to be thin and happy. Now I’m fat and broken.