Is anyone at the point where like your still fat but all of a sudden all the skinny people irl you see all the time and you always thing oh they’re so skinny good for them all of a sudden they’re not really that skinny anymore and everything and everyone around you is fat and ugly or is it just me and my body dysmorphia

A successful lie

Today my friend asked me to go to McDonald’s with her and I couldn’t really say no cause she’s kinda goin trough a thing and I wanna be there for her she doesn’t know about my ED so I had to act natural I ordered a 10 piece chicken nugget with a fountain drink (opaque cup to hide the fact I was drinking water and not soda) and I wore long sock to hide food in while she wasn’t looking each nugget is 49 calories I ended up tearing up two nuggets into fourths and hide the remaining nuggets in my socks I drank a full water bottle before I went I took a sip ate a piece then took another sip about half way trough I had to pee so I went to the bathroom and put the nuggets I hid in the toilet and then returned and I didn’t even have to finish the other nugget because I ate slowly and talked a lot so she got done with her food before I finished so in total I had about 74 calories during dinner and I was full enough from the water I didn’t even want to eat the rest EATING RITUALS WORK!!! :) :) so even though it was scary it was still successful of course I did go home and burn off 366 calories and I ended up losing weight today

I just broke my intermittent fast by eating these biscuits I’ve been craving for ages (calories unknown which is driving me crazy) and I weighed myself after and I’m 2 whole kgs heavier than yesterday

I’m freaking out but like it’s probably undigested food

I’m mad af myself since I haven’t been losing just gaining slightly and losing that

Ok I have this problem

I don’t know the word for it but it isn’t binging

It isn’t eating a lot without realizing what you’re doing

It’s like giving in to extreme hunger and eating anything you can find to satisfy that hunger

Almost like snacking?

It can be fruit or crackers, normally something small. Sometimes it can be like sprinkles if you’re desperate for food but don’t want to eat a lot

Does anyone know why this happens since it ruins my fast??

“Did you have breakfast this morning?”

“Yeah”

My breakfast:

Ed culture is either being overhydrated or dehydrated

Everytime I think I’ve made ANY progress I go on tumblr and then cry

Many interactions today so I’ll list them

1. My sister said “I’m actually beginning to think you have an ed rn”

2. My dad ranted to me (for like the trillionth time) that what I’m doing is wrong and I’m hurting my body and I’ll end up in hospital

3. My mom was shocked abt all the weight I lost

4. My sister thought I was sucking in my stomach but I was relaxed (same w/ my mom)

Hectic day tbh

I wanna walk into school feeling like a badass since I lost all my weight since last time school was properly open

Like I’ve already lost 5 kgs, pls just let me lose another (AT LEAST) 5 to get me down to 50

I’m working out and restricting, every. single. day.

Where are the results I was told I should get???

Remember when calories were a silly number on the packaging of food alongside some other random numbers

I’m so desperate to lose weight like I can’t live like this

It’s pushing me to the edge at this point

So recovery was the worst idea ever (thanks therapist ) and I have now returned to tumble after a… ahem a hiatus of sorts…

yayyyyy

Honestly I hate my body more than ever, I gained around 10 pounds between December and now which is soooo great, and to top it all off I’m going on holiday in less than a week and I just feel like complete shit. I’m not even going to be able to enjoy it because I’ll be too busy standing there and feeling like a whale ‍♀️

Throwback to the time I told a close friend I was anorexic and they said, “you don’t look anorexic.”

Still fucking hurts

It sounds dumb but the fact that some people just eat when they’re hungry and stop when they’re full never ceases to amaze me :0

Not my parents being so “concerned” about my weight and telling me I need to eat more, only to then shame me for eating a biscuit. Thanks, I hate it here

I’ve gained so much weight these past couple months cause my parents have been forcing me to eat and threatened to weigh me and stuff, and now my mum has just come up to me and said “I forgot to tell you but I’ve lost 4 and a half pounds this week on my new diet ” … I- I AM ACTUALLY ABOUT TO UNALIVE WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU MOTHER

Okay someone’s probably already done this before but the idea came to me and it’s such a self-callout atm so I had to

My new routine

For lunch today I had a binge/purge, with extra helpings of ✨self hatred✨ on the side

So this guy I’m talking to told me he only likes skinny girls and wouldn’t like me if I was chubby or fat, so I guess in some way it was a compliment/way of calling me skinny but tbh it just made me feel much more self conscious about my weight and body also fat phobia is not the vibes like….. no sir, I am the same person whether I’m fat or skinny, I may have an Ed but I do not support fat phobia

My bmi is 17.9….. I’m officially underweight??? Then how come I still feel so fucking fat eating disorders are scams smh

Uhhh… Does someone around my age wanna be fasting buddies because I need someone to hold my hand or else I will crack and eat?

Sooo…

I’m back to this blog! I doubt my stay will be any more permanent than the last few times, but I guess I just wanted to provide a little update on myself.

In terms of my weight, things aren’t going very well. :( I’ve been sort of fluctuating and even going higher that what I would normally consider my base weight. I’m not sure exactly what is causing this; my best guess is that it could be stress. I haven’t even been weighing myself the past several weeks because it’s just too depressing for me to have to see the numbers going up.

In terms of my mental health, well… It depends on the day, or maybe even the hour. I’ve been stressing over work along with my regular anxieties. Though recently I haven’t been working due to illness (I’m pretty sure it’s not Covid but I still kind of want to get tested just in case). I’ve also recently gone on SSRI medication for anxiety, specifically generic Zoloft. I was honestly hoping to be put on a stimulant like Adderall or Vyvanse for my ADHD so that I could lose weight from it, but oh well, I guess. I can only do so much to control what my psychiatrist chooses to prescribe me. As much as I tried to put emphasis on my ADHD, I guess it was a bit more apparent(?) how much my anxiety was weighing on me.

I have more motivation to write my suicide note than my AP Chemistry assignment

Back on my mother fucking bullshit bitches. Here we go again.

My teacher: for our quarter final you will write a 8-10 minute speech of an interest or hobby

My interest and hobby: Depression music and scrolling through ED Tumblr

Me: HOW THE FU-

My mental illnesses: give up

So I wrote something, it’ bad, so just a cringe warning. Please don’t steal it(not that you’d want to lmao) but anyways yeah.

TW: angsty stuff, you know the drill

“Tragically Beautiful”

I want to be heartbreakingly enchanting

I want to be despairingly hopeful

I want to be grievously blissful

To keep falling deeper into depression until I glow because I’m the brightest thing in the inevitable darkness

To be immensely consumed by the scorching reality of my burning anxiety founded in fear, that I ignite into a mesmerizing fire.

To exist in a void of painful numbness until I disappear forever, where nothing hurts and I’m perfectly serene.

To be enveloped by an infinite number of demons, so that I am the closest thing to an angel.

To starve myself of more than love, causing the image reflected in the mirror to grow invisible, little by little it vanishes, eventually only a memory, a magical phantom of what once was real.

To pierce my lifeless complexion, letting out the enchanting crimson, emerging from the chasm I’ve made with silver, forming like water droplets, revealing that under the depth, I’m alive.

To convincingly wear my mask and skillfully play my part, a deceivingly perfect show I put on, costumes of lies and sets made of illusions. To keep my secrets, hide my imperfections, and bury my truths.

Heartbreakingly enchanting

Despairingly hopeful

Grievously blissful

I want to be tragically beautiful.

So my mom is doing like a two week fast with a break in between for Christmas dinner. Which means my dad is going to be in charge of dinner, which means getting food delivered to eat and not eating together at the kitchen table. This is my chance to skip dinner as much as I please, and secretly fast with my mom.

I don’t think normal people will ever truly understand the millions of thoughts that run through your mind and the agonizing pain of deciding whether to eat or not. The amount of questions and calculations that I can’t stop:

What’s the portion size? Can I cut it down? How many calories is it? How many calories is my limit? How many calories have I had today? How many left in my daily limit? How many calories have I burned today already? How many more will I have to? How many miles do I have to run to burn that? Do I really want it? Really need it? What did I eat yesterday? How many calories? What about the days before? What am I going to eat tomorrow? Is mom cooking dinner? What she going to cook? How many calories? Or are we going out? Am I able to fast tomorrow? How long? At what time will I finish this meal? How much do I weight today? What’s the difference between last week? How many pounds to go until I reach my goal weight? How many days left until my selected date to reach it? What about my waist? Will it go up an inch? How much will I gain?…and on…and on.

It’s never fucking ending. Even after you’ve already taken a bite.

I’m so happy. So this morning when I woke up my collarbones were more prominent than usual, and I had less back fat. Stepped on the scale just now, 135.00. I’ve hit my GW2 and my pre-quarantine weight. I’ve officially lost the 22 pounds I gained!

Tried on my favorite pair of jeans that I’ve had since 8th grade(Size 4, AE mom jeans). They’re still way to tight, but at least I can zip them up now, I couldn’t before, so it’s at least progress . 15 pounds to go before they fit right, but I’ll weigh less than that when I hit my UGW. Can’t wait until they’re perfectly loose.

Does crying burn calories? Because otherwise, this shit is overrated.

We’re all going to die anyways, so I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d rather die skinny than fat.

Anyone else feeling like absolute shit right now? Like, can it get any worse?

Never knew how much I missed touching my collarbones until I could feel them again, and I never want to go back to being so disgusting that I couldn’t.

Anyone else feel sick to their stomach over the election. I’m low key terrified.

Why can’t I just take all the Halloween candy in my house and burn it? Can I just throw everything else in my pantry and fridge in the fire while I’m at it? It wouldn’t be a threat anymore.