First and foremost! This movie has strong triggers dealing with alcoholism, suicide and possible parental abuse so please keep that in mind.
Went to see A Star is Born after hearing amazing reviews about it, and definitely worth it. The story is intense and passionate and downright weird at times, and has an amazing soundtrack to boot. I don’t really love bluegrass music, but this movie has definitely made me a fan. And I loved seeing this side of Lady Gaga, she is so beautiful and was an amazing actress. After a tumultuous ride, the ending was almost cathartic if also heartbreaking and as you can all tell from my title, I think it’s going to be a strong Oscar contender.
Highlights:
Bradley Cooper produced and directed this movie and he’s an evil evil man for making me feel so hard
He’s also fan-fucking-tastic in this role. He’s gruff but sweet and sensitive and vulnerable and aggressive and stubborn he just wowed me
Lady Gaga is! so! gorgeous! And with a powerhouse of a voice. I loved her music in this movie, mostly the songs where she really lets her talent shine
Bradley’s brother in the movie is a very underrated character but I adored him and his relationship with Jackson.
Their puppy! I’m sobbing!
Anthony Ramos! My not so curly haired angel on the big screen for all to admire! He was so excited this whole movie, just bouncing around and smiling his whole face off. God I love him.
Soundtrack is amazing. I didn’t love the more pop-esque music that Ally did, but the bluegrass stuff was awesome and I downloaded the soundtrack the second I got home
The cinematography was very unique and I liked how they cut scenes together. They didn’t utilize a lot of standard use transitions, instead just leaping into the next scene. It adds to the overall feel of the movie
The relationship between Jackson and Ally is really odd at first and kinda made me uncomfortable with how forward Jackson was, but it evolves into something more tender as the movie progresses
I do think they’re some very harmful elements to their relationship though.I think the way Ally takes care of him and the way Jackson idealizes her is borderline toxic, but I can also admit that they have a very strong love for each other.
The circumstances they end up in are really just tragic at the end of the day, but they do love each other and to them that was all the really mattered. Which is very romantic and heartwarming to think about.
The final song kinda drives that home and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house
My overall rating is a 8/10. A Star is Born is real and tragic and heartwarming and I think it’s a must watch. It’s a remake and while I haven’t seen the previous version, I do think this one stands apart simply because of the way the events are planned. So I’m going to listen to Shallow another 15 times and not cry, so please grab your tissues and head to the theater!
Also I want to touch on something in the movie that isn’t spoiler free so I’ll include it below. Please don’t continue if you don’t want to be spoiled. TW: Suicide
So one of the most important parts of the movie, at least to me, was at the very end when Ally and Jackson’s brother (Bobby) are talking and Ally is crying and overthinking about what she last said to Jackson before he died and Bobby looks at her and tells her it’s not her fault that he died, it’s Jackson’s fault. This really meant a lot to me and I’m glad they included that in the movie, because at the end of the day when someone commits suicide it is their fault. And I don’t mean to say that in a negative, victim blaming way like people just do this for no reason– there’s always a reason and it’s always important. The reason isn’t their fault, but the action is. I just remember when I was depressed and suicidal in my teenage years and how I would blame my parents and my friends and society and my circumstances for why I was feeling suicidal and my current therapist told me that if I killed myself, I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. Because at the end of the day, no one is forcing you to die and there has to be some option out there that’s better than dying. That was really a turning point in my life and I’m really glad the movie touched on this.
And I don’t intend to speak on behalf of anyone who has felt or is depressed because my opinions and situations are not universal and I totally understand if people disagree with me.
This was long coming, I just don’t care for it nearly as much as I used to. Besides, I’ve met someone who made me reevaluate my views on discourse (pro tip: don’t fall in love with two enbies in a row?) and whether I need to be engaged in it per se? It’s difficult to explain, my stance hasn’t changed much, I just don’t care for it.
Y'all might have noticed that I haven’t engaged with much discourse lately as it is. Let’s just say my mental health didn’t take the hit of losing a support system as well as I hoped it would.
On the bright side, I don’t think I’ll try and kill myself ever again. And I’ll definitely purge much more of my online presence over time, once I have it.
I’m still going to be on this blog, don’t get me wrong. Just less.
They were right when they told me I’d know who my real friends were. And I’ll cherish these people more than I could ever before.
i’m so done…. i wanted to kms last night and i should’ve,,, two people called me ugly today and another gagged and called me gross…. i wanna bury myself in a ditch and die
okay so in drama class at school we had to write monologues from the perspective of a fictional character, and I went with Ophelia from Hamlet and here’s a bit from it;
(TW: mention of d3ath // implications of suic!de // implications of drown!ng)
I would just like to ask how I got away with writing this without a session with school counselor booked
WARNING: This story contains a scene of attempted suicide. If this will be stressful for you, please avoid it.
The world was topsy-turvy. It was spinning and spinning and spinning, faster and faster and faster. Like a top. Yes, exactly like a top. One with blue and white stripes. No, yellow and green. Green was the color of money, and money meant power meant being on top of the world, which was itself a gigantic top. Not that he had either money or power here. He couldn’t be on top of the world, so he was being punished by having his own world set spinning. His head was throbbing and the walls felt like they were closing in on him, and everything was whirling around and around and around and around and…
“Please, make it stop! Someone make the spinning stop!” Though he knew the voice was his own, somehow it sounded strained and distorted, as though it had been filtered through split pea soup. Split pea soup was green, like tops should be. But the tops weren’t green anymore. They had betrayed him, just like his own mind, which was filled with thoughts that danced and spun like invisible tops spun by a dexterous hand. Hmm. Invisible tops. Those would have made for an excellent weapon. But he wasn’t good enough for weapons anymore. He had failed, and so his tops and his mind alike had abandoned him.
“I am sorry! I meant to do better, I swear it! I promise I will do better! Please, just stop the spinning!” There was no response, and a nasty little voice that sounded like his father whispered in his ear.
“Don’t waste your breath, you stupid boy! No one would help a failure like you!” Roscoe whimpered, put his hands over his ears in the desperate hope that it would shut out his father’s voice, and started rocking back and forth in the desperate hope that it would drive off the worst of the fear. What else could he do in the face of a world that kept spinning round and round and round and round?
Suddenly, a bright light burst into his cell. Before he could determine where it was coming from, two guards came forward to block the light.
“This is what you get for causing trouble, freak!”
“Once you change your mind about talking to that bleeding-heart reporter, tell us and we’ll come get you,” one of the guards said. He stared at the guard in bewilderment. What reporter? It was the tops he needed to talk to, not a reporter! Then he noticed the girl standing between the two guards, and he understood. The guards were talking to her, not him. That made more sense. The guards never talked to him. They thought that he was too crazy to understand them, and sometimes he thought that they might be right. It was not a pleasant feeling, but since his tops had left him and the world had started spinning, any pleasant feelings were few and far between.
“I’m n-not going to c-change my mind,” a female voice said. Her voice wobbled like a top upon an uneven surface, and he felt a pang of sympathy for her. He knew what it was like to feel like your whole world had gone topsy-turvy. One of the guards laughed.
“Believe me, you will. A little girl like you won’t last two days in a cell with a lunatic like the Top.” The girl was shoved forward, and the cell door was slammed behind her. Roscoe looked at his new cellmate curiously. Whoever this girl was, he didn’t recognize her. At least, he thought he didn’t. Right now, he didn’t entirely trust his own recollections. She had dark skin, dark eyes that were currently wide with fear, and curly dark hair. In spite of their dissimilar appearances, she reminded him of Lisa. Like his beloved, she wore skates, even if they were roller skates rather than ice skates, and she had the same tiny, elegant skater’s build. Oh, Lisa, his beautiful angel! He hoped she was all right. The tops wouldn’t let him go to her. It was punishment for his failure. If he had gotten on top of the world like he was supposed to, he would be with her right now, but he had failed, and this was his punishment. He didn’t deserve Lisa now. He had been a failure. A failure! The world spun around faster and faster, and colors and shapes began to distort, and he felt a sense of overwhelming panic.
“I’m sorry, Lisa! I should have done better! I should have come out on top! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” For what seemed like an eternity, he battled thoughts and images that rotated through his brain too quickly to be interpreted. By the time the worst of the spinning abated, he felt nothing but a sense of crushing tiredness. He couldn’t even summon a sense of relief that the spinning had stopped, because he knew it would be back. It never left for long.
“E-e-excuse m-m-me, s-s-sir? I d-d-don’t know if you can understand me, but if you can-your dinner’s here.” He was puzzled by the voice for a few seconds before he remembered that he had a new cellmate, the woman-who-was-not-Lisa. His eyes darted around the cell for a few seconds before landing on a plate of food.
“You may have it. I have no appetite at present. You see, the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, and my tops have abandoned me. You can understand why I have no appetite at present. Why eat when reality itself has turned against you?”
“But you…y-you’re so thin!” Confused, he looked down at himself. He wasn’t sure what was more alarming: the fact that he was all but skin and bones, or the fact that he couldn’t bring himself to care. Eating was…it was too much effort. Besides, the tops were punishing him for his failure. He deserved to starve.
“It’s because of the tops. Don’t you understand? I’ve failed my tops, and my angel, and my father, so they are making me starve!”
“Are you….are you all right?” He was puzzled by the question. Except for Lisa, no one had ever cared for him, and right now, even his tops had turned against him. Why would this girl, who he didn’t know, care about a lunatic like him? It made no sense.
“Don’t worry about me. If you’re in Iron Heights, you have enough problems without concerning yourself with mine. I don’t want the tops to hurt you, too.” This is the only kindness he can do for her. He is a failure and a monster and a freak, and she should not suffer for his sake.
“You…you don’t want to hurt me?”
“No. No, no, no, no, no. You’re so much like my beautiful angel. I would not hurt someone who is so much like Lisa. You are good…too good to be here with the lunatic. I will not hurt you. Not you. No, no. I am a failure and a criminal and a monster, but even I can recognize a priceless, bejeweled top when I see one. You need to go away. If you don’t, the tops might punish you because I like you.” The words burst out of him like water from a fire hydrant; rapid and pressured. He can barely understand his own words, and he can tell from the girl’s face that she understands him even less. This doesn’t surprise him. He is not so mad to not know that something is badly wrong with him.
“I’m so disappointed in you, son. How will a lunatic like you ever bring honor to the family name?”
“Father, I’m sorry! I know I’ve failed! I’ll do better, I promise…but you have to tell the tops that! They’re the ones who are doing this to me!” Then there’s a loud bang, and he feels a sharp prick in his left arm.
“That’s enough out of you, nutcase.” And before he can work out what is happening, he is claimed by oblivion.
He misses the oblivion of sedation. There was no spinning there. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since he woke, but he does know that the tops have been punishing him with a vengeance as he lays here in the top bunk in his cell. His head is throbbing and his stomach aches and the world spins and spins and spins. Voices sound distorted and strange, his tongue feels like sandpaper, and his father’s mocking jeers come more and more frequently now.
“If I’d known that I was going to have a lunatic for a son, I would’ve had you aborted so that I could have had a normal child. You’re a failure and a freak, and we would all be better off if you died!” Worse, this voice has been joined by other voices.
“I’ve tried to make you see the error of your ways, but I guess some people are hopeless. If you have even the most rudimentary concept of justice, you should kill yourself for all the crimes you’ve committed.”
“Crimes, nothin’! He should die ‘cause he’s a freakin’ worthless waste of space! Ain’t that right, Dillon?”
“No! NO! Please, I didn’t…”
“Pathetic. What my sister ever saw in a snob like you, I’ll never understand. She’s too good for you.”
“You’re right, Lenny. I loved him when he was successful…but I can’t love a failure. If he wants me to be happy, the best thing he can do is to put himself out of my misery.” He took the words like a punch to the gut.
“You…you want me to die?” he asked weakly.
“We all want you to die, you idiot boy! Of course, knowing you, you’ll be too weak to even do that, but we can dream.” He almost laughed. His father underestimated him. If his angel wanted him dead for her own peace of mind, then she would get her wish. It wasn’t as though he had anything else to live for. His tops had turned against him, he was in constant agony, and the only people he cared about wanted him dead. But if he was going to give the lady what she wanted, he would have to move quickly. Otherwise, his weakness would kick in and he would lose his nerve just as his father had said. After a few minutes of intense, desperate struggling, he managed to remove his straitjacket. He tied one end of the straitjacket to the bedpost, used the other to form a makeshift noose, slipped it around his neck, and then jumped off of the bunk. The fall proved to not be enough to snap his neck as he had wanted, but the noose was tied tightly enough that death by strangulation was assured. It wouldn’t be his most poetic or pleasant death, but he would escape the spinning, and that would be enough. His vision was starting to grow fuzzy when he heard a screech.
“Guards! Guards, help! You have to help! My cellmate’s trying to kill himself!”
******************************************************************** Roscoe woke to find himself in the infirmary with the prison doctor, whose name was Dr. Adam Brooks, standing over him. He was extremely hungry, had a very sore neck, and wasn’t quite sure how he had gotten here. The last thing he could distinctly remember was taking off his straitjacket.
“What…what happened to me, Dr. Adam Brooks?” The doctor frowned.
“You tried to hang yourself in your cell, Roscoe.” Now that the doctor mentioned it, Roscoe could vaguely remember hearing voices that had told him that he was better off dead. Apparently he had decided to act on them…again.
“In that case, how am I still alive, Dr. Adam Brooks?”
“Your cellmate, Lashawn Baez, saw you hang yourself and screamed for the guards. When they found you, Correctional Officer Morrison rushed you to the infirmary. Their quick thinking saved your life, Mr. Dillon.” Roscoe was slightly surprised that any of the guards had bothered to save him, but since one of them had, it made perfect sense that it had been Correctional Officer Robert Morrison. He was one of the few guards in the Pipeline who treated the inmates like human beings instead of animals.
“I see. How long have I been here, Dr. Adam Brooks?”
“A week and three days. You were unconscious for two of them, and when you woke up, you were rambling incoherently, claiming that tops were punishing you, and obviously hallucinating. Warden Wolfe told me to ignore it and send you back to your cell in the Pipeline, but I refused, since you were clearly having a severe depressive episode. When he tried to say that that wasn’t reason enough to keep you in the infirmary, I told him that if he didn’t want me to do my job, he should find another doctor. Once he backed down, I had you put back on lithium in order to help pull you out of your latest mood episode. You’re not fully recovered yet, but since you’re awake and speaking rationally, I think you’re finally on the mend.” Roscoe looked at Dr. Adam Brooks in surprise.
“Why did you help me? I am a criminal, and I have never helped you. Why would you go out of your way to help the prison’s lunatic?”
“I helped you because you are my patient. As a doctor, it would be unethical of me to deny a patient treatment that they desperately need to survive.”
“But I was not sick, Dr. Adam Brooks.”
“Yes, you were. We’ve gone over this, Roscoe. You have bipolar disorder. You may not have a visible illness, but when you have a mood episode, you are very sick indeed. You have had five manic episodes, and this is your fourth depressive episode and third attempted suicide.”
“I do not have bipolar disorder, Dr. Adam Brooks. I may be temperamental, but that is only because I am a genius.” Roscoe wasn’t going to admit, even to himself, that the doctor might be right. His father had told him that the mentally ill were weak, and he was not weak!
“Roscoe, this is the second mood episode that you have had where you experienced mood-congruent delusions. That simply does not happen unless you are ill.” Roscoe scowled, wishing that the doctor would stop making sense. He couldn’t be mentally ill…because if he was, there would be nothing to protect him from slipping into lunacy once more.
“And what if I am ill, Dr. Adam Brooks? What does it matter? As soon as I go back to the Pipeline, Warden Wolfe will ensure that I am stopped from taking any medication. He allows no drugs there, no matter what their purpose.”
“You’re not going back to the Pipeline, Roscoe.” Roscoe laughed bitterly.
“Don’t mock me, Dr. Adam Brooks.” The doctor frowned.
“I’m serious, Roscoe. When Correctional Officer Morrison learned about your condition, he told Warden Wolfe that he would resign immediately if you weren’t moved to a part of the prison that would be less openly destructive to your mental health. The Warden resisted, of course, but between Officer Morrison’s popularity and my proof of your condition, there wasn’t much he could do.”
“And the two of you did this…for me? Why?” It just didn’t compute. No one but Lisa was supposed to care about him…least of all the employees of Iron Heights.
“Criminal or not, no one deserves to have their own mind turn against them.” Roscoe frowned, completely bewildered by the doctor’s response. He just couldn’t understand it. Why–and how–would anyone show kindness to a lunatic?
Please understand that I am not supporting the messages she sent. I acknowledge that the messages she sent were wrong, so does she. But can you let us rest please. I am not victim blaming. I spent the past week or so worrying about what happened to her, and then this happened and I didn’t even know she was the anon.
Y'all immediately knew it was her. Because you know that you purposefully made assumptions.
Part of me feels like you aren’t telling the whole story, but from what I understand, you hurt her.
It doesn’t justify the messages, especially not to the other blogs that didn’t. But please note, that ignoring someone and sending them a message that tells them to stop tagging you and using you for “clout” when she was trying to make friends, is rude. And then acting as though you have no idea why she’d be upset, is also rude.
I don’t think that someone being creepily nice, or “obviously” being fake for sending people encouraging messages, gives you the right to assume things about her, and then all but scoff when she deactivates.
And then sit here and act like she’s just jealous of your skill and that her actions over the course of an hour or so, somehow crosses a line with you, doesn’t excuse the time you spent ignoring her and blocking her for nothing but kindness and them exposing her for no reason and playing the victim when she comes back because she’s hurting. She wanted to be your friend.
Y'all mocked her.
I feel awful for all the blogs that received the message, which was copy pasted, and wrong.
And barely more than a couple of sentences doesn’t make what you three and @nafeary did completely innocent
TW suicide and nafeary-typical cursing
…are you fucking blaming us for getting upset over asks telling us to kill ourselves? You wanna hear my part of the story? Fine okay, I’ll be open about this since I apparently have to justify why I’m mad at someone telling me and my friends to kill themselves
First of tho, we didn’t immediately know it was her lmao. What made you assume that? In case you didn’t notice, we were a bit preoccupied with looking at our hate asks. Some of the receivers are already suicidal. Writer-Akihiko was unable to continue talking to us because the suicide comment shocked him too much. We had other things on our mind than theorizing who tf wrote that.
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s fake people. And that’s just how venus-writes appeared to me—and my gut feeling about whether a person’s vibe is good or bad has never failed me. So I just chose not to interact with her. It’s not rude to ignore someone, you’re choosing who you want to interact with. Because news flash, you’re not obligated to interact with someone just because they sent you a message or smth.
And yes, I’ve ignored an ask of hers. Her telling me that I’m one of her favorite blogs even tho she has never interacted with it prior to that just didn’t sit right with me. You don’t have to like my work, you don’t have to follow me etc. but I just think you’d want to do all these things if you genuinely like someone’s work. So I chose to ignore it.
“She wanted to be your friend” okay, but I didn’t. I’m not going to enter a relationship with someone if I can’t reciprocate their feelings. I’m not the type of person to act like I like you when I don’t. So this is my side of the story. Idgaf whether you think that makes me a horrible person.
Also, we aren’t acting like we have no idea why she’s upset. Because she has no reason to be upset. Some people didn’t want to befriend you? Sucks, but you’ll find someone you can vibe with. You felt insulted? Okay, sucks, but get over it. People are you calling you out for plagiarizing their works and telling them to commit suicide? That’s kinda what happens I’m sorry to break it to ya.
And this is where I’m getting really fucking upset with you, and I’m starting to question whether you know two shits about what is right and wrong.
“Playing the victim.”
Ya know what? Fuck you, I’m so fucking done with your attitude. Get it into your thick skull that we are indeed the victims here. Not her. She’s merely getting the backlash she deserves. WE fucking received the damn asks, not her. Oh boohoo we mocked her, SHE TOLD US TO DIE. Yes, I’m calling her trash. How is that mocking if it’s the truth?
You know that this fucking is? She’s one step away from being a murderer. Look at you defending that. This is revolting on so many levels.
Ignoring her was a choice we did to keep things real and civil. What she chose to do could have potentially destroyed our lives. I’m incredibly thankful for everyone who is there to remind me that hate anons spout nothing but bullshit and don’t even deserve to call themself humans because their intelligence, basic reason, and courtesy are non-existent. But not everyone has that.
Stop fucking defending them as though they were a 3 year old kid who can’t tell whether pushing a kid down a flight of stairs is immoral or not.
(TW: hate anon, death threat, cyberbullying, bullying, suicide)
below are some hate asks my friends & i have received, seemingly from the same user. please take note of the wording used.
a zoomed-in version so it’s easier to read:
and this is the one i got:
yall see this? so let’s establish the fact that this user (here’s the link to their blog so you can block & report them) is most likely sending the exact same VERBATIM hate ask to various people in the ikemen fandom. and obviously we do not fuck with that in this household.
now let’s expose the other problematic thing they’re doing:
STEALING PEOPLE’S WORKS.
i’m going to comb through their blog so you don’t have to, expose the works they’ve stolen, and include the links to the ones which i can find the ORIGINALlinks to
EXHIBIT 1:
this is a theo x f!reader x arthur NSFW threesome that my friend @writer-akihiko wrote. here, take a look:
the repost, that somehow changed it into a mozart x reader as if that would cover up the fact that it was literally stolen word for word, posted ALSO on 25 feb 2021
the repost, ALSO posted on 25 feb 2021 (from this point on, please assume they’re all posted on 25 feb 2021 unless otherwise stated bc i’m getting tired)
there’s way more that they’ve stolen but i’m going to stop here bc i think i’ve proven my point.
anyway, we do NOT condone sending hate asks AND stealing work in this fandom. with the receipts i have, there really is no room for doubt. if the links even are working (bc they stopped working for me when i was busy combing through their blog for dirt), feel free to verify the facts for yourself.
PLEASE REBLOG THIS TO SIGNAL BOOST + REPORT & BLOCK THEM.
if you have any additional dirt please DM them to me. let’s keep the ikemen fandom a safe, wholesome, lovely place, yeah? let the trash take itself out <3
yes, it does matter. this isn’t an issue of ✨ opinion ✨. things that are about opinions are “who’s your favourite suitor?”, “which route did you like the best?”, “did you like the recent event?” and so on.
matters pertaining to MORALITY, attacking real people with real words that can cause real harm, are NOT. some people who were sent those asks are actively suicidal. what if that ask had triggered them and they really decided to take their lives? you still wanna sit there and call this a matter of “opinion” when people’s REAL LIVES can be affected?
this isn’t about trashing that person’s reputation (not that they ever had much to begin with, or that it was ever really flattering to her, but i digress). the reason why i made the original post was to raise awareness in the fandom so people know who to avoid when navigating tumblr in order to keep themselves, their works, and their friends safe.
the reason why i and several others have been calling her and anyone defending her out is bc like i said, this is a matter of RIGHT OR WRONG. if you defend someone who told innocent people to kill themselves, you’re validating theirwrong immoral actions. you are giving them the green light to do it again and to more people. do you want that? do you want more people to be told their work is shit and they should kill themselves? do you want those already affected by the first round of hate asks to receive even more?
and about this ‘bad feeling’ you speak of: it was already created when she decided to send those hate asks and steal other people’s work. we, the victims, are rightfully defending ourselves, our friends & our works. if it gives her ‘pleasure’ to see people fighting over this, that’s a matter between her and the therapist she is hopefully seeing. but i won’t ever EVER stop trying to protect my works and my friends in this fandom, period.
any other doubts you’d like me to clear up, or can i actually catch a fucking break for once?
(TW: Suicide, Bullying, Cyberbullying)
Ok so I haven’t spoken up about this until now but I 100% agree with @delicateikemenmemes.
No matter what you are going through, no matter how painful life may be for you, there is NO. FUCKING. EXCUSE. For telling people to killthemselves. There is no excuse for dragging someone down so low to the point where they feel like they should leave the Earth and never return. You never know how badly your words can affect someone. Yes we all make dumb decisions and say stupid shit that we don’t mean, but going out of your way to not only steal people’s work, something that they had worked so hard on, but also insult them and tell them to kill themselves is absolutely wrong and beyond heinous.
Luckily I have not received any hate from said anon, but to those who have, please continue to live. Please continue to do what you love. You are cherished and talented and deserve so much love and respect. Never stop being your beautiful selves and sharing your amazing talents with all of us ✨
not sure if its just me or is it weird that god version! taker thought it was an excellent idea to literally drive sooho to kill himself in order to let them, or another version of them im not too sure live happily ever after, instead of letting him just pass on peacefully. i mean, wouldn’t his family and friends prefer to hear “sooho died because of an illness he was predestined to have” instead of “taker became a god and travelled back in time and mentally tortured sooho to his death”.
Hello! Welcome to my once in a blue moon post! This is the sequel of Heliotrope- or rather, prequel! The end is after you’ve recovered from what happens in Heliotrope, so if you’d like to, do give that a read!^^
Another Anilysium collab. Prompt I chose was “You’ve always been mine” but I tweaked it a little, it’s basically the same though.
Ship: Tsukishima x M!Reader (the gender doesn’t matter much but the male gendered term is used at the end)
Genre: Angst, hurt comfort
Trigger/Content Warnings:near death experience, suicide, discussion of all that kind of thing, Reader also previously tried to kill himself, it’s fluffy in some parts but boy does it hurt in the beginning, Reader ruins Tsukishima’s uniform, this all takes place during Tsukishima’s third year, they also both get punked by the ocean so if you have a discomfort with that do be careful!
Sand clung to skin and the harsher rays of light that usually cascaded and burnt you had died away into a fading tangerine glow. You perched comfortably on the sand, taking note of the undulating waves- they were like you in the sense that while you could crash down hard on the opposition, you would shy away in a fragile manner when faced with gentle treatment.
You were scared of love, really.
Perhaps it was that you felt you weren’t worth such luxuries that you found it hard to make friends through your first few years of high school. Perhaps it was trying to push people away because you were afraid yet alarmingly aware of your mortality. Perhaps it was something else entirely, something you weren’t quite ready to come to terms with.
But here you were…
What you did know was that you weren’t alone in the violent struggle through high school to make friends while you had your walls up. Next to you was someone you never thought you’d share your favorite place with; in any terms you found this boy appalling with his behavior. So appalling, you saw yourself in the way he closed himself off and cut those close with tongue lashings. You knew this only through another friend who took issue with him as you went to another school in an entire other prefecture.
Words mauled their way out from your throat, breaking the silence between you and Tsukishima Kei.
“I won’t ask you why you tried to do what you did today. But I will ask if there’s anyone you can talk to in your life.”
You were still trembling from what had happened hours ago, but you knew he needed comfort first and foremost…
╞══════════╡
You walked past the blonde as he had stepped off a bridge, down a height into oncoming traffic, with the intent to end his own life.
But fortunately, you had snapped his wrist into your own and hauled him up- his thin and cold frame relied on yours as you prevented him from finally doing what he’d planned. You stumbled backward with your combined weight. Your eyes stung unbearably as you cried in delayed fear, hot tears warming your windburnt face like a soothing balm. Tsukishima was frozen, face against your chest, like he wasn’t sure if his suicide attempt had actually worked. His glasses fell and shattered in the traffic… but he was up here still?
Finally he looked at you with wide gold eyes and his expression melted into one of dismay- not anger as you had expected. His nose crinkled as his eyes watered and he shoved you,
“Why did you have to be in Sendai right now…?”
You didn’t have an answer for him, still caught up in the panic that he could have died moments ago. You held him against your form, shaking.
He took your silence in stride and slowly wound his thin arms around you.
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“No, there isn’t.”
You took him to this beach to talk about it, as you knew no one would be around.
“You know, I’ve tried to kill myself too,” you smiled sadly, eyes now focusing on the hues in the horizon. You saw the way his posture changed in your peripherals- some kind of visceral reaction.
“You never would’ve guessed, would you have, Tsukishima Kei?” You turned to look at him, wry expression plain in the way your eyes crinkled in pain. He clammed up when you looked at him, then ran a hand through his hair and dismissively looked to the sky.
“I don’t think you can guess someone is suicidal, really…” he muttered.
“Mm,” you hummed in response.
The ocean spoke for you both, reaching out to touch your outstretched legs. You nearly jumped at the cold sea water soaking your jeans.
“Oh, that sucks,” Tsukishima said hollowly at your state.
“Yeah, no shit… wet jeans SUCK,” you kick at the ocean as if to fight it or punish it for soaking you. You unconsciously glanced at Tsukishima.
He was fixated on the glittering sea, wheat blonde hair hosting an ethereal glow courtesy of the dying sunshine casting over him. His expression was stuck in a numb neutral one, but his lips quirked up in the corners subtly when he noticed your discomfort in your wet jeans.
… you’re not doing your job as this introvert’s government assigned himbo.
You let out a little huff, then stood up.
“It feels nice out.”
Tsukishima watched you with a curious expression.
You shrugged off your jacket and tossed it far, where the ocean wouldn’t dare touch it.
“Well, I’m going for a swim.”
“… huh?”
You approached the ocean, submerging yourself in the nearly ice cold water.
Tsukishima sputtered our your surname and scrambled forward in an attempt to stop you. You laughed when he entirely missed and landed on his hands and knees in the sand.
“Come on, the water’s fine!”
“I- n- ??????” He just seemed confused, then watched you approach again.
“If you won’t come in by yourself, then I’ll do it.”
You hauled all of the 6’3” Tsukishima up into your arms, ignoring his flailing and struggling. You started your trek into the ocean until the waves were lapping at your stomach, then you dipped the blonde in your arms straight into the water.
His first instinct, of course, was to punch you. You laughed at his weak jab to your chest, then stood him up in the water, pulling him close so he was still warm.
“TsuKei.”
He looked at you begrudgingly, face dyed pink from the way he exhausted himself fighting against you.
“Do you feel the ocean around you?” You glanced around both of you.
“… yeah.”
“Do you feel the warmth of the sunset?”
He let out a hum of confirmation.
“These are moments of life you would never experience again in death, you wouldn’t ever see these wonderful moments again.”
He set his forehead against your shoulder.
“… I don’t care. I just wanted it to stop hurting, I wanted to care about things again.” He grumbled.
You splashed his side, “Would you like to try giving life another chance?” You stepped back so to look Tsukishima over, “You know, I’m not religious, but I very much believe in fate. I think someone or something sent me here today, someone brought me here to help you, to remind you that there is always more.”
His expression was twisted in pain, “… I don’t believe you.”
“Can you give me a shot? A chance to explain myself, I mean,” you grin, trying your hardest to convince him.
“… Alright.”
“Awesome. Thank you for letting me show you life is worth it, TsuKei,” you leant in and kissed his forehead.
His breath caught in his throat.
…
Then you knocked him fully into the water. He got up and sputtered.
“You asshole! I’m still in my uniform, this is hand wash only! It’s gonna be messed up!”
“I’ll pay for another one, Tsukishima Kei, you should live for now. Or else I’m gonna knock you in the water again.”
His eyes widened, then he smirked and grabbed your shin and tugged.
You slipped and fell into the water as well, feigning surprise with a high pitched squeal. A look of victory crossed his face, then he looked to the horizon in regret.
Suddenly you were both engulfed by the ocean, sent spiraling out to shore and struggling for breath under the oppressive ocean. Your body tumbled out into the dunes and you wheezed out a breath.
Fortunately, you were both only under for a moment, so there was no real risk of either of you drowning.
Unfortunately, though, Tsukishima was shoved on top of you by the ocean, as if mocking the situation. You stared up at him in surprise and he looked down at you with a mix of amusement and horror.
You should’ve probably been caught up on how you were both now completely soaked (not your plan), there was sand in your socks (definitely not the plan), and now you really didn’t have the upper hand in this situation. You had to balance things out somehow, so you just let the first thing that came to mind slip out…
“Take me to dinner first, holy shit.”
Tsukishima grimaced at your comment, “Ew.”
You laughed and pushed him up so you could at least try to get the sand out from your hair. He perched up on his knees. Tsukishima’s face was flushed as he wiped the sand off the elbows of his shirt.
“… hey TsuKei.”
He glanced up, a mix of annoyed and embarrassed, acknowledging you.
“Let me be your shelter in these hard times. Let’s exchange phone numbers.”
He sighed a bit, then looked over at your blazer, then back to you, “My phone was in my pocket. Unless you snatched it earlier.”
“You’re picking up on my tricks already?!” You asked, faux-surprised. You walked over to your jacket and offered his phone to him.
“… alright, (L/N), I’ll try to come to you if I need anything…”
You smiled and rested your arm around his shoulders, leading him back to the sidewalk before the beach, “Then I’ll walk you home.”
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Seven years later you both stood out on the beach during the sunset, watching two kids run around like the entities of chaos they were.
“So, TsuKei, do you regret letting me show you life was worth it? Or are you grateful?” You leaned into your husband’s shoulder.
“Don’t make me say it… of course I’m grateful, you asshole…” he blushed and turned, hiding behind longer locks of that familiar wheat blonde hair.
“Ooh! So mean to me still and we’ve been married for how long?”
“Shut up…” his ears flushed pink. He was still so easy to embarrass. One of the little girls playing runs up to you and grabs your pant leg, and you look down.
“Dad! I found a shell!” She showed a seashell she was so proud of. The way she smiled was so similar to you, there was no doubt at the end of the day she was your daughter. Your gaze wandered over to Isaka, your other daughter, who was staring at the ocean as if it was personally insulting her.
“… thinking of something?” Kei asked you, watching Isaka as well.
“Just how I’m so happy that you wound up being mine… I think I won the lottery as far as partners go. You’re all I wanted, haha…” you look away nervously, hiding from the reality of such a serious confession.
“… did you ever think I wasn’t going to be yours?” He asked gently.
“… there were a few moments, yeah.”
“Really…I think I’ve always been yours, ever since I landed in your arms those years ago.”
The memory issues ADHD causes are some of the scarier and more frustrating parts of living with it - so here’s a set of reaction doodles that all my fellow ADHD peeps are welcome to use whenever anybody decides to comment on your forgetfulness ^
ADHD nukes your working memory.
If it isn’t part of a hyperfixation its hard to store the details.
It gets especially bad for routine things, because you can’t tell if your memory of doing the thing was from today or yesterday or last week, and that can lead to some dangerous situations such as, say, skipping/overdosing on medication. I have to write down the date when I take my meds in the morning because the first time my memory messed up my medication I was terrified, I had to go with risking skipping because risking overdosing can get real bad real fast
OMG the medication thing I do that all the time.
I actually risk overdosing because I can’t drive behind the wheel without my medication.
My zone outs are more akin to black outs.
Like I’ll completely zone out and not only not remember what I did but there will be a complete time skip between when I first zoned out and when I came back to reality.
And sometimes I’ll do weird shit on auto pilot during these.
Like I once stuck a bag of lettuce in my bed, had no memory of it.
Went to sleep and my foot touched something wet and I flipped the fuck out till I realized it was lettuce.
I dont experience that when I take my ADHD meds.
The memory thing really messes with you.
HOLY SHIT THAT’S WHAT IT’S CALLED MY WORKING MEMORY IS SHIT I JUST THOUGHT I WAS STUPID IM CRYING
Okay this is my second attempt writeing this because I accidentally reblogged it to the ectoberhaunt blog and had to delete it.
But no you are not stupid.
Your brain is wired diffrent.
ADHD is a disorder of the frontal lobe.
It affects all of these listed areas.
It’s not just “not being able to focus or being too hyper”.
It’s also a dopamine deficiency.
You can’t make tonic dopmine.
In laymen’s terms.
You can only get dopmine in short spurts by doing certain things.
This is why so many people ADHD struggle with Addictive personalities and turn to drugs or alcohol to self-medicate.
It broke my heart that so many people with ADHD reblogged my posts not even realizing we have a month.
You deserve to understand you have a disorder that drastically impacts your life.
You deserve access to medication, and good doctors, and good resources, and managment skills.
You deserve to understand that you have probably been horribly abused or gas lit by the people in your life that dont understand your struggle because they never stopped to try too.
You deserve to understand that you are not stupid.
You were never stupid.
lest we forget the mysterious concept of Delayed Gratification and how that’s Not A Thing for ADHD
Delayed Gratification is not stimulating now therefor we will be hard pressed to work toward it. Exercise for healthier bodies? too long, don’t care. Work now, paid when you’re done? too long, don’t care. Work first, play later? No, play now, work & regret later. Do x for y minutes and then you do z as a reward? Too long, don’t care, also I can just do z now? who’s gonna stop me, me?
Honestly it was a revelation when I found out that ADHD brains just DON’T GIVE THE SAME REWARDS for doing things. Like you mean I’m not just lazy and being like this to make people’s lives harder? My brain actually works differently? It’s depressing to know that I will basically always have a brain that is jonesing for a dopamine fix, but it’s also incredibly validating.
I wish we could call it by a name that’s more accurate to what it’s like to have the disorder, rather than being named after two of the things that annoy our parents and teachers about it, but maybe someday.
