Just wash your hands

Gryffindor, unironically: A scrunchie a day keeps the Corona away

Ravenclaw: I cannot begin to describe the millions of ways that is so not correct

Flip Grid

Slytherin, recording a video response for class: Hey everyone. I really don’t know what to do so I’m just going to do a flip

*flips off bunk*

Slytherin: I hope yall enjoyed that

Errands.

Slytherin: Hey, we’ll be right back. It’ll only take a few hours. We’re just going to go talk to a dead person.

Hufflepuff, mid-sip of tea: …Right. Okay.

Remote learning

Professor: *Giving a lecture via Zoom*

Hufflepuff, in the chat: Is anyone going to tell him he’s muted?

Slytherin: absolutely not, delete that shit before he sees it.

Next Gen

Graduated slytherin student: She’s on that Disclosure or whatever…

7th year slytherin: Do you mean Discord?

Left On Read

Gryffindor: I think you like to tease me~

Slytherin to a Ravenclaw: Bro I’m not even fucking responding.

Dude that’s dark

Hufflepuff: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Slytherin, quietly: hopefully in your bed…

Hufflepuff: What was that?

Slytherin: I SAID HOPEFULLY DEAD

Labels and titles

Slytherin: I like to do things subtly.

Ravenclaw: So you’re passive aggressive…

Slytherin: One time in 3rd year, I punched someone because they were making fun of my friend.

Ravenclaw: That’s not passive aggressive.

Hufflepuff: That’s aggressive aggressive.

Intelligent life

Ravenclaw, stargazing: Do you think we are alone in this universe

Slytherin: I hope not.

Ravenclaw: Yea I guess it would be kinda scary if we were.

Slytherin: Well that, and I really want an alien girlfriend.

Ravenclaw: … That’s valid

In a pinch

Slytherin: Like I was saying….

Gryffindor: Enough! The time for talking is over.

Slytherin: I really don’t know if that’s ever true.

Quidditch practice

Slytherin: *whacks a practice ball agaisnt the goal post harshly*

Slytherin captain: Hey! Be careful with my balls, please.

CAUTION

Gryffindor: Rock slide? I didnt know rocks could slide.

Slytherin, sarcastically: No it’s a slide made of rock.

Gryffindor: Really!?

Slytherin: … no.

Vibin

Slytherin: *does anything*

Ravenclaw: omg do you HAVE to be so extra?

Slytherin: bro relax I’m litterally just vibing

Bollocks

Slytherin: *throwing a coin at their friend instead of in the swear jar*

Other slytherin, laughing: look I know I’m hot but can yall stop throwing money at me?

Hex Girls

Slytherin: let’s go hex someone. *unbuttons robe to reveal a Quidditch bat*

Other slytherin: You are a delight and I would let you murder me.

*light bulb* Idea

Slytherin: Are you guys up for summoning a ghost? Cause I’m down to get Edison up in here

Study hall

Abbey (slytherin): Bro if you want to help someone write an essay go write mine and go away.

Jo (slytherin): How about you write your own and I’ll fix it when you’re done?

Abbey: damn ok.

Heart thief

Ravenclaw: you know, bisexuality isnt that hard to understand. Girls are cute. Guys are cute. What do you want from me?

Slytherin: I want your wallet

accio-shitpost:

malfoy had a brief year after hogwarts where he tried to become a freestyle rapper

it went…poorly

Dr. Malfoy ft. The Snakes - Slyther into my life

Dumbledore: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.
Snape: Killed without hesitation.
Dumbledore: Severus no-