#incorrect umbrella acadamy
ben: i thought you were better than this!
klaus: really? …. why?
diego: mama might’ve raised an emotionally awkward man-child with self-esteem issues, but she dIDN’T RAISE NO QUITTER
klaus: they say seventy percent of the human body is made of H₂O
klaus: well the other thirty percent of me wants₂die
five: i told you, i’m fine. why the hell do you keep asking?
allison: you had ten cups of coffee in two minutes
police officer: license and registration, please.
klaus: okay, here
police officer:
klaus:
police officer: this is a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card
❤️☂️
Klaus: We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.
Allison: Scrabble? Scrabble’s great.
Klaus, Not when you’re playing with Five, it’s not. He puts words like “ephemeral.” And I put “dog”…
Klaus: can I please burn this place to the ground?
Five: seeing as it’s a castle made of stone, I don’t think it’s going to do much damage
Klaus: but trying will make me feel better
Klaus: When life gives you lemons—
Five: You throw them back.
Ben: Or take them and make lemonade?
Five: No. You give them back.
Klaus: But lemonade…
Five:No.
Klaus: What’s for lunch?
Diego: I already ate.
Klaus: Oh… without me?
Diego: I was hungry!! Do you want me to get you anything? What do you want?
Klaus:Loyalty.
Diego:—us, Klaus!
Klaus: [still trapped in his thoughts, not even realising that he was speaking out loud] Would cannibalism solve both world hunger and overpopulation???
Diego:…
Diego: I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just say that.
Allison: A soulmate is someone who won’t complain about any of the music on your phone when you put your playlist on shuffle
Klaus: I complain about my own music when it’s on shuffle what are you talking about
Klaus: This is a terrible idea!
Diego: But not our worst, right?
Five: No, it’s the worst.
Five:*casually pulls out a gun*
Alright, who did it
Klaus: Did what?
Five: Who stole my food?
Klaus: I have four brothers
Luther: That song “Toxic” by Britney spears isn’t even that good
Klaus: I have three brothers
Klaus: What’s the saddest song you’ve ever heard?
Diego: To be completely honest the only song I’ve ever cried while listening to is Ocean man and I have no idea why
Ben: Minecraft is the most romantic video game in existence.
Klaus: Fuck Netflix and chill, let’s build us a house!
Klaus: So how are you liking Twitter so far?
Five: The Wendy’s Twitter account just told me to go fuck myself
Klaus: I bet you haven’t done a single good deed today.
Five: That’s not true at all; in fact, I prevented a murder just earlier this morning.
Klaus: Oh?! Wow, Five, that’s wonderful. How did you manage that?
Five:Self Control.
Diego: We need money.
Klaus: I have an idea!
Ben: We’re not selling your bath water.
Klaus: I have no ideas.
Klaus: Hey, can you tuck me in?
Five: This,, this is a shovel-
Klaus: Just spread the dirt over me as evenly as possible thanks.
Klaus, talking to a dog: you’re soft. are you even aware of your mortality? of course ur not. u pure, wholesome and sentient unselfish being. do u feel that? that’s my heart. i love you. look at those ears. here take my wallet
Klaus: I like when you’re in the grocery store and you see people buying eggs because they always pick up the carton and then open it like it’s a metal briefcase full of cash involved in a drug deal and they’re confirming it’s money. “Don’t bother counting it, it’s all there. 12.” Then they always pick one up and inspect it like, “Yeah, it’s Grade A alright…The real deal.”
Ben: People are checking to see if any of the eggs are cracked, you walnut
—
Klaus:Attention passengers, this is your captain speaking. I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’re landing immediately. The bad news? We’re crash-landing.
Klaus: Isn’t it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?
