#klaus hargreeves

Vanya: Men are trash

Allison:Preach

Klaus: And I’m a garbage collector

vanya finding out about harold’s true intentions

Vanya: a human heart cost $442,000 and I gave you mine for free you ungrateful slut

Being Klaus’ best friend Headcanon

• You’re basically the majority of his impulse control
• You’re the one to ask “why?” and he’s the one to ask “why not?”
• You’re the first person Klaus has ever told about Ben
• Ben loves you. Like literally loves you.
• “Klaus, why did you steal three packs of jolly ranchers and a celery??? You don’t even like celery!” “Cuz I can”
• Banter 24/7. Sometimes it gets so intense that people think you’re actually mad at each other.
• 2am drives to McDonalds because Klaus as craving nuggets and Diego sure as hell wouldn’t take him
• You two talk a lot about random things that cross your minds and the weirdest, most quiet hours
• You two lay in bed together, your head on his stomach as he plays with your hair with one hand and holds a cigarette in the other
• You two like to make up super complex handshakes when you’re drunk, even though you can never remember them the day after
• You hate watching any movies with him because he talks way too much
• “I will literally rip your dick off” “kinky”
• Play fighting and hitting each other out of nowhere for no reason
• You’re the only person he has saved in his phone contacts other than the house phone which he has saved as “nope”
• You two don’t have a very sentimental relationship and are definitely more like brother and sister
• You were there when he got all his tattoos
• When the Umbrella Academy didn’t realize he was gone, you were the only one that went to look for him by yourself
• “I made you these brownies!” “do they have drugs in them?” “Hmmm … I don’t remember …”
• When he tells the Umbrella Academy that he’s made a friend they all think you’re imaginary
• He helps you choose your outfits and paints your nails
• You do his makeup
• Even though you both swear not to be “cheesy”, you still manage to find sneaky ways of letting him know he’s important and amazing, etc.
• “I hate you” “I love you toooooo”
• You find out about his powers when you ask him to come to your grandmother’s funeral and he starts crying thinking about the mausoleum incident
• You also are the first (after Ben) to learn about Klaus’ trauma
• You’re the only one who actually calls him in rehab
• You absolutely hate Reginald
• On your bad days Klaus randomly shows up at your home with your favourite takeaway
• You’re absolutely devastated about Dave
• You go back to the veteran’s bar after hearing what happened to Klaus there and give them Hell
• You are always there trying to help him reach sobriety by setting daily goals/rewarding the goals completed with some good food
• “Would you shut up?” “Klaus I wasn’t even speaking”
• Lots of dramatic gasps from the both of you
• He gives the best hugs
• He likes to try and take care of you when you’re sick but he almost burns the kitchen down trying to make soup so you make it for the both of you
• You two sharing songs to listen to
• “You’re a whore” “I’m a slut get it right”
• He insists on going everywhere with you, even if you’re just shopping
• “For the last motherFUCKING time Klaus, I am not buying you a kitkat” “but please”
• People always think you’re dating and you both make overdramatize gagging sounds to that
• The one time you went along with the “dating” facade was when you first met the Academy because Klaus was getting a kick out of it
• Klaus likes to surprise you with randomly timed, really strange gifts
• “I appreciate it so much, I really do, but I don’t know why I need a ceramic frog?”
• On Halloween you go as a joint costume
• You would never admit it but you’d do almost anything to make Klaus healthy and happy
• You’d also love to meet Ben
• He sleeps over so much he basically lives with you
• He actually did live with you when he was going back and forth in between rehab
• Really stupid bets at the worst times
• “I bet you two bucks you won’t be able to catch that seagull” “think again bitch”
• You appreciate Diego a lot but you give Luther dirty looks when Klaus isn’t looking
• He’s super clingy but you low key love it
• Whenever you go to a restaurant Klaus insists it’s his birthday
• Klaus left you at the Academy while he was out once and came back to you and Five drinking margaritas and having a really deep conversation
• Grace basically thinks of you as an eighth kid
• “Fuck you” “you wish you could ;)”

Happy birthday Cameron!!

Vanya to literally anybody: *whispering* yeah uh, today’s my birthd—

Luther, crashing through the ceiling: TODAY’S MY BIRTHDAY BITCHES

klaus comforting you headcanon

• Really long hugs
• Really tight hugs too, almost like he’s trying to fit all your broken pieces back into place
• Him being silent for a while trying to choose what to say
• Klaus having to ask Ben what to say since he’s better with this kinda stuff
• “It’s okay, everything is gonna be okay” though neither of you are sure whether he’s trying to convince you or himself
• Him letting you cry into his favourite shirt without any hesitation, but if anyone else were to touch it without so much as washing their hands he would scream
• He pats your head a lot, but in a way it’s really reassuring
• He also ends up playing with your hair which you think is therapeutic
• He starts freaking out when you begin hyperventilating
• Him refusing to leave your side even though you say that it’s okay
• You two just talking for a long time
• You can tell how hard he’s trying to be serious and tell him it’s okay
• He ends up telling jokes trying to make you feel better — some are badly timed but you appreciate it anyways
• Cue Ben, facepalming in the afterlife
• Once you finish crying he’s still tentative to leave you alone
• Mama Klaus takes over
• You’re not hungry but he forces you to eat
• Ben stares into the camera like he’s on the office as Klaus tries to force feed you toast
• He tries the make the rest of your day as calm as possible
• He makes everyone go real easy on you
• “LUTHER YOU SON OF A BITCH” “ALL I ASKED WAS IF THEY COULD PASS THE SALT???¿¿¿”
• Asks every two minutes if you’re okay and if you need anything
• If he’s not checking on you he’s forcing Diego to
• He tries to bake you cupcakes but they end up lopsided and a little overbaked
• You enjoy them anyway
• “If anybody ever hurts you lemme know and I’ll kick their ass” “Klaus you cried when you saw a ladybug on your knee”
• He insists that you two have a movie marathon
• He keeps trying to get you to throw popcorn into his mouth but he always misses it
• “One more time, I’ve got it this” “we both know that you don’t”
• You end up doing a lot more laughing than crying over the course of the day
• “Hey … thanks for helping me today, Klaus” “no problem boblem” “I hate you”

*Five, clearly annoyed with Klaus*

Klaus: What? Why are you upset?

Klaus, softly: Is it because my shoes light up and yours don’t?

Ben: Hey … if olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?

Vanya: Oh, baby oil? It’s just—

Klaus: B a b y m i l k

Vanya:…

Vanya:Klaus—

Klaus: ᴹᵘˢᵗ ᵐⁱˡᵏ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵃᵇⁱᵉˢ

dave and klaus when things get spicy ;)

Klaus: Well, allow me to slip into something a little more … comfortable

Dave: Ooouuuu ;)

Klaus, sliding into a trash can: I’m a failure

klaus: i am covered in blood for sexy reasons

klaus: also, i just got stabbed

allison, holding up an unlabeled bottle: is this whiskey or perfume?

klaus: lemme see

klaus: *takes the bottle and chugs it*

klaus: it’s perfume

allison: i know we don’t get along, but i got you this bath bomb as a peace offering. whenever you feel stressed, just run yourself a bath and throw this in. i promise, all your worries will be gone in seconds

leonard, opening the package: this is a toaster

allison: do you take constructive criticism?

klaus: not without crying

luther:how would you rate your pain?

klaus:0/10.

luther:how- your arm is literally going the wrong way-

klaus:as in 0/10 would not recommend

luther:

klaus:very not gucci, does not slap, no thanks

diego: patch talks in her sleep sometimes. it’s adorable

patch, sleeping: fight me… you motherfucker… square up… i think the fuck not

diego: your existence is confusing

klaus:how?

diego: your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me

klaus: things i want- snuggles

also klaus: things i receive- struggles

allison: i don’t dress to impress. i dress to depress. i want to look so good people hate themselves.

klaus, quietly: spooky scary skeletons send shivers down your spine

five:

klaus, steadily building volume: shrieking skulls will shock your soul, seal your doom tonight

five:

klaus, screaming at the top of his lungs: SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS SPEAK WITH SUCH A SCREECH YOU’LL SHAKE AND SHUDDER IN SURPRISE WHEN YOU HEAR THESE ZOMBIES SHRI-

five: SHUT THE FUCK UP

ben: is there a word that a mix between sad and mad?

five: malcontented, disgruntled, miserable-

klaus:SMAD