Thank you for your @barefoottrashdragon it’s gorgeous! The others you submitted will be up over the next few days :)
[image description: a four paneled image. The top panel is predominately white with white reeds on the far right. The second panel is white with purple lavender on the right and contains text that reads “Don’t forget your meds today. The third panel is purple with black stems and leaves on the right. The bottom panel is black with golden leaves depicted on the right.]
[image description: On a dark background bold text changes colour from, yellow at the top, through white to purple at the bottom. The text reads “Don’t forget your meds today.”]
[image ID: three screenshots of the title screen and gameplay of Infinity Rainbow, a cartoonish stylized video game. end ID]
a look atone of my final projects, Infinity Rainbow! the beta is up on itch.io and I am currently in need of playtesters & feedback! here’s the game description:
Amanda Kaminski disappeared three years ago. Her parents have hired a private investigator to try and find out where she is—but who they find might not be who they expected to, and may not want to be found at all.
Infinity Rainbow is a short point-and-click mystery game that explores the story of an autistic queer adult trying to live authentically, the complications that can have, and what that can look like from the outside. It does not represent a universal experience of autism or queerness, but rather a snapshot of one unique individual trying to live their life as themself.
the game takes about 10 minutes to complete and is be controlled by clicking to advance text and to explore environments. it’s very simple and unpolished and still quite rough but it would mean a lot to me if people would check it out!
I was reading through @/ theautisticlife’s Instagram stories earlier and was really struck by her writing on authenticity. Many autistic people feel the need to mask, and hide parts of themselves that are incongruent with dominant social norms. This makes it easier to be accepted by neurotypicals, but it comes at a great cost to their mental health.
On the other hand, some autistic people never really mask that much. We’re true to ourselves in the majority of scenarios, regardless of what other people might think. I fall into this category, and it made my life harder throughout elementary, middle, and high school.
My authenticity was off-putting and disorienting to many classmates, who weren’t used to their peers being so sure of themselves and what they believed. As a result, I was informed many times that certain people “didn’t like me,” but they were never able to pinpoint specific reasons. I never did anything particularly mean, rude, or insulting to others. I wasn’t selfish, or manipulative, or aggressive. I just did things that I felt like doing, wore things I felt like wearing, and said things without worrying too much about what others would think. And for some reason, that scared people.
Sometimes peers would make comments about my appearance, mannerisms, etc. Or they would ask me why I was doing something. For example, I stopped shaving my legs and armpits in freshman year of high school, because the only reason AFAB people are taught to is because of a capitalist ploy by razor companies. There’s nothing “unhygienic” about it at all. So once I learned that, I just stopped shaving, because it didn’t make sense and I didn’t want to. But when I changed for gym class in the locker room, sometimes people would make comments: “Your legs are hairy,” and “Your armpits aren’t shaved.” My reply was always, “I know.”
Funnily enough, some of those people followed suit in later years, once they realized the same things I had realized prior, and decided that they also didn’t care much for capitalist beauty standards.I was just ahead of the curve.
I’ve always been myself. I don’t compromise my values for the acceptance of others. If something doesn’t feel right, I don’t do it. If something is morally wrong, I tell people what I think about it. This is what has caused people to dislike me in the past: my authenticity threatens the validity of their conformity.
People follow along with the crowd because it’s safer, because they know they’ll be protected by their peers. But what if the crowd is doing something wrong? What if the crowd is harming others? People don’t want to know, because it calls into question their reasons for following along with the group in the first place. It makes them feel like their safety net might collapse. It forces them to challenge their worldview.
One of the most interesting stories I’ve ever experienced because of this, started with a fraught invitation to a Christmas party in 8th grade.
I was friends with two people in the group, and friendly acquaintances with most. One of the people I was friends with invited me to the group’s annual Christmas party, but apparently didn’t tell the others that she had invited me until about two weeks beforehand. When she informed the rest of the group that she had invited me, all hell broke loose in their groupchat.
Most people were neutral on the subject, but two people in particular were vehemently opposed to my presence. One of them even went so far as to say that she hated me. Reasons cited by the two of them were that I was weird, that I didn’t get along with other people (which was a strange thing to say, given that they barely knew me), that I would ruin the party, and that I didn’t deserve to come.
You can imagine how I felt when the people I was friends with sent me screenshots of that conversation. It was deeply confusing and hurtful to me, and it only exacerbated my already prevalent anxiety about what others were saying about me behind my back. I spent the night crying about it to my mom, and she let me stay home from school the next day.
After school on the following day, I started to get texts from people in that friend group. They were worried about me, and wanted to make sure I was okay. I told them I was fine, that I took the day off. Then, I got a text from the girl who had said she hated me only 24 hours prior.
She apologized for everything she had said, and told me she had been worried sick all day when she realized I wasn’t at school. Then, she said something interesting. She told me that she didn’t actually dislike me, but rather that she felt threatened by me because I’m always so true to who I am. She said, “You’re a better person than me,” and explained that because of that she felt insecure, and lashed out. I told her that I understood, and wouldn’t hold the incident against her. And I thanked her for being honest with me.
I think that’s one of the most important, illuminating conversations I’ve ever had in my life. And it fits in perfectly with everything I’ve discussed so far in this post. One of the main reasons autistic people are bullied, ostracized, excluded, etc. is because we amplify other people’s own insecurities. Our honest, unassuming demeanor puts a mirror in their faces and forces them to confront who they are, what they think, and how they truly feel. It makes people call into question the things they’ve been taught to think and feel, and opens up the possibility for more authentic ways of relating to others. To neurotypical middle schoolers especially, that prospect is frightening.
I think that’s why, as my peers have gotten older and started developing a stronger sense of who they are, it’s gotten much easier for me to interact with them. Because now that they’re secure in themselves, they have a much greater capacity to understand that my existence isn’t a threat to their personal lives. And they can actually appreciate my personality, without being scared off by my strong passions and interests.
I’m sure I’ll always face some challenges of this sort, given that social cohesion is an important aspect of the way neurotypicals operate in the world. But luckily I’ve been able to make friends with other autistic and neurodivergent people, who understand me and support me in all my endeavors. I used to wonder if I’d ever be able to make lasting friendships, where the other people truly care about me and love me for exactly who I am. Now I know the answer: yes.
School dress codes can be harmful to autistic people.
We received a DM the other day from an autistic student who is not allowed to wear a bandana at school (around their nose/mouth or anywhere else), even though it’s a useful sensory tool for them.
So here’s an incomplete list of clothing items autistic people might need to wear for sensory reasons, that are against certain school dress codes:
Sunglasses (indoors)- many autistic people wear sunglasses because they’re sensitive to light, particularly fluorescent lighting, which is very common in schools.
Bandanas-autistic people might wear bandanas over their faces to protect from smells. Or, they might wear a bandanna on their wrist or around their neck as a comfort item/ stim toy.
Hooded sweatshirts- most schools ban students from wearing hoods inside. However, autistic students might use hoods as a tool to block out visual input in their peripheral vision, and to slightly dampen sound in the classroom. Hoods can also be very comforting in that they provide the sensation of being held in a soft cocoon.
Chewlery and other wearable stim toys- some schools have policies that restrict the type of jewelry students can wear, if any. In addition, many schools have restrictions on stim toys, thanks to neurotypicals abusing things like fidget spinners (which originated as tools to help neurodivergent people) .
Earbuds/headphones-many schools ban students from listening to music in class, even during quiet individual work. However, some autistic people need to be able to listen to music to block out all of the distracting, uncomfortable auditory input of the classroom.
Schools also often have bans on chewing gum, which is understandable because they don’t want students putting gum in irresponsible places. But some autistic people need to be able to stim by chewing on gum, so this ban can do more harm than good in those circumstances.
Fortunately, autistic students may be able to request accommodations under 504 plans or IEPs, which would allow them to make exceptions to the school dress code and wear what they need.
But the official dress codes are one thing. Another aspect that isn’t often talked about is the way that autistic students are treated by peers based on the things they wear.
Autistic students may be stigmatized by classmates for wearing certain things like ear defenders, sunglasses, or chewlery. This is because these sensory tools (and dare I say, staples of autistic fashion) are not worn at school by the vast majority of people.
This makes it more difficult for autistic people to meet their sensory needs. Even if certain things, like ear defenders, are perfectly acceptable and allowed under the school dress code, autistic students who wear them run the risk of being socially ostracized even more than they would have been just by virtue of being autistic. This can create a situation where autistic students feel that they have to choose between meeting their sensory needs, and being accepted by their peers.
Even fashion choices that have nothing to do with sensory needs can result in judgement from classmates. For example, some autistic people wear items of clothing related to their special interests. They may wear graphic T-shirts with their favorite cartoon characters, or homemade gadgets that mimic the things certain characters wear. Especially if their interests aren’t widely deemed “age appropriate,” the risk of being teased for this type of clothing is unfortunately high.
Autistic people may also have a habit of wearing the same clothes every day, of wearing clashing colors, or wearing seasonally inappropriate clothes. All of these things can contribute to social isolation- but that’s not autistic people’s fault.
What autistic people wear, and whether or not it conforms to dominant standards, can make it more or less obvious that we’re “different” in some way. The key thing to remember is that being different isn’t a bad thing, even though other people often act like it is.
Autistic people deserve to live in a world where we can wear whatever we want, and whatever we need, without other people misunderstanding us.
I heard this metaphor growing up, and in my case, it backfired supremely, because I went out into my neighbor’s backyard where a rose bush was growing, and the one I tested had like 30 petals (it was yellow, but definitely a rose of some kind), and as a very logical lass, I came to the conclusion that you could have premarital sex AT LEAST ten times before your future husband would even notice something was up. Moral of the story? Test your metaphors on the weirdest and most neurodivergent child you know before writing your weird religious propaganda.
[Image capiton: a small plastic envelope with a little gold-colored rose pin, and a card reading, “You are like a beautiful rose. Each time you engage in premarital sex, a precious petal is stripped away. Don’t leave your future husband holding a bare stem. Abstain.” End caption.]
• would you rather be able to read a book once or forget a book every time you finished reading it? •
Was this post is for me, personally?
I have memory problems (medication side effect + neurodivergent) and while my reading comprehension is fine during a novel, all but the broad strokes are gone afterward.
It’s honestly the best part of my neurofucked brain & I’m a huge re-reader
Allistics: “This proves that all autistics are violent animals, they shouldn’t be allowed to own guns!”
*Allistic person kills an autistic person*
Allistics: “Well you can’t blame them. They probably just snapped because the autistic bothered them. They’re basically a martyr. They shouldn’t be punished imo.”
I feel like a thing which doesn’t get brought up enough with autism is how autism affects eating habits. I want to shine some light on the subject of autism and eating!
AUTISM AND EATING HABITS
Many autistic people are hypersensitive to textures and tastes (especially textures). Due to sensory sensitivity and the desire to have routine being common traits of autism, many autistic folks are very specific eaters. Some autistic people will have a very strict diet consisting of a small variety of foods. (Quick note: not all autistic people are picky eaters and some do enjoy a large variety of food.) Some autistic people have what they call safe foods and unsafe foods. These classifications are used very often in discussions of autistic eating habits. Here are definitions for safe and unsafe foods.
Safe foods: foods which an autistic person finds comforting. Basically foods which are safe to eat.
Unsafe foods: foods which are repulsive and gross. Unpleasant textures usually make foods unsafe.
MY OWN EATING HABITS ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM:
I myself am somewhat of a picky eater but I’m also adventurous too with foods. I have specific foods I’ll happily eat, but am willing to try new dishes too. I’ll either have the strong desire to try new foods from new countries or I will be unable to eat something if it is cooked slightly different or with an ingredient I can’t handle. Since I am vegetarian I do need to be more open minded about what I eat. After all, I need to get all my nutrients so I can stay healthy.
I will write now a list of my safe foods and unsafe foods…
MY SAFE FOODS:
-Paneer Makhani (a super delicious tomato based Indian curry with delicious soft cheese in it)
-Starbucks Pink Drink (a nice cold strawberry beverage that I’ve been drinking consistently every morning since 2018. It can’t be too sweet though so I usually ask for extra coconut milk in it.)
-Majority of spicy dishes (I love the sensation of spicy peppers)
-Tofu especially of the silken variety
-A pizza with goat cheese and pineapples on it that I get at a specific pizza chain
-The Kraft mac n cheese they make at certain restaurants
-Water that is very cold
-Grapes, watermelon, strawberries, and apples that are nice and firm
UNSAFE FOODS (FOOD THAT REPULSES ME:)
-Beverages with pulp in them
-Mushy foods like avocados or bananas
-Soggy foods
-Yogurt that hasn’t been stirred properly (I dislike the lumpy texture)
-The skin of fruits and vegetables
-Squishy fruits and vegetables
-Room temperature water
-The seeds of tomatoes (I love tomatoes, but have to scoop out the seeds in order to enjoy the tomato)
-Sparkling water (it makes me gag)
-Greasy foods (if pizza is soggy it’ll make me nauseous)
-Pasta that is too soft
-Cheese that is too melted (cheese that has bubbled)
***
Feel free to reblog! If you’re autistic and willing to share your safe/unsafe foods, feel free to add on to this post with your safe/unsafe foods.
(I’ll do a more comprehensive post on autism and food later)
-Your special interests are wonderful and I hope you get the opportunity to share them!
-Your stims are all amazing! Keep flapping, rocking, using stim toys, or stimming in the ways you naturally do!
-If you don’t like being touched, making eye contact, or dislike certain sensory sensations, that is valid! No one can fault you for that!
-Neurotypical rules can definitely get verrrrryyyy confusing at times so it’s ok to have times where you don’t understand them!
-You are not a burden for being autistic! The real burdens are ignorance and ableism, not you.
-Your autism is valid regardless of its traits! Autism appears differently in everyone! Neurotypicals don’t police your autism.
-If you feel alone in this neurotypical world, just know that there is a whole community of autistic & neurodiverse people who can empathize with you and stand by you!
A very common misconception that many neurotypicals have is that autistic people do not experience ANY sexual or romantic attraction. This often stems from the rather ableist practice of infantilizing autistic people/treating autistic people like they’re children. To clear up one thing, plenty of autistic folks are asexual and/or aromantic. Ace, aro, and aroace autistics are wonderful and valid. The main thing is that not all autistic people are asexual/aromantic or incapable of feeling romantic or sexual attraction and plenty of autistic people would like to date or have sex.
Due to a lot of narratives pushed by many neurotypicals, organisations like Autism $peaks, and Hollywood, many people think autistic people are either unfeeling robots or heavily incapable of taking care of themselves. Because of these ignorant stereotypes as well as the emotional maturity/feelings that sex and romance requires, people become squeamish at the thoughts of autistic people feeling romantic or sexual desire.
Contrary to what has been pushed on many people, autistic sexuality is complex and multidimensional. Autistic people can be straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual etc. I am an autistic lesbian and I experience both intense feelings of romantic and sexual attraction. Many of my autistic friends experience romantic and/or sexual attraction too. Autistic sexuality much like autism itself isn’t just black and white, instead a whole scale of color. Some autistic people are hypersexual. Others are sex repulsed. Others feel occasional romantic/sexual feelings, but not too strongly.
The belief that autistic people are incapable of feeling romantic or sexual attraction is an inaccurate one which hopefully will fade away as the years go on and society’s understanding of autism increases.
Hyper-focus is very common trait in autism and is both a blessing and a curse. Hyper-focus can best be described as feeling intense passion towards something. Examples of hyper-focusing include spending large quantities of time doing the thing you’re hyper-focused on, thinking about your special interest/subject of hyper-focusing often, wanting to discuss your interest, or feeling strong emotions regarding what you’re hyper-focusing on.
THE DRAWBACKS:
Hyper-focusing has a few major drawbacks to it. Examples of the drawbacks are becoming fixated on unproductive things like browsing social media, becoming irate when someone interrupts you in the middle of your hyper-focusing, pushing aside important things/obligations, being unable to switch gears, or getting so deep into what you’re fixated on that you forget even the most basic necessities.
I’d say in my own experience as an autistic person who hyper-focuses, the biggest issue I face is neglecting my obligations and even taking care of myself to pursue what I’m fixated on. Right now, I should be finishing the 14 assignments in my to-do list for school, but I’m so eager to write this blog post that doing the mountain of homework assigned to me has been pushed to the back of my mind. The amount of times that I’ve come into class and had to explain to my teacher that I did not complete my homework probably exceeds 300. I’ve forgotten to brush my teeth, forgotten to shower, been late for class, stayed up beyond reasonable hours, or forgotten to even eat or drink when I’m hungry/thirsty plenty of times. I typically forget one or more of these things per day. Often, my mom and dad or others need to remind me to do basic tasks such as the aforementioned ones. Also, plenty of times I find myself getting hyper-focused on unproductive things like reading the Attack on Titan shipping wiki.
THE BENEFITS:
Despite the drawbacks, there are plenty of positives surrounding hyper-focus. Some benefits of hyper-focus are when hyper-focusing, an autistic person may be practically unstoppable and very motivated. Hyper-focus can lead to an autistic person achieving seemingly impossible/impressive goals. When hyper-focusing on a positive or productive subject, it can lead to a plethora of positive outcomes and make one seem very diligent and motivated in the eyes of others.
My own hyper-focus has helped me out in many ways. It has granted me the ability to do things which seem impressive to a lot of neurotypicals, increased my enthusiasm for life, given me escapes from hardships, and helped me become who I am today. My favorite example of how my hyper-focus benefitted me was in 6th and 7th grade. I had a major World War II special interest throughout that period of time. Because of this, I decided to write a story about children growing up in Germany during the war. I was able to write about 50,000 words in the project because I was so fixated on the topic. I never finished the story simply because my World War II special interest faded out around 8th grade, but my World War II novel stands as one of my proudest achievements.
CONCLUSION:
Overall, hyper-focus has its benefits as well as its drawbacks.
1. Being hyperfocused on something, but suddenly getting interested in some other thing so you forget what you’re hyperfocused on
2. Being unable to focus on the conversation you’re having while simultaneously being able to detect every single sound or bit of sensory information around you
3. Wanting rigid order and structure in life, but being too disorganized to make the structure into reality
4. Craving stimulation because you’re bored, but getting o v e r s t i m u l a t e d because it’s too much
5. Forgetting that you have homework a minute after the teacher tells you you have it while being able to remember every single element of your special interest
ABOUT ME: MY AUTISM, MY AUTISTIC JOURNEY, AND MY AUTISTIC TESTIMONY
I am technically what some call a “high-functioning” autistic, but I dislike the term high functioning since it is a term dismissive of my struggles. I can blend in with neurotypicals if I try, but quite frankly, it is very hard and draining to do so. I am verbal and don’t have too many struggles with motor skills or socializing, but I am very sensory sensitive, I have many special interests, I make various vocalizations, and I stim a lot.
I found out I was autistic around seventh grade. Initially I was very surprised by this and was scared due to my own misconceptions on autism. I was a bit reluctant to believe it at first, but soon enough I began to realize how autistic I really was. I was always a bit of an oddball, I hated loud noises or bad textures, would often fixate on things like security cameras, and I also had plenty of challenges with socializing with my neurotypical peers. I was considered a gifted kid due to my skills in the creative arts like writing, playing piano, composing music, and drawing, but my skills in the regions I wasn’t hyperfocused on were very mediocre or poor.
After finding out that I was autistic, I began to read up on autism and follow a lot of accounts by autistic folks for autistic folks. I learned all about traits common in autism, how to manage sensory overload, and many other things. Most importantly how my autism isn’t a curse but a blessing that has made me who I am.
My name is Gwyn, short for Gwyndolyn. I use she/her pronouns. I am autistic, have ADHD, and have anxiety. I am a lesbian and consider myself to be masculine of center/butch/gender nonconforming.
I love to do art, compose music, and write stories. I enjoy working out and going to the gym. I am vegetarian and have been so since September 2017. I love animals and the outdoors and have gone on many hikes as well as gone camping on multiple occasions. I consider myself extraverted, but I do get overstimulated if I have to socialize for too long. I have a sweet dog named Darcy. I’m a huge weeb and a gamer too.
