Poltergeist Love

You cant see me

You cant see the painstaking effort I put into moiving your life forward.

The hours spend holding back the roof about to break,

Or pushing a box a tissues near you when you do.

You cant see the amount of hours I work to keep you feed,

Or the amount of meals I give up so you wont have too.

You cant see the scars I gained holding the world back from hurting you,

Or how none of them hurt as much as the first time I had to watch in horror as you experienced the reality of this life for the first time

I have given you my poltergeist love

Unseen but experienced in every little bit of your daily life

Knowing that as long as your happy and safe

That I have done enough

Even if you cant see me.

A thought

I think

That I know

That my thoughts

Are in my control

Till I think

Then my thoughts

Are scattered and silently

Loud, all at the same time

What a place it is

Inside this mind

My heart has cracks and scars around the center from where knifes were once plunged

I grip my pillow like friend to keep myself from coming undone

I watch memorys like movies still laughing at the funny bits

Still crying at the hard times, that made it so I knew how not to quit.

I found meaning in book pages and quotes by Phill Ochs

“Every bad thing has also happened to better men” I would remind myself between the rocks

Thrown at me by unknown assailants, some of them later became my friends

Some of them would haunt my mind the nights I would burn the candle at both ends.

I gotta keep on moving, so I write poetry just for me

Then I share it with everyone in case it helps them through honesty

So I will keep moving foreword, untill the man in the mirror

Is a man ruled by his heart. And never by his fear

Push up

Aimed at the ground,

I fall with out putting in any effort to stop myself.

Push up.

I dont see a reason to get out of bed today,

The noise of the world is just far to loud.

Push up.

I cant seem to catch my breath between the pouring confessions to a friend,

That I havent been alright for weeks.

Push up.

Today im going to try again though,

Today im going to force myself out of bed with all the strength I have.

Today I am going to make it an okay day instead of waiting for one to find me.

No matter how hard life knocks me to the ground today,

I will push up.

Good poetry is like good music

It doesn’t demand your attention

Instead it brings attention to your soul

Everyone wants to be

A shade of gold and silver

While I would rather have

A heart that is opaque

I want when you look at me

To see the faint outline of what is inside

So your brain has to decode

The fuzzy image that lays behind

I’ll show you if you ask,

But first I want you to see

That there is more on the inside

Then what is clear to see

Read me

Inside and outside.

Know my thesis as well as you know my cover.

To those who dont know me describe my font like only you know it;

To those who do, decypher the odd bits that they dont even understand.

Read me inbetween my stanzas,

Between the lines where even though im not saying anything directly.

You still understand me.

Let me be your author.

Read me.

5, 4, 3…

It was five, five before you would find your time had long run out at the end of the line, and with a rushed goodbye be wisked away with both of us wishing that you could stay.

Four, on the floor, as I searched once more, all my studio apartment, for your charging chord. To be the hero one last time; to see that awestruck look in your eyes, and make one last worry dissapear in time

Three, had to be, you and me and he, not allowed to get to close, but still wanting nothing but each others company. Sneaking hand holding in the back of the car, as we shot across distances, however far.

Two, me and you, black and blue, torn up from a day that hell had surely grew, but both of us knowing what yesterday knew. Just how to get through this, when it was just me and you

One. Second to none. A number infinately more than zero, but only by a small sum. The amount of days left together. We will spend it on the run. Or we’ll spend it in the sun. Thinking up all the things we should have done.

Zero, back to five, I wish you didnt have to go. But you’ll miss work and school, I know, I know… But I’ll still be tracing the outline of your silhouette, and I close my eyes as it grows quiet in my head. And I’ll dream of you, come on you stupid sheep. Five four three two one… Sleep.

(A)maze

I dont think I’m alone

I’m just alone in my thoughts

Behind these eyes

Is a maze in which I am lost

But behind your eyes

I see only you

So I’m clawing my way out

To get lost in you

Melted

Our past was as clear as footprints in the snow,

But summer came and they are long past melted.

The memories we have are like castles in the sand,

Till waves came in to reclaim what we built with.

What we had was a log cabin of dreams,

But damn if you didnt love playing with matches.

Our heads were in the clouds and the breeze took us away,

And now were left too seperate to fix this.

Every night feels like an ocean ride

When i fall asleep next to you

Softly held by the tide

When you hold me like only you do

The welcoming warm of the sea breaze

Is the soft sound of your breathing

The lazy current that pulls me

Is knowing i have just what I am needing

Every night is a ocean ride

when i fall asleep next to you

Softly held in the moonlight

By the one i love, you

Party Prints

Stale soda

Cigarette ash and candle wax

Lingering scents of sweet drinks

and burnt food

The last reminants of strangers

composing themselves as they leave

Scattered confetti

Stained napkins and scattered sharpies

I still have the number you gave me

Cell phones left in the two or threes

Filled with texts and calls

To say they will return to retrieve them

Red cups

Laid like fingerprints across the lawn

Of a wonderful night

Now long gone

Bite my tongue

Should of bit my tongue

Held back those words vile,

no matter how badly I wished to say them

Tastes like raw meat

Fulfilling in a sense and sickening

Flesh that fills the mouth animalisticaly

Just to be spit out and rot, no sustenance

Only salmonella

Infecting the ears of the target,

Que instinct as we bite and gnash one ‘gainst the other

Words cleverly crafted,

Employed to bite, to tear

What good was this waisted remark

If all our love for another goes to the dogs from it

Bite my tongue

How can you spend all day

Throwing your life to poems and proses

How can you waist your stay?

In a lovely location with your head writing lyrics

Well honestly I can tell you today

I didn’t waist it writing, oh don’t be mistook

To quote what Douglas Adams would say,

It takes much longer, to not write a book

Die from 9 - 5 in the sun

Every sip of water tastes like salt from the sweat that coats my lips

But I can’t rest yet.

Have to eat, eat or I will be sick, and they don’t let sick people work

And I need to work, at least for another day,

Two Tuesdays, plus a Monday in-between

Enough to make rent, just gotta make rent

My skin is burnt, I have aloe at home, gotta stay in the sun for just a hour more, one hour then I can eat.

My stomach is already against the idea of eating,

I gotta rest, but I can’t rest now, if I rest now I can’t work,

If I can’t work I can’t eat, can’t eat can’t work, can’t work can’t have a place to sleep, cant sleep now gotta work, work so I can eat

Can’t eat yet though, gotta work

I gotta get out of this rut,

But to do that I gotta work,

I gotta get out of this work,

I gotta do alot of things

I gotta eat…

Cant eat now.

Have to numb the will to live

To live outside of work

Can’t afford to live, to expensive I’d never eat,

Can’t eat can’t live,

Can’t eat can’t work,

Can’t work can’t sleep

Can’t sleep cant live

Can’t live…

Can’t..

Live…

Can’t…

Work…

Live…

Sleep…

Eat…

Suddenly

Suddenly its one a.m.

I wake up in your arms again

The whole room is silent except the fan

And i know now,

I never want to leave again.

Bleach

Dont be surprised.

When your making yourself clean

If it feels like your ruining everything

Bleach stains and chemical burns

These are signs of lessons learned

Only a little while longer

Only a little while longer

Then I am home where I belong

In the arms of one who knows me

As content as the night is long.

36 hours then your beside me

And I can hold you touch your face

My love only a little while longer

Till I am in the right place.

Breath

We breath our breaths like cheep cigarettes

Burning through the pack to fill the time

We dont waist time on the feeling of our lungs filling

Dont give a thought as the last smoke arives

We meerly stare at its coming

Taking a little longer to smoke the ones inbetween

We breath our breaths like cheep cigarettes

Because we dont know what the breaths mean.

Living solely for your senses; It’s the quickest path to emptiness.

Leaving your senses for your soul, is the only path to being whole.

Breathless

We held our hands

Underwater.

Turned love

Into a contest.

Who could hold their breath longer?

Red is the collor of love,

Isnt it?

I saw the flush of it on your face

Mine to I guess.

Down here in the inaudible blue.

Turning blue from neither

Going up for air,

And not sharing our own

This isnt sustainable

I know

But isnt love

Supposed to leave you? (breathless)

A fall

A tree in Autumn

Our names carved, fading

You; leaves. Colourful. Death

Final thoughts

Those eyes that trace me

The lips to erase me

The wimper to devide me

The scarlet to remind me

The warmth of the dagger

The mess made from the stagger

The slipping thoughts that baddger

Before conciding that nothing matters

The light freckling through your hair

The passionles gait you now wear

The ridged coldness in our air

A coldness only one will be cosigned to share

The sunken groan of this goodbye

The racing thoughts of how to explian why

For me time will freaze, for you, will fly

As we both raise a hurried spirt to the sky

And with that my story will end

And now both of us may spend

The rewards of our deeds payment will rend

Yes,for we, this is the end

353

You whispered

And my heart screamed

That is love

My heart for the fall

My heart for the fall

Where familiarity lies,

Where everything is beautiful,

Before it dies.

Reminding me of

The love I once had,

Once a passionate red

Now rotted and clad.

With audiable reminders

In the streets all around,

The rustling of collors

A past waiting to be found.

So Ill reread your letters

And might burn them this time,

My heart for the fall,

Of what used to be mine.

War[rant]

Of all the times I’ve known better,

The pang of conscious in the rain.

I knew as long as we had eachother,

These moments wouldnt feel the same.

Now i am staring at my own reflection,

Ripping out my stiches time to time;

I cant stand what the outside isnt becoming.

I hope its different inside.

Spiritual insomnia

When my body aches,

From all the days spent struggling,

I know that it all stems from insomnia.

The daily in and out of laying awake,

Not at night but at all times,

Not insomnia of the mind but of the soul.

I wish for a rest greater than my heart has ever known.

But to reach that day I must push on.

Writing poetry like spiritual coffee

Just gotta stay up a little longer

“you were my first love and you always will be. i can’t say i don’t miss you but i cannot keep you here with me forever. the memory of the person you used to be is slowly fading and i’m starting to forget what it felt like to love you. what it felt like being loved by you. i see you with her and i resent you. i’m scared that my memories of you as my first love will be overshadowed by the destruction you caused in the end.”

— s.c. (accepting change)

“I’ll always secretly wish that the honor of being my first love went to someone more noble, honest, and deserving. I would never want to relive the 6 years of my life with you, especially if it would’ve ended in the same pain and destruction. But even though my heart sometimes fills itself with regret at allowing myself to become so misguided by my blinding love for you, I understand it was all necessary. It was necessary to surrender myself to the suffering you caused me to grasp the importance of knowing my own worth. To understand that I must put myself before anybody else. For the rest of my life the scars you left on my heart will shake when I think of my first love. But they will guide me in making decisions that will fulfill me. I have taken a lot of lessons away from loving you, like following my intuition and respecting myself enough to remove myself from toxic situations. And understanding that the way you treated me is the stark opposite of what I deserve. Most of all, loving you taught me that you cannot have bliss without suffering, simply because you do not know what true happiness is without feeling the deepest sadness.”

— s.c. { i will be happier than i’ve ever been and i owe it all to the way you destroyed me }