when i look at people older than me, i often wonder how they made it here. how life didn’t swallow them whole. i study their faces like a map, i see the pools of weariness in their eyes. i see the way wrinkles dangle around their mouths, how the lines seep into their skin, little reminders of how long they’ve lived. i glide my eyes over their hands, the signs of growth and age splattered on their knuckles. i wonder about the stories they’ve gone through, i wonder if they were the protagonist or the antagonist. i wonder how they managed to wake up, to sleep, to exist through so many days and nights. i get overwhelmed. ican’t even fathom the thought of tomorrow, i can’t look at it with willing eyes, i can’t embrace it with open arms. instead, i dread it. i look at all the days i’ve lived, and they hang around my head, all the old memories, they haunt me. and so i wonder how they did it. i wonder how they’ll continue to do it, until death decides it’s time to take them. i wonder if i’ll ever get there. if i’ll ever look in the mirror, and the fine lines growing across my face will be normal, welcoming. i wonder if my days will be worth waking up for, if the thought of tomorrow will become a gift i’m lucky enough to receive. i can’t picture myself like that, aging, embracing. i can’t muster up  a version of me with gray hair, and crepe skin. i’ve always thought i’d be gone too young, that this sadness would sink me into my grave before a wrinkle could settle into my fake smile. i’ve been convinced i won’t make it out of this battle alive; that this darkness is too strong, too thick to break through. i don’t know if i’ll ever be an old soul. but i do know i’ve been a drowning one. a lost one. a dying one.

“I don’t think I have the words to explain how much you mean to me. You’ve helped me more than any other person has ever in my entire life. The long walks to nowhere, the long nights of laughing at what seems like nothing and everything, the pep talks, the ego checks. I haven’t many people close, but I’m happy I let you in. You never fail to slap me in the face with reality when I need or deserve it, nor do you hesitate to give me a helping hand when it’s obvious that I can’t do it on my own. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

I love you”

- colorfulbiscuithandsdiplomat

“It’s okay.

Saving me was never your job anyway.”

~ colorfulbiscuithandsdiplomat

Of course she has a loud voice, of course she is always yelling, because at home no one is listening to her.

~ colorfulbiscuithandsdiplomat

It’s weird to think that in this very moment someone is lying alone in their deathbed, balancing between life and death or reuniting with an old lover, tightly wrapped in a warm embrace or writing a suicide note, pondering different ways to say goodbye, right in this moment someone’s heart is fluttering from a first kiss and someone’s is breaking from a goodbye.

~ colorfulbiscuithandsdiplomat

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and that is something nobody ever tells you when you are young.”

~ Unknown

“Do you ever get that feeling when you’re sitting in your room alone, your thoughts wander, you’re not crying but you just feel sad and empty, replaying moments from your life and wondering. Where did it all go wrong?”

~ colorfulbiscuithandsdiplomat

“I’m beginning to realize how little I mean to everyone.”

~ colorfulbiscuithandsdiplomat

“I’m that person everyone replaces after a while.”

~ colorfulbiscuithandsdiplomat

“Have you ever wanted to cry, and no tears came out. So you just sit there, quietly, and feel your heart break into tiny pieces while everything crumbles around you.”

~ colorfulbiscuithandsdiplomat

“but if I sit in the rain, maybe I can drown in something other than my own thoughts.”

~ Unknown

“If this is how my life is going to be, I don’t want it anymore.”

~ Unknown

“People keep telling me that life goes on, but to me that’s the saddest part.”

~ Unknown

Do NOT blame suicidal people for wanting to die

• They can’t help it.
• They are in a kind of pain you can’t even imagine.
• The last thing they need is more guilt.
• They trusted you enough to tell you, don’t guilt trip them.
• If you don’t know how to help them, please ask a professional for advice.
• It takes much strenght to survive suicidal thoughts. They are strong but they need help and support. 
• It is NOT their fault, nor yours. They just need support.
• Suicidal pain is exhausting and they only want to rest. Try to understand, not blame them.
• They need professional help.
• They are not selfish.
• They are ill.

“I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days, I always regret sharing too much, caring too much, doing too much, feeling too much.”

“Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul.”

~ Unknown

“Life is shit.”

~ Me, 2020

“If you could go back, would you? I heard you say you want to erase the last six months . . . but if you could, would you, really?”

Would I?

~ Anna Todd, After We Fell

“Don’t let people treat you like a cigarette, they only use you when they’re bored and step on you when they’re done. Be like drugs, let them die for you.

~ Unknown

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”

~ S. Maraboli