#spilled truth

Before I fell in love for the first time, I didn’t get how two people could just break up and never talk to each other again. How could you do that after all the history you made together, I thought. But now, as I am heartbroken, I get it. You can’t just go back to being friends and pretend like nothing happened between you two. You can’t watch your ex-lover move on and meet someone else. It’s simply too hard to watch the person you once loved more than you loved yourself, look at someone else the way they looked at you.

You always told me I shouldn’t worry about her. She was just a friend, you said. I notice the way you talk about her with that spark in your eyes. You used to look at me like that. What did I do to deserve your betrayal? Am I not good enough?

I can’t believe how he could just betray me like that. I’ve done nothing but support and love him no matter what, with only disrespect in return. I’m unsure about a lot of things, but I’m certain I did nothing to deserve being treated like this. That’s why I have to walk away now.

I’d like to believe we will meet each other again when we’re slightly older. Maybe then we could love each other unconditionally, and nothing will be in our way. Maybe we will be right for each other. Maybe.

I can’t believe we went from strangers to friends, from friends to lovers, and then turned into strangers again. I shared everything with you, even my darkest secrets. But now a simple hello seems too hard to say. How did we get here?

I will always choose you, in every lifetime, but you won’t even choose me in one. And I know I cannot love you into loving me.

I don’t want to lose you in my life but we can’t be together the way I want us to be. I guess I’ll have to accept to only have half of you, just so I won’t lose all of you.

If you push me away, you’re not gonna find me where you left me. My heart is big, but not big enough to deal with people who decide to love me when it’s convenient for them.

Nobody told me staying friends with an ex you truly loved is impossible. We can end on good terms, but I can’t be around you anymore. Every small thing reminds me of our time together. And don’t even get me started on your scent, it’s intoxicating.

Reading your old texts is enough for me to fall apart once again. I wish you were the same person as you were in the beginning. How did you turn so cold?  

It hurts so much feeling like I’m never good enough. I feel like I’m only someone temporary until something or someone better comes along. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore. It’s breaking me.

We’ve never skipped a day without talking, until now. It has been three whole days. I don’t know what you have been doing or why you don’t text me anymore. All I know is that I miss you like crazy, but I don’t want to bother you. Maybe it’s supposed to end this way?

All I wanted was to lay down with you after having sex. I just wanted to be held by you. But you didn’t want that. You wanted my body, while all I wanted was your heart.

As time passes by and memories start to fade, I’m beginning to see the red flags I missed when we first started talking. I used to make excuses for all the rude things you said, but I’m starting to realise it wasn’t okay at all. Maybe I truly am better off without you.

He told me smoking was bad for me, I never thought he would turn out to be worse. He was the type of person that got stuck, not only in my head, but in my veins too. The type I wrote poetry about, but wouldn’t introduce to my parents. He lit a fire inside of me, and then left me to burn out. I didn’t need to kiss him to feel the sparks, every time his fingertips brushed across my skin, my heart would race like a Maserati. My skin erupted in goose bumps, and my stomach filled with butterflies. And every time his lips met mine, I felt like I was on ecstasy. He was the closest thing to love I ever felt, and now that he’s gone I don’t want to feel it again. When he kissed me for the last time, my heart felt this loneliness; I still haven’t recovered from it.

- an illicit affair

New York wasn’t the same without you. I never once thought for a second that a city, so vast and overpopulated could ever make me feel so lonely. But that’s exactly what it did. I could see your face everywhere, almost like you were haunting me. Guilt following me wherever I went. I shouldn’t have been thinking of you. But I saw you on street corners laughing drunkenly with your friends. I saw you in Central Park, smoking cigarettes. I saw you at the Highline - looking out at the skyline. And then I saw you, outside the hotel - teary eyed, arms outstretched - begging me to stay. And then I saw myself, shaking, with wet cheeks from the tears streaming down them, turning around and walking away from you. And as I stepped into the yellow taxi, you disappeared, faded away like you did 7 years ago. What would have happened if I stayed? If I didn’t get into the elevator?

New York left me lonelier than I was after I left you. I guess it’s my karma - you always had a way of coming back to me. Without you, my vision of New York is tainted - haunted by you.

You walk across that dirt road, and make your way towards the lake, our lake. And you’ll sit on the hill, under the tree and you’ll light one of those Marlboro cigarettes you always used to smoke. And you begin to remember. It’s been nearly two years, but you still remember. You remember it all perfectly. You’ll remember the songs we listened to, and argued over. You’ll remember the first time we sat there at sundown and how we spoke endlessly for hours. About everything, I learned about your fears and you learned about my dreams.

And you’ll remember the first time you kissed me, and you’ll remember the last. Then the sun will eventually fade into the horizon and the dark will creep it’s way in, and you’ll realise that it’s over. We don’t get second chances in this life, and we can hold on and hold out but nothing will change it. All we have is the memories, those bittersweet memories that are far too precious to let go of. Without them, it would have all been just a dream. A picture perfect dream. But you’ll be there in our spot, and you’ll remember everything as if it were yesterday - and you’ll wonder where it all went wrong, and you’ll think about the timing, and what it could have been, what we could have been.

A diary excerpt

America - summer, circa 2015

Laughing-

It comes easily with you.

It’s the kind of laugh

That brings a smile to my face

Hours later.

-b.m.

I hope my name burns your throat,

and I hope you have to say it often.

-b.m.

You know how to say all the right things.

You make me so happy.

You make me feel so much love.

But-

How do I know this isn’t wrong again?

How do I know you won’t make me so sad?

How do I know my heart won’t be crushed again?

b.m.