You’ve hurt me

Irrevocably

There’s nothing poetic about it

No pretty words

To describe the pain

I’m just

Empty

-mouse

“nothing lasts forever” [edit]

“nothing lasts forever”

Some day, I wish life could just pause for a while

Some days, I just want life to stop.

I don’t necessarily want to die. But I wish I could hit pause and be left alone for a while. But if I do this in real life, if I isolate myself for a while, life just keeps going. You still have to do stuff, to answer people, to live up to some stupid expectations. Life doesn’t wait. And then I feel guilty for wasting my time, for not doing anything. I don’t even enjoy taking a nap.

I just want to be in peace. Without all the trouble, the people, the expectation, the noises, the lights, and all the shit in life. Just pause everything and sleep. Stop thinking about anything. Stop feeling anything. Pure emptiness. But not the bad heavy devastating one. The sweet pure relaxing emptiness.

Today I felt sadness again. I know what you might be thinking : “but you’re depressed! You have a blog about depression. Sadness isn’t new for you”. Well, it is. Sadness is not something I experiment a lot, in my everyday life.

It’s been a long time since I felt sad, and I mean sad in the literal way. It wasn’t like the usual stuff. It didn’t feel like my depression. It didn’t feel like when I’m having my crisis. I didn’t feel like me being depressed. 

It felt totally different.

You see, my depression is very violent. When it happens, when it suddenly hits me, it hurts so much that I can’t even breathe anymore. I feel anxious, panicked, broken, hurt. But not sad. Not usually. Mostly, I panic, I cry, I scream, I hit my walls, I break stuff, I run if I can… And then, when the crisis is over, I feel this horrible feeling of loneliness, hopelessness, and emptiness growing inside of me, eating me up, stopping me from doing anything.

But I don’t feel sad.My depression is more about PAIN. But not necessarily sadness. And I haven’t feel sad for a really long time… To be completely honest with you guys, I almost forgot how it felt. When it happened to me today, I was confused and kinda lost for a while. I was like “what is this feeling? This is not how it usually feels like.”

I understood, later, it was just basic sadness.  

Why I was feeling sad today is not important or relevant. The reason doesn’t matter. My point is :sadness is really hard to feel too; and it has nothing to do with depression. I knew that already but today I’ve lived it. 

I almost forgot about it but sadness is really difficult to handle too. We often forget what it’s like to feel sad. Just sad, not depressed. Sadness is this feeling you have in your guts that makes you believe you will never be happy again. Like,it takes all your joy away and leaves you just like that. It feels like you will never be able to smile or laugh again. It’s really weird, cause you don’t really want to cry or anything. It’s like you’re shut down. You don’t want to do anything but listen to sad songs and think about whatever it is that makes you sad. It’s like a whole new state you’re into.

Sadness is pretty damaging too. To me, depression is worse, of course. But when you haven’t felt sad for a very long time and it hits you again, it’s really hard. You’re like “oh yeah, I remember it now, it sucks too!”

Anyway, what I learnt from this experience is that : once again, sadness and depression are not the same thing. You can feel sad, it doesn’t mean you’re depressed. And depression doesn’t always come with sadness.

I thought I was doing better. Like not in a “Everything’s fine and I’m totally cured” way or anything. But for a while I felt, I don’t know, a little less bad about myself or about my life. And I remember I told myself it was good, I was making progress and I started believe maybe I could do it. But I felt down again. Harder, deeper, darker. I had another crisis, a mental breakdown. It was horrible. I almost forgot how the pain felt. When it hit me again, I broke down so damn hard I thought I was gonna die, suffocating. And it’s always like that. I think I’m doing better and then some shit happens and I keep making the same mistakes and I realize I’m still so fuckep up. It just feels like this will never end. It feels like nothing will ever change, and I will stay in this vicious circle my whole life. And God, I’m tired of this.