Everyone fu*king leaves at the end.

I’m so naive. I actually thought I was getting better.

One day this will kill me and I can’t wait for that day to come.

Why people replace me so easily?

i already know i’m not good enough.

She says she’s fine

but she’s going insane.

She says she feels good

but she’s in a lot of pain.

She says she’s okay

but she’s really not.

Child Sexual Abuse

Child Sexual Abuse - Rape and Sexual Assault Message Board and Chat Room

Child sexual abuse can be hard to detect for several reasons. Children’s bodies tend to naturally heal very quickly and sexual predators are known to extensively groom their victims to ensure that little or no evidence of the assault took place.

While this list is by no means exhaustive, it can serve as an initial tool for a concerned party to evaluate whether they should report a possible case of child sexual abuse to the police or local child protective services.

• A sudden regression to infantile behavior in a child that does not normally exhibit such symptoms. These include thumb-sucking, excessive crying and bedwetting.
• Disturbed sleep patterns, sudden fear of the dark, or excessive nightmares.
• A disturbance of appetite.
• Behavioral differences such as fearfulness, withdrawal, and crying for no apparent reason.
• Lashing out in school or a sudden decline in grade performance.
• A marked increase in aggressiveness and/or anger.
• A marked intolerance of being touched, even hugged.
• Suicidal thoughts and behavior.
• Strange clothing, such as turtlenecks or long sleeves in the summer.

Some day, I wish life could just pause for a while

Some days, I just want life to stop.

I don’t necessarily want to die. But I wish I could hit pause and be left alone for a while. But if I do this in real life, if I isolate myself for a while, life just keeps going. You still have to do stuff, to answer people, to live up to some stupid expectations. Life doesn’t wait. And then I feel guilty for wasting my time, for not doing anything. I don’t even enjoy taking a nap.

I just want to be in peace. Without all the trouble, the people, the expectation, the noises, the lights, and all the shit in life. Just pause everything and sleep. Stop thinking about anything. Stop feeling anything. Pure emptiness. But not the bad heavy devastating one. The sweet pure relaxing emptiness.

Sometimes I feel so insecure as shit and I think about myself and these words are coming into my mind : “fat”, “ugly”, “small piece of shit”, “worthless”, “unattractive” etc. They just appear in my mind and all I want at that very moment is to write them down on my arms or my legs. And I think about how bad I want to take my razor blades and just do it. Just to let the pain go away. Just to make these words disappear from my mind. Just to be able to fucking sleep without feeling this way.

But then I remember those words are already on my arms and/or legs. I remember I’ve already done that to myself.

And I realise I still want to do it again.

And I think that’s what hurts the most.

People who eventually learn about your depression are all THE SAME, it’s so fucking frustrating. They’ll try to cheer you up, make you feel better, and in a way, it’s really good. It’s nice to have people you know you can count on to make you feel less shitty in your everyday life. It’s great to know you can talk to someone about your problems, someone who’ll care, who’ll try to understand. 

BUT, there’s something really important people don’t seem to understand : DEPRESSION IS A MENTAL ILLNESS THAT CANNOT BE FIXED. 

IT. HAS. NO. FUCKING. CURE.

That’s the whole point. It’s a disease. I. Am. Sick. I’m not just “tired” or “sad”. There are no easy solutions. Actually, there’s something wrong with my brain. With my biology. With my molecules or something. With things that no one can really modify or fix. It’s inside my MIND. How could anyone do anything about it? It’s not like people could literally go inside my mind and fix the broken parts, like they usually do with physical injuries.  

Alright, people? Is that clear? 

Sono need to come and try to fix me, to cure me, or to give me stupid advices like “just go talk to a therapist” or “take some medication” or even “try to be a little happier” like if there was an easy answer to fix the problem. 

I’m like “no!!!!!” 

First of all, these people don’t know ANYTHING about my mental health, about my personal situation, about my story and about how I’m handling things (or not). They don’t know anything and they just assume. And you know, it’s always really irritating to hear people talk to you about YOUR disease like if they knew it better than you do. I’m like “yeah, you’ve known I’m sick since like two minutes but sure, you probably know my illness better than me - who, btw, have been living it for the past TWENTY FUCKING YEARS.” 

Then, even if they do know a lot about mental illness, or about me, it’s NOT their job to fix me or cure me! It’s not their responsibility. I feel like most of people are just helping me because of moral duty, you know? Like they want to be good people, heros, social justice warriors. They want to feel good about themselves. And in the end, they’re not happy because I’m supposedly “better” but because they THINK they cured me, they think they did a good action. 

WHY CAN’T PEOPLE ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I AM SICK AND THAT THERE’S NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT??? 

I’m not even asking them to cure me or to do anything in order to make me feel better, cause I know it’s very complicated, if not impossible! I’m just asking them to be there for me, to care, to talk to me… But instead, they just want to fix you like you’ve just got a broken leg or something! UGH. So annoying.  

RESPECT MY GODDAMN DISEASE AND STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. 

I thought I was doing better. Like not in a “Everything’s fine and I’m totally cured” way or anything. But for a while I felt, I don’t know, a little less bad about myself or about my life. And I remember I told myself it was good, I was making progress and I started believe maybe I could do it. But I felt down again. Harder, deeper, darker. I had another crisis, a mental breakdown. It was horrible. I almost forgot how the pain felt. When it hit me again, I broke down so damn hard I thought I was gonna die, suffocating. And it’s always like that. I think I’m doing better and then some shit happens and I keep making the same mistakes and I realize I’m still so fuckep up. It just feels like this will never end. It feels like nothing will ever change, and I will stay in this vicious circle my whole life. And God, I’m tired of this.

Some days are hard. 

Some days,I can’t. I can’t stand myself. I can’t cope with the idea of living with myself. I can’t look at the mirror without crying. Some days, when I look at myself, I only see “fat”, “ugly”, “stupid”, “not funny”, “worthless”, “dumb”, “useless” and it’s unbearable. Because at these days, I hate myself so much… And it hurts so bad that I literally shut myself down. 

Some days, I don’t understand. I don’t understand what my family sees in me. I don’t understand what my friends like about me. I don’t understand how such amazing people could ever tolerate me. I don’t understand how people could want to be with me, because I’m such a shitty worthless garbage. 

Yesterday was hard.  

I WANT TO DIE. OH GOD I WANNA BE DEAD. I.JUST.WANT.TO.FUCKING.DIE. I’M DONE. I CAN’T. I REALLY CAN’T HANDLE ALL OF THIS SHIT ANOTHER DAY. I WANT TO PUSH A BUTTON AND JUST STOP EXISTING. I WANT TO DIE.