I can’t remember the last time I felt this alone

I’m getting bad again. And unlike every other time, when I’ve sought out help,

This time I’m just letting it infest me.

I want to lose weight. No matter what. I want to feel numb, because I have been stuck in a rut of feeling too much for too long.

Getting lost in myself has never hurt so much.

I’m getting bad again…

It’s festival season, and where I am, it’s really hot. I’ve been working out a lot and I’ve lost weight but my thighs and butt have gotten bigger with muscle, but none of last years shorts fit anymore.

I tried buying some new ones today. And although I have been in such a good place about my body, I haven’t felt this low since high school. I haven’t eaten at all today, and I know I should eat but I can’t justify it.

I just can’t do this again.

My dad straight up told me to stop seeing my therapist. That I should just shove all of my bad feelings down and “put a lid on it”. I have never more clearly seen the way he fucked up my head.

I don’t know what to say

I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’m so lost.

Life feels like a war I’m pretty sure I’m losing.

It’s so fucking tiring to pretend to be okay all the time.

The worst place in the world is in my own head

I just want all of this to end…

I really don’t know why I keep hoping things will get better.

Maybe I’m not invisible, maybe I’m excruciatingly visible and just completely ignored.

It shouldn’t be this easy to distract people from noticing how broken I am inside…does anyone really see me?

So many people said I wasn’t alone but where were they when I needed someone?