The true pandemic challenge is to stay unengaged or unmarried until all of this is over so you can finally decide without being clouded by the thought of being afraid you’ll not find anyone else so you settle for less or just wanting to have something to post about.

Give y’all five years tops. Only @theandysputed would get it. By the end of covid we’re gonna be the only ones staying happily independent lol.

Survival Guide: Fear of Being Alone

I recently heard from many different people that they don’t like to be alone or they don’t know how to be alone.

For someone who loves spending time alone and focusing on myself – I found it very weird, but yet interesting. I

wanted to know more about it to get to the bottom of the issue. Don’t they have any hobbies they can enjoy? Don’t they like to watch moves or read a good book? Yeah sure…

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I’ve been thinking a lot about naming this post. I would call it Butterfly syndrome, but it doesn’t quiet exist, so let’s just pretend this is something I made up.

It is a feeling of being stuck at one point of your life, as if you feel like you are not going anywhere. 

I’m sure a lot of you have felt this before, but I decided to give it a name. I chose those name since butterflies go through…

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Survival Guide: Being alone

Don’t we all have this  need to be alone sometimes?

I feel like my brain reaches a point when it can’t be around people anymore and I just have to get away from everyone and be alone. Do my own things, and recharge my batteries.

Have you ever felt like that? Not sure, let me tell you a few signs:

• you are constantly frustrated with even the tiniest things
• you cringe when the phone rings or you…

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I’m choosing me.

I’m not choosing to gain weight. I’m choosing to be me.

because I am not …

* saying no to plans that might involve food.

* body checking after every meal to know how much self-loathing to carry with me that day.

*rigid. numb. foggy.

*stuck in my head. distant. never present. &never truly joining in.

because I am …

* sitting at a bar, alone, having margs just because //no special occasion needed to treat myself//.

* splitting an unplanned slice of cake with a best friend.

* spontaneous. clear-minded. emotional (for the good &for the bad).

* living life. experiencing the world around me. joining in &making memories with the ones I love oh so much.

gains.

positives to weight gain

*you wear clothes, no more clothes wearing you.
* &you get to buy new clothes
*moving without fear of breaking
*discovering your body does more than hurt &be cold.
*stepping out of the fog &being present.
*social eating is actually social (not a stressful clusterfuck)
*finding ways to define yourself other than the skinny one.
*feeling. having enough energy to experience&show emotion.
*freeing up brain space to think about so many other //better// things.
*having an all natural glow up.

i’m home.

how can a place feel like home when you’ve never been there before now? how can a place make you feel so you, so complete&whole? how can a place lift all the weight another place held you down with? how can a place be everything you didn’t know you wanted, needed, &more?

do you get what I’m saying? feel what I feel?

alive but not living.

so afraid of imperfection, never actually living,feeling,experiencing.

so scared of not doing right, never being genuine &living truth.

so fearful of a mess up’s consequences, never taking chances at what could be.

face the fears. be a boldness. embrace this life. because what is being alive if you aren’t actually living?

so what now?

you work hard, minus the play hard, for four…eight… years. you achieve [insert goal here] &then what? you feel zero, not a bit, in no way different. you bust your ass working towards the big day of your life. &then what? the day was way over hyped. or worse, the day actually just sucks.

this very true (&unbearably so) storyline is our harsh reality that life is ~ all about the journey ~ &not about the destination. yeah achieving a big something is an awesome thing. but it is not ~ all the things ~ cause I am pretty sure if reaching the goal was everything, I would at least feel a little different this morning as I wake up.

if I could, would I go back &change my journey now realizing all this? nope. because all those kind of couldawoulda wishes are pointless&depressing. but I will keep this lesson learned in mind as today starts my new journey towards another something.

words vs actions.

you can tell me you care, but if you act distant,uninterested,unengaged I won’t believe you. if as soon as you come over you start looking for a way to leave, don’t bother saying “I love you” on your way out. if you can’t show it, don’t say it.

you can say all the right things, but if your actions don’t match up, your words do not mean shit.

that’s all I’ve got on this for now. end rant.

imposter syndrome.

some days I feel like a bad bitch.

other days I feel like a nothing.

some days I think I can do this.

other days I think I know nothing.

some days I know my worth.

other days I know my best means nothing.

how can I go from a something to a nothing , just. like. that. ?

the thing is… I didn’t/. I did not go to bed smart,beautiful,worthy &then wake up dumb, ugly,incapable of being loved. the mind plays mean tricks on us. //a liar//. one moment ourselves, the next an imposter. &whichiswhich? am I the beautiful,capable,worthy? or is that the fake me?

while we can’t always control the thoughts in our mind, we can choose which ones we allow to become our reality. so I choose ‘bad bitch me’. I choose 'I can do this me’. I chose 'worthy me’. &tomorrow all the thoughts (including the not so good ones) may (probs) will return. &that is okay. I will again choose. I will choose the same. I will choose to be the 'something great me’.

see me.

always never noticed. really wears on me.

forever not the main act. a bit of external validation might set the negative thoughts free.

just for once, to catch attention. out of a crowd, be the one seen.

a feeling so foreign in this life, not sure I’d recognize the happening.