Swimsuit

I was excited to buy a new swimsuit.

I chose a very cute one, peach colored, bare back, one piece. I haven’t used one in two years.

But when I tried it on, body dysmorphia knocked on the door: knock knock, you look deformed!

I notice every lump, every shape, every imperfection and they horrify me.

At that moment I saw a tear come out of my eyes. I took it off immediately. I told the saleswoman that it didn’t fit and almost ran out of the store.

When will I be able to try on clothes without feeling bad?

Any advice on how to get out from a baaaad binging episode?

Please

My mom bought cookies

I don’t know how to stop thinking about eating them.

I know that when I taste a single cookie, I’ll end up eating all of them.

I don’t want to binge.

What should I do?

Ribs

I wanted this so badly, every bite less, every second of exercise made me feel good.

I wanted them to see my ribs and that they thought it was easy for me to be thin, that everyone would stare at me and smile at me because I was pretty.

But when they look at my ribs, they feel terrified, they beg me to eat, I made my siblings cry, they thought I was going to die.

This isn´t the kind of care I expected.

dayabones:

Never do that. Don’t coach and don’t accept coaching. It’s so dangerous for your safety and so fucked up to your mind.

(And it doesn’t work)

Ed’s voicevs. What comes out of my mouth

“Don’t eat, you look like a cow”: I’m not hungry, thank you.

“You look disgusting when you eat”: I’m done, I just ate before I came.

“All that plate for you alone? You will never be skinny”: can you serve me a little less?

“You ate too much, tomorrow you will gain at least 1 kg”: I vomited because my stomach hurts, just that.

“You don’t look fat, you look deformed”: I don’t want to go shopping, I just don’t need new clothes.

“You’re fat because you don’t know how to control yourself, you disgust me”: I don’t want a cookie, I just don’t like them.

And sometimes the only way to shut up Ed’s voice is doing what they want.

Staysafe♡

You think you have the control?

I’ve just realized that everything I do is just to distract myself from food.

I’ve distorted the real purpose of things to avoid eating.

Those things shouldn’t be my distraction, they should be my hobbies.

Staysafe♡

Does anyone else turn up their music just because u think it makes u run better, even when it’s just making me more deaf.

Its really sweet of her.. I just hate having to make up a new lie every time she asks and it gives me anxiety that she’s going to find out. 

If anyone needed motivation to drink water

cureofwellness:

✨ reblog if ✨

You have an eating disorder but it doesn’t look like you do.

I’m in need of a pro ana coach , i need and active one that responds quick and keeps me motivated to not eat snacks and will help me :)

justwannabeskinnyy:

do you ever sit back and think ‘holy crap most of my life revolves around not eating. legit most of my day is spent browsing thinspo, telling myself not to eat, hating myself, exercising and drinking water. i should stop!!’ and then continue with your food-obsessed day because same

i start school again and am a bit scared cause no one knows who i am but atleast i won’t need to eatas much

hey guys sorry i’ve been not active i’ve been very busy yet again but will try and be more active

setonfire-silverdream:

Dear Diary,

I don’t care about anything anymore. I’ve buried my dreams so deep within myself no amount of self harm could ever carve them out.

Dear Diary,

She called me an angel with slit wrists.

call me eli the way i approximate the amount of calories in a meal

i’ve tried venting to my bf but yeah nevermind, tumblr will do the trick for now n 4ever

i b mad when workout burn but i cry when they don’t

my bf was genuinely the only thing holding me back from relapsing from this ED but oh well!!!! ramadan is soon anyways i can easily hide it

i honestly thought the abc diet was randomly named that and had no other meaning behind it for so long

my bf asked for my weight n when i asked why he basically said it was to use me as f@@tsp0000 i’m so done

today has all been about the way i look and EDs in everyone and every1 worrying for some1 that isn’t me i’m so tired why can’t i ever reach for help im at my serious limit i hate this so much i know i don’t show signs iknow it’s my fault it always is why am i always like this why can’t i be normal why why why why can’t i b a good s/o whag is wrong w me i’m genuinely so close to killing mshelf there’s always something wrong w me

man i wanna die

when i’m at my best i say : i fucking hate this illness!!!!!

when i’m at my worse i say : I HAVENT EATEN IN 48HOURS WOOOHOOOOOOO

happy ( well more unhappy ) 1y to me developing my 3rd ED

i started getting acne all over my chin like rlly bad acne so i started overdrinking again n now i relapsed

my life is a never ending cycle of

relapse —> pass out —> stop caring —> relapse again

woahhhhh huge urge to kms all of a sudden

*Me trying to explain my ways of thinking to my dad and why racism and homophobia is unjustifiable*

My dad: “but everybody is entitled to their opinion”

Me:

Pick me boys saying shit like:

Please stop cutting for me

Why are you depressed? I thought I made you happy…

Stop starving yourself for me

TW ED:

My power went out three times this morning. Idek why, because the weather isn’t that bad. Anyways I did some homework and tried to practice drawing. I’m kinda hungry now but I looked at some meals I have and one would be 300cal and the other is 100cal but the 300cal meal will taste better then the 100cal one but I’m scared I’ll binge if I eat it. I’ll probably just make some broth to go with for some reasons it stops me from binging.

Me and other ppl in the ed community:

“Don’t starve yourself! You deserve to eat!!!”

Also us: *starving ourselves*

1: Tomorrow is a remote day because the school decided to deep clean since everybody is getting covid.

2: I finally started to drink the zero ultra monster my mom got me. It taste kinda like medicine but you get used to it after awhile…

(ED TALK)TW:

3: I’ve been having a hard time restricting for some reason. My brain always wants me to restrict every chance I get but I’ve tried blocking it out I guess. Most people would look at what I eat in a day and be like: that’s a normal amount. But I literally feel like I eat too much. I still have thoughts about how I wouldn’t be fat if I just tried harder but it’s honestly not as bad as it was a month ago. I go up and down with this stuff and when I start restricting <I restrict hard> and will loose a lot of weight in a week or two. I’m not bad right now and I’m glad for that but I know that’ll end soon since I’ve been stressed out lately and don’t know how to cope properly.