#failing

putting my grades up for adoption because i cannot seem to raise them myself

update

started med school

fuck the french education system, we’re 1900 ppl in my year 460 will make it into medicine next year

got admitted to the psych ward twice, got stitches

changed treatments and shrinks numerous amounts of times

dude im tired i fail at everything i cant study i cant stay healthy i cant function normally unless im doped up, even then gotta take my anxios or brain go :

- command : delete

you know when you think you hit some sort of bottom, but it’s like a false bottom so you fall. and then some more. yeah. that.

haha…yeah

i think failure is my biggest fear (i am a capricorn rising)

but it seems to be the only thing i’m any good at at the moment

everything feels like a giant mountain

i fail at getting up in the mornings, instead i scroll my phone aimlessly for usually about 2 hours. today i spent 37 minutes on a zodiac sign meme page and then watched an annoying youtuber make desserts from song lyrics and then googled frog’s butt cheeks

i fail at being a productive human who does things like wear actual clothes and exercises or even leaves the house or just moves in general

i fail at the eyes of the state because after well over 150 job applications i am STILL unemployed even though i have a masters degree (thanks universal credit for paying my rent and allowing me to live my starving artist fantasy)

i failed at yet another interview this week. the last place told me i was ‘too academic’. this place was a receptionist and box office assistant job at a theatre. they said 'we have no doubt you could do this job, you’ve got great experience’ then the director showed me around the theatre and said 'this is one of the only places on earth satan will never find you’ and i said 'that’s good to know’ and then i got rejected the next morning

i fail at basic human hygeine (who knows when i last showered) and at eating 3 meals a day (today i had pasta, toast and chocolate) but i do quite enjoy stewing in my own filth and living off carbs and sugar

i fail at making decisions. today in lidl it took me many multiple minutes to decide which bag of salad to buy knowing full well half of it will go wet and wilt and end up in the bin by the end of the week anyway. and then i accidentally bought frozen strawberries instead of frozen raspberries i guess because they’re both red and i need new glasses

and i fail at regulating my emotions because that made me unreasonably mad but i really don’t want to eat the strawberries and i’m unreasonably sad that a girl i went on a really very mediocre date with on monday hasn’t messaged me back (even though i realistically felt very indifferent and she didn’t even like cats) but now i’ve decided i will without a doubt die alone and jobless so maybe i should join a convent and become a nun even though not an ounce of me believes in god but i guess i could pretend

but i’d fail at that too. not because of the god thing, or the being gay thing, but because i can’t go more than a few days without masturbating which i think would be forbidden.

Having the worst fucking week and everyone just keeps adding to the shit :(