i feel so miserable today

i need to make an appointment to see a physician, as well as a therapist. but i’m putting off both because i’m afraid things will be worse than i think they are. and i really don’t want to be on any more medication than i already am, for anything. i keep hoping that if i make lifestyle changes (like cleaner eating, more exercise, meditation, developing my hobbies) it’ll make the difference, but i lack the motivation to do them :/

ugh. 

im tired

of having to open my eyes for a new day

for once, i just want someone to stay

is it the way i was wired

that drives people away

Decisions decisions

Might fuck around and kill myself, might decide to keep living like this. What to do. I’ve reach a point in my life where I care so much I don’t care anymore . It’s like I can feel the anxiety in me some times but I just don’t have it in me to do anything about it. It’s almost like I’m dead but in pain.

I really like this guy but all I can think of is how embarrassing it would be for him if we actually got together

I’m trying, I really am. But I feel like I’m such a failure at life and that’s all people see.

I went to take something from my sister and as I was walking away, I heard my mother tell my sister how big I am and they started talking about my size and I know it seems petty but that’s all it takes for me to want to skip dinner and cry. It’s not like skipping dinner will make me smaller but it fills me with some sort of satisfaction.

I Remember

I still remember my first breakdown. Skin hot, eyes swollen, gasping on the floor feeling like every other breath would be my last. I didn’t mean to explode. Emotions pouring out like a pressurised bottle filled with water. Rivulets of tears running down my face like a river of flowing water. The lump in my throat growing until I was choking on my own skin, like my body wanted to kill me.

Maybe it should have.

I don’t remember how long I lay there. It could have been 5 minutes, 10, 15, an hour, who knows? What I do remember is how I picked myself up, wiped my tears, blew my nose and promised myself it would be my first and my last.

How foolish and naïve I was. Gullible enough to belive my own lie.

If you were to ask me, how many more times I allowed my emotions to control me, force me to my knees, with my eyes squeezed shut, like a sinner begging for forgiveness, and I did feel like a sinner, but the crimes to me were unknown, I would not be able to tell you.

I still remember the first time I was exposed to suicide personally. I wondered; why would someone take their own life? What could force you to commit such a crime. Who could have hurt you so badly?

But then I learnt. I learnt that their reason wouldn’t matter to me because to me that person’s problem may seem insignificant to me but to them, it was worth dying for. For me, it was the words shot at me from the mouths of classmates, family and even strangers. The words leaving their mouths like bullets firing out of a gun, striking its target, fast and true. Breaking down the walls of my confidence and self worth that took years to build. 13 to be exact. Broken down in the span of what, 3 days for the most. They left me vulnerable to the voice in my head. That’s the “who”. The one who hurts you the most. The one who haunts you day and night. Laying dormant in your mind until you are stripped bare, with no protection, no way of fighting. It eats you up alive, from the inside until you feel like an imposter in your own skin. Like a corpse, donning a body to fit in the smiling crowds and happy faces. And when you are are alone and you remove that mask, all you are left is feeling broken and lifeless. You then proceed to wishing someone would see how you’ve changed, how you have lost the twinkle in your eyes, that sparkle in your smile. Days begin blurring together, forming one big dark cloud. Time slips from your fingertips, taunting you, until you just need it to stop. You need the feelings to stop, the stares, the voices.

Everything.

Stop.

Please?

It is not death you crave but silence from the harsh tormenting voice, driving you to the point of madness. Outlining each and every one of your flaws from the scar on your face, to the stretch marks on your back, causing your lack of trust in people to the cuts on your thighs…

We all have a different story, some not as extreme and others ten times ass worse. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t feel what you feel. Your feelings are yours, don’t let anybody tell you how to feel.

I may not remember everything in my life, but I remember many of my firsts that began to destroy me. I remember how young I was, so little I understood.

I dont know which is better, knowing and understanding another’s pain or being oblivious to what would have been mine.

update

started med school

fuck the french education system, we’re 1900 ppl in my year 460 will make it into medicine next year

got admitted to the psych ward twice, got stitches

changed treatments and shrinks numerous amounts of times

dude im tired i fail at everything i cant study i cant stay healthy i cant function normally unless im doped up, even then gotta take my anxios or brain go :

- command : delete

I think sad people always try to make people happy. Because they know what it is like to feel completely useless and they don’t want anyone else to feel that way.

“That’s what happens” she said “You let people in, and they destroy you”

There we go with your mixed signals and my overthinking.

Learn to manage alone in life and never depend on anyone, because even your shadow will leave you when you are in the dark.

I would love a moment of peace… just a moment to find myself… it’s hard to be strong every day. Strong for me, strong for others. It is very difficult to hold up when you need to be supported.

The worst sadness is the sudden one, the one that comes without a reason. Feeling the emptiness inside and not being able to fill it. Feeling so fragile that you die inside.

I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face. But with words.

I don’t know who you are but I am convinced that you are a beautiful person with only negative thoughts.

Sometimes we think that strong people never cry, instead they are those who cry the most, those who have made sensitivity their strength, have made pain their courage, loneliness their hope.

F.E.A.R. has two meanings: forget everything and run or face everything and rise. The choice is yours.

Time improves every skill.

i am alive, i am just so emotionally exhausted that i have no room for social media ;_;