Moving On

After about 10 years I’ve been discharged from the mental health team and left to my own devices. Crazy I know.

The day I was discharged was a rollercoaster of emotions. I felt so proud of how far I’d come but really sad at everything I’ve been through. I felt like I was saying goodbye to a part of me. I cried happy tears and felt a huge sigh of relief leaving the building. I hated saying goodbye to my psychologist because she was amazing and a massive part of why I feel comfortable with being discharged and coping on my own. She believed in me and helped me see a positive future. Goodbyes are hard for people but extra difficult for people with BPD.

However I don’t feel I have BPD now or I don’t meet the criteria for it. My team agreed. My records now state: PTSD, accompanied with insomnia and depression (in remission)

All of this is positive but I now have to think about other things to focus on in life. Things that I never thought I would get to live through or experience. Having been depressed for most of my life I never looked forward to anything. All of this has changed and it’s scary.

I have a career I really want to do and I’m making steps all the time to get me there. I hope it’s something I will be good at and I will do whatever it takes to achieve it.

Being an adult comes with certain expectations like marriage and children. And being 24 makes me nervous that my “body clock” is ticking. I’ve said in another post how I had a plan as a child, things I wanted to achieve at certain times and I’m not really on track with that. Which is okay but there is so much social pressure to be grown up.

My sister is 2 years younger than me with a 3 year old which I think puts me 5 years behind her (Don’t ask why, I just added 2 and 3) and I’m super happy for her but it makes me worry that I’m so behind with life and I don’t want to feel pressured to catch up especially when I’ve already had procedures and complications. (Don’t worry I have no plans for a child right now).

Now I’m discharged from the mental health team I have to really start thinking about these things. I’ve thought about having children for years but never wanted to have a child when I couldn’t give them 110% from me.

I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 4 years which again having BPD and PTSD was a struggle but we’ve made it work. And now we get to really think about our future together - scary!

I used to wake up hating the world, not knowing if I would make it through the day in one piece. Nothing really excited me, I didn’t take pride in myself and I wished I could disappear.

Now I get to wake up and be excited about a new washing machine, new zoflora smells, planning trips with loved ones, smiling my head off on a netball court (most of time), making plans AND keeping them even if I’m anxious, cuddling my niece just because I can, telling people I love them. I try to look after my mental and physical health the best I can.

I suppose what I wanted to get across in this blog was that I can finally look forward to things even though I’m scared and feel pressure. I do want to fulfill my dreams and do the “Adult stuff”.

I feel pretty happy with things at the moment and I know I have time but there is always that social pressure to do certain things at certain times in your life. I’m just going to take each day as it comes, be grateful for my health that I do have, smile as often as I can and keep setting little goals to achieve.

I’ve never felt as happy I do now, like genuinely happy. It’s definitely something I could get used to. I do have down days but they are far and few and not to rock bottom.

I wish I could go back and tell that sad and lonely little girl that life will get better. That all the bad that has happened will make you stronger and kinder than you could ever imagine. To believe in yourself and never give up.

My message for this blog:

Create your own timeline, don’t let others lives dictate where you should be in your life. Don’t let social pressure overrule your goals. And keep believing!

People always tell you to grow up, but forget that being a child is really important.

World Mental Health Day

Today is world mental health day

This years focus is Suicide prevention.

For years I suffered with my mental health. I’ve lost people to suicide and I’ve attempted it myself. It’s scary saying that but it’s the truth.

I want to focus on the good that I have in my life at the moment as I’ve spent years only seeing the negative.

* I’ve had interviews for a new job (got the one job, waiting to hear on the other).

* I’m learning to drive, finally

* My flat feels like home, after redecorating extensively

* I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 4 years

* I’ve been discharged from the mental health team for over 2 months

* I’m on a good antidepressant

* I’m back playing sport

* I’m planning my future

* I’m loving volunteering

* I have amazing friends and family

What I’m saying is that I hit rock bottom, I saw no way out, I tried to end it all, I hated my life, I hated myself. BUT I’m here right now telling you I never thought I would be so happy. I love who I am right now, I’m a kind, caring, determined, feisty, passionate person who still suffers with depression some days but I wake up and fight, I work hard to make every day great.

Suicide is a real issue in our society, we need to be open about it. We need to be able to talk openly. I spent years hiding my illnesses but it did me no good.

I am not ashamed to say I attempted Suicide, I was not selfish, I was not inconsiderate… I was sick!

If you are in a dark place right now, please seek help. Find a good friend, ring a support line, see your GP, message me, knock on my door, find something to hold onto.

If you’re low, that’s okay, we are all struggling with something. But don’t feel low alone!

You mean something to someone. You will be missed

KEEP TALKING

KEEP OPENING UP

I feel sad for the little girl who had to go through all this, I wish I knew I was stronger.

I don’t know where I would be without sport. It’s kept me safe and sane from a very young age.

I would play every sport I could to keep myself busy. Sometimes playing two sports matches in a day.

Discharged from mental health services.

I am so mixed with emotions right now

I have been under mental health services since I was a young teen,

I have suffered trauma,

I have suffered loss,

I have been sectioned,

I have starved myself,

I have been in hospital hooked up to machines,

I have used emergency services endlessly,

I have seen multiple therapists,

I have cried myself to sleep,

I have spent a year in a specialist hospital,

I have pushed people away,

I have lived a life not worth living at times.

BUT….

Today I was discharged PROPERLY from mental health services

I had a CPA today where I was able to say I no longer need services. After 10 years of consistent input from services I can finally say I feel human again. I feel happy and content with myself.

I still have down days and I’m on medication but that’s part of life. I can handle what life throws at me and I have goals and plans I want to achieve.

I can see a career I know I will be good at and I am making plans towards that goal,

I am saving for a house,

I am volunteering,

I am getting fitter,

I am getting back into sport,

I am seeing friends,

I have a beautiful niece,

I have a good support network,

I enjoy learning,

I am growing,

I am surviving,

I have passion and motivation,

I am enjoying life

Looking back I am so grateful to those who stood by me. The people who picked me up, the people who never stopped loving me. The people who held me whilst I sobbed, who ran to me late at night, who sat in A&E with me, who put up with my misery, who called me to check I was okay.

I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH - I love you ❤️

I cannot believe all I have been through, I can say I am proud of what I’ve survived. I never thought I would see the day I say goodbye to services. I want to cry and smile all in one, so that’s what I’m going to do

To those suffering out there, please never give

Here’s to me

Anyone else find that after years of being so low and depressed it’s difficult to know how to be happy?

I’ve spent years feeling depressed and not thinking about the future but now I’m doing really well and it’s difficult to know how to respond.

Im grateful for being better but it’s weird!!

This hit me

Happy New Year + Updates

One of these days, I will be able to write an update post once per week as I’ve intended to since starting this blog. This is not that day and has not been since October when I posted this initially.

Oh well, Happy belated 2020!

(more…)

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you may write “I do not promote this lifestyle” in your bio, but that doesn’t mean shit.

You’re sharing “tips” and therefore encouraging an illness.
I understand the need to vent and I understand that once you are so far into the eating disorder , it consumes you and it is damn near impossible to want to look after your mind and your body. You don’t want to look after them.

But here’s the thing:
-sharing “techniques” does encourage the illness
-anorexia and bulimia and other eating disorders are illnesses
-you’re damaging yourself and whoever is reading those “tips”

obstinaterixatrix:

compassionatereminders:

I was talking about being afraid of people leaving me behind because I’m too sick, and my boyfriend just looked at me and said: “It’s my choice to be your boyfriend. It’s your friends choice to be your friends. You don’t have to understand it, but you have to respect our choice. Don’t try to make the decision of whether you’re worthy of people on their behalf because that’s not your decision to make.” I think that’s an important thing to remember. That whether we’re worthy of someone’s time and effort is something others can decide for themselves regardless of whether or not we agree with them. There’s a lot of peace in realizing that literally all you have to do is accept the love other people choose to throw your way. That you aren’t the one who gets to determine that you aren’t worthy of their love. That other people can choose to love you regardless of how you feel about yourself - and that you can learn to respect their choice even though you’re feeling unworthy.

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tweet by @killdads:

One day I said out loud, “when we’re apart I think you must hate me, I picture you seeing my name when I text you and heaving this big sigh because I’m so annoying” and he quietly said “that’s a little mean. I wish you wouldn’t picture me that way” and something clicked

invertprivileges:

And this, finally, is my hell: mental illness will become in time just another status marker for those who have never worked anywhere but behind a laptop, a vector for competition in the great post-collegiate race, something people put down to juice their chances of getting accepted at Cornell. People hate when I talk as though there are personal benefits to identifying with these disorders, but there plainly are, or diagnoses would not decorate so many Instagram bios, would not make it onto so many scholarship applications, appear in so many gauzy celebrity profiles. In a world of repetitive scandals where white academics are caught playacting as people of color, we should be adult enough to recognize that there are perceived social and professional benefits to occupying modern identity categories. These perceived benefits do not, of course, outweigh or even ameliorate the burdens people face as a result of these identities. But they should remind us that, in 2022, there are status games at play whenever identity is discussed. And for this reason, among many others, I find the whole concept of mental-illness-as-identity so toxic, so gross, and so dehumanizing. It reorients our attention from treatment, where it should always remain, and towards vague notions of justice, whatever such a thing could mean in this context. And those who are truly sick? As I will keep on saying, whatever benefits such identification might appear to hold for them now will prove in time to be sad illusions.

There will be many who disagree with my overall point, with my vision of a healthy philosophy for mental illness and disability, with my attitude and language. Which is fine. But the challenge to them remains the same: how do you proceed with your quest to turn mental illness into a positive thing, an honored thing, a “valid” thing, without inevitably privileging the narratives and interests of those whose mental illness is least malign? How do you tell generations of young strivers that having a mental illness is cool and unique, without alienating those who feel neither cool nor unique, but only afflicted? How do you normalize mental illness without further marginalizing those who are least normal? How long do you keep insulting people who have suffered by claiming that their suffering is good, actually? How do you constantly insist that all things are the same thing, that there is some such umbrella as the “neuroatypical” under which all manner of people fall, without trivializing the struggles of the truly disabled by equating them to those living lives that are successful by any measure? How do you keep the schizophrenic and the schizoaffective and the bipolar and the borderline and the violent and the self-harming and the catatonic and the permanently deluded at the forefront of the culture? Because the way things are going, contemporary mental illness discourse threatens to do to the truly incapacitated the very thing it claims to oppose - leaving them voiceless, ignored, unheard, alone.

When I talk about this stuff and I bring up people who are too debilitated to even take part in this conversation, when I question whether we should be so sunny about mental illness given that such people exist, I am frequently told, “well, I’m not talking about them.” To which I say, precisely.

https://freddiedeboer.substack.com/p/the-gentrification-of-disability

barmecidebiohazard:

How I categorize my ADHD moods: the EOCPsystem!

E and O modify C and P, so it’s always (E/O)C(E/O)P.

Used like an adjective: feeling ECOP, having an OCEP mood, an OCOP episode.

If you need permission to do nothing today, this is it. You need to rest to be at your best!