#mom life
I was wrong before…
Motherhood………… when I started this blog I had a list of all the hard things about motherhood. Like lack of sleep, privacy, freedom, alone time but i was wrong. The hard list consists of just one thing, a sick baby. I learned that the hard way. My happy little girl had a lump on the side of her neck. We took her to the ER and after lots of tests, procedures and IV’s were told that she has an infection in her lymph node and would need surgery. I held her while she fell asleep in my arms and then prayed the whole time she was in surgery. The doctors assured us that surgery went well. It was the longest hour of my life. That is the hardest thing about motherhood, I had it all wrong before. I complained about not being able to pee without someone starring at me or have a meal without an interruption. I thought that my C-section was the worst pain I have ever felt but it doesn’t even come close to the pain that I had when she was in surgery. 4 nights with no sleep, no shower, 27 cups of coffee, same clothes they let us take her home. The anxiety that I have been dealing with is hard to describe. Last night I had a panic attack and had to leave the house for a little bit. Being a mother of course I went to Target. Walked the isles, looked at stuff that I can’t afford or need, got my 28th coffee and went home. My daughter is 1 and she knew that mama was upset so she put her little hands over my cheeks and gently kissed my nose, If only I could freeze time.
to MOMS
At the end of each day ask your child what was their favorite part. Trust me the answers will not only shock you but will put your whole life in perspective. What seems irrelevant to us might be the most special thing for your child that day. We tend to run on autopilot between jobs, sports, homework, laundry, meals. Life is hectic, stressful and complicated which is why asking your child what was their favorite part of that day is so special. I ask my kids and you know what they usually say? Some of our usual answers are being outside, drawing a picture, making a paper airplane, watching wheel of fortune, cooking, soccer- all very simple answers. Again, it’s amazing to see how something as little as making a paper airplane was what they took away as the best memory of that day. Being a parents is one of the hardest jobs no one can train you for. There is no book, cheat sheet, no orientation although I wish there was. Everything you do affects them, every step you take they are watching you- especially when you are in the bathroom. Nothing like having your 5 year old daughter announce to the whole baseball field that her mom has a tattoo on the butt cheek (true story unfortunately). So please carve out 3 min out of your crazy day each day and simply ask “ what was your favorite part of today?” and prepare to be amazed. Always remember you are doing what you can, they are little once. You got this mama!
be kind
I want to live in the world where I don’t have to explain to my kids what war is and why I have tears rolling down my face as I watch what is happening in Ukraine. People no longer talk about Covid, vaccines or masks it’s all about Putin and what he’s doing. I want to be able to watch the news and be inspired to be better, I want to be proud instead of being ashamed when I speak Russian to my parents in public. I want people of Ukraine to be free and I wish we could take back everything that happened this past week. I honestly don’t know when it will end or how far Putin will go, I’m not even sure that he knows. Will he stop invading Ukraine or if he takes control of it will he move on to other countries like Latvia which is where I am from? I worry about my kids growing up and seeing this, I pray for the families that lost loved ones and the ones that are currently fighting to protect their land. I hate feeling helpless. I also feel guilty that I am safe and I am surrounded by my family while others are being torn apart. My heart has been heavy and my mind is exhausted trying to make sense of this. I am terrified about what is next and the fact that I may never see my grandmother again that lives in Russia kills me. 3/2/22
enough
Motherhood is hard. No one warns you about how challenging and stressful it is. No matter how organized you are or how well you plan, the laundry will never be caught up and there will be days that you just want to get in your car and drive off a cliff. When I get home from work, I always need a few minute to unwind and change into comfy clothes. Now imagine trying to do that and hearing “mama, when can I do that? When can I do this? Can you buy me that? What’s for dinner?”. All while someone is hugging your leg. Privacy going to the bathroom is nonexistent when you become a mom. Constant feeling of not being good enough, guilt of working too much, spending too much time on my phone are all things I battle with daily. Irritation of having to repeat myself 17 times about cleaning their room, putting on shoes, eating all their meals, brushing their teeth is another challenge. I’m sure it seems like I don’t like being a mother, sometimes that is true. I hate to admit that but I have to be honest, it’s hard. I love my kids more than anything but at times I feel like when I became a mom I lost myself. I lost my independence, ability to say yes when friends ask to go out, going out to dinner with my husband or simply watching a movie. On days when life gets to me and I lose my will to keep going I know I have to get out of bed and keep going. My babies are counting on me, they are my motivation to do better, to keep going to a job that I hate until I find something else. I want to be a good mom, I want them both to grow up and look back on their childhood and only have good memories. I want them to never question my love for them. I wish mental health was as easy to fix as a broken bone, put a cast on it. On the bad days when I let my anxiety win being a mom is 100 times harder. The amount of weight I have on my chest that there are times they don’t get the best version of me is hard to accept. The crazy part is that they accept me. To them I am mom. To them I am not the 34 year old that is still “trying” to buy a house, not a stressed out woman that hates her job, not the irritated individual, I am their mom. The one that comforts them before bed time, kisses all the boo boos, supports their dreams, saves all their artwork and cheers the loudest at all the games. They love me for the simple fact that I am their mom and that is enough, I am enough. 1/19/2022
1/6/22
Some people come into your life and you just know that no matter what happens and no matter how much time has passed you can call them and pick up right where you left off. I have a friend like that, let’s call her Anne. Anne and I became friends about 15 years ago, when we worked together. We connected on our love of food, art and trying new restaurants. She introduced me to Pho and the rest was history. I can’t even tell you how many hours were spent over noodles. We would force each other to read books that we would then discuss and take day trips to places we haven’t been. She went through a hard break up, changed jobs and I was there. I got married and she stood by me, when I gave birth to my son she held him at the hospital and we named her godmother. She would spend Christmas Eve with us and was part of our family. Then she re-connected with an old friend that ended up becoming her boyfriend and the next thing I know my best friend was leaving to go live in Portland, Oregon. If you don’t know, that’s 3,086 miles from Boston, I googled it. She sold her house, packed her whole life into a huge moving box, got in her car along with her cat and followed her heart. It’s been about 6 years since she left, I miss her terribly. Sometimes I drive by her old house just to be nosy to see if the new owners changed anything. Frequent phone calls turned to once in a while. We used to send packages and this past Christmas I sent a card and haven’t heard back. Our lives got in the way, I had my daugher since she’s been gone, she made a new life for herself which is so amazing. I hope she’s happy, but I miss my friend. She would listen to me without judgement, I did the same. I am making a promise that when Covid is behind us I will visit, Anne do you hear me, are you there Anne, Anne? I will visit. I want you to show me the best coffee shops, best stores to get a graphic tee and can’t forget about Pho. Miss you so much friend.
1/3/2022
Back to work after being off for 12 days and all I want to do is go back home and snuggle with my 4 year old daughter. I put away all the Christmas decorations in my office and it looks sad, I watered the plant that i inherited from my friend that got fired a few months back. Once I logged into my computer it felt like I never even had the time off. The 200 unanswered emails, the lack of drive and motivation this place gives me is still here. I promised myself that 2022 was going to be different so I will answer the rest of those emails, create some posts for work. Breakout my new planner for 2022 and start writing down my weekly goals and motivations. I’ll start small, like re-organizing my closet and donating or selling things I no longer wear. Can you keep a secret? My dream would be to live in an RV or a tiny house. I know it sounds crazy with 2 kids but especially now when the world seems like such a scary place it would be amazing to just go. Go to a place that kids can run around free with no masks, I can go to sleep with not worrying about bills or anxiety about my job a place where we can truly spend time as a family. I wish to be the person that stays out in the rain when it’s raining instead of looking for cover, i used to be that girl. Somehow I lost her along the way, I miss her. The free spirit, go with the flow attitude was replaced by lists, planning and stress. I will find her again, she’s still in me. I feel her when I laugh at something my kids did, she’s with me when randomly my husband says lets go for a walk or a drive. Crafting has really been working for me to bring her back. She’s the girl that used to take the pee smelling subway into Cambridge for a watercolor class. I don’t blame my kids or my husband that I lost her, life got in the way. Mental health did a number on me and I am now working on picking up the pieces. It’s something I struggle with everyday but I need to be whole for my family. I need to enjoy moments with them, even on days when it’s hard. Anyone that struggles with mental health will understand how it’s a constant battle that you have internally. Somedays are good, others set you back. Because I am a mom, on the bad days I can’t just take a break the little humans still need me. Truth be told to keep going I need them just as much.
Being off this week from work is making me wonder if I even want to go back. I wish that I worked because I wanted to not because I need to. It doesn’t help that lately I feel like my job has become a dead end and I have no room to grow. I report to the president, wish my paycheck reflected that. The positives about my work, I get to use my creativity for marketing purposes, it’s 5 min from home, my son’s school is basically across the street. I used to be excited to wake up and get dressed to go to work now I drag my feet, hair is always a mess my and I wear the same pants 3 times a week. I feel like I’ve hit the ceiling there and that’s the reason why I no longer feel motivated there. My work also goes unnoticed a lot. I have been there for over 5 years, that’s like 40 years at a normal job. The field that I work in is different to say the least- construction. The people I deal with on daily bases are construction workers with multiple personalities. I’m the 1st face they are when they apply, I’m the one that interviews them, makes the offer and then they all consider me their go to person for just about anything. My check is wrong, I put in vacation request, I have my supervisor, I want benefits, I failed the drug test, my license expired, I need an eye exam, I got hurt, my car broke down- they look at me as their solution for all their problems. It gets mentally exhausting. By the time I come home I do not want to talk to anyone. It’s only Wednesday today and I am dreading going back on Monday. So between now and Monday I have to hit the lottery, fingers crossed. 12/29/21
The KonMari Method- Why I Actually Like Marie’s Method To Tidying
The KonMari MethodThe KonMari Method was based on the book that Marie Kondo wrote- The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. It explains her radical method of decluttering your home. Some of her basic ideas are as follows…
- Get rid of the things that don’t spark joy.
- Get in the mindset so that it lasts forever, and things stay clean.
- Tidy your whole…
How To Raise Responsible Children
How To Raise Responsible Children?“Have I taught my son/daughter to be responsible enough?” If you have children its a question that I know has crossed your mind several times. In a world where online bullying, catfishing, and cruel memes can get out of hand it is more important than ever to teach kids to be responsible as soon as you can. Especially when most two-year-olds can operate a cell…
I know everybody’s experiences are different, but as a farmer, getting undressed is like:
Why are there beans in my pocket?
Oh THAT’S where my wire cutters are
AUGH! TICK!
But where did I put the packet of beans, I need to put these extra beans away
yuk, mud; EW that’s not mud!
How did I cut myself? WHEN did I cut myself?
[bends over to pull socks off, gets stuck and can’t straighten up]
OW
ok, I’m ready for my shower, now.
My husband and son are away at a biking event in New Jersey. My daughter will go after school to a friend’s house for the weekend. I’ve been looking forward to the quiet time for a while now.
So the Eldest cat turned up with a swelling on her face that clearly needs to be looked at right away. We noticed it for the first time yesterday evening, and it’s substantially worse this morning. Soooo I’m heading out to the vet’s office this morning instead of relaxing. This truly doesn’t look good for her. She’s 16 yrs old as of April, and she had a senior health checkup earlier this yr that was excellent. Sometimes animals around the farm do really, really well* and then go downhill bizarrely fast.
* Probably because they get a lot of exercise and a top-notch diet
Well. I set out a bit early to take Eldest Cat to the vet. That was good, because there was a large tree down and the road south of me was completely blocked. Road Dudes were working on it, but not quickly. I had to reverse about a hundred yards to get to a place where I could turn around and find an alternate route. I had quite a wait at the vet’s office, and ended up having to leave kitty there. They’re going to sedate her to get a better look inside her mouth. Best case scenario, it’s just an abscess. Worst case, it’s part of a larger problem, and she’ll have to be put to sleep.
On the way home I tried to swing by the Credit Union to give them a form so my daughter can get a debit card. I had a bad feeling that the grumpy lady who had given me the form yesterday gave me (in all likelyhood deliberately) the wrong form. Aaaaand, yes, she did. The lady I was talking to today was much kinder, but seemed very unsure of herself, and kept trying to talk me into an atm card instead of the debit card. That is NOT what I want. I want a card that she can use to PAY for stuff. She can go out on her own without me or my husband, now - and she needs to be able to get gas, buy snacks, cope with small emergencies, etc! It took an absurd amount of time and two calls to this lady’s supervisor to get the news that we cannot get a debit card for the account my daughter has there, and K will have to be present in order to make the necessary changes. (K was present YESTERDAY when I asked the FIRST lady about this issue! We could have resolved it then!) Anyway, I’m going to have to go back there with her. And see what other roadblocks they can throw up. {{Exasperation!}}
({Worry about cat})
[{ This is not the relaxing day I was hoping for }]
Finally getting my craft mojo back. Who knew it would be hard to craft with a baby and a full time job?
Me, the newest Judge at The Hague: do you understand why you’re here?
The Guy Who Wrote Baby Shark [crying softly, looking around for a sympathetic face, finding none, whispering]: I… yes your honor, I think I do
Baby #1:
Person: Congratulations! How far along are you?!
Me: I am 30 weeks, 4 days, 16 hours and 22 minutes along! Thank you!!
Baby #2:
Person: Congratulations! How far along are you?!
Me: I am… I am in…. I am in the trimester. A trimester. I’m in one of the trimesters?
Happy 34 weeks to my littlest lady. I can’t wait to see your little face but I’m enjoying every minute of your massive kicks and movements babykins.
Post partum depression
Something a lot of mothers endure but are afraid to talk about it. It’s 100% real. I never had it with my girls until I recently had Tallulah. It started out with me being so stingy with her— to the point, I wouldn’t even allow my husband to hold her. I cried just by looking at her because she was growing so fast. I thought at first it was from me breastfeeding because that was also something new to me, specially breastfeeding this long. It’s taking a toll on me mentally and physically and it’s literally draining the life out of me. It’s affecting my children because they can sense and feel that mommy isn’t okay. It’s taking time away from them. I cry daily. I over think every single thing possible and then I question every thing I’m over thinking. I beat myself up to the point, I feel like I’m a failure. I never knew how hard post partum depression can hit and how much it can affect you and that was mostly because I’ve always suffered from depression but since having children, it’s eased up. A lot. — Luckily, I was up front and honest right off the bat when I went to see my OB because I knew I needed help. I need to be a happy momma, for not only myself but for my children too. I’ve become so envious of those that don’t have trouble with breastfeeding (having to supplement), those that get sleep and don’t seem depressed but then I also remember, everyone deals with things differently and just because they aren’t struggling in ways I am, doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling at something. (To those that are, you are not alone).
Being a mother is hard and it’s even harder when you set yourself up to fail by comparing yourself to (what may seem like) “perfect pattys” on social media. We all lose our shit a time or two and that’s okay. We aren’t meant to be perfect. We’re meant to make mistakes but we also learn from those mistakes. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to seek professional help. It’s okay to supplement. It’s okay to breastfeed in public. It’s okay to formula feed. It’s okay to parent differently than the next. — What’s not okay is, shaming mothers who do anything differently than you. What’s not okay is, telling a mother who is suffering from post partum depression, that it’s all in her head and she needs to push through it… (Like we aren’t already trying that.) and lastly, What’s not okay is, comparing yourself to other mothers because no matter how you feed your child, what you choose to bathe your child with, whether you cloth diaper or baby wear— as long as you’re doing your job as a mother and you and baby are healthy, then you’re doing something pretty great.
•
•
PLEASE if any of my fellow mamas suffer from PPD, please don’t hesitate to seek/ask for help. There is nothing wrong with that, I promise. It doesn’t make you a bad mother or person. Message me if you feel comfortable.
And mamas, remember— A bad day does NOT mean a bad life.
