#myself

should I livestream again? Where?

madysonrae:

madysonrae:

✨Just my face, nothing special✨

Sunflowers still grow at night

HELLO LOVELYS’

Replying to my dm’s! So make sure to leave a message for me

I’ve been awake since 4am and tossing and turning all night before that…

Sleep and I have always had a hard time getting along. I adore sleep. The vivid dreams, the horrid nightmares, I love it all. For me however, it’s always been a delicate balance of medication, temperature, pillows, proper positioning, lights (I wear a sleep mask) and sounds (I have a fish tank in my room which has a filter running at all times).

It’s always been hard for me to get up in the mornings. I greatly dislike getting up before I’m ready to wake up naturally, and I love sleeping for as long as possible, which used to be a problem but isn’t as much of one anymore. I feel like sometimes I’m addicted to sleep, always chasing that perfect, restful night, which comes so so rarely…

Feeling Sick

Chronic nausea is something I have suffered from for about 11 years.

When I stopped being able to breathe, about 6 years ago, I was living in an apartment with two roommates. Over time my ability to…. well breathe was compromised so often that I ended up in the emergency room. Thinking I had developed some sort of lung issue or asthma of some sort I went in thinking I would find out and be cured- only to discover that the truth was I was having such intense panic at all times that my body had gone sort of into shock and wasn’t allowing me to breathe without other (usual) physical or emotional symptoms. The other thing they guessed was some sort of chronic heartburn causing me to be nauseous all the time, yet exacerbated by the stress of the panic.

After a while I got the breathing under control, a symptom that still comes in week or month long waves when my stress and anxiety levels reach their peak, but the nausea and heartburn is something that has always truly escaped me. When I started feeling this way I never thought it would go on for so long, yet looking back, obviously it has.

Being ill is never easy. It took me so long to understand how my body was reacting to my moods, emotions, and especially what I ate.

I do believe for myself everything is such a delicate balance- I walk a tightrope of medication, therapy, and diet to try to keep myself from falling off, but I fall often, and often hard.

Today I feel so incredibly sick. The nausea and bodily discomfort is so horribly intense that I will without a doubt have to sit propped up against a wall of pillows to sleep. I’ll have to make sure I stay far away from trigger foods for quite some time, and really put more work into reminding myself that I don’t like to feel this way.

Tomorrow I go back to work, to work on my art, my apprenticeship, and my career.

One like = one “good luck” for my work week

2:00 brunch!

Yogurt, berries, bran and granola with a homegrown toasted tomato sandwich!

I slept super well last night which was nice, I can’t remember the last time I slept that well. The cool breeze through my windows and the smell of damp fall leaves was so comforting it was almost hypnotizing.

I love fall, I love Halloween, I can’t wait for more fall things in my life!

I haven’t been feeling well the past few days.

Barely sleeping, barely eating, general unwellness.

I made this lunch for myself yesterday and didn’t end up touching much of it due to feeling so unwell so that is both yesterday’s lunch and today’s.

Please note this is not a good example of proper eating and this is not a frequent pattern for me, but being honest about food here is important to me. People should be eating everyday and I stand behind that, but illness and sickness will impact that for sure.

I’m no longer counting days, it’s getting weird and confusing and hard but September is Health Goth’s 3rd month.

Today I was sick and running a fever so I consumed a lot of water, as you should when you don’t feel well! I also had a nice fried egg sandwich with ham for breakfast and made some fajita pasta with pork for dinner.

I plan on meal prepping for my upcoming work week tomorrow so stay tuned for that!

Just FYI to my mutuals but also other people here who follow me. I am nonbinary and my pronouns are they/them. I have struggled with this for a long time but now it feels like I am finally coming into my own self.