Today i cracked open this magnum of Valentina : my favourite hot sauce for eggs/ breakfast!

Egg sandwiches are so fucking good, as long as the bread has got some grains in it.

I kept trying to post these lunches from last week but my phone kept shitting the bed!

I had my 5 grain salad every day with a variety of other snacks to keep me going for my whole work day!

I have no idea what I’m going to be eating for work lunch this week but I better figure it out fast!

living a weird life in my weird body with my weird relationship with food

Breakfast of happy siracha eggs, blood orange and some blueberry yogurt

LUNCH! And breakfast, I don’t really eat breakfast on weekdays!

½ cucumber, whole yellow pepper, 3 laughing cow cheese with gluten free rice crackers, raspberries, a banana, a blood Orange, and a banana chocolate chip muffin.

HEALTH GOTH 2020.

I always want to burn everything down and start from the ground up when I feel like I’ve “failed” at something.

We aren’t going to count Health Goth as a failure, but I would like to stop ebbing and flowing between things and stick with this again, like I did in the summer.

Where I am- it’s cold. Like lots of heavy snowfall, colder than the surface of Mars cold. We have BRUTAL winters, it truly is the boreal wastelands, the frigid tundra.

It makes your moods do backflips. The highs of good days can feel so good and the lows of bad days can feel so so bad. The lows last longer too. They linger, like the cold does in the depths of your spine.

All that being said, I am ready to get back on track, ready to feel better again, ready to reclaim Health Goth.

So for everyone who stuck around, forgetting they were following this blog- Hi! I’m back. And for anyone who is just joining my journey- Welcome.

Let’s feel better, together.

⚔️

eggy sandwich with Valentina and an orange! with a side of yogurt, bran, and granola!

a great 1pm breakfast for this thicccccccc goth.

tomorrow I get to tattoo pig skin, which is a HUGE step in my tattoo career!

For anyone who doesn’t know I am a tattoo apprentice and professional body piercer

Tomorrow is going to be a good day, right ?

I’m back!

It’s been a few weeks, and I’ve fallen off the wagon (again, big surprise!) but here I am, worming my way back to feeling less like shit- or at least that’s the goal.

I have been eating pretty well. It hasn’t been all fried chicken and fast food - there has been a lot of bubble tea though. That’s my weakness right now, bubble tea .

I’ve been packing lunches that have been healthy, lots of veggies and hummus, but now I’m going to put my attention back into this blog.

Today I’m boiling a chicken carcass to make chicken soup for the week. I have a vegetable mix that I’m going to add, if I remember I will take more progress photos.

happy halloween week all my beautiful little pumpkins. I had this pierrot bodysuit/bunnysuit custom made for the occasion!

I treasure Halloween and take it very seriously, however this was the first year I had a costume custom designed and tailor made for my body- and I have to say I’ve truly never felt better.

Last year i created a pumpkin poncho that covered everything but my legs, this year I wore a skin tight, curve hugging garment. Talk about a Halloween glow up !

Work lunch of cucumbers, strawberries, rice crackers, banana, cheese, olives, and leftover farmer sausage.

Featuring my critters hopping around as I try to take my photos they were too cute to crop out!

I’ve been physically ill for the past week but I feel like I may be starting to feel a bit better, slowly but surely. Today I am apprenticing so hopefully everything goes well!

yogurt with granola and bran and a leftover turkey sandwich.

my life has been weirdly chaotic, my BPD has been a rollercoaster.

I’m sorry for being absent

I did end up ordering myself some lunch yesterday- Vietnamese vermicelli bowl with BBQ pork. I did really enjoy this, I didn’t feel ill after eating it and the sauce was enjoyable. The only heavy part of this meal was the meat.

I wish they had a vegetarian or at least a tofu option. I am not a vegetarian, however meatless meals are a preference of mine 90% of the time. I find meals without meat are much more gentle on my guts and digestion!

All Goth no Health

I didn’t get the opportunity to grocery shop this week so this is what my meal looks like- everything I had hanging around the house that was on the go edible.

Yogurt and bran, cinnamon toast crunch and oat milk, and a Reese’s bat.

Today is going to have quite a bit of sugar, I think I’ll likely order something else to have today, perhaps a smoothie or salad!

small flatbread wraps with lettuce, cheese and turkey pastrami for lunch with some peppers, Turkish apricots, yogurt and granola.

Today’s lunch was a good one but reminded me how much I really don’t love wraps or sandwiches unless they’re Donair

I got this yogurt in the states this weekend, I’m not used to weird American food flavours but I enjoyed this one!

I’ve been awake since 4am and tossing and turning all night before that…

Sleep and I have always had a hard time getting along. I adore sleep. The vivid dreams, the horrid nightmares, I love it all. For me however, it’s always been a delicate balance of medication, temperature, pillows, proper positioning, lights (I wear a sleep mask) and sounds (I have a fish tank in my room which has a filter running at all times).

It’s always been hard for me to get up in the mornings. I greatly dislike getting up before I’m ready to wake up naturally, and I love sleeping for as long as possible, which used to be a problem but isn’t as much of one anymore. I feel like sometimes I’m addicted to sleep, always chasing that perfect, restful night, which comes so so rarely…

recent meals I forgot to post!

Monday I wasn’t feeling the greatest emotionally so I decided to slip into something comfortable and easy to prepare, which ended up being chicken noodle soup ( yes the Liptons kind from a package, we all have our weird food loves ) and two small grilled cheese sandwiches. I enjoyed this meal and it ended up being the only thing I ate Monday, I really truly was so emotionally checked out that this was all I could handle.

The other forgotten meal is actually last Friday’s lunch!

Feeling Sick

Chronic nausea is something I have suffered from for about 11 years.

When I stopped being able to breathe, about 6 years ago, I was living in an apartment with two roommates. Over time my ability to…. well breathe was compromised so often that I ended up in the emergency room. Thinking I had developed some sort of lung issue or asthma of some sort I went in thinking I would find out and be cured- only to discover that the truth was I was having such intense panic at all times that my body had gone sort of into shock and wasn’t allowing me to breathe without other (usual) physical or emotional symptoms. The other thing they guessed was some sort of chronic heartburn causing me to be nauseous all the time, yet exacerbated by the stress of the panic.

After a while I got the breathing under control, a symptom that still comes in week or month long waves when my stress and anxiety levels reach their peak, but the nausea and heartburn is something that has always truly escaped me. When I started feeling this way I never thought it would go on for so long, yet looking back, obviously it has.

Being ill is never easy. It took me so long to understand how my body was reacting to my moods, emotions, and especially what I ate.

I do believe for myself everything is such a delicate balance- I walk a tightrope of medication, therapy, and diet to try to keep myself from falling off, but I fall often, and often hard.

Today I feel so incredibly sick. The nausea and bodily discomfort is so horribly intense that I will without a doubt have to sit propped up against a wall of pillows to sleep. I’ll have to make sure I stay far away from trigger foods for quite some time, and really put more work into reminding myself that I don’t like to feel this way.

Tomorrow I go back to work, to work on my art, my apprenticeship, and my career.

One like = one “good luck” for my work week

2:00 brunch!

Yogurt, berries, bran and granola with a homegrown toasted tomato sandwich!

I slept super well last night which was nice, I can’t remember the last time I slept that well. The cool breeze through my windows and the smell of damp fall leaves was so comforting it was almost hypnotizing.

I love fall, I love Halloween, I can’t wait for more fall things in my life!

On weightloss

That was never my goal. It currently isn’t my goal. I am a fat woman, and I am working on suppressing own internalized fatphobia, overcoming it, and becoming someone with more of a capacity for self love over all.

The goals of this blog are:

• work on self love, body love, destroying my own fatphobia and loving myself, as myself, without implementing weight loss as a goal.
• feel better physically. have more energy and combat my GERD/IBS symptoms at the start as opposed to finding solutions to work through them once they’ve already started.
• Eat better = Feel better.
• share food pics, put more work into my meals, and be proud of the progress I’ve made.
• become the girl Pete Steele sang songs about.

Men keep telling me I “look good” because I’ve lost weight. I keep telling men I don’t feel good, but that isn’t as important to society as looking slimmer.

The only woman to pay me this compliment was my grandmother, who is in her late 80’s and still has extremely disordered eating (60+ years of anorexia and conditioning from my grandfather will do that to someone) - so hearing that from her, I know she meant well, but it still bothers me that telling someone they’ve lost weight is seemingly the highest compliment someone can recieve.

What are your opinions on self love? body love? fat acceptance?