I wish I could kill my brain and just be in your arms forever. I’m so sorry I can’t turn off the bad parts of my mind and just exist with you. Im so tired of overthinking everything.

Beverly Crusher understands the frustration and stress of OCD. Dealing with OCD can be very overwhelming, and having to do things like check things over and over can be difficult. It can be a stressful existence. Remember that you are a strong person for dealing with all of this, and she believes in you. :)

How are people with OCD handling the COVID-19 Pandemic?

forHealthline

It’s impossible to watch the news, listen to the radio, or be online without encountering various public service announcements about the importance of “hand hygiene” (regular handwashing for at least 20 seconds).

These are well-intentioned and important reminders, but for some people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) — particularly those who have “contamination OCD” — it can…

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I am a fifty one year old black man who grew up in project housing units of Cincinnati Ohio, which were stricken with poverty and high crime. I evolved from a dysfunctional family setting. My mother was a single parent to me and my older sister and was labeled throughout the neighborhood as being a “Tom Boy.” I inherited a brainiac trait from my mother and excelled in my education during my childhood years. Peer pressure and being lured into a fornicating setting before i reached puberty by both sexes (i am currently heterosexual), caused me to develope a mental deficiency and become diagnosed by a state psychiatrist with having Borderline Personality Disorder. My brilliancy, being a black minority, and level of society i am currently in has caused me to be outcasted.

I’m someone that has an auditory processing learning disability as well as a speech disorder that couldn’t keep up with kids in kindergarten so I had to retake kindergarten. From that point on at times, I said things that were socially inappropriate but at the same time I was kind enough to make friends whether it be at school or on a little league field. In my elementary years, I was very outgoing hanging out with groups of friends, going up to boys at the beach to play running bases or wiffle ball. But by the time 6th grade rolled around I met a girl named Juliana who I had a crush on and I asked her out, she said she was dating someone already. So I asked her if we could be BFFs on Valentine’s Day, I know weird move but she said yes. 

We were “BFFs”, but people kept telling me that “she’s using you’ and at the time I brushed it off saying they were crazy. But then I realize that they were right because she always accused me of staring at her as well as never asking me to hang out other than her birthday party. The next year I made another dumb move by getting her cell phone number from someone else and I texted her nonstop which eventually bothered her. Then on Valentine’s Day I texted her and asked if she liked the love letter I gave her and she said yes but she said she only wants to be friends. That got me upset and I kept texting her she told me to leave her alone but she told my guidance counselor that she wants to be friends. But at gym class she said no, and then my guidance counselor reassured me that she wants to be friends, then Juliana said no. Then a few weeks later, she accused me of something I didn’t do which was telling someone that I was going out with her. A couple of weeks later I texted her for her birthday and she got upset which led to her crying to her parents which resulted in me deleting the number. I left her alone until the next school year where she got over what happened and I asked her if we can be friends. She wanted to but her parents said no. Then a special moment came when my now crush named Nicole was sympathetic towards me and told me if I needed anything to let her know. I also said things that were socially inappropriate and I thought people were spreading rumors about me. Later on, I was considering suicide because I couldn’t be friends with her anymore and I told my mom and psychologist that. My psychologist referred me to a psychiatrist and he was very helpful towards me. I was playing baseball a lot which really took my mind off of that. My dad also prevented me from doing that because he told me that God gave you a gift to live and to not throw his gift away which really changed my mind about it. But after one game, I remember having an intrusive thought of killing a guy on the sidewalk. I had an image in my mind of shooting him. It wasn’t really an issue at the time but I think because I was taking two high school level classes that added up my anxiety which could’ve led to the thoughts. It wasn’t as serious as it was the next year where I had to take three standardized tests at the end of the year. I was really focusing on Geometry because I was failing in it but I ended up failing the standardized test I needed at the end of the year which was U.S. History. That’s when the thoughts really took off where one day I was at my cousin’s house and my grandmother who I love so much walked through the door, I had another intrusive thought of shooting her in the head. Then I kept having them when I saw her and I had a lot of guilt to the point where I wanted to kill myself again. This led to me being on medication which really helped. My psychologist thought of a brilliant idea of imaging Sponge Bob when the thoughts came because the gun shot would be absorbed so Sponge Bob would be protecting the people I had intrusive thoughts of. I now understand that thoughts are just thoughts and not to take them seriously. What helped me overcome this was exercise, running and playing baseball. I also recommend reading positive quotes as well as reading from the Bible where there are so many comforting words that will help with anxiety and depression.

My name is Katie K. and I am a young adult student living in North Carolina. I have been diagnosed with everything under the sun and put on every medication you can think of. However, I always knew I was “different.” Most kids were interested in soccer or cheerleading. I was focused on germs and my thoughts. Other children were outside their head and I was stuck inside mine. As I reached puberty my obsessions grew worse but I didn’t have a name for them. I knew they were beginning to affect my every day life and also those around me. That is when I went to my pediatrician. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and put on medication. After later researching OCD it was no surprise I was diagnosed with it. I would always feel as though my mind was against me. I would wonder if my mind was ever going to be on my side again? Along with the obsessions came the compulsions. Along with the compulsions, the depression and anxiety. Then the self harm. It was a never ending cycle of doom. Obviously my medication wasn’t working so I switched from a pediatrician to a pediatric psychiatrist. She changed my med cocktail and gave me some reassurance that these mental disorders could be treated. She also suggested I see a therapist and try attending a support group. I thought she was crazy but I wanted to get better so I was willing to try anything. I found NAMI and quickly became a member. After trying her suggestions, and some trial and error, my OCD was in remission. I worked hard in therapy and opened myself up to the process. I de-stigmatized the idea of support groups and actually learned a lot as well as met others who “got it.” Also, I stuck with the medicine and gave it a chance to work. Which for me was about a month. After all that progress, I was in pretty good shape. Not to say that I did not still struggle with behavioral health issues or would not need my meds, therapy and peer support, but I achieved something. My extremely hard work paid off. And it was extremely hard. I had to learn to say no to my compulsions and use my many new coping skills, I had to learn to set boundaries, I had to learn to take my medication regularly even when I felt fine, I had to learn to delve deep into my mind during therapy, I had to learn to trust others, and most importantly I had to learn to trust myself. At times I was struggling so badly that I did not want to live. I could not find a reason to. Today, I have hope. I have faith. Over the years I have continued to struggle and have even been admitted to several residential and outpatient treatment centers. At my lowest, I have even resorted to substance use. However, through determination and faith I have never stopped fighting, Now, I use many of NAMI’s resources to supplement my mental health and substance use recovery and I am actually looking into attending a training to help others who were where I was. My journey will not always be easy but it will be worth it. I am no longer ashamed of who I am.

I could not believe this was my story but here I was a single mom with two kids battling postpartum depression and postpartum OCD. Not uncommon by any means yet, I felt so alone and invisible and clueless and anxious and scared. What was going on why were these thoughts running through my head and how could I make them stop. My answer was my faith, though I did not get healed for some time after I know that healing is possible. My story has taken a turn for the better and those two beautiful babies I had then are now smart strong healthy teenagers. My story is my own and I know there is no shame in it,  waste nothing and use your story too just keep on going. Hold on the light is coming and relief and happiness can be yours! 

Why I Love Entrapta

Content: OCD, Eating disorders, disordered eating, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I’m putting a cosplay together for Entrapta because I FELL IN LOVE WITH HER LIKE RIGHT AWAY. I love her voice and obv I love that she’s purple Peridot, but her trait of only eating tiny food really caught me.

Her thing with tiny food seems more than just a joke or an aside. It comes off to me as a symptom of a neurological condition, which is something I personally relate to.

I was diagnosed with OCD during childhood and much of my symptoms had to do with food. For example, whenever I ate anything like trix or m&m’s I had to organize them by color and eat each color in a specific order every time. I would also memorize arbitrary sequences of food, like menus or catalogues.

Entrapta has a relationship with food that I really haven’t seen in media. I’ve seen other eating disorders portrayed, but none like this in a kid’s cartoon. It’s an abnormal trait of her’s and the way it’s presented seems genuine to me and not like it was included just to be funny.

I’ve seen people with many different neurological abilities relate to Entrapta and I think that’s really cool. Not sure if the creator had a particular condition in mind but she’s a refreshing character for lots of us.

Doodle by me because I’m trash

Wheres the line?

Here’s the situation. It’s very difficult for me to keep track of things. What kind of things? All. I have no idea where my credit card is but no one’s charged anything on it so its clearly in my house abyss. I have 2.5 pairs of airpods (because I lose a pair, buy new ones, lose them again) but at the moment can only find solo left airpod. I have a doctors appt some time this week, either Wednesday or Thursday. It’s on them to send me a text reminder or five if I’m actually expected to show up.

It’s annoying for me and everyone who must witness me scramble around looking for all of my life possessions multiple times a day. Im really, really aware of this so, after thirty years of drowning in my own happy tornado, and accepting that I have ADHD, I am going to fix it. Fix what? All. It started with the basics. Get a wallet. Put the credit card and license in the wallet and never ever take them out. I know I want to run in to CVS and only bring my card because a wallet is sooo cumbersome (and what if I lose it?) but we cannot separate cards from wallet. It’s the buddy system. THEN, we have big brother: the purse. Purse drives me insane. It’s small, cross body, but it’s always swinging everywhere and whacking into racks of baked goods at Wegmans (Wegmans <3). But purse is the enforcer. Cards go in wallet. Wallet goes in purse. Purse stays clasped and, like wallet, we never take anything out of purse. …. and it’s SO HARD. Continuous, genuine effort put into these three tasks that are ingrained/innate in others.

SO ANYWAY, example aside, here’s another example. I have bought an agenda. A place where I can write everything down and therefore be able to take over the world. A paper personal assistant (PPA). Great idea! Life problem solved! Except how I came about said agenda.

It had been on my mind for a while that I needed a PPA but it’s such a pressure filled ask and I’d been avoiding it. Selecting a PPA is an OCD decathlon. Are the colors right? How do the pages feel? This one with the flowers is - GOING TO GIVE ME CANCER. Dangit, ok, Not the flowers. How about this one with stripes? Nice blue tones. But blue represents sadness so if I buy this one I’ll be sad all of next year. So we converse and argue and ruminate and while I love paper products and Im excited about the potential of PPA to tame all the “dont forget you have an appt somewhere at sometime soonish” flying around my head, the entire process sounds exhausting. A few weeks ago I’m standing in the Barnes and Noble line (shop local! Do as I say not as I do) and there, perfectly placed by their marketing peeps, is a stand of planners. Colors, shapes, bindings. It’s already March. I need an agenda for this year. Pick one. We can do it. In the middle there’s an 8x12 ish, spiral bound. It’s covered in a repeating pattern of blue terries, except one, who is orange. And theyre so happy and cute. My brain is like BLAH DEATH BLAH but like, shut up? Real me wants this agenda. The secret messages are OCD. We know this. So I bought it. Way to go self!

Then I got it home. And I kind of open it a few times, pretend to be happy - show it to everyone who reaffirms to me it’s quite lovely. And then I sat it in my office, and never touched it again. Because death. And bad. I bought the planner I wanted and while I know OCD thoughts arent real and neither a specific agenda nor my choices about it control the future, it makes me uncomfortable. What will happen to the stuff I write in it? Will the phone call go badly? What if I write down something for my son? Will the curse spread to him? Or if I scribble notes about a project I’m working on it, does that lead to doom? I just dont want to deal with it. Why invite all that into my head and then allow it to spread onto the event itself. So its mid March and I dont have an agenda. Perhaps not a surprise for anyone but guys I’m trying. Last week, at Target, I saw a smaller, simpler planner. It’s floral but feels safe, standard. I bought it, it’s in my bedroom (so as not to be contaminated by other PPA in the office).

But, is that allowed? Where’s the line in the fight against OCD? I’ve told myself I need to go against every thought. I should use the scary PPA and deal with the anxiety (that I will carry over in to said phone calls and appointments) because that’s how we stop OCD monster from growing. But sometimes, I want to take the easy route. The safe agenda. Is that a failure? Can there be a grey area where we compromise? The jury is out.

And this, folks, is why I might miss my doctors appointment on Wednesday or Thursday.

If you read about anxiety or mental health, you’ll sometimes see the sentence “you are not your thoughts.” I find it so so helpful. I am me, and my thoughts are output from my brain. Additionally, just because Ive “produced them” doesn’t mean they are true. The gruesome mental image I had of my car smashed into the guard rail? Brain output. A persistent gut feeling that my husband is currently dying of an undetected disease? Brain output.

So if you think of yourself as a house, brain output is all the stuff going on in the front yard. Squirrels in the trees, some guy with his dog, the weather, a grocery bag in the gutter. It’s on your property but its separate. You choose what you let into your house.

Ive discovered the world’s best OCD hack. It starts with creating a new OCD rule: As long as I go against ALL of obsessions today, then NONE of the terrible consequences are true. Yes I ate potato chips even though they cause cancer and yes I watched an episode of This Is Us even though it would kill my son and yup I even wore the purple socks even though (surprise!) more cancer. But it’s because I didn’t give in to any of them that I’m safe and all of the scary stuff is negated. 

But, say that when I heard my brain tell me the “truth” about purple socks I had then, out of fear, worn different socks…well, then, GOOD JOB, I’ve just unleashed the wrath of the potato chips and This Is Us. It’s an all or nothing situation and a good motivator to keep turning my cheek to OCD, to keep pushing through the discomfort and anxiety. 

Totally aware the entire crux of this is irrational and based in flawed OCD tinged thinking but I’ve never had issue with that before, why start now :) 

There is a reason I live on Reddit

Approximately forever ago, I had a passing obsession with the podcast Serial. And not obsession like I was obsessed with it, but obsession like OCD obsession. Serial was super popular and everyone was talking about it and I was really excited to listen to it and hop on the bandwagon so of course my brain was like- but wait!!! Listening to Serial will cause (something too terrible to even think about). And me, being an obedient, cowardly OCD-er, nodded fervently. And I never listened to Serial. 

Just recently I’ve gotten back in the swing of podcasts and Serial is now on its third season. I love love love This American Life which is made by the same people so I was like oh fun! and started Serial all the way from the beginning- episode one, season one. About five minutes in, I got this feeling. THE feeling. Your neck tightens and your stomach gets all churny and your head hurts in a way that probably, definitely, indicates you just sprouted some sort of tumor. And I remembered the obsession from approximately forever ago. The one that said listening to Serial would cause (something too terrible to think about). It’s been years and years since I had this thought, since I obeyed my mind and didn’t listen to the podcast that all my friends and all of the world was talking about. But the thing is, I can’t remember the consequence I assigned to it. My brain usually chooses from a pretty predictable list: you’ll get cancer, you’ll die in a terrible way, your husband will die in a terrible way. So, I’m relatively sure I would have picked one of those as the outcome of me indulging in the podcast. 

But does that consequence still apply this many years later? If I can’t even remember what bad thing my brain said would happen is it still true? (of course it wasn’t true in the first place but YOU NEVER KNOW). 

Mostly because I really really wanted to listen to it, I decided that there’s some sort of statute of limitations. I can’t remember when I made the rule about Serial, I can’t remember what it was. So, water under the bridge, right? When I’m listening to an episode, I’m very on edge, very prone to listing out rules and consequences and restricting myself. Dont sit there, dont eat that. It’s like my brain’s in overdrive. It knows there’s something fishy going on and is trying to protect me but it cant get its compass to work so it’s just spinning around, making up things on the fly. But I can deal with it. And I highly recommend Serial. #Adnanisinnocent

Here’s the trailer for Do No Harm, a thriller which premieres at the Aesthetica Short Film Festival 2020, in November.

“Leading scientist, Dr Beth Anderson, breaks into a high security facility in the dead of night. Why is she there? Is she a thief? A terrorist? A threat to national security? None of the above. Risking her career rather than admit the truth that she has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and overwhelmed by a fear of causing harm to others, she has been compelled into her most critical mission yet - to steal an out of date sandwich, in order to save a pregnant colleague from eating it. Just as Beth is about to lose everything, she finds connection and understanding from an unlikely source.”

Sharon Rooney stars alongside Claudie Blakley and Alison O'Donnell. She plays Shauna, a security guard.

Do No Harm is directed by Douglas King, with an original score by Alexandra Hamilton-Ayres. Screenplay by Rosy Barnes.