We play most of our games  
in June. Feet pressed against
the edges of a salt slot canyon, corn hole,
teasing amber smoke across the wet ground
of a 1 am rain storm when the sky forgets
the concept of loyalty. It calls me on the glance.
 
Says don’t be afraid of seeing me split.
Our first time, I was afraid to open my eyes
fully and I think he was too.
The moving body often wants to dig
through space without knowing its confines.

Light cracks bruised apricot 
once the eyes unlatch, 
unfasten upon human lines.
To understand that we are whole
is a bedroom illusion that shakes 
only within a salt slanted ceiling. 

This is a city of geographical 
boundaries—ash hazel mountains
and snow tops that withhold melting,
beg stay in a voice that reminds
me of my first boyfriend and why
it took so long for me to leave him
even though I knew of the time. 

Moss is flowerless because it lacks
desire, doesn’t want to be held 
to anything. Yet, roots are the derivations 
of all wanting, the string 
with which we can’t help but hold 
ourselves to another: fingers, smoke, 
sex, home, the light purple
of a bruised back bone.

In this binding, there is a constant reproduction
of a capsule of apricot light
by which I mean to say
that despite the rules of botany,
and how low and green the carpet, 
I loved him before
I wanted him and I wish
I had told him then,
before the summer untangled its moss
wrist, opened and begged: look away,
I’m splitting.

bpd4bpd:

couldn’t sleep and made mood charts

A little variation of the dbt mood diary card except you’re not pressured to jot your moods by the hour

Better than your DBT mood diary — Over the Borderline

shoelaces #61

dickssociation:

vacillating-bpd-queen:

dickssociation:

I’ve received a few questions about splitting & decided to make a post answering them!

Here u go:

What is splitting?

Splitting is a borderline reaction to something scary that results in deeming something or someone entirely bad or evil.

What causes splitting?

By “scary”, I mean something that threatens an idealization. For example, if someone I idealize as entirely safe, good, perfect, says something that hurts or disgusts me, they have betrayed the concept I have constructed of them, and I now see them as the diametric opposite.

Is splitting permanent?

No, not necessarily.

If given a reason to reverse the split, for example the same person goes out of their way to provide care or affection, the split may be reversed. If not, the split will likely fester and swell, cementing as a permanent hatred. Some splits are too deep to reasonably repair.

Can you split on things as well as people?

Yes.

While borderlines invest our most powerful emotions in people and interpersonal relationships, splitting on non-people is also possible. For example, if I am excited for a new job, then something goes wrong or is too challenging, I can go from loving to hating the experience almost instantaneously. If a city seems inviting and interesting at first, then a negative quality is revealed, I can go from loving where I am to hating where I am. If I develop an emotional attachment to an object, then the object is spoken about with hatred by a person I respect, I will often discard the object entirely.

Do borderlines need to act upon a split?

Of course not.

DBT is the overall most effective therapy for personality disorders, and one of its core lessons is the detachment of emotion from reaction. Self-control is difficult, but crucial. It is the greatest power you can develop against your disorder.

How does it feel to split?

For me, splitting is a panicked rush of betrayal that leads into feelings of hurt, anger, and revulsion. Splitting makes me incredibly upset, and often leads to panic attacks.

What are your personal experiences with splitting?

I split on my boyfriend almost every day, if not multiple times a day. I have never consistently argued with anyone except for him, probably because he is the most aggressive person I have ever allowed into my life. Every split is quickly reversed, which only exacerbates the stress and confusion. I’m really not sure if it’s getting any easier, but I’ve decided that this relationship is worth it.

I recently moved to a new city and reconnected with a friend who lives nearby. I was so happy to be physically close to them, since we had been emotionally close for so long, and I ended up spending a lot of time with them, expecting a best-friendship. However, my boyfriend didn’t like some of their behaviors, and even though he says he does like them, several angry tirades about some behavior at our house have caused me to split on them. I want to cut them off entirely, because now I can’t think of them beyond those negative words, but I’ll control myself and let it fizzle out politely. It honestly sucks, since I WANT to keep liking them so badly, and their behavior didn’t even bother me personally.

One of my worst fears is that someone I care about could split on me,because I know just how deep that hatred runs.

This is one of the best posts on splitting I’ve seen

Looking back on old posts now & this one, in retrospect, needs some edits. The last answer in particular makes me really sad since I now view that year-and-a-half relationship as the one that did the most damage to me.

All feelings serve a purpose and indicate a need that is either being met or unmet. Please don’t overlook or dismiss them. It takes a long time to unlearn the conditioning that feelings are silly or useless or irrational, but please try. Even if your reaction doesn’t neccessarily match the situation, even if your resulting behaviours are unjustified, the emotion is coming from a real place and it is crucial to explore what that is.

Splitting is essentially a mechanism of emotion, and therefore needs to be validated. It’s a coping mechanism hardwired into our brains to protect us, whether in theory or practice.

Splitting on anyone in your life every day cannot function as a part of any healthy relationship. If your triggers are being activated repeatedly, it’s your responsibility to clearly communicate your boundaries. If those boundaries are then intentionally or negligently violated repeatedly, if those triggers continue to be activated, that is emotional abuse. Please get out. Patience is important, self-discipline is important, tolerance and acceptance are important, but none of those skills can be practiced when you’re in a constant state of agitation caused by someone else’s lack of consideration.

I wish I had validated the emotions behind my splitting further and analyzed what was happening to me instead of writing them off purely as a counterproductive products of mental illness. If I had seen my constant splits as red flags, I could’ve saved myself nearly two years of hell and all the time spent healing from it.

vacillating-bpd-queen:

dickssociation:

I’ve received a few questions about splitting & decided to make a post answering them!

Here u go:

What is splitting?

Splitting is a borderline reaction to something scary that results in deeming something or someone entirely bad or evil.

What causes splitting?

By “scary”, I mean something that threatens an idealization. For example, if someone I idealize as entirely safe, good, perfect, says something that hurts or disgusts me, they have betrayed the concept I have constructed of them, and I now see them as the diametric opposite.

Is splitting permanent?

No, not necessarily.

If given a reason to reverse the split, for example the same person goes out of their way to provide care or affection, the split may be reversed. If not, the split will likely fester and swell, cementing as a permanent hatred. Some splits are too deep to reasonably repair.

Can you split on things as well as people?

Yes.

While borderlines invest our most powerful emotions in people and interpersonal relationships, splitting on non-people is also possible. For example, if I am excited for a new job, then something goes wrong or is too challenging, I can go from loving to hating the experience almost instantaneously. If a city seems inviting and interesting at first, then a negative quality is revealed, I can go from loving where I am to hating where I am. If I develop an emotional attachment to an object, then the object is spoken about with hatred by a person I respect, I will often discard the object entirely.

Do borderlines need to act upon a split?

Of course not.

DBT is the overall most effective therapy for personality disorders, and one of its core lessons is the detachment of emotion from reaction. Self-control is difficult, but crucial. It is the greatest power you can develop against your disorder.

How does it feel to split?

For me, splitting is a panicked rush of betrayal that leads into feelings of hurt, anger, and revulsion. Splitting makes me incredibly upset, and often leads to panic attacks.

What are your personal experiences with splitting?

I split on my boyfriend almost every day, if not multiple times a day. I have never consistently argued with anyone except for him, probably because he is the most aggressive person I have ever allowed into my life. Every split is quickly reversed, which only exacerbates the stress and confusion. I’m really not sure if it’s getting any easier, but I’ve decided that this relationship is worth it.

I recently moved to a new city and reconnected with a friend who lives nearby. I was so happy to be physically close to them, since we had been emotionally close for so long, and I ended up spending a lot of time with them, expecting a best-friendship. However, my boyfriend didn’t like some of their behaviors, and even though he says he does like them, several angry tirades about some behavior at our house have caused me to split on them. I want to cut them off entirely, because now I can’t think of them beyond those negative words, but I’ll control myself and let it fizzle out politely. It honestly sucks, since I WANT to keep liking them so badly, and their behavior didn’t even bother me personally.

One of my worst fears is that someone I care about could split on me,because I know just how deep that hatred runs.

This is one of the best posts on splitting I’ve seen

I keep doing bad stuff to myself for his attention I’m just getting worse and I’m gonna push him away but I can’t stop.

Wow it’s like the universe wants me to kill myself

I’m starting to question if I’ve ever actually felt any emotions

Concept: I can accept and understand my partner doesn’t always have time to talk. I understand that they’re busy and I can stay grounded to avoid splitting when they’re busy

concept: i dont split on close friends whenever they show even a slight sign of rejection

That gr8 nd feel when, even though you only have four in-class classes and the other five are distance/satellite courses, you still feel the need to drop them all and run because it is Too Much but it’s your graduating year so you can’t. And your entire self-worth was built upon being able to graduate a year early, and you’ve already been accepted to the university, but you missed two answers on the last 16-question “quiz” so your grade dropped 6% and you just. Suffer. And have a full on meltdown/burnout episode, including splitting on yourself so hard you not only completely devalue yourself, but become actively suicidal and hope to your Gods they take pity and fucking end your joke of a life already.

living with bpd is a lot like having a cat in your brain