Being the “Black Sheep” in the family, this reminds me so much of my family. I’ve been dealing with colorism in my family for some time. Why is that?! I wish I knew the answer. What I do know is that even though they talk hella shit about me, they secretly want my life. How is it that you can bully me, criticize me, body shame and bash me, yet get upset when I choose not to spend time with you?! Please tell me, how does that make any sense!? Our families, I’ve learned that they can be our first bullies in our lives. And when you point it out to them, to them it is “tough love”. That’s not tough love. Let’s be real about what it truly is! It is manipulation, narcissism, jealousy, insecurity and straight out hate that people project onto you because they aren’t happy. I’ve been reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The second agreement is to not take things personally because the person who is doing all the negative things is projecting their true feelings towards you. I let what someone says go into one ear and out the other a lot. I refuse to get myself hurt because of others actions, words and energy. Their pain has nothing to do with me. I love my family but I can admit I don’t like a lot of them. I set healthy and safe boundaries to protect myself. I don’t know who this may resonate with. I hope you know that you are great the way you are. Just because your family may treat you in a certain manner, doesn’t mean you are suppose to be ok with it. Set boundaries and if that me separating yourself for a while, then please do so! Please know that You Matter! Keep fighting!

Ana ♿

My life feels very heavy as we speak. I just went through a hyper mania episode about a week ago. I now feel the blows of depression and anxiety hit me now. I feel horrible once I realize what I have done during the time of being in the hyper mania state. With my health constantly changing, it totally can affect the brain and mental health. I’m still having issues with my feeding tube, which is beyond my control. I wanna control everything. It isn’t place to do so. I know it is dark right now, but I hope to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel really soon. Keep fighting!

Ana ♿

Mood

Ana ♿

I feel so alone when it comes to having EDS. I miss my old life so much. I truly want to be happy again. I’m working hard to figure out what makes me happy as well as how to be happy again. It is a feeling that is foreign to me right now. I honestly can’t recall the last time I have felt truly and pure happiness! I wonder will I ever get that feeling again… The not so great days, fucks with my mental health a lot. My body is doing things that are beyond my control. I just wish for one day of no pain and just a day of pure bliss… I long for it actually. Chasing a feeling that I would do whatever to feel again… Hopefully one day, happiness will find me again. Keep fighting!

Ana ♿

Finally, I’m Over You.

It no longer hurts when I think about you. You no longer take any space in my mind or in my heart. I thought those two months meant more than what it truly was. It was a passing infatuation. And that’s okay. You helped me with something so important. You helped me move on from my ex fiance. I thank you for that. Now I’m no longer haunted by the thoughts and memories of either of you. I miss no man anymore. I’m free from you. Free from him. I thought it would take longer to get over you because you impacted me in such a huge way but 3 months was long enough. I don’t need you nor do will I ever want you again. You really missed out on something beautiful. Because when I love, I love hard. I love with every fiber of my being. It’s okay. Someone deserving of that kind of love will come along and appreciate what you threw away.

So well, I’m manic as fuck yet again. I’m doing drugs like crazy. Basically made a porno with another girl for my onlyfans. I haven’t had “sex,sex” with anyone though. Still not interested. Nor am I interested in men still. But I’m being stupid. I need to tell my psychiatrist this. This is crazy how bad my manic episode’s are getting. I haven’t been this bad since I was 17. 10 years. I’m out of control these days. I need help so bad.

Thinking Clearly

So I’m more balanced. Thinking clearly. In no way do I want to be intimate or sexual with a man. I’m so uninterested. I haven’t even been flirting with a single guy. This is new. I’m usually always talking to atleast one person. I’m just happy I didn’t just go sleep with random guys or hop into another relationship like I normally do. I’m just completely over it right now. And although I miss my ex. I’m starting to get over him too. I don’t think about him all the time anymore. I don’t listen to his music every day anymore. I don’t text him. I see his posts on Instagram and yes those moments it gets to me. But I tell myself that he doesn’t love me. He’s not thinking about me. He doesn’t miss me. This doesn’t hurt him. He’s moved on. And it helps me. I’ll get over him. And hopefully I keep this disinterest in dating and men for a while. I want to stay single. Live for me. Make money for me. Living for other people has gotten old. I need to focus on me because I can make good things happen for myself if u just try harder.

Leveling out.

I think I’m starting to come down from my manic episode finally. I started taking more of my mood stabilizer than in prescribed. I’m at basically the lowest dose. I think it’s leveling me out. I’m still hypomanic but nothing is uncontrollable anymore. I’m no longer being reckless and incredibly impulsive. Well, not to the extent that I was at. It was scary how out of control I was. I was ready to commit myself. I’m still going out almost every night, having a drink. But I’m not hooking up with anyone, doing drugs or going to anyone’s house and staying the night. So there’s that. I just hope this doesn’t mean I’m about to hit a depressive episode. That’s what I’m afraid of. If I don’t work I’m fucked. So let’s just hope I level out instead of going from one extreme end of the spectrum to the next.

FUCKKKK!!! Fuck this. Maybe I need to be hospitalized. The decisions I am making lately. I’m fucking up big time. I’m not seeing it until I get really high and am in the situation already. I’m at my best friends. You know. The guy, who is in love with me. Yesterday was valentines day. I worked then spent it with him. Well, I took his virginity last night. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m just going and doing everything that feels good without thinking of consequences. There’s literally no “stop and think”. Just do. I’m spending money I don’t have, buying and doing drugs.. TAKING MY BEST FRIENDS VIRGINITY! I’m so fucking stupid. I think I really need to be hospitalized. Like right now.

Borderline Personality and Splitting Yet Again

Goddamn. Splitting really fucking sucks. I Hella vibe with this guy the other night. Last night we went out to a bar and I was still Viking with him. Took some Molly and I was all over him. But when we got to his house I smoked weed and it intensified the Molly so intensely. In my “clarity moment” I split on him. He was the sexiest thing to me. 6'6, beard, deep voice. Sexy. But when I had my reality check all the affection I was enjoying made me feel absolutely smothered. I didn’t want to touch him, or kiss him. But he’s got aspergers so he didn’t pick up on my social cues. I completely shut down. I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. He kept being lovey dovey and it just made my skin crawl. It’s crazy. Going from one extreme to another. Splitting sucks because he’s a good guy. Not good for me though. I just am no longer interested.

Schizoaffective Borderline and My Clarity Moments

So now that I’ve had my “clarity moments” at this guys house. I’m completely uninterested in him. He’s just a product of my manic episode. And I stayed the night. We didn’t have sex. I just slept. Had to sleep after that horrible trip I had last night. I just need to get to work and get ready and just get on. Distract myself from my problems. Work is a good distraction. I need to focus on that. No fucking guys. Seriously. I just honestly wanted to fuck him. I wasn’t considering a relationship of any type. But still. No sex either. Just stay focused on work. If I’m horny I’ll masturbate. Oh well. No. Guys.

Meeting with a new psychiatrist like

Walking back into group after weeks of ghosting them

“Why did you abruptly stop your medication?”

My psychiatrist finding out I stopped medication, drained my bank account, and moved to Antarctica to raise penguins

When the whole squad manic

When someone asks if you’re okay

Crisis counselor: are you actively suicidal

Me: no but-

Crisis counselor:

Your insurance company when they refuse to cover the price but know you need the medication

When that seasonal depression hits