#my journey
I’m Canadian, and we don’t have Trader Joe’s, so this is a new experience for me, but when I spent the night with Ruby I was introduced to this spice blend in the morning and Woah, I think my life may be changed forever.
This blend is delicious on toast. I had it just on toast with some margarine and I’m truly shocked, I can’t wait to try it on fried eggs and hard boiled eggs!
American followers : what do you like to put this spice blend on?
I’ve been awake since 4am and tossing and turning all night before that…
Sleep and I have always had a hard time getting along. I adore sleep. The vivid dreams, the horrid nightmares, I love it all. For me however, it’s always been a delicate balance of medication, temperature, pillows, proper positioning, lights (I wear a sleep mask) and sounds (I have a fish tank in my room which has a filter running at all times).
It’s always been hard for me to get up in the mornings. I greatly dislike getting up before I’m ready to wake up naturally, and I love sleeping for as long as possible, which used to be a problem but isn’t as much of one anymore. I feel like sometimes I’m addicted to sleep, always chasing that perfect, restful night, which comes so so rarely…
it’s almost the same lunch! but this one is a bit different.
I’m so excited that today is Friday. I’m going to be without my favorite coworker at work today because she’s super sick, which is a bummer, but at least it’s Friday and then I have my weekend to really catch up on some sleep!
what are you looking forward to this weekend?
I’m very into pasta salad these past two weeks, next week I’m going to mix it up and have something else but right now this has been a good lunch.
This one I made with tortellini, with some peppers and strawberries, some matcha alligators from Squish for a little sweet treat, my life’s blood - double bergamot, and a banana.
Yesterday was a really tough day emotionally. I couldn’t find myself invested in anything that went on, and I couldn’t really bring my energy levels up.
Today I’m running our Curse of Strahd D&D campaign for the first time in a couple months. I’ve been emotionally seperated from it for a while so it’s intimidating to start up again, but all I can do is my best.
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Feeling Sick
Chronic nausea is something I have suffered from for about 11 years.
When I stopped being able to breathe, about 6 years ago, I was living in an apartment with two roommates. Over time my ability to…. well breathe was compromised so often that I ended up in the emergency room. Thinking I had developed some sort of lung issue or asthma of some sort I went in thinking I would find out and be cured- only to discover that the truth was I was having such intense panic at all times that my body had gone sort of into shock and wasn’t allowing me to breathe without other (usual) physical or emotional symptoms. The other thing they guessed was some sort of chronic heartburn causing me to be nauseous all the time, yet exacerbated by the stress of the panic.
After a while I got the breathing under control, a symptom that still comes in week or month long waves when my stress and anxiety levels reach their peak, but the nausea and heartburn is something that has always truly escaped me. When I started feeling this way I never thought it would go on for so long, yet looking back, obviously it has.
Being ill is never easy. It took me so long to understand how my body was reacting to my moods, emotions, and especially what I ate.
I do believe for myself everything is such a delicate balance- I walk a tightrope of medication, therapy, and diet to try to keep myself from falling off, but I fall often, and often hard.
Today I feel so incredibly sick. The nausea and bodily discomfort is so horribly intense that I will without a doubt have to sit propped up against a wall of pillows to sleep. I’ll have to make sure I stay far away from trigger foods for quite some time, and really put more work into reminding myself that I don’t like to feel this way.
Tomorrow I go back to work, to work on my art, my apprenticeship, and my career.
One like = one “good luck” for my work week
2:00 brunch!
Yogurt, berries, bran and granola with a homegrown toasted tomato sandwich!
I slept super well last night which was nice, I can’t remember the last time I slept that well. The cool breeze through my windows and the smell of damp fall leaves was so comforting it was almost hypnotizing.
I love fall, I love Halloween, I can’t wait for more fall things in my life!
I haven’t been feeling well the past few days.
Barely sleeping, barely eating, general unwellness.
I made this lunch for myself yesterday and didn’t end up touching much of it due to feeling so unwell so that is both yesterday’s lunch and today’s.
Please note this is not a good example of proper eating and this is not a frequent pattern for me, but being honest about food here is important to me. People should be eating everyday and I stand behind that, but illness and sickness will impact that for sure.
Grocery Day!
Tuesdays are my last day off before my work week, being a piercer means my hours and weeks are a bit strange, but it’s nice to not have to get up before 9am!
I’ve never been a morning person, I find it very easy most days to intermediately fast between 9pm and noon, is a 14 hour fast enough? Maybe I should google it
I hate spending money but I do love grocery shopping. I find a lot of fun and comfort, especially doing it on a weekday afternoon when things are quieter, in picking foods for my next week or two, trying to mix and match fruits and veggies for my lunchboxes and explore new recipes.
All the cucumbers and tomatoes are home grown by my mother, and the squash are from the local farmers market, I even decided to pick up some kiwi, which I basically never eat. Here’s to trying new things
For breakfast/lunch yesterday I had yogurt,granola, and bran buds, along with some double bergamot Earl Grey and a toasted tomato sandwich. I really love fall for all the apples and tomatoes I get to enjoy from our yard.
What are you eating this week?
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I’m no longer counting days, it’s getting weird and confusing and hard but September is Health Goth’s 3rd month.
Today I was sick and running a fever so I consumed a lot of water, as you should when you don’t feel well! I also had a nice fried egg sandwich with ham for breakfast and made some fajita pasta with pork for dinner.
I plan on meal prepping for my upcoming work week tomorrow so stay tuned for that!
I’m pretty sure this is not a big deal for most intermediate and even some beginner Japanese language learners, but it’s a first for me and it makes me feel motivated to learn more so I’m gonna share:
I’ve always struggled with the onyomi and kunyomi of kanji and today, I figured out a kanji that I didn’t know simply because I figured out the readings of the kanjis that make up the word.
The word was 生花 (いけばな), the art of Japanese flower arrangement, and incidentally something I find fascinating and hope to learn some day.
I’m sure most people I know would say I should have reached this milestone much earlier in the journey but it happens to be something I struggle with so I’m happy to have overcome it today.
What Drives Me to Be a Girl… a Woman?
This is a question that took many years, decades, to understand in my life so I could give an honest answer to myself and a reasonable person who might ask. During this journey, at a very young age, I received several pieces of misinformation that early on led me to an incorrect conclusion, the 1960′s. So I spent years denying this part of myself, the thinking I just needed to embrace the masculine and that dressing as her was a sin.
But this feeling and need did not go away, or be pushed away despite my efforts, and just grew stronger over the years. I knew I had to face it and understand the why. So I was driven, almost obsessed, to find the answer. And Yes… I was excited every time I wore feminine clothes and so disappointed I had to return to my masculine clothes.
What helped a lot was reading about others who had similar feelings and desires. I knew I was not alone with these feelings and needs. I’ve always had, from a very young age, an interest and related to, the feminine more than the masculine. This interest was before I ever wore my mother’s clothes for the first time.
It was excitement at first, as I dressed in secret. But over time as I obtained my own feminine clothes, and I did it more often, I felt something else, calmness. This calmness stood out to me and I created more times to stay dressed in secret to test it.
I bought more clothes, not just what I call play clothes, that I could create an outfits that were reasonable. I felt such a desire to stay dressed this way, to end the secret, that my boy clothes were a mask I wanted to purge. The desire to walk out the door in these feminine clothes as my clothes was powerful.
In preparation I had to answer the question to myself that dressing as a girl / woman was being myself. The reason was and is this is my gender identity. My gender and my sex are separate.
The second question I need to answer to myself is whom I’m attracted to has nothing to do with how I’m dressed, how I present. In other words I’m not attracted to men at this point in my life.
And the third question I needed to answer is this is how I was created, it was not a mistake or a sin. After reading the bible in depth I don’t believe being heterosexual is the only way. There is nothing wrong with being gay. I don’t dress to trick someone. I’m upfront with who I am. How you conduct yourself is what is important, not that your sexual orientation is. Your partner is not just about procreation. Reading the bible yourself in context is very important, not just a single passage out of context. Gain your own faith.
With these questions answered and understanding the consequences of coming out of the closet financially, in an unfair world, I successfully had my first time out dressed as a woman. I repeated this many more times and soon came out to my family and friends giving the answers to the questions I knew they would have. I felt solid in doing this and I have no regrets. That was about ten years ago or so.
Yes… the subject interests me because I personally live it in my life, my ongoing slow transition. Dressing as a woman puts a smile on my face as I’m being true to my gender identity, myself.
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Omg, what happened? Left photo had been taken five years ago when I cosplayed fem!Trafalgar Law. And right had been taken five minutes ago when I found my old hoodie. I know it’s not the same, but back then I didn’t have the real one so I made that yellow top
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