you were dollhouses and cartoons on Saturday afternoons, sleepovers and shenanigans and secrets our parents never knew, you were my first home away from home, the kind of sister you choose through love, not blood. you were swimming pools and root beer floats and amateur duets in the back seat of your mother’s car. 

you were letters from California and loneliness in classrooms and school buses in Florida. you were open arms and ease and faith that friends can stay friends despite how they leave. 

now you’re a birthday party i won’t attend, but you’re still a birthday i won’t ever forget. you’re a single picture posted on a screen, as i wonder what you sound like or if you still think of me. 

you’re Sunday brunches with people i don’t recognize, but sometimes envy, because i wish they were me; they get to know who you are now and i’ll only know who you used to be.

- “you were dollhouses”

Take the good with the bad

Here’s to the ones that never leave

Here’s to the ones that left

Here’s to the ones that have accomplished something they can be proud of

Here’s to the ones that are down on their luck

Here’s to the ones who keep trying

Here’s to the letting go of the past

Here’s to new beginnings

Here’s to living for tonight

Here’s to the future

Here’s to 2020! Have a Happy New Year!

To whoever feels lost this holiday season

To whoever feels alone

To whoever feels sad

To whoever feels like things won’t work out

To whoever feels hopeless

Jesus Christ the light of the world was born today to bring hope to the world.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Christmas is something that I loved as a kid but now that I’m older it doesn’t feel right anymore.

I know in my heart it’s supposed to be more than buying gifts, commercialism…etc but now that I’m grown it’s hard to get past that.

Christmas doesn’t feel like a magical time anymore, it just feels like a day where estranged relatives are forced to catch up and realize why they never visit each other during the year.

My parents have such strong family values but to me, family is more than just blood.

Family is the bond we create when we choose to unconditionally love someone.

And to me, just being related to someone, isn’t a good enough reason to call them family. Not when they don’t treat me like family.

So to everyone out there with a tense home, Have a Happy Holiday

Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself

I have no expectations, yet somehow I still keep getting hurt.

Here I am, alone again

without you, without them

I never thought things would really end.

But after that fight, are pieces never seemed to fit back where they were supposed to.

As we grew apart I definitely took it worse, while you got friends and success, I found heartbreak and depression.

I didn’t loose just you, I lost our friends, my motivation, my confidence, and myself.

I didn’t know who I was anymore. But I kept thinking that someday everything will work itself out, we are meant to be in each other’s life’s.

After now months of internal turmoil, I have come to the realization that you don’t need me anymore.

You don’t love me anymore. And with that, I with leave you with this,

Thank you for teaching me to love when no one in my life has every loved me before.

And I’m sorry for hurting you the way you hurt me.

I hope your life is full of growth, prosperity, and love.

bye

The mighty oak was once a small acorn that stood its ground

And again destiny played its game, when I saw you that night. I saw you were with her and worse was the fact that you two looked perfect, unlike us. You never looked at me the way you were looking at her, totally mesmerized like the blind had finally gotten his eyesight and could now see the colourful world. Was she your world? Was she that anchor you used to talk about? It was getting more and more difficult to breathe. I felt like my chest was on fire and no ice in the world could cool it down. I felt the walls coming closer to me, engulfing me.

Over the years that I’d spent away from you, I had lied to my heart continuously that I had moved on, that I wasn’t stuck in that place which felt so much like home. Oh, I wish all of that were true. I wish I had left that place. But wishes are known for not getting fulfilled.

Us humans are so strange. Begging to forget the love we carry for someone just because it couldn’t work out.

You fixed her dress. I remember one night, when I spilled wine all over my dress, you had stood there and laughed, like I were some clown.

And as all these thoughts filled my mind, someone fixed my hair and I looked by my side and found the one who loved me.

Whom, I didn’t love.

~Shubhaa

She stood there, six feet away from me. Oh, how much I wanted to take those six steps and scoop her up into my arms. The wind blew and I wanted nothing but to become the hair that vined around her neck. And the moment she looked at me and smiled the smile of half angel, half satan. My heart broke into thousand pieces and the brightness in her eyes glued those pieces back together. And that was the moment I knew how fragile my heart was.

~Shubhaa

And as the last tear left my eye

I promised myself

You wouldn’t hover my mind

I promised my heart

You wouldn’t affect my smile

And I promised my soul

I couldn’t have you

But I wouldn’t die.

~Shubhaa

I could feel the hate radiating from her. I could see it in her eyes. I knew she didn’t recognize me anymore. Of course she didn’t. Who was I? Nothing. I had known it for quite a long time. I had seen the flashes of that monster inside of me, gradually becoming more prominent day by day.

I was sure though. I was sure that I would never hurt her, my princess, my girl. Yet here she was, standing in front of me, begging for mercy, asking to let her go.

“Show her what you can do. Show her the power you hold over her.” Said the voice I had been trying to fight for months. It always got the best of me.

Not today. I thought. With my heart breaking and my soul dying, I asked her to leave. I couldn’t look her in the eye. But I saw the hurt cross her face. Like she was expecting me to stop her from leaving.

*Trust me baby, I want to.*

I didn’t say a word though. She stood there for a few minutes, trying to find the person she had loved her whole life. I had been trying to find that person as well. And then suddenly, she started walking away. Her footsteps matching the pace of my heart breaking into tiny shards.

Yes, I loved her.

Yes, I had let her go.

“If love could save you You would have lived forever.”

Just like that, it wasn’t about him anymore. ☀️

And in the end, we are just mere human beings. Drunk on the idea of love, living on broken pieces of affection. Pretending to have the time of our lives, trying to love the life we have even though we all know, that when the end comes, it’s all going to turn to dust.

~Shubhaa

Death

When I’m lying in my grave

Will you come with roses

To bid me goodbye?

Will you stay and talk

For a while?

I couldn’t have you

Not in my life

But will you be mine

After I die?

~Shubhaa

Just like sand

The more I hold

The more you slip away

I cannot make you stay.

~Shubhaa

Random musings.

My heart reaches out to all the people who’ve ever had to suffer the agony of unrequited love.