i told you i loved the night we spent together

i wish i could have captured the grin you wore

so proud of the terrible things you did to me

how i love that smile

the same lips that grazed my skin not long ago

the same hands that caressed my doll-like body

the same hair that I tugged on as i made a show of your acts

it was only an act

all of the good things came to an end

the heavy breathing started

my lungs were collapsing

my heart forgot to beat

it was too busy aching to love you

wishing to be more than just a body

not every dead man was noble and neither are the dying

has every fall from grace been exonerated

now that your date of demise has been established

long have we honored the fallen as kings

with little regard for their true archetype

have the moribund beings been pardoned of their wrongdoings

now that they face deaths eternal grasp

-sundayafternoonsedentary

i’ve witnessed the cavities slither their way into his brain

etching out the desire to get out of bed

rotting teeth were never so beautifully maddening

the poor man didn’t stand a chance against the decay in his mouth

-sundayafternoonsedentary

chandlerchandler:

searching for warmth when you are the only life to be found is maddening

ravenous hands clawing at any ounce of heat

only to find your body slashed and your fingers bloody

colder do the nights get as your being disintegrates

slipping into nothingness

the once lively body etched with scars

remains indefinitely reaching for the love of another

something about falling snow is unsettling

peaceful to the eye

silencing the havoc throughout homes with a foot of soundproof encasing

sure the purity of the winter is breathtaking

but my lawn has been walked over time and time again

and the chaos is seeping out through the gaps of my snow boots

my screams echo with snow flakes hitting the ground

this chill in my bones is not serene

make me a goddess

shaped out of pure divinity

mold my features so that they appear to kiss the setting sun

search my soul with eyes full of lust, love and wondering

so sweetly set me on your pedestal

displaying my celestial substance for all of the mortal beings to gaze upon

as the liquor crawls down your throat the phrase I love you is drunkenly forced out

fatherly compassion that only surfaces when the alcohol has engulfed your body

submerged so deeply in a drink that love is just another meaningless word

a silly phrase that slips off of your tongue with the sharp taste of whiskey

too intoxicated to hear the crack in my voice

when i tell you that I love you more

more than your addiction

more than myself

but my words are tossed into the trash

clinking with empty bottles

colliding with conversations you don’t recall

memories of an absent father that loosely maneuver through my conscience

I have to compete with a $58 bottle of bourbon

but you seem to love being numb more than raising your daughter

it’s alright dad

i’ll carry the both of us out of this mess

maybe one day when you wake up you’ll thank me for it

but for now, I love you and I can spare enough love for the both of us

i’m sitting here in the peace of midnight

just trying to reciprocate the terrible feelings i’ve felt

never will i be able to comprehend how i felt with you

and nothing will be said about how my heart shattered when you left

all i have left is the darkness welcoming like an old friend

thegreenkindofgoddess:

The mornings are my favorite, especially on these dreary spring days, and the cold winter mornings. The notes of classical music swelling and shrinking like a pulse, a tide, filling every room with a beauty that does not fade. Music in the room over like a memory, ringing into existence over and over, hauntingly beautiful. Each note of For Alise adds grace elegance meaning to every movement, every drop of rain sliding down the windowsill, every sigh that escapes from my mouth. These moments are my sanctuary, my solitude. The sound of the coffee machine hissing and chugging, the wind and the rain, the patter of Luna’s paws on the stairs, the creaking of this old house, these are my own melody, the instruments in my life, beginning the first movement, the gentle sweet swell of the Sonata. I am not the conductor, I am the single member in the audience enraptured with the music, the empty cathedral to music with only me to add warmth to it all. No, God is the composer, every note another step in my life towards Him, for Him, from Him. My face turned up, worship on my lips, I live for these moments of simplicity and grace.

These are the moments that we live for

thegreenkindofgoddess:

“breathe in this is the symphony I.allegro the pounding in your head the buzzing of the bathroom light the static in the air building rising in your blood the tidal wave in the back of your throat II. adiago hush the thought creeps in slow and sudden the cure to the world and to you III. sherzo the air rushes back and the world comes into focus hands scrambling roughly quickly gasping laughing crying or somewhere in between IV. rondo the first cut the first droplet of red so startling, so promising heart pounding its goodbye as the blood rushes swift and the curtains close breathe out This is your symphony”

—

thegreenkindofgoddess:

“the way the sunshine plays in the folds of the curtains on lazy afternoons the burst of blackberry on your tongue in the summer heat the fire in your chest with that first sip of cider in the cold winter months the laugh of a stranger caught by the wind on the dappled path the graceful droop of an orchid regal melancholy in the curves of the petals these are the moments when the dreams of the world can be glimped these are the memory of pandora’s hope that serve as my suicide note”

— i am tired

thegreenkindofgoddess:

“can you feel the earth the rumble in your chest behind your heart but deeper so much deeper. can you hear the breathe of the sky the cold whisper of wind in the clouds in your lungs feel the heartbeat of the mountains of the olde in the back of your mind the pulse of the forests in your blood, the call of green of sky and sea and land you are the child of the earth of the sun through the trees and the sweet summer breezes the flow of the creek the chatter of the world beyond”

— originalgoddess

You left me

With just as many promises as you came with 

But more worries than I ever thought about leaving 

The cuts on my skin never heal when you’re gone 

The bruises never seem to fade 

They create crators on my skin wrapped in the same velvet on your tongue

When you tasted my insides and gave me yours

You forgot to stitch me back together 

You left with my heart wrapped up in your sleeve 

and my kisses in your palms while your fists hold them tight 

Hold me tight 

Just like the last time I saw you

mywordswillneverbeenough:

All Of The Color Blue

You are made up of star dust

And all of the color blue

You bring me to a place I’ve never been before

Like the sparkle in your eyes

and the yellow in your hair

You light the way in the dark

Your voice quenches my thirst

and plants a garden down my throat

I have craved your touch for a thousand years

but now I can feel the spark ignite between our skin

I have never kissed sweeter lips than yours

they taste like honeysuckle and promises

just the way your words taste

they warm my insides

including my bones

Your hands wrap around my body like it’s always the first time

but never a stranger

Your tongue baptized me the first time I ever felt you on my skin

I have never been home before

until now

I was born on a rainy day

Born on a day the Earth quaked and Fathers hands trembled

Born with eyes the color of the Earth and hair the color of your soul

The scars on my arms taste like the poison you placed inside of me so I will no longer apologize for the way you taught me to survive without you

I will no longer apologize for my voice being louder than your lies or the way my hands tremble when I tell you how I feel

I will no longer scream your name until my throat burns or search for you in the dark

I will no longer apologize for the bruises on my skin because the men who placed them there weren’t sorry

I was born a screamer

A fighter

With a fire in my throat

and I will always be

I once said you ignited a spark inside of me long ago

but it’s your love that I need to keep the fire going

The garden you once planted down my spine are now withered and the seeds in my ribcage are sprouting devastation

Your eyes are the sea and your hair the sun

I want to soak up all of you

The freckles on your back used to cerate a galaxy of stars that led me home

but now I’m lost in the dark

Soaked in regret my body craves to be smothered by you

I tried to run away from the Devil but his hands are wrapped around my throat while he whispers in my ear for me to stay

I lost you somewhere along the way

So I plant my favorite flower inside your brain and hope that one day you may think of me again

Crashing, I’m crashing

Crashing into the side of the mountain

My waves are strong but fragile

It’s a long way down to fall into me

but once I have you I swallow you whole

I am the Ocean

and you are a hurricane

I have loved you through your destruction

So please love me as you drown in all that I am

My throat is on fire when I scream your name

I crave the water from your voice so please quench my thirst

I have pulled the knife from my back for years and still never placed it back into your spine until now

I have risen from the ashes of you more than once and now I’m bruised and bleeding

The scrapes on my knees are from crawling out of the only Hell I’ve ever known

I have spent years begging God to tell me why I was never enough for you and now I will spend years watching you walk away from the only love I’ve ever known

So don’t blame me

When you put out

The girl on fire

You’re blue and I’m green

but you wanted a lilac sky

and instead you got me

You’re warm like the sun on my skin but cold to the touch

You freeze me out from the inside of you with the icy words that penetrate my skin

I would swim in your eyes if that meant I could look at you forever

You’re my favorite ocean and the strongest hurricane

So how disappointed are you that I will never be the stars in the sky that lead you home

Tell me why I have to fight to survive when you don’t even fight to breathe anymore

My throat is on fire when I scream your name

No matter how hard I scrub I can never wash away my sins of yesterday

The stars you placed inside of me turned into butterflies the first time you kissed me;

They flew out of my mouth every time I whispered I love you

But now I’m empty and alone ; afraid and abused

So please be gentle the next time your hands beg you to bruise my skin

My dreams turned into nightmares every time I see your face

I will never be able to pour all of you out of me

You bent me until I broke

So how am I supposed to heal when you never left me a Band-Aid

I have bruises on my body that was not created by your hands

But I ran before you could feel the scars

My heart sometimes doesn’t know the difference in pain and love 

Loneliness devoured me from the inside out

So I tried to fill the void with what I craved instead of you
Somewhere in the ocean I got lost and ruptured my heart trying to get back to where I knew I belonged

And now that I am whole 

Now that I am home

I am still sore from the bruises of before and stitched together in some of the wrong places
You are being punished for something you didn’t create

 But I destroyed unwillingly
When the pieces of me I saved for you were stolen I was too late to save them
I was ruined and demeaned

All I wanted was to un-taste the poison that was placed inside of me
Stripped of everything I thought I could survive the cold

Any storm that shook the ocean but I had nothing left to shelter the important parts inside of me I went too far and had no way out so I let go and gave in to sins I were ashamed of

I drowned myself while learning how to fight to breathe
I was too tired to stay But chained by my guilt and grief I was far away in a place I wasn’t welcomed

I was ruined and used and alone

and I couldn’t find your love at the end

I placed my soul in the devils hands begging for mercy
I fought to live 

I fought to taste life instead of my salty tears I dug myself out of hell 

Naked and alone
And now I am begging for you to stay 

To love the pieces I ruined 

And mend the parts of me you didn’t destroy

I will never forgive selling my soul for tasting a poison that was never mine Because I need your forgiveness more than my own

I could never tell you how it feels to be loved by a man who soothes my brokenness  

To allow you to openly touch the vulnerable parts of me 

And expose the places I’m ashamed of the most

I crave your love to forgive the pieces of me that gave into temptation and place the parts that belong back inside of me

But sometimes they don’t fit quite right

And sometimes my sewed up wounds open and for a moment I almost drown

So on the days it seems the hardest please forgive me the most

Because that’s what my soul craves

 Unconditional love

 And you

mywordswillneverbeenough:

I have bruises on my body that was not created by your hands 

But I ran before you could feel the scars

My heart sometimes doesn’t know the difference in pain and love 

Loneliness devoured me from the inside out

So I tried to fill the void with what I craved instead of you 

Somewhere in the ocean I got lost 

and ruptured my heart trying to get back to where I knew I belonged 

And now that I am whole 

Now that I am home

I am still sore from the bruises of before 

and stitched together in some of the wrong places 

You are being punished for something you didn’t create 

But I destroyed unwillingly 

When the pieces of me I saved for you 

were stolen 

I was too late to save them

I was ruined and demeaned

All I wanted was to un-taste the poison that was placed inside of me 

Stripped of everything 

I thought I could survive the cold

Any storm that shook the ocean 

but I had nothing left to shelter the important parts inside of me 

I went too far and had no way out 

so I let go and gave in to sins I were ashamed of 

I drowned myself while learning how to fight to breathe

I was too tired to stay 

But chained by my guilt and grief 

I was far away in a place I wasn’t welcomed 

I was ruined and used and alone

and I couldn’t find your love at the end 

I placed my soul in the devils hands

begging for mercy

I fought to live

I fought to taste life instead of my salty tears 

I dug myself out of hell 

Naked and alone

And now I am begging for you to stay 

To love the pieces I ruined 

And mend the parts of me you didn’t destroy 

I will never forgive selling my soul for tasting a poison that was never mine 

Because I need your forgiveness more than my own

I could never tell you how it feels to be loved by a man who soothes my brokenness  

To allow you to openly touch the vulnerable parts of me 

And expose the places I’m ashamed of the most

I crave your love to forgive the pieces of me that gave into temptation 

and place the parts that belong back inside of me

But sometimes they don’t fit quite right

And sometimes my sewed up wounds open and for a moment I almost drown 

So on the days it seems the hardest 

please forgive me the most 

Because that’s what my soul craves 

Unconditional love 

And you 

You placed the embers in my bones

And burned me to my core

You have stripped me naked as you dress my wounds with your tears and words

But somehow its never enough tomorrow

I hang on to empty words and hopeful promises

While you hang on to your ego

And never my hand

I pray you never taste my salty tears

Or feel the way you have left your sin burning into my skin

I have choked on enough words to know you’re not coming back for me

You leave me here,

Never enough,

And always raw

the flowers used to burst out of my brain

beautiful and full of life

and now they no longer spread across valleys

or fill rivers full of you

You painted the sky with tears and secrets

while I painted the moon the color of blood

and sins that I washed away every night

I created poetry with my tears

while you created bruises on my insides

with rough hands and empty words

you left me alone with a self destructive bomb

created from what we believed was love

with no voice to calm the storm

I fell into the void

just to be burned by my own hands

I turned all of my insides to fire and ice

the first time I inhaled your poison into the deepest part of me

I have sins of the skin your soft lips sometimes can’t satisfy

I’m lost in a field of thorns with flowers growing out of my skin

and I no longer crave your touch to grow

It has been almost twenty-seven years and I can still feel the anger burn from the inside of my bones. 

I have tasted what it feels like to be unwanted and I hope that someday you feel the burn as you take your last breath. 

No matter whether we like it or not, there will always be someone who gets left behind, someone whose love will be left wanting. Nothing happens the way we want it to be. You like him? Ahh, but he is not the one for you. You will have to live with someone who doesn’t even know you the way he does. But alas, he will never be yours, because he has found that someone with whom he wants to argue for the rest of his life.

Life is so unpredictable. I used to believe everyone finds someone. Everyone has a soulmate. But the reality hit me hard and now I’m lying on the cold ground. I can’t move or breathe, because I need him to survive. And he, will never be mine. Because there is something that lacks in me. Something he needs. Something he desires. The thing is, we never know if we will find the love of our life or, like our parents, we’ll be confined to that house of formalities. I don’t want stable love, I need the burning passion, that even burns after my death, on my grave.

I feel that burning passion for him, everyone feels it for someone. But if one is lucky, in fact, the luckiest of all, then maybe, the person they love, might love them back. One day. One day.

As fall knocks on the door

In his honour

All the leaves fall

And those proud trees

Stand naked and tall

Flowers droop down

Like guilt-ridden children

Everything goes still

As growth is thralled

Nostalgia hangs in the air

Felt by all

The words of my soul,

I scrawl

Children play in yellow fields

As sons of the soil wait for spring

The land is deceived

With a promise

No one seems to keep

She wants her children

In her lap

And wants to see them grow

But all she gets, are dried leaves

The burden of loss hangs in the air

Felt by all

The words of my soul,

I scrawl

~Shubhaa

I am no master in this art of love. Yet, every time I see you, my heart contracts, my lungs forget to make oxygen, my hands shake like some bird struggling to get out of a cage, my legs go limp like marshmallows and my soul shatters only to get glued up again. I try not to show how badly I want you, how strongly I adore you. When you play with your raven-coloured hair, I get mesmerized by the beauty of it. When you smile with your eyes, I hold myself back from touching you. You are fire, my darling. And like a moth, I am drawn to you. You are the sky, and I am an injured bird. I see you talking to the moon at nights and I can’t help but wonder how lonely you must be. In these past few years, I have learnt things about you that no one knows. How you like your space, how delicate your hands are, how much obsessed you are with the colour olive, how you like your tea cold and not hot (I question you for that every day), how you like to go on the roof once everyone is asleep and gaze at the moon, for you think only she can understand how lonely you actually are, how you smile when someone mentions any great poet, like you know all of his works line by line, word by word, how you have this diary that you carry around everywhere– to cafes, to bookstores, to that sunset point that you adore so much and finally, how you carry infinite love in your heart, that has now started to turn into grief. Oh, my dear love, oh my world, I would light myself up on fire if you were cold, I would serve my soul on a plate to you, if you were hungry, I would become a paper, if you ever craved to write. Oh, the things I would do for you are indescribable and unspeakable. Just know, if all the red vanishes from this world, I would pour my blood in a glass for you to paint.

~shubhaa

I am Lilith. The greater demon, the monster of night. I don’t hide in the shadows but dance on the blood bathed streets with my hands raised to the hells above. You ask me if I have ever loved and I laugh, like a fallen angel, beautiful and deadly. Yes I have loved. The sun, the light. But the night is too much in love with me, so I stay. My home is the moon, I own it. We drink champagne from skeleton cups, me and the moon, grieving our love for the sun. But oh, he is pure and monsters like me must love the dark nights.

Who do I love?

//excerpt from a book i’ll never write//

~shubhaa

His touch burnt on my skin

And I, craved for more and more

It was a sin to want him

For, he was never mine to hold.

~shubhaa

He asks me what is bigger than love

For a while

I stay quiet

And I think

What IS bigger than love in this world?

Those bittersweet memories

Start popping up in my head

You asking me to get out of the bed

To make you a cup of coffee

And me playing dead

Oh, how much i miss

The comfort of your lap

I remember us

Your hand reaching out for me

In that afternoon nap

You feeding me with your hands

These bittersweet memories

Between you and me, stand

Looking at us

Thinking where it went downhill

And I open my eyes

Hoping it would be just a dream

But you are looking at me

With pain and grief

And so I say

“Bigger than love, are the memories”

~shubhaa

I wanted to say a lot of things. But all I could speak was his name.

~Shubhaa