@sawai.co

@da.wb

@hannaheddyart

@jzcreativespace

@oshthoughts

@artbybananabread

@another.dept

Well it turns out that nothing is permanent, at least for now. After swimming in the emptiness of existence for about a week, I felt pulled back into contraction. At first fear showed up, even though emptiness was heavy and lonely, I didn’t want to be pulled back into suffering. My ego was still trying to claim the experience. Then I realized that I probably still have issues to resolve and wounds to heal. Back in January when I had my first true glimpse of the truth, I proceeded to fall back into ego perspective and inevitably suffered. But in hindsight I realize that I was purging old emotions and unhealed wounds. This was not a mistake, this was exactly how it was supposed to go. And so this time I didn’t struggle as much when I noticed that once again I had left the state of transcendence.

As it turns out, I have “coincidentally” been in contact with an old flame for the past two months.  And once again I cannot deny the obviousness and the beautiful genius of existence bringing me exactly what I need. At first I wasn’t sure how this reunion was going to unfold, but as the days have progressed we have again run into the same old familiar issues. I realize now that this is a perfectly timed opportunity, to close this chapter once and for all. However, saying goodbye is bringing up some sad emotions and I can feel myself resisting these feelings. There is the old ego voice, afraid of getting sucked into identification if I give into the pain. It’s like nowadays I simultaneously experience the perspective of the absolute and the relative. The old ego thoughts and patterns still come up and I can see them very clearly, which makes it almost impossible to lie to myself. But it also means that sometimes I feel confused, or I should say the ego feels confused by what it should think and do. And yet at the same time I mostly experience very clear guidance.

I know that this is what’s meant to happen and that we have been brought back together for proper closure. I also know that there is still a part of me which keeps running from emptiness. I have noticed for example that I have become quite the workaholic lately. I have a lot of energy and I just can’t seem to sit still. I want to constantly be moving or doing. It’s okay though, I know I will exhaust myself at some point again.

So as to where I am at the moment, it’s hard to say. Somewhere between ego land and emptiness. Sometimes there is a feeling of completeness and a whole lot of love flowing inside me. Other times I actually physically feel contracted and I am suffering. I believe these are the ego identifications being brought up and old wounds being healed to be able to completely let go into consciousness, god or myself.

Throughout this break up I have found myself resisting my emotions at times. Sometimes I would notice I was eating a lot, other times I would feel the urge to shop or to go out with friends. Sometimes these urges would seem so normal, I didn’t even think that I was suppressing anything. But there was always an undercurrent of restlessness in these moments.

This universe is an energy based place, which means that resistance only creates persistence. And so I started observing these moments to understand why I resist my painful emotions. What I found was that the biggest reason I resist my grief is because I believe:

1. If I allow myself to grieve, it means that my ex has power over me.

Let me explain.

About a week ago I was sitting on my bed and I was supposed to be studying, but I felt restless and distracted. I wanted to study but I just couldn’t get myself to focus. After a while of struggling I decided to take a break, I put on some music and suddenly a wave of sadness came over me. Surprised by my own unexpectedness I burst out crying. However, almost immediately I noticed a thought coming up repeatedly:

Fuck him, he is not worth this. He doesn’t deserve my tears. He is not worth my pain, I’m not going to cry over this.

I was so struck by this thought. This is why I keep resisting these emotions! I believe that by allowing myself to cry and be sad about the break up, I am giving him power over me! I was so shocked by this belief, that apparently had been subconsious all this time.

Somehow we believe that grieving and pain is about the other person. But this is definitely not the case. Grief is about YOU. Let me give you a weird example.

Imagine that you are riding your bike and a car hits you. You fall down and you see that both your knees are bleeding heavily. You are not gonna get up and pretend that you’re not in pain, in order to show how strong you are.

Fuck you driver, I’m gonna show you I’m stronger than this, watch me walk away unharmed.

This might seem like a strange example, but psychological pain is comparable to physical pain. Your heart also needs time to recover and heal.

Allowing your heart time to heal means: allowing your emotions to come up to be released. Just like with a real wound, it needs time to bleed so that all the dirt can come out.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” -Buddha

In times when our heart is breaking, we need all the love we can get, from ourselves. You have to be there for yourself, spend some time alone so you can heal. This is what it means to love yourself. It’s like you are the parent to your own heart. If your child were to fall down and hurt herself, you would pick her up, give her your attention, let her cry and hug her lovingly. This is exactly what your heart needs from you. It needs your love and attention. by suppressing your pain, you are turning your back on your wounded child.

No wonder we feel so unloved, the person that needs to love us the most, leaves when we are wounded and bleeding. You don’t need another person to come and love you. The person you are desperately waiting for is your SELF. 

Another part of why we resist our pain, is SHAME.

2. If I allow myself to grieve, it means that I have failed.

I noticed that I was feeling ashamed of being hurt, as if I had made a mistake. I felt like I had let my guard down, I had failed by caring about another person. Which honestly sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud. Relationships, like any other area of life, can require trial and error. We meet people and we have certain experiences in order to grow. And by growing, we also learn what we want in life. 

“The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered.” - John Green

Caring about another person is not failure. Being able to open your heart to let another person in, takes courage. Even if this turns out not to be the person for you, it shows you’re capable of loving, of giving to another. This is something beautiful. You should be proud of yourself for wanting to share love. If it doesn’t work out, it just means you two weren’t meant to be together at this point in time. This takes nothing away from your beautiful capacity to care. Heartbreak means you were willing to risk your heart. I know of nothing more courageous than that.

3. Wash your mouth please

Words have an immense power over us. By choosing the wrong words, we assign an incorrect meaning to the situation. This can cause further pain that is unnecessary.For example I caught myself thinking of this break up as a failure. I was telling my sister, oh yeah it’s okay I failed, but I have learned from this relationship. She looked at me and said, don’t say it like that! It’s not a failure, it’s an experience. By changing one word, I immediately felt better.

There really is no such thing as failing at anything in life. We can try and learn. But everything is just experience. There is no specific way in which everything has to be. There is a difference between what we consider to be (earthly) success and what the universe considers to be success. Success to the universe is not, never being in pain. We might consider avoiding as much pain as possible as victory, but it really isn’t. Pain in life is inevitable. It helps our heart to become softer. It makes us more compassionate, wise and kind. So be careful of what words you are using to describe your experience.

It is so important to be present with our pain. By healing ourselves and filling our own hearts with love, we develop the capacity to help heal the rest of the world as well.Just don’t forget not to wallow in your pain. Don’t hold onto it. Be present with it, and when you start to feel better, let go of the darkness. Be very honest with yourself whether you are still in pain or whether it is you who needs to let go of the pain.

I wish you strength and love on your journey.

For a long time I didn’t understand why I kept attracting unavailable partners. I especially didn’t understand why I was attracted to these men that were making me miserable.

In order to break a pattern, you need to become aware of it and understand why it keeps happening. Awareness is always the first step towards change.

Why do you fall for these unavailable partners?

1. To feel good about yourself:

When you are attracted to someone who isn’t willing to be all in, someone who won’t even commit to a relationship, it is likely you’re trying to convince them to love you.

This person is basically saying they only want a part of you and therefore they are rejecting the rest of you. You want nothing more than for them to call you up and say: “I’ve seen the light, I’m all in, let’s make babies”. You think that if this were to ever happen it would PROVE that you are good enough, it would mean you are lovable and worthy. You will have finally found someone who wants to love you despite all your (self-perceived) flaws.

What you are actually looking for, your “end goal”, is to feel good about yourself. You crave to feel completely accepted. 

2. You reject your own needs:

The way you judge yourself is also how you judge other people. For a long time I thought being strong meant not needing people, and so I rejected my own need for love and intimacy. When I met men that showed me their need for love and affection I would get turned off. Needs equaled weakness to me. I couldn’t accept their needs, since I wouldn’t accept my own. Consequently, I was only attracted to men who didn’t need me and were not emotionally invested in the relationship.

Think about how you have been judging yourself and which of your needs you’ve been rejecting. It can be helpful to examine what turns you off in a partner. 

3. You have linked love to pain:

Ever since my really painful breakup I keep meeting unavailable men. I now realize that I might be unavailable myself. Subconsciously I have linked relationships to intense pain. And even though I say I want a relationship, my subconscious is avoiding love like the plague. Your subconscious is trying to look out for you and guide you in the direction of pleasure instead of pain. All of the decisions we make in life are to gain pleasure or to avoid pain.

Maybe your last relationship was really painful? Perhaps your partner hurt you really bad? As a result, you now have this subconscious belief that people will hurt you and that relationships equal pain. A lot of the beliefs we have about life are subconscious. It’s very important to become aware of these beliefs in order to be able to break these toxic patterns.

How can you break the pattern?

1. Cut out the middleman:

You think by convincing someone to love you, you will prove that you are worthy and finally be able to feel good about yourself. However, this other person is only the middleman, you don’t need them to feel good about yourself. Instead focus on accepting who you truly are and love this person. Make this your goal instead of waiting for someone else to be convinced of your worth. Remember that we attract the love we think we deserve. The world is always mirroring our inner world. If you only accept some parts of yourself, you will continue to attract partners that only accept and want some parts of you.

“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”― Iyanla Vanzant

2. What language do you speak:

According to counselor Gary chapman there are 5 love languages, basically these are the 5 ways that people speak and understand love.

• Words of Affirmation: You want your partner to use their words to express love, affection and appreciation
• Acts of Service: You like partners who show their love with their actions
• Receiving Gifts:  You feel most loved when your partner gives you gifts as an expression of their love
• Quality Time: You want your partner to show their love with undivided attention.
• Physical Touch: Your enjoy affection through physical touch 

I have realized for example that I feel most loved when my partner is physically affectionate, he uses words to express his love and we spend a lot of time together. What are your love needs, when do you feel most loved? Be honest about what you want, don’t be ashamed of your needs.

Finally commit to a partner that uses the same love language, or someone who is willing to learn your love language. 

3. Get yourself a new mirror:

When someone truly isn’t willing or ready to commit, pretty much nothing you do will change their mind. This is because it really isn’t about you. You are both each other’s mirror. This means that if he doesn’t accept himself completely, he will not be able to love all of you. This person isn’t in a place to give and receive the kind of love you want. This is all about the relationship they have with themselves.

If you want to meet someone who is truly available and ready to commit, you need to become that type of person yourself. Be the type of person you want to attract and you will see a different image in your world mirror. 

“It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self.”― Robert Burney

4. Invest wisely:

In order to really break this pattern you need to take action. The next time you meet someone, be aware of this person’s intentions. What are they looking for? If you are looking for a commitment and all the signs are showing you that this person isn’t looking for the same thing, you need to cut contact. Immediately. Let them know that you are in different places right now, otherwise you risk becoming emotionally invested. And once that happens you will find yourself living in hope land again.

Also, instead of listening to what they tell you, look at what they show you. Actions scream what words hide. If someone talks about wanting a relationship, but then disappears for 3 days, it’s obvious this person is not genuine.

It all comes down to getting to know yourself. Learn to accept who you are, you don’t need anyone else’s approval to be yourself. And realize that you deserve to experience whatever you desire. I am currently also still in the process of learning to value and truly love myself. And I also realize that things don’t always work out according to our time schedule. Sometimes the universe has a different plan for our lives and all we can do is have faith and let go of desiring a specific outcome.

How to let go of your ex once and for all (even if it feels impossible)

It took me nearly 3 years to get over my ex boyfriend. If you have ever been through a breakup, you know it is one of the hardest most heart-wrenching things to go through.

After weeks of fighting, the day came where there was no other option than to break up. When he left my house that day I felt like he had ripped off a piece of my soul. I had loved this man with all my heart, it was a raw all consuming intense kind of love. I couldn’t grasp the reality of what had happened. My best friend came over and I was just lying there with lykke li’s song possibility on repeat. I had cried for hours and there was no life left in my eyes. 

For the first few months after the breakup I was in denial and I went into party mode, but not dealing with the pain slowly started to take its toll. And eventually (also because of some other factors) I fell into a deep black depression that would last for about a year. After the depression it still took me a long time to completely let him go.

It was the hardest and most valuable experience of my life.

So what helped me to let him go?

1. Accept reality:

I remember one day sitting on my sisters bed and complaining about how I wanted to stop thinking about him. I was more than sick of being hung up on him. She looked up and very firmly said, first admit you are still in love with him. I was shocked, I’m not in love with him anymore I cried out. I was.

The first step is admitting where you are. You still love this person. And that’s okay. Being hard on yourself for the way you feel, means you are rejecting your emotions and so you will not be able to process them. The next step is to decide that you truly want to move on. You have to want to move on, more than you want to be with him. You have to fight your way through the pain and tears, because you deserve to be happy. Then you have to be willing to experience the pain of letting go. You have to accept your emotions and process them. This could mean writing down all your feeling, locking yourself in your room and crying as much as you want. Give yourself permission to go through these emotions that want to be released.  

Then comes the hardest part,you have to give up hope. The biggest reason why I couldn’t let my ex go was because I would not let go of hope. In my mind it was only a matter of time before he would call me and we would get back together. I used to come up with excuses why he hadn’t called yet, he was probably still working on his issues and sorting his life out first. He wasn’t ready for a real relationship. BULLSHIT. He might still think about you, he might even still care about you, but what really matters is what he is doing about it. And if the answer is NOTHING, then none of it matters. When hope is based on a fantasy it can destroy your life. In the end I forced myself to look at reality. He had not called me for almost 3 years. We would never get back together.

2. Change your focus:

During my relationship I had made this person the biggest source of my happiness.And so when he left I didn’t know how I could ever be happy again. I thought my happiness depended on his presence in my life. You always hear this cliché advice about going out and doing things after a breakup, well it’s true. You have to find other things to focus on, other sources of happiness. I learned to focus more on my family and my friends. I started spending a lot more time with them and realized how happy they made me and how much I appreciated them. I also started reading a lot of books again. My focus shifted towards life questions like who do I want to be and what do I want to do with my life. Whenever you have a breakdown, it is a chance to rebuild yourself again. And that is exactly what I did. I became very self aware and questioned all of my beliefs about myself and the world. I started exploring myself and experiencing life. I am a completely different person today than the day lykke li was singing to a dead eyed girl.

So completely focus on yourself, find out what you truly enjoy. What do you still want to experience in the world? Time is passing us by. We are here to experience life and all of its ups and downs, don’t let this one down knock you out of the field for too long.

3. Choose your happiness:

You have to be very honest about whether you want to be happy. I used to think about all the mistakes I thought I had made. If only I had acted a little different we would still be together. If only I had different needs then it would have worked. Yes if I had the same needs as he had, it might have worked. But that person would not be me. I accepted that this is the type of person I am and these are the needs I have. I enjoy a lot of physical affection for example and I want to spend a lot of time with the people I love, especially my partner. These are not insane needs that no one can fulfill, there are millions of people out there who have the same desires in a relationship. Now I could ignore my needs and force myself to be with this person, but for what? Isn’t the reason I want to be with him, because I think he makes me happy? Well if he isn’t meeting my needs, it means I am not happy in this relationship. His needs are not going to change overnight and neither are mine. If I want to be with him, it means I can’t be myself, I can’t be happy. I had to make a choice between my own happiness and this person. I decided my happiness will always be more important than any man. 

4. Take away the crown:

I had fallen head over heals in love with this man and after the breakup I continued to put him on a pedestal. I had a very selective memory. I only remembered all the times he made me feel beautiful and the deep conversations we had. I remembered how safe he made me feel. But I had “forgotten” all the heartbreaking times I had waited for his call that would never come, or all the times he made me feel unlovable. I was clinging to a fantasy man and a fantasy relationship. I was in love with his potential, with the man I thought he could be. But in reality he wasn’t this man and he didn’t want to be. I had made him into a king and no other man could compare. I had to be honest with myself and take away the crown.

What fantasy image have you created of this person? Are you looking at who they really are, or are you thinking about who they could be and how great the relationship could be. Maybe you are clinging to who this person was at the beginning of the relationship and you hope it will be like that again. But that’s not reality. If you are in love with this person’s potential, you are in love with a fantasy. And fantasies rarely come to life.

5. Rejection is redirection:

At first it was difficult for me to accept the breakup, because I had linked the failed relationship to my worth as a woman. To me the breakup meant I wasn’t pretty enough, my cooking wasn’t good enough and I probably wasn’t funny enough. I had to change myself in order to be worthy. WRONG. Obviously I was young and I had made mistakes, we both had. However I have since come to see that everything happens for a reason, and life will always be changing. Some people are meant to leave your life because their part in your story has come to an end. We are all worthy and no rejection can change that. I became aware that part of the reason this breakup was so painful, was becauseI had made it mean something painful. I had assigned a totally wrong meaning to the situation. Once I let go of this meaning it was much easier for me to accept the breakup.

What painful meaning have you given to your experience?

Accept that you are going through this, don’t think that this isn’t supposed to happen. Don’t resist the situation. Instead let the experience in. Let the emotions in. It is these tough experiences that build character. It’s these hopeless dark days that will truly make you appreciate the happy days. This too shall pass. Nothing is forever and you will get through this.

Soafter another ground hog day relationship I decided I was done with dating for at least 2 months. This decision seemed to calm me down quite a bit. I sometimes do find myself doubting this challenge. Some of my girlfriends also tried to convince me not to try it, because I should just go with the flow of life. But I remind myself, that I am following my intuition and that has always worked out well for me. Sometimes we are not able to see the full picture and so we need to have faith in something bigger than our ego.

However I would continue to think about how I had handled the whole situation and I would get upset about it. I should have had more control over my emotions. I should have acted differently.I should have said the right things. Then everything would have worked out between us. Until I realized something that set me free.

No matter how hard I wished that I was emotionally stronger and better at handling dating. I am not. Right now this is where I am, and this is how far I am emotionally. Then it hit me: We can’t skip any steps.

I was upset because

1.I was judging myself for my thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

2.I felt like pain meant something had gone wrong

3.I felt like I could have prevented the situation by being better

But in every situation we are doing our best. I realized that throughout the whole experience I had tried my best to be strong. I had tried so hard to make everything go well. And yet it had not worked out between us. I had shown my weak side at some point. And I realized, this is exactly what is supposed to be happening. We can’t prevent ourselves from making mistakes, because we are not supposed to.

We all want to be mentally strong and to always make the perfect decisions. But we all make mistakes, because that’s how we learn. By doing it wrong, we learn to act differently. The pain is there to transform and teach us.

I realized that even though I had made mistakes, this time I had stepped out of this non-commitment situation within 2 months. Whereas before it had taken me 3 years to break up with my ex andanother 3 years to move on.

So we can’t skip making mistakes, all we can do:

1. Is to be aware of our patterns

2. Strive to grow and make better decisions with every new situation

3.Be compassionate with ourselves, because we are trying our best

Like with all things in life, everything has a certain learning curve. If we want to be a chef we need to start by learning how to cook rice. Everything has steps and we cannot skip the process of learning. All we can do is try our hardest and be willing to learn. I realized I am learning and growing, and I cannot be upset at myself for falling down. I need to get back up and love myself even more, especially when I am hurting. And this pain does not mean that something has gone wrong. No, this pain is meant for me and it is exactly what I am supposed to experience right now. This is my journey, and even though I might not always understand it, everything is for me and for the wellbeing of all.

“Even when I’m embarrassed by my actions, I deserve more love, not less.  We all deserve more love, not less.”- Matt Kahn

After a long spiritual journey of seeking for enlightenment, on January 17th 2017, it happened. I let go so completely that I saw the truth, or rather, the I that was searching disappeared. (At some point I will write the full story of my awakening.) What I have realized since, is that seeing emptiness isn’t the most important part. It’s the part that comes after, that is the real spiritual journey. It’s often referred to as “the return”. After you realize who you truly are, truth seems to move to the background (this is quite confusing and frustrating at first). This is when all of your limiting beliefs, wounds and ego triggers come to the surface to be healed.

This is the part where I am at now. It has been about 5 months since my self realization. And there does not seem to be much information about the post awakening journey. Therefore I figured it might be nice to share my experiences, as I would have loved to have more guidance along my own journey.

The first belief that keeps getting triggered by different life events, is my belief that I am not worthy. I am not worthy unless I have a man. It seems like I am experiencing ground hog day on the relationship front. I continue to attract unavailable men, that have no interest in pursuing a relationship. And yet, I find myself hopelessly attracted to these men.

Recently I met another man and it all seemed to go smoothly, we were spending a lot of time together and I felt like we both felt the special connection. I had actual feelings for someone again after a looong time. Then one night he simply said, oh no I’m not interested in a relationship for now, I want my freedom. It honestly broke my heart.. So many flashbacks of my ex came up. The interesting thing about this guy, let’s call him Alex, is that he shares some very specific similarities with the man that broke my heart 5 years ago. They share a lot of the same characteristics and even the same exact name..! From the moment I saw him, I felt extremely pulled towards him, initially not understanding why.

As time went on, I realized, he is here to trigger a belief in me. The belief that I’m unworthy. And I continued to make the same mistakes as with my ex, staying around even though he was clearly showing me he doesn’t really care about me. I just couldn’t seemed to pull away from his energy. This went on for a bit, until I decided to cut things off with him (much faster than with my ex!). About a week later we ran into each other and spent the night together again. At this point I felt so hopeless and devastated, how could I realize and see the truth and yet continue to make the same mistakes I used to make?! I cried out to the universe, asking for guidance and help. Then as if by divine force, I landed on a talk by Gabrielle Bernstein about spiritual surrender. And I knew immediately, this person is here to help me surrender even more, surrender my personal will to gods plan.

Yet I still wasn’t sure what to do, how do I stop wanting a partner to share love with? Or how do I attract one? What is my lesson here really? Again not even sure how it happened, I stumbled upon a ted talk called “Searching for love to escape ourselves”. And again the guidance was very clear, I need to stop dating and be with myself. Really be there for myself and all of these emotions that are being released.

About 6 months before my awakening, my heart chakra had started opening and a lot of things had been released. But I have not cried so presently and intensely as I have the past few weeks. Emotions seem to be much more intense after awakening. Anyway, after seeing the ted talk, my heart seemed to calm down. The universe seemed to have spoken, it is time for me to go on a complete dating stop, and to face all of my inner demons. To be by myself, without validation and to offer my emotions a loving space and presence. I know this is the right decision.

I will keep you guys updated and also start posting more about my journey up until now. For now my dating stop will be 2 months, let’s see where the universe takes me.