All it takes is for the memory to cross my mind and suddenly maggots are crawling down my throat and I can’t breathe

DONT REPOST / okay to rb if you are a csa victim as well

nothing is really real

DONT REPOST / okay to rb if you are a csa victim as well

art journal // 091420

I had to call the cops on my mom tonight so they can take her to the mental hospital and not one of my friends or my boyfriend came to help me. Nobody fucking cares even my dad wouldn’t come help take care of his own wife. It’s so quiet and lonely in this house now all by myself I wish the cops never left so I had someone to talk to.

My mom has bipolar disorder and she has psychotic episodes sometimes. It’s be traumatizing growing up taking care of your mother when she acts like this. She can be violent and angry and just attack me suddenly because she believes I’m the devil. I used to have horrible breakdowns myself whenever this happens but recently she is in an episode and I have been doing well. I clean her bedroom and take care of her animals and clean the house and she hasn’t been violent this time around thank god. It’s just very isolating being in a house alone with her. I’m lucky we have a home and I try to remind myself that even if it’s so empty.

I long for a darkness only found in my childhood home. The basement buried deep in the soil surrounded by the forest’s roots. Cold brick walls felt safe when everything else was so scary. The basement was a bomb shelter protecting me from the war happening above. Plates being thrown through the air couldn’t reach me deep in the earth. No hands could touch me when I was cradled by the dirt. I just want to go back

Prompt #12

“If you feel good doing good, why do you look so miserable ?”

“Miserable ? What do you mean ? I’m not-“

“Oh save your breath, I can sense the internalized insecurities and depression from here, been through some shit - want to protect others because no one protected [hero] when they needed it the most,”

“….”

“How was that ? Did I hit just in the right spot ? Did I get it correct ?”

“You smug fucking bastard —“

“You didn’t deny it”

You deserve the love and kindness you give to everyone else.

“How’s it feel?

How’s it feel to be so loved?

How’s it feel to be so loved, yet so alone?”

When someone tries to get me to open up

Every time everything gets better, it gets worse.

realizing there’s more layers of trauma than you thought

throwing a pity party & I’m starring as the clown