When you’re afraid to ask your new boss for time off for your stepps group, but if you don’t go to this group you’re probably going to have another breakdown and quit….
I don’t usually share my art, but this piece means a lot to me and I wanted to share it with you all.
I wrote this poem during a very dark time in my life. I’m not out of it yet, but I’m slowly getting there. I do a lot of work like this, which I share over at my venting blog. If you’d like to see it, please do so with caution! My vent blog has a standing trigger warning for all posts. (Blog: @traumacope)
Dude one thing I never hear people talk about trauma is that it can rob you of your discretion and individual decision making skills. I’m so afraid to trust myself making life choices that I have a crew of people I ask and legit many of them are idiots who always make me doubt my instincts. Someone gaslights you and you learn how to doubt your own mind. This goes quintuple for those who have experienced mania, psychosis, disassociation or any other mental illness mind alternated state. I am getting very tired of the feeling of asking others for permission and advice. It’s taken a million years to get to this point but I know my own mind and I know what I need from my life.
I’ve been making a lot of progress in the last couple of months. I’m not in therapy because of finances but reading books has been helping. Not even self-help books though atm, just straight up fiction.
I’ve been taking a long look at the different kinds of relationships I’ve had in my life as a parallel to how I was raised & kind of micro analyzing them. A lot of things are finally making sense; About the way I treat myself & the way I let other people treat me. Reading fiction has helped because I get to look at lots of different character’s perspectives.
Even thought I’ve always been able to read people pretty well, interpersonal relationships have always been hard for me because of the abuse that started early in my life. It made me scared of other people and caused extreme anxiety.
Over the last year I’ve been working really hard to squelch my anxiety by getting a hold on my tendency to over-think everything & panic. A year ago I was having daily panic attacks. For the time being I’m not even experiencing them on a weekly basis.
Had family visit this weekend. And It got me thinking even more. I’m not the person I was a year ago. I’ve changed a lot. I’ve matured so much. More so than in any other period of my life. I’ve faced some things I’ve been purposely ignoring about myself. I’ve chilled out a lot. My mind isn’t always on over drive. I’m in no way cured, but I don’t think I ever knew what it meant to be calm before.
Seeing family reminded me of this because my family is a mess. Most of them are much older than me & their behavior is so self centered and abusive. It’s awkward because they really don’t care about other people.
They like hurting people for fun, and they don’t think their actions should have consequences.
They taught their children to be seen & not heard & granted them no autonomy, no self esteem. Now they don’t understand why their kids are cutting them out or having behavioral issues.
Had an aunt lose her cool with me because she said something really awful about how she treats others & I calmly called her on it. She was FURIOUS.
I don’t care if these older family members have been getting away acting like this for decades. I’m not going to sit quietly any more. They don’t scare me.
So much of being an abused kid is growing up to redefine your childhood.
And I’m not only talking about finally seeing your situation for what it was. I’m talking about reclaiming parts of your identity too.
So many of us had our ‘favorite things’ robbed from us. SO many of us were assigned a favorite color, favorite animal, favorite toy…We didn’t get to make that choice for ourselves. Our abusers tried to construct us into who they wanted us to be. It’s time to take back being you.
With the 4th of July just a few days away, please remember to take care of yourself if you struggle with loud sounds!!!
If you’re staying in:
Headphones are your best friend!
Make a playlist of relaxing music like classical or lofi to drown out fireworks.
Play your favorite films!
Prepare some favorite snacks & non-caffeinated drinks!
Use plastic plates/ cups so there’s no loud sound/shards if knocked over
Swaddle yourself in blankets!
If you’re going out:
Headphones are also your best friend!
If you don’t have internet/phone/or headphones, ask to borrow from a friend/sibling. (I’m sure they’ll understand)
You can buy ear plugs at most Pharmacies like CVS or Rite-aid.You can also wear them under headphones for an advanced bumper.
Makeshift ear plugs can be made of toilet paper or tissues.
Remember to charge your phone incase you get separated from your group!!!
The 4th is on ⭑Thursday⭑ this year so make sure you prepare ahead of time incase of early fireworks.
As always stay hydrated (seriously it’s hot out there), remember to take your meds/ vitamins, & check on your loved ones if they are noise adverse (including animals)! And Please add on what you do to cope! It could help others more than you know!
So now that I’ve had my “clarity moments” at this guys house. I’m completely uninterested in him. He’s just a product of my manic episode. And I stayed the night. We didn’t have sex. I just slept. Had to sleep after that horrible trip I had last night. I just need to get to work and get ready and just get on. Distract myself from my problems. Work is a good distraction. I need to focus on that. No fucking guys. Seriously. I just honestly wanted to fuck him. I wasn’t considering a relationship of any type. But still. No sex either. Just stay focused on work. If I’m horny I’ll masturbate. Oh well. No. Guys.
