you were as beautiful as a midnight rose

so i suppose i should not have been surprised

when i finally fell onto your thorns

and bled out at sunrise

-even the stars go out eventually. c.r.

“and then.. it was over. it faded quietly, but nonetheless quickly just as it once sparked in the beginning, like a fiery whirlwind of passion that ran out of oxygen.

all things come to an end - i knew that, of course.

i had just hoped that it’d take a bit longer for us.”

-time has never done me any favors. c.r.

“tell me to move on. i’m always going to be thinking in possibilities; possibilities that we can get back together, possibilities that things can go back to the way they were, possibilities that you love me, still. and that’s going to drive me mad. so, please. tell me to move on. for my own sake. i can’t unless i hear you say it.”

-tell me you don’t love me like you said you did. c.r.

“i can’t keep pretending forever. so.. this is goodbye. goodbye, my love, my heart, my baby. goodbye. please know that i meant everything i said. i love you. i never stopped. you were my soulmate, once upon a time, before i lost you. before we lost each other. i’ll always be grateful for what you taught me. i know what love is, now, thanks to you - and i know what heartbreak is, too.

take care of yourself, please.”

-sincerely,the girl who you said meant everything to you, once. c.r.

“i still love you. you know that right? i always did, probably always will. lord knows i was never good at letting things - or people - go.”

-and other things i’ll never tell you. c.r.

every night, i think back

to what we had and where it went wrong

all my friends said, “he’ll hurt you”

guess i really should’ve known it all along

i wonder if i’ll see you someday,

flashback to when we first met in your lonely little town

i’ll smile tightly and say “you look good”

and i’ll get deja vu when you say, “you too”

god, i really should’ve known right from the start,

that someday you’d shatter my heart

and the only thing that break really did was break us apart

and the girl you love now, was she worth it?

are you happy with the life you chose?

maybe you hate me now, maybe you blame me for what happened,

but darling,

our shadows, they know what they know

-can you blame me for running? c.r.

“how are you?” you ask.

how do i tell you that my heart aches every time i think of you?

how do i tell you that i cry myself to sleep every night, remembering you, knowing you’re not mine anymore?

how do i tell you that i’ve torn myself apart every day, trying to figure out what went wrong? trying to figure out what i did?

how do i tell you that i would walk blindly through hell and back to be by your side?

how do i tell you that even though you shattered my heart into a million and two pieces, i can’t stop loving you with every single broken one of them?

how do i tell you that you are the only person i’ve ever loved, and maybe the only person i will ever love?

i can’t- that’s the truth. i can’t tell you any of that.

so how am i?

“i’m fine,” i smile tightly. you don’t ask me to elaborate.

-i can’t tell you the truth. i never could. c.r.

what does it mean, that i still miss you?

what does it mean, that i still want to be yours?

what does it mean, that yours are the only eyes i dream of?

what does it mean, that i would do anything to go back and time and fix what we lost?

what does it mean, that i cannot fathom anything more painful than never again being yours?

what does it mean?

-what did any of it mean, really? c.r.

“and in the end, was it worth it?

wasshe worth it?

because i know you’ll never love anyone like you loved me.

but whether that’s a good thing-

or a bad thing-

remains to be seen.”

-was breaking my heart worth it? c.r.

Alternator

And I ask myself, yet again,

that why, when my mind wanders

lost in the dark that dawns

with the dimming of the bedside lamp,

does it always seem to follow the paper trail

back to you?

Those scraps, scrawled so long ago, and erased,

then rewritten for the sake

of mere posterity;

shavings of pencil sharpenings and rubber

flank the winding road of heartbreak,

and heart mend,

only to find the damn thing ended up broken

again.

Like a faulty alternator, the movement of myself

through life cannot charge my heart, not on its own.

Electric paths along nerve endings long grown numb

with the overkill from the days when my heart

used to beat truly.

Until the pills became the building blocks;

the semblance of a sanity I’d hoped to forget

with love.

Until I talked myself mute about the topic;

the mountains of my tongue eroded smooth

by the rivers of my words, and your touch…

Now there are only murmurs.

The whispers of memories on the wind -

a hand that reaches for another to hold

and is met only by its opposite.

Sometimes my heart skips,

picks up the beats I missed from songs we used to sing

and tries to place them back into myself,

where they should fit -

where they used to fit - but don’t

anymore,

like a square trying to force itself round enough

to match a circle,

or the electricity trying to light the bulb

and finding no filament to latch onto,

or the pen trying to unwrite

what has already been written,

and taken to heart as the truth.

Jöjjön akárki, a csillagos ég megmarad neked… nekünk…

Mindig te fogsz eszembe jutni róla… akárhányszor felnézzek…

Ami egyszer fájt, az újra fájni fog…

…újra és újra fájni fog…

You made me feel invincible,

I never felt alone

But everything turned grey

You didn’t say you loved me

When I fell to my knees for you

Her words lingered in your mind

Drowning out mine

Silencing our world

You didn’t say goodbye

You didn’t even run

You left me on shaky ground

With no lights to find the truth

I didn’t shine bright enough

I told you who I was I opened my world to you

you watched me sleep in as the light peered through

stroking my hair away from my eyes

Fluttering eyelashes encasing a beautiful sea of comfort

embracing my morning with smiles and freckled grin

I would have watched you dance around the kitchen until my eyes couldn’t stay open

I wanted to be the reason you smiled every morning every day

Every time you heard that song you would think of me think of all the times we were together

Don’t you DARE to be okay with losing me

I continue to tell my friends

I am so over you

but when it gets dark outside

and the clock is past midnight

I miss you the most

crying because we will never have again

what we once had

And now alcohol runs through my veines

and I’m thinking about you

but I am stronger now

I won’t call you this time

if you loved me, why did you leave me?

the person who made me the happiest hurt my feelings the most