Motherhood………… when I started this blog I had a list of all the hard things about motherhood. Like lack of sleep, privacy, freedom, alone time but i was wrong. The hard list consists of just one thing, a sick baby. I learned that the hard way. My happy little girl had a lump on the side of her neck. We took her to the ER and after lots of tests, procedures and IV’s were told that she has an infection in her lymph node and would need surgery. I held her while she fell asleep in my arms and then prayed the whole time she was in surgery. The doctors assured us that surgery went well. It was the longest hour of my life. That is the hardest thing about motherhood, I had it all wrong before. I complained about not being able to pee without someone starring at me or have a meal without an interruption. I thought that my C-section was the worst pain I have ever felt but it doesn’t even come close to the pain that I had when she was in surgery. 4 nights with no sleep, no shower, 27 cups of coffee, same clothes they let us take her home. The anxiety that I have been dealing with is hard to describe. Last night I had a panic attack and had to leave the house for a little bit. Being a mother of course I went to Target. Walked the isles, looked at stuff that I can’t afford or need, got my 28th coffee and went home. My daughter is 1 and she knew that mama was upset so she put her little hands over my cheeks and gently kissed my nose, If only I could freeze time.
More times than not I find myself feeling like I am not good enough. When good things happen instead of enjoying the moment I wonder what is going to go wrong because it’s too good to be true. Because of my stress and anxiety I don’t fully enjoy any moment and I feel like I am just letting these special years of my life pass me by. I can’t be the only person to feel this way. I want to be a happy person, I want to not start worrying about what’s to come next month today. Anyone out there, if you feel this please share what works for you. I feel like I am drowning.
I want to live in a world where I can go to the store and not worry that a string will be tied to my car door handle, where my kids can play outside until the sun goes down without a worry, where no kid is scared to go to school because of watching the recent news. I want to be proud of this country that we live in. I want there to be a leader in place that kids would want to be when they grow up and respect. I want everyone to respect the flag and honor the men and women that sacrificed their life for it. At the end of the day it does not matter if you voted democrat or republican you are American. Violence and hatred needs to stop, riots, Covid, Ukraine, school shootings haven’t we seen enough death? I was at dollar tree the other day and saw a group of soldiers in uniform, I thanked them for their service. My son was with me and asked me if I knew them. I said no, but they are the reason we can go and shop at a store and me thanking them is the least I could do. So let’s raise our kids to respect the military, people in uniform and most of all our flag.
It sickens me to think that we live in a world where someone walked into a school with a loaded gun and killed 19 children and 2 teachers. I can’t even imagine the pain and sadness that community is going through. The is no longer a safe place for those kids. If kids have stuff going on at home, going to school used to be a safe place. Yesterday changed that. That shooter not only took the lives of those 21 people but also took the comfort of know your child is ok in school from the whole country. No parent should worry that when they kiss their kid that morning it might be the last time. When will this violence stop? People are living in fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of shopping at target and having your child be kidnapped, sending them to school and worrying about shootings. Not ok, do better America. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. For the media to make all this about gun laws is not only disrespectful to the families who lost loved ones but also takes away what happened. Politicians have their own agenda and use terrible events of what happened to speak “their truth”. There’s 19 kids that won’t get to grow up, go to college, get married, start their own family. There’s 2 families of the teachers whose kids will have to grow up without a mother. Those are the victims in all of this. No one has stopped and asked why did this happen? It’s not the gun, it’s not the lack of mental health help that we have, it’s the shit show that we live in. People are going insane, no one is on the same page and instead of having a conversation and try to see it from a different view people blow up. Political views are ripping families apart. So please let’s take politics out of this. I know that I will be hugging my kids tighter going forward. I woke up this morning and thought of the poor parents waking up to a quiet house this morning because their child is no longer there. We all need to come together and do better.
At the end of each day ask your child what was their favorite part. Trust me the answers will not only shock you but will put your whole life in perspective. What seems irrelevant to us might be the most special thing for your child that day. We tend to run on autopilot between jobs, sports, homework, laundry, meals. Life is hectic, stressful and complicated which is why asking your child what was their favorite part of that day is so special. I ask my kids and you know what they usually say? Some of our usual answers are being outside, drawing a picture, making a paper airplane, watching wheel of fortune, cooking, soccer- all very simple answers. Again, it’s amazing to see how something as little as making a paper airplane was what they took away as the best memory of that day. Being a parents is one of the hardest jobs no one can train you for. There is no book, cheat sheet, no orientation although I wish there was. Everything you do affects them, every step you take they are watching you- especially when you are in the bathroom. Nothing like having your 5 year old daughter announce to the whole baseball field that her mom has a tattoo on the butt cheek (true story unfortunately). So please carve out 3 min out of your crazy day each day and simply ask “ what was your favorite part of today?” and prepare to be amazed. Always remember you are doing what you can, they are little once. You got this mama!
Last week I did what I should have done years ago and took my life back. I gave my toxic job of 6 years my 2 week notice. I have given it my all in the last 6 years, stayed late, came in early, worked weekends, worked off the clock, grew the company. All that did not matter in the end, I gave my 2 weeks and they couldn’t do the same. I was asked to leave before completing my 2 weeks. If I already didn’t have my mind made up this would have been a final nail in the coffin. I’m moving on to a better job with more money and better benefits but I still feel hurt by how it ended at a job that I gave my last 6 years to. I didn’t even get a thank you. I was tossed out like a piece of trash, you know why? Because I learned my value. I saw what I’ve done, I saw all the extra jobs that I took on with no extra pay. I saw people doing 1/10 of the work making double. The extra things I took on to be a “team player” became and expectation and part of my job. Other people used me as a resource to help them grow while I was stagnant. I’m one of those people that likes being challenged, I love figuring things out and working towards a goal. When I stopped learning, I felt stuck. A local competitor company reached out to me, saw my potential, listened to what I was looking for in my next role and invested in me. After many interviews with different companies this just felt right. It was like a breath of fresh air feeling appreciated and heard. I’m taking away many lessons from my job that I’m leaving. I learned that I do have tough skin after all. Working in the construction industry I’ve been told that you can’t be a “wall flower”. I was tough when I had to be and compassionate when someone needed it. The friendships I’ve made I’m taking with me. I learned that I need to be respected and appreciated sounds crazy that my recent role didn’t come with that. I learned that company culture outweighs just about anything and in order for any company to be successful and grow taking care of current employees is the only way to get there. The biggest lesson I’m walking away with is that I now know my value and I will never again sell myself short. Here’s to new beginnings! 4/8/22
In just 3 short days my son will be 8. I would be lying if I said the last 8 years didn’t fly by. He made me a mom 8 years ago and we made him a big brother 5 years ago. His sense of humor, intelligence and compassion will take him far in life. For only being 8 he truly knows who he is, meanwhile I’m 34 and still trying to figure life out. He teaches me patience every day. He thinks outside of the box and applies himself fully to anything he wants to do. His drive for wanting to be the best, number 1 at everything he does is something most adults can learn from. Named after his dad and he truly lives up to the name. They are the same person. I started dating my husband at 15 so I missed 15 years of his life before me, I get to see it now through our son. Johnny you are simply put AMAZING, we love you beyond measure and hope you have the best 8th birthday! We have always said you will accomplish great things and we are so proud of you! I have no doubt year 8 will be GREAT :) 3/7/22
I want to live in the world where I don’t have to explain to my kids what war is and why I have tears rolling down my face as I watch what is happening in Ukraine. People no longer talk about Covid, vaccines or masks it’s all about Putin and what he’s doing. I want to be able to watch the news and be inspired to be better, I want to be proud instead of being ashamed when I speak Russian to my parents in public. I want people of Ukraine to be free and I wish we could take back everything that happened this past week. I honestly don’t know when it will end or how far Putin will go, I’m not even sure that he knows. Will he stop invading Ukraine or if he takes control of it will he move on to other countries like Latvia which is where I am from? I worry about my kids growing up and seeing this, I pray for the families that lost loved ones and the ones that are currently fighting to protect their land. I hate feeling helpless. I also feel guilty that I am safe and I am surrounded by my family while others are being torn apart. My heart has been heavy and my mind is exhausted trying to make sense of this. I am terrified about what is next and the fact that I may never see my grandmother again that lives in Russia kills me. 3/2/22
On the way to drop my son off at school we stopped to grab him a water at a convenience store. While at the store a woman walked up, grabbed my arm and said how gorgeous my son is. I thanked her, she started asking me how old he was I said he’s almost 8. At that point she turned to my son and asked him if he goes to school to which he said “yeah, I’m late now because we had to stop and get a drink”. She immediately asks “where do you go to school?”. That’s when I felt something being off. I ignored her question, told her that we are in a hurry and to have a good day. My son and I walked out of the store and she was watching us from her car. I purposely walked very slow to see if she was going to pull out and leave the parking lot but she only made a loop and parked back in the same spot. We got in our car, locked the doors and started to pull out and sure enough she’s right behind us. I took a quick left onto the main street knowing that she won’t have time to take a left to get right behind my car. Thank god for the 3 cars between us. I was starting to panic since I had to drop my son off at school which was less than a mile away but I did not want her to know what school he went to. I turned fast on to a small street hoping that she missed me. My heart was beating out of my chest. Call me crazy, call me paranoid but I trust my gut. My gut said something was off. Probably doesn’t help that I’ve seen so many tik toks lately about kids being abducted at stores. Bottom line is trust your intuition, it’s better to be wrong than sorry. I hate that we live in a world like this, I hate that if you are just being nice you might be judged for being a creep. I hate that I had to explain to my son that there are people out there that take kids away from their families. It’s so sad that at even at his young age he picked up on the weird feeling from the lady. I hope and pray that I am wrong, I hope that any other mother would do the same in this situation. Be aware, be on alert, protect your babies, they are the future. 3/2/22
My mind is occupied with images of what is happening in Ukraine. My heart is breaking for the people that are going though it and for families that no longer feel safe in their homes. Since the invasion I keep thinking how thankful I am to be with my husband, kids and my family. For people that know me in real life, they know I am Russian. I was born in Latvia when it was part of the USSR. In the early 90’s Latvia gained it’s independence. I was about 4 at the time. My family speaks Russian, my grandmother lives in Russia. I am disgusted that President Putin would attack Ukraine. I tried explaining this to my son who is almost 8 about how serious this is. I pray for the people of Ukraine and the people of Russia that don’t agree with this. To the people like my very own grandmother that support Putin’s invasion- please do your own research, don’t rely on the news. I think about the families that were separated, people that fled with just a suitcase to a country they’ve never been to I hope you will find peace. I’ve always been proud of the fact that I am “foreign”, that I am from Latvia. I love my home country, I may speak Russian, I live in USA but I stand with Ukraine.
I called my husband and my 4 year old daughter picked up. She said “hi mama, daddy is cleaning” I said that she’s a great receptionist to which she replied “ I’m the CEO”. Let’s all raise girls that dream big and think that anything is possible! 2/7/22
Motherhood is hard. No one warns you about how challenging and stressful it is. No matter how organized you are or how well you plan, the laundry will never be caught up and there will be days that you just want to get in your car and drive off a cliff. When I get home from work, I always need a few minute to unwind and change into comfy clothes. Now imagine trying to do that and hearing “mama, when can I do that? When can I do this? Can you buy me that? What’s for dinner?”. All while someone is hugging your leg. Privacy going to the bathroom is nonexistent when you become a mom. Constant feeling of not being good enough, guilt of working too much, spending too much time on my phone are all things I battle with daily. Irritation of having to repeat myself 17 times about cleaning their room, putting on shoes, eating all their meals, brushing their teeth is another challenge. I’m sure it seems like I don’t like being a mother, sometimes that is true. I hate to admit that but I have to be honest, it’s hard. I love my kids more than anything but at times I feel like when I became a mom I lost myself. I lost my independence, ability to say yes when friends ask to go out, going out to dinner with my husband or simply watching a movie. On days when life gets to me and I lose my will to keep going I know I have to get out of bed and keep going. My babies are counting on me, they are my motivation to do better, to keep going to a job that I hate until I find something else. I want to be a good mom, I want them both to grow up and look back on their childhood and only have good memories. I want them to never question my love for them. I wish mental health was as easy to fix as a broken bone, put a cast on it. On the bad days when I let my anxiety win being a mom is 100 times harder. The amount of weight I have on my chest that there are times they don’t get the best version of me is hard to accept. The crazy part is that they accept me. To them I am mom. To them I am not the 34 year old that is still “trying” to buy a house, not a stressed out woman that hates her job, not the irritated individual, I am their mom. The one that comforts them before bed time, kisses all the boo boos, supports their dreams, saves all their artwork and cheers the loudest at all the games. They love me for the simple fact that I am their mom and that is enough, I am enough. 1/19/2022
Last night as I was trying to get my son to fall asleep I laid down with him and couldn’t help but stare at him while his eyes were closed. He looked so grown up and it brought me to tears. For not even being 8 years old he knows exactly who he is and he stays true to that. When he makes friends, he keeps them. He’s a good big brother to his little sister. He loves to read books and write. Math is his strongest subject and at the same time is a class clown. Earlier this year he had a project where he had to use one word to describe himself and he said “curious”. Valid word for Johnny, his mind is like a sponge. He loves sports and is a good athlete. He’s determined to be the best at pretty much everything and it shows. I hope that he knows just how much his dad and I love him and there is not a day that goes by that we are not proud of the young man that he’s becoming. Not too long ago he was laying on my chest being only a few hours old. Time really is a thief and it’s crazy to think that my 1st baby will be 8 in March. Everyday when I pick him up from school I ask the same 2 questions “what did you learn?” “ what was your favorite part of today?” he tells me what he learned, funny things that happened, what he ate for lunch. But what he doesn’t know, is that the moment that he tells me all that, is my favorite part of every day. Thank you for making me mama sweet boy. 1/14/22
What would you tell your younger self if you were able to go back in time and give advice knowing what you know now?
I would say focus more on education and go to school for something you are truly passionate about instead of drowning yourself in debt and not knowing. Credit score is as important as your reputation and I wish high schools would explain that more to kids instead of us solving math problems that we will never use in real life. Travel as much as you can, learning different cultures opens your mind to new possibilities. Follow not only your heart but also your gut. All the tears shed, breakups and drama with the high school boyfriend will be worth it because he ends up being your husband. He loves you even when you make it hard, he is hard on you but it’s only to make you better. He’s kind when you need him and knows exactly how to make you feel special. You have 2 kids, 2 amazing humans that you created with the love of your life. They challenge you everyday, make you tired but most of all fulfill your life in ways you didn’t know was possible. Your parents are going though a lot health wise, they are keeping their chins up and your relationship with your mother is still a work in progress. You raise your kids believing that they can do anything they set their mind to. You want them to have a better life than you. You work hard at being a good mother, everyday. You let yourself go in a lot of ways, gained weight the way you dress but you are working on that right now. You carry a lot of guilt that at the age of 34 you don’t own a home. You know it will happen but it’s always on your mind. You allow the negative thoughts to control your life but you are dealing with it. You need to take breaks for your wellbeing, 1 hour at the thrift shop or getting a coffee and reading a book. You are never alone but you feel alone and that gets tough. You have so much good in your life. Beautiful kids, a husband that loves you who is also great dad, you are starting your little business. You need to push the dark feelings away, you can’t let the demons win. You are stronger than you think, you are kind, you stand by what you believe in. You are compassionate and thoughtful. You take pride in your work and your creativity is endless. There’s so much good in your life, you are so incredibly lucky. Turns out people that say that life is short are 100% right. But what they don’t tell you is as the time passes you mostly only remember the good times and moments so focus on that. Be in the moment, enjoy it and most importantly smile.
Today was one of the worst days of my life. It started as a typical Saturday. I woke up, got the kids dressed and ready for my son’s basketball practice. I was planning on stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts to get the kids donuts and a coffee for me. My husband was coming with us and he takes longer to get ready than us so there was no time for donuts. We drove to practice and got there right on time. My son was doing great. My husband was sitting on the other side of the court to stay by our daughter who was playing dolls with another little girl who’s brother is on my son’s team. My parents showed up and sat next to me. Everything was going fine, the kids were bouncing the balls running back and forth, doing drills. I looked over at my son and I could tell something was not right. He dropped the ball and started to walk over to me, he took his mask off and asked for water. I offered him mine since he left his in the car, he declined and said he doesn’t feel good. I told him I will go to the car and get his water and I asked him if he wanted to go home. He hugged me and said “mama something is wrong” his body got heavy and he lost consciousness in my arms. I stood up holding his body and started screaming my husband name over and over. It’s a packed gym, I was wearing a mask finally he heard me and started to run towards me. I put our son on the floor gently and screamed for people to call 911. My husband asked if he hit his head I said no he hugged me and passed out, he picked him up and started running. I got my daughter, my son’s jacket and pants and walked outside. No sight of my husband or son. The car is parked so where did they go? I see them walking out of the school. My son who was unconscious is walking. My husband took him to the bathroom, put cold water on his face and forced him to drink and he came to life. We went home. Both my parents and husband believe that he passed out from dehydration and he barely ate anything that morning before practice. I know that makes sense and I am so happy that he is ok but because of how it all happened and him passing out in my arms I have a hard time moving on. I check on him all the time, he’s all “mama I’m ok” but I just keep seeing his pale face and I keep hearing my scream for husband to come. My son is an unbelievable kid. I know he’s mine and moms brag but from the moment he came into this world people that meet him just know he’s destined to do something great. He’s smart, loves to read, has an amazing sense of humor, is a great dancer and most of all athletic. He’s programmed to be the best at everything he does and he works hard to make sure that it happens. At age 7 he knows what he wants to be, an engineer or president (said to lower gas prices). I honestly don’t know what I would do if something happened to him. I have been praying to god to keep him safe and that this was a one time situation caused by dehydration and not eating before practice. Being a parent is so scary and stressful, you want to raise them to be good, honest people and also keep them safe. I have so much guilt from not feeding him at home that morning, I should have known we could be running late and wouldn’t have time to stop at Dunkin’ Donuts. I should have woken him up earlier that day so we would have plenty of time for breakfast. I try and try to be the best mom, and I feel like I failed. I did not keep him safe. That whole situation broke me. I keep hugging him, checking on him. I take for granted my kids, my husband I need to take a step back and appreciate what I have. Life is short, too short. So we need to love our babies, hold them as much as we can and tell them we love them even more than we do now.
Vaccinated not vaccinated, can we just fast forward to a time where covid is behind us? Feels like everyone around me has covid and the world is closing in. No one knows what the right thing is to do but yet make statements as if they went to Medical school, everyone is a doctor when it comes to these topics. When in reality they got their info from the news. Each channel says different info too! Hard to keep track. 5 days, 10 days mask on, isolation, quarantine. I can’t take it anymore. This has ruined people’s lives, people lost lives, their sanity. This needs to end!
It’s 5pm on a Sunday night and I have to go back to work tomorrow. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. This past week flew by so fast, I loved not have to wake up in a rush to get my son ready for school and to make myself look half decent. So dreading tomorrow where my life goes back to Chaos management. My work gives me so much anxiety, It’s been very clear lately that they are using me for my ideas and actually hired a girl who’s job is to copy the marketing that I do for my company. I feel like there’s no room to grow and most of all I feel stuck. I am good at my job, I take pride in it but lately I’ve lost all of my drive and feel like I’m not sure what I’m working towards. I know what’s going to happen tomorrow I will wake up, I will get my son ready and drop him off at school and I will go to work. By Tuesday I will be back in the swing of things and hating life again. I feel like after vacation you need something to look forward to just to keep going. I do have a business trip in March ( for a job I’m not happy at) lol. Ok no more negativity, this is 2022. New year, new me with all the same problems. I will do my best to be in the moment and really enjoy life, focus on the positives. I started a new face washing/toner routine to make myself look like I’m 22 ( haha not 34). Also hopefully I’ll be saying goodbye to some pounds, I have been drinking giant jug of water everyday. It’s funny how New Years forces people to take a hard look at themselves and see what they are not happy with. I also read somewhere that dressing better forces you to look at yourself in a better light. I’m going to start trying to not look like I just rolled out of bed in 2022. I also got some turtlenecks because I think that’s going to be a go to top this year. Last time I wore a turtleneck was in 6th grade, I felt suffocated the whole time. Wish me luck. So the new Kate will arrive to work tomorrow, with shiny skin from all the crap that I’m using to look like I am 22, with a coffee in one hand, giant water jug in the other wearing a turtleneck. I will also have my new work tote with my new 2022 planner in it, that I am going to force myself to use and not stop by February like all the others. Positive, only positive thoughts. Wish me luck. 01/02/21
I’ve worked outside the home, basically with a career, even while I considered myself a homemaker. A homemaker is all I’ve wanted to be since I was a very little girl. I can’t remember a time in my life I didn’t want to be a woman in her home. I did the career thing in my 20s. It wasn’t without its profit, but it took me close to 4 years after I came home to re-buy into homemaking, to understand it as a glorious work instead of feeling put upon. It took me that long to start viewing it as my vocation.
Never once in my ‘career’ did I feel the invisible connection with women of the past. Not once did I feel rooted. Not once did I–in a Christian way, not a pagan way–feel tied to my ancestors, to the earth, to myself. I always felt like I was pushing against my purpose, even if I couldn’t put it into words.
Now, when I cook, clean, do laundry, hug my husband, make our lunches, beautify my home, run errands, bake, laugh with my sisters, share coffee with my Mom, spoil my nieces and nephews, and enjoy my home I feel connected. Hundreds of women, back to the dawn of time, related and unrelated, have done this exact same work. Hundreds of women have passed down wisdom to me. Hundreds of women have kneaded bread, scrubbed clothes, pondered over dinner, sought to manage a budget, grown flowers, and raised up the next generation while honoring the last. Women after women have done this work. I feel like I’ve found my place, my sisterhood, my purpose. Not outside the home, but in it. Not in loudly demanding everyone’s attention, but in quiet mornings set straight and ready for the day, long lingering breakfasts, grilling in our backyard, our stories, our life. Not in focuing on me, but in focusing on him and us. It’s simple. It’s incredibly hard. It’s challenging. It’s calm. Look back, down the line of women, going back to the beginning, there do I see my mothers, my sisters, my kin. And here, in my home, is where I belong.
Great message! You’re right…that genetic and historic connection is gone in the workforce, severed and sterile. But it can be felt so, so strongly in caring or providing for family. This is a beautiful point.
I’ve wanted to be a homemaker for years and now that I’m here… I’m struggling. There’s a loneliness and adaption that I’m hoping to someday soon overcome. The month before my son was born when I was alone, barefoot and pregnant (literally), keeping my home running, I felt… great. Everyday I felt accomplished. More so than I ever did working. I was happy, my husband was happy, I was creating life. These past 6 weeks with my son earthside has been challenging. For me, my marriage, though mainly I think for my mental health and self-worth. I hope to get back to my hearts desire someday soon, and remember why I chose this life. The satisfaction I received from a day of keeping a well-maintained home full of love and joy. I’m trying my best to give myself grace. Everything takes its own time.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman who would get emotional as their baby slowly grew… BUT HERE WE ARE. Realizing Emmett has outgrown his coming home from the hospital dino jams nearly broke me being a stay at home mom and raising this little squirt for the past 6 weeks has been the HARDEST thing I’ve ever done. Some days I don’t understand the “reward”… and then when I look at this nugget, happy & healthy, I understand. This love truly is unconditional
When you’re a little kid- even one with a chronic illness, everyone always asks that question… you know what I’m talking about. What do you want to be when you grow up?
I always wanted to be a lawyer. For years, I always would answer with utmost certainty that that’s what I wanted. I knew it from the bottom of my soul. It made sense since I loved arguing. I loved attention, and I…
