the radio stations here are not like home. the voices crackling through the radio are unfamiliar, chipper in a manner I do not trust. the numbers, too, are strange, decimals off from normal, fractions that may as well be chasms. the music plays without meaning.
I want to cry sapphire blue tears , let them flow out of the deepest hole in my soul and then maybe I can inhale oxygen that feels as though it’s never been exhaled by another living creature. I want to laugh the color yellow and see the world in vibrant colors. But most importantly I want to feel loved because that is what my heart misses the most. Maybe feeling loved would be the oxygen my heart needs. He may make me smile the color yellow.
I want to say that I used to see the world in vibrant colors but ever since I was told that you never loved me everything looks a little fake. Ever since you, I’ve been trying to find something genuine so that these sapphire tears built up inside of me will instead turn into a ruby heart, that knows she is enough.. and that one day I will be loved.
While I was walking hand in hand with another soul. You approached me, after shouting my name. My breathing became heavy because you murdered my heart nearly half a year ago. You proceeded to look into my eyes, once my favorite image. And speak to the guy, whose hand I was holding. You said to him “ I loved this girl with all of my heart and I still do, I was planning on marrying her one day but I did not think that I was making her as happy as I should have been so I left her for a girl that would not care anything about me, a girl that I could not hurt. I regretted losing her weeks after I made the biggest mistake of my life. I think about her everyday. So please take care of her heart and love her endlessly like I should have. Please love her for me There is no other girl out there like her, trust me I know.” and then you walked away.
I think that you haunted my sheets because every time I lay down I smell you and every time I try to sleep I dream of you. Sometimes I wake up thinking that you are next to me, but then I realize that you have not kept me warm at night in 10 weeks. You promised me forever, yet here I am alone. Did you find another girl named Lauren that you “love” all throughout your bones?
Please be patient with me. I am fragile and scarred from a love I once felt so deep , that my bones got branded with the initial of his name. You may have to cause an avalanche in order to break my wall down, but please don’t give up on me.
I have always loved with all of me , but for the past year I have made myself not love , in fear of losing another person… in fear of dying from heartache.
When I smile at you just know that my heart is warming up to yours. And when I ask you how you are just know that I truly care. it’s just going to take some time for me to allow myself to be vulnerable again. I’m so afraid to fall in love and be ripped to shreds, i’m so afraid to feel worthless again.
Dear future lover, please don’t hurt me, please don’t use me, please show me that I am capable of being loved.
Please
and I promise that I will love you like i’ve never been hurt before.
For hundreds of days you controlled my mind. The depression of you leaving me was hard to handle, especially with me not being able to show my emotions. You left me after promising me your last name, that’s just a hurt that takes your breath away. I loved you more than I loved myself, and I often believe that’s where I messed up. But here I am, half a year later ready to say that I am okay, and you no longer control my life. You often cross my mind but my heart doesn’t ache anymore, I loved you more than you’ll ever be loved but you didn’t feel the same, even though you said you did. You were the most beautiful devil that could possibly have entered my life. It’s crazy to say that months ago I would have died for you when you wouldn’t even have given me air if I was in a bottle. I find myself reminiscing about all of the fun memories we have but I’m slowly making better memories with someone else, I know that I’ll find someone that loves me. So I’m okay, and I loved you and now I don’t. I still may always feel broken when I look at you though. I’m not the same person that I was when I was sleeping in the same bed as you.
If I ever start missing you for some crazy reason I just remember the bruises you left upon my skin. You don’t deserve any love from a heart that you destroyed.
It’s finally, officially, spring. The telltale signs are here, but somehow it still doesn’t feel like it to me. I came to realise how, after almost five years, my body and mind are still not fully adapted to living in Scotland.
I’ll put it this way, it might make more sense. I feel like a semi-evergreen herbaceous perennial plant of Mediterranean origin growing at a too-northerly latitude for me to fully thrive. Long, dark, wet winters, although not necessarily much harsher on average, can really hurt me. I get to the end straggly and tattered.
By the time spring arrives and the days become longer, I’m ready for new growth, but my leaves, my skin, they need the burning feeling of sunshine that’s just not there. The drizzle and showers that pour on me in the mild temperature seem to encourage rot, rather than rebirth.
I need the crisp, rosy mornings when fresh breeze flowing down the Alps covers me in dew drops, and the hot rays of a newborn sun, set in a deep blue sky, to blast it all away.
The weather has always strongly affected me, and I might feel completely different on a beautiful sunny day, but those days seem to be too rare now. My only consolation is thinking Scotland wouldn’t look so green without all this water, and green is my favourite colour after all.
