Dear Diary,

How can I be honest with my therapist but not so honest that I get institutionalized?

Entry number three: Emptiness

Dear Diary,

I don’t want to continue living but I don’t want to die.

Entry number two: Anger

Dear Diary,

happy fucking new year. Everyone’s talking about new year’s resolutions and getting a chance at a fresh start but I don’t know if that’s even an option for me. I understand the importance of moving forward with life but how can I simply let go of my past? Your past is what shapes you, your life experiences help you grow as a person. Sometimes holding on to something can cause more damaging than letting go but I can’t abandon my past self. Although the few memories that I have are quite melancholic I still feel a sense of comfort looking back at my childhood. One of the reasons why I write this is to help myself remember incase I forget. The entirety of my childhood is extremely blurry, I only know as much as I do about my past because of files on me, medical records, videos, pictures, old journals and stories other people have told me. I can’t really experience nostalgia because I barely have anything to look back on. It feels like there’s something very important that I don’t remember, it’s like I’m missing something. According to professionals my memory loss was likely caused by something traumatic, I know that by blocking out my memories my brain is protecting me but if something that horrible happened that it caused me lose my memory I would like to know. I feel so awful, it’s because of a past event that I can’t let go. Why should I have to feel bad? I was just a child, I still am just a child and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was helpless, small and terrified, I know exactly who to blame. I’m done feeling inferior and scared all the time I’m fucking angry now. He is the reason that I’m so fucked up. He’s the reason why I constantly feel like something’s missing. He is one if the main causes of my addiction. He is why I’m stuck in the past. He is the source of my issues. He can live without any consequences while I’m stuck like this, normally I would never wish ill intentions on someone but he deserves it. I want him to hurt like I hurt. I want him to know what it feels like to be small, weak and terrified. If I really take the time to think about it, the overwhelming rage that I feel is pointless, what can I possibly do now? These are the kinds if things that make me wish I was never born.

Entry number one: Introduction

Dear Diary,

I’m lost. I’ve been struggling with mental health issues and trauma ever since I can remember, living is a chore. It all started when I was -actually scratch that- since I was born everything pretty much went to shit, I basically grew up in the hospital. When I wasn’t in the hospital I was at school where I would get bullied every single day, to add to that the teachers and staff were physically abusive. The worst part of that was I couldn’t even tell anybody because I wasn’t able to soeak the language that was being taught, if I were to speak my native language I would be punished. It was awful. The only place left where I could feel safe was at home but I guess that was too much to ask for from my deadbeat dad. Luckily I was never physically hit or abused at home but I’d be lying if I told you I grew up in a happy household. I’m not sure if this is a good or a bad thing but I can’t remember most of my childhood, according to doctors I have trauma induced memory loss along with other diagnoses. I know you’re probably thinking “She’s just trying to be edgy and shit, what an attention whore”. Before you make any assumptions about me know that I’m professionally diagnosed, not that there’s anything wrong with being self diagnosed. Just because some stupid kids decided that having depression is quirky it doesn’t give people the right to invalidate others mental illnesses. All that to say if you have any negative opinions about me or my blog please keep them to yourself, I’m not writing all of this shit to start drama. I’m writing this because I want people to have something they relate too and know that they’re not alone, that and it’s my only healthy coping mechanism. Just so we’re clear, I’m not looking for anyone’s pity. That said I can barely think anymore i’ll write to you hopefully tomorrow.

“If this is how my life is going to be, I don’t want it anymore.”

~ Unknown

Do NOT blame suicidal people for wanting to die

• They can’t help it.
• They are in a kind of pain you can’t even imagine.
• The last thing they need is more guilt.
• They trusted you enough to tell you, don’t guilt trip them.
• If you don’t know how to help them, please ask a professional for advice.
• It takes much strenght to survive suicidal thoughts. They are strong but they need help and support. 
• It is NOT their fault, nor yours. They just need support.
• Suicidal pain is exhausting and they only want to rest. Try to understand, not blame them.
• They need professional help.
• They are not selfish.
• They are ill.

I don’t think I will ever be enough There is something broken inside of me, like I am just made of broken pieces someone couldn’t quite fit together in the way they were supposed to. Like I was shattered at some point and they gave up before they got it right. I don’t think this is how humans are supposed to feel and now I am just sad and alone and scared and I think this is how its always going to be..

damn I wonder what it’s like to be happy

Tyle powinno wystarczyć

And I meant it. Ha

AN: this is my first time writing a fan fiction so bare with me.I hope you enjoy

warnings: much angst, Sexual Assault, attempted suicide

Listen Before I go By Billie Eilish

pairing: Harry Styles X !FEM!reader 

Harry has been on tour for months, five months to be more specific. a lot can change in that amount of time, trust especially.

“I’ve missed you my angel,” Harry said from the doorway, bags dropped to his feet as he walked over to you to hold you in his arms.

You flinched away from his touch. He backs away, understanding the shake in your hands. you don’t want to be held.

Did he do something wrong? what happened in those five months that would have made you flinch away from him? Was it his fault? The answer was no, it wasn’t his fault he didn’t know. You never told him, how was he supposed to know.

He could see on your face something was off. a few seconds maybe 20 had passed before either of you spoke again. “What’s wrong, What happened?” your eyes start to water, you two have been together for two years but have known each other since sophomore year of high school.

He told you everything, from what bothered him that day or what made him so overwhelmed with joy it didn’t matter he always told you about it, but you were more closed off than him. Sure you told him about your day and he already knew everything about you, that’s what he thought at least.

“It’s nothing, really i just missed you and didn’t expect you to be home.” that wasn’t it and he knew it. He’s too good at reading you. “That’s not it and we both know that, what is it lovie.”

The truth was, he called you. the guy who ruined your life. Made you feel like you didn’t deserve love. the man who fucked you up so bad you could hardly live. not safely at least.

“Jace called me.” you mumbled under your breath, it was barely audible but he heard you. “Jace as in your Ex? What did he want.” “He just called to mess with me.”

Technically that was the truth, just not all of it. “There’s more, isn’t there. you can tell me.” god you don’t deserve harry, he’s too good for you.

“There’s some things I haven’t told you, but I think I’m ready.” you look him in the eyes and pull him to the couch. “Now before i say this i don’t want you to get upset, it was a long time ago. Jace wasn’t only an Ex, he did things to me, not exactly good things.”

you had to stop for a few seconds to catch your breath, you were crying? When did you start crying? when will you stop. “It’s okay lovie take your time.” harry said as he put a hand on your back, instead of flinching away you melted into his touch, it calmed you. “ He, uh he would make me do things. things you wouldn’t even believe.”

To say Harry was angry would be the understatement of the century. He was shaking, his face was beet red. You could tell he was trying to stay calm for your sake but it wasn’t working.

This time you leaned into him asking to be held. That’s how you stayed for the rest of the night, tangled with him. Assuming you feel asleep and he carried you to your room.

When you woke up the bed was empty. Was it a dream? you heard the sink running in the bathroom, harry was brushing his teeth. He’s home, “some welcome home present” you thought to yourself. Telling your overprotective boyfriend about the guy who raped you the day he gets home. Not even a welcome home.

“good morning angel, I have a few meetings today just to wrap up tour stuff. I should be home around 3:00pm then we can do whatever you want to do.” it’s 9:00am now. “alright do you want breakfast?” “No thank you i’m already late, but thank you. i’m leaving in a few and have some stuff to do downstairs but i love you and i’ll see you tonight, call me if you need anything.” “love you too, have a good day.”

you’re such an asshole. He just got home and the first thing you do is make him feel like he did something wrong. He was gone for five months and not even an I love you. god your pathetic. Why is he still with you. He doesn’t deserve to be treated with such disrespect, especially from you. “I agree, he doesn’t” your thoughts get the best of you and you spend at least an hour just sitting on the shower floor, just thinking, contemplating.

That’s it, you get up from the shower floor turn off the water and cry off. Your wearing one of his hoodies and som shorts. the pen in your hand is shaking more than you are. you write nonetheless.

Harry, my sweet harry. my love for you is larger than life. i don’t want you to think this was your fault, it’s not. if anything you prevented this from happening a long time ago. but my time is up, god i hope you aren’t the one to find me. i’m so sorry i had to do this to you. I’m sorry I had to hold you back all this time. i hope now that i’m gone you won’t have anything stopping you from greatness, more greatness than you already have. I love you. but i can’t keep living this life. it hurts. more than you’ll ever know. I don’t want you to stop living because of me. i won’t ask much of you for now but can you take care of Rajah? She needs to be fed while I’m gone. take care of yourself. don’t let me be the reason we meet again. but hey when it is your time in 50 years i’ll tell you if there’s a heaven like i’ve always wanted to know. but please know, this isn’t your fault, it’s mine really. goodbye my love

il mio amore per te va di mondo in mondo, ti amo più della vita.

-Y/N

and with that it was done, you grabbed your bottle of prozac in your shaking hands and that was it.

HARRY’S POV

I forgot to tell Y/N I was coming home for lunch but consider it a little surprise. “Y/N, darling i’m home for lunch, what do you have in mind?” when he got no reply he began to worry. He walked the halls searching for his love. when he walked into your shared room he saw you… laying there. limp.

the color drained from his face as he sprinted to you collapsing on top of you. He frantically shook you, trying desperately to get any sort of response, all he got was a low grunt. He looked at your hand, pills. He pulled up his phone and dialed 911 as fast as his mind allowed “911 what’s your emergency?” she sounds too cheerful for this situation “please it’s my girlfriend i just got home and she was on the floor barely responding, i think she tried to kill herself!” “does she have a pulse? what’s the address?” “she has a pulse but it’s weak, the address is 1794 on 64th ave. hurry” the line went silent on the other end for a few seconds “alright sir we have the address someone will be there as soon as 2 minutes” “she doesn’t have 2 minutes, hurry please.”

When the paramedics arrived your pulse was barely there, low and shallow breaths in your lungs. Harry was in the ambulance as they put your IV in and out you in oxygen. after they got to the hospital he wasn’t allowed in the room until they were sure you were ready for visits. a nurse had been giving him updates her name was sarah. Sarah told him to go home, shower grab some clothes, it took time but he did. That’s when he saw the note. He broke. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t move. “il mio amore per te va di mondo in mondo, ti amo più della vita.” he thought of you when you two went to italy for your anniversary, you remembered. it means “my love for you goes from world to world, I love you more than life.”

when he got back to the hospital Sarah said you were better, still haven’t woken up yet but your healing nonetheless. They called your mother and she said he could be put on the emergency list so he could be with you when you wake up. That’s exactly what he did, he sat there right beside you for a week until you woke up.

Y/N POV

It was bright, too bright for your eyes. You turned over but when you felt someone touching your hand you saw harry. He’s asleep, how long has it been, he thinks you’re pathetic. He doesn’t, he’s been crying, his cheeks are red and tear stained. He’s waking up. “Hey lovie, are you alright? How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?” he seemed genuinely concerned, it was hard to answer but you managed to get a few words out “I’m fine right now, where am I?” he looked at you in a way that asked you if you were being serious, you were. “Where at the hospital, you took a bunch of pills but I got to you in time.”

“Hey Y/N, my name is Sarah, i’m your nurse, how are you feeling hun?” “i feel fine, a little drowsy.” i couldn’t really tell you what happened after that, everything’s a bit fuzzy but she kept asking questions. Harry’s eyes never left me.

~time skip to when they get home because it’s late and i need to sleep~

Harry’s hand was on my knee the whole ride home like he was afraid I would evaporate if he let go. When we pulled into the driveway he opened the door for me and offered me a hand, I took it and thanked him. He hasn’t really asked as many questions as I thought he would.

When we got inside he dropped our bags by the door, went to the kitchen and grabbed some water. He walked back into the living room where you were sitting, he sat the glass of water on the table next to you.

He sat on the couch beside you, you basically threw yourself onto him has tears gushed down your face staining his dark blue t-shirt, he wrapped his arms around you and held you as you spewed out apology’s one after another “I’m so sorry, i’m so selfish, you shouldn’t have to deal with shit like this.” he cut you off before you could say anything else with a soft kiss. It has been so long since you two have just kissed.

he leaned back so you could lay on top of him. you fell asleep to harry whispering “i love you” over and over in your ear.

when you woke up harry was playing with your hair, once you woke up a bit more you spoke up. He deserves an explanation “Harry, you deserve an explanation. It was never your fault, just with jace calling me and the things he said-“’‘what did he say?” “uh he uh told me to w-watch myself and that no one not even you, who he called some other fuck up, can protect me from him. i was scared and confused and i didn’t know how to handle it but the things he did to me fucked me up and i don’t want that again.” “ it’s alright baby really i’m not mad, he can’t hurt you anymore, i’m here. that bastard will be in a grave before he lays another hand on you”

An: tell me how you liked it, might fuck around and make a part two idk yet but im going to bed i love you

Catch me going through every self harm and suicide tag to lift people up and offer someone for them to talk to, because in 2019 I am not standing by anymore.

And don’t think I won’t find you I will.

Llorara mucha gente si me hago la autofunacion?

-G