#i loved her
i know i should not have fallen in love with you. we will never be together and that your heart belongs to someone else.
but what am i suppose to do when words are stuck in the back of my throat every time you smile at me? what am i suppose to do when my breathing stops whenever you lean in close to me? what am i suppose to do when i feel lightheaded every time you say my name?
and the worst part is that you dont even like girls. you hold so much power over me without even knowing it.
sometimes i wonder if im always going to go back to you. i feel bad for all the people i have pushed away for you but my mind won’t stop calling your name. i lay awake at night wishing for things to be different, wishing my presence is the one you crave. i pray to whichever God for our paths to cross again and i imagine all the sentences i’ll say in an attempt to make you like me again.
but do you ever feel that way about me when you’re with him?
- She killed her parents!
Yes. She did. She made a demon deal when she was 14 to escape an abusive father (what is strongly implied in the flashback to be sexual abuse). We don’t know if her mother was also abusive, or whether she knew about the abuse and did nothing to stop it, or if she simply didn’t know, but given the demon implicated them both, I think it’s fair to say she likely had a part in it.
It’s not really clear whether Bela explicitly knew this would result in their deaths when she made the deal. She was very vulnerable and young and obviously desperate for what was happening to her to stop, and the demon’s phrasing was fairly vague:
I can take care of them for you. And it won’t even cost you anything…for ten whole years.
But yes, to your point, she killed her abusers to save herself.
And so did Bobby. Bobby killed his father, directly and deliberately, because he was abusive. And I have literally never once heard this used against him. I have never seen anything but sympathy and love for Bobby over this. I have never, ever seen anyone imply that Bobby deserved anything bad that happened to him because of this.
You can tell me all you want that it’s different because he was alsosaving his mother, but the fact that Bela had no one else to protect as well as herself is not a strike against her. It just means she was more alone.
- She was manipulative!
Yes. She was.
Do you know who else manipulates people into getting what they want, be it help or cooperation, information, items they need, etc?
Sam and Dean Winchester.
That’s different, though, because they help people, right?
Well, not always. It’s true they were raised to hunt things, though it was not originally about helping people. What got them into the hunting life was a very personal mission for their father - find the thing that killed Mary, kill whatever gets in the way, do what you have to do to get the information you need.
And while it became more about helping people as things went on, the fact remains that when it comes down to it, they will always pick their family and friends over the rest of the world. Innocent people get hurt because of the things they do for themselves and each other.
And that’s because they’re human, and it’s human nature to protect yourself and your social circle, while people you don’t know remain abstract. You may care about strangers in a general sense and want to help them and want good things for them, but if it came down to their safety versus yourself or someone close to you, it’d be incredibly surprising if you picked the stranger. We like to think we’d sacrifice ourselves for strangers, but it goes against all of our programming and all of our instincts, and when the situation actually arises, people almost always protect themselves and their families first. There’s a reason it makes the news when they don’t - it’s unusual.
Bela protects herself and provides for herself. Bela’s mission was to save herself from Hell, which is the same mission Dean and Sam were on in season three, except that Dean had a support circle and she did not. She only had herself.
You wouldn’t understand. No one did. Never mind. I’ll just do what I’ve always done, I’ll deal with it myself.
- She was a thief!
She sure was. I’m sure the show’s heroes wouldn’t do anything like that. They wouldn’t commit credit card fraud or anything. They definitely wouldn’t steal people’s cars off the street. It’s not like Sam and Dean steal whatever they need to in order to meet their personal goals and needs.
They would never.
- She was just a bitch!
I see this so often. What does this even mean? What does this say about her character? What does ‘bitch’ mean to you?
Are you talking about her snarky sense of humor, the one that’s a lot like Dean’s? Are you talking about her mocking them and being rude to them, kind of how Dean does to anyone he doesn’t like, and some people he does?
There’s a good reason she and Dean clashed so perfectly. She has a similarly traumatic and abusive history, and many of her personality traits and defense mechanisms that developed as a result of that also developed in Dean.
DEAN
Hey, Bela, how’d you get like this, huh? What, did Daddy not give you enough hugs or something?BELA
I don’t know. Your daddy give you enough? Don’t you dare look down your nose at me. You’re not better than I am.Except you find these traits endearing in him, and unforgivable in her.
- Well, she should have just told them she was abused, then they would have helped her!
This one confuses me so much. Can you picture Dean opening up about his abuse and trauma to someone he barely knows and has no reason to trust? Because that’s what you’re asking of Bela.
You firmly believe they would have helped and understood. You’ve also, at this point, been watching the show for three seasons, and you know Sam and Dean and their history and motivations well.
Try to look at this from Bela’s perspective, and tell me why she should trust them and confide in them and spill all her messy secrets out for them to judge. Tell me that the way they treat her should make her feel comfortable and safe opening up to them.
And again, she said “You wouldn’t understand. No one did.” It doesn’t seem like a stretch to think she may have opened up to other people before and gotten burned because of it. Why should she try again?
- We’re not supposed to like her anyway, she’s a bad guy!
She’s really not. Bela is not coded as a villain. What she is is an antagonist, which is not the same thing. Sam and Dean have the benefit of just happening to be the show’s protagonists.
She is morally ambiguous (and so are Sam and Dean), which is not the same as bad or evil. At times she helps the Winchesters and at times works against them - and as we later find out, she is working against them to try to save her own life. She’s an extremely complex character.
- She’s just too awesome and it’s overwhelming for me!
I feel you, friend. I feel you.
“I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you.”
:’)
There are things that need to be forgotten if you want to keep on living.
:’)
There are some people you’ll never see again. At least, not in the same way.
:’)
There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you’d better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s saying.
:’)
People can be cruelest to those they love.
:’)
You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.
:’)
Thank you. For every last bruise you gave me. For every time I sat in tears. For the million ways you hurt me. I just want to tell you this: You broke my world. Made me strong. Thank you. Messed up my dreams. Made me strong. Thank you!
:’)
Some people look for a beautiful place, others make a place beautiful.
:’)
I don’t think there’s anything sadder than when two people are meant to be together and something intervenes.
:’)
Sometimes what you really need to do is just move on. The person you loved has gone … don’t hurt yourself by holding on to them.
:’)
I swear that when our lips touch, I can taste the next 60 years of my life.
:’)
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
:’)
Everybody has gone through something that changed them
:’)
I build dreams for you.
:’)
You can change yourself and you can change the situation but you absolutely cannot change other people. Only they can do that.
:’)
Closing your eyes isn’t going to change anything. Nothing’s going to disappear just because you can’t see what’s going on.
:’)
I knew she didn’t love me, but I adored her anyway.
:’)
:’)
Sometimes the best way to get someone’s attention is to stop giving them yours.
:’)
