#sadboihours

3:54am and i cannot sleep, ah yes.. depression✌

crying in the shower? never heard of it. lmaoo

we fell in love because of our differences,

we believed in opposites attract.

but now it feels like two worlds colliding,

and i dont know if we can handle the shake.

dismissive attachment style.

I’m broken. Not broken as in wanting someone to come and fix me. I’m broken because I believe there’s nothing wrong with me yet I’m hurting the people around me. I’m broken because I choose to let go of people when things get too rocky. I’m broken because walking away is more appealing to me than solving issues. I truly cannot accept the fact that someone loves me so much they want to be with me forever. I cannot believe someone will actually fight for me. It does not make sense in my head and I don’t know when I’ll finally open up to you. My friend told me that maybe sometimes I picked fights with you to see if you truly care about me. Sometimes I wonder if this relationship is even worth changing myself for. But you really are someone I do not want to let go of. You are someone I do not want to walk away from. You are someone I see myself opening up to.

for once i just want to love someone without the fear of being unloved.

you were the main character in my story

i felt like the happiest girl in the world for a month

but turns out our romance ends in chapter nineteen

and soon you disappeared from my life

you dont know how sick you were until you detach yourself from the environment that gave you the disease. you dont know how shitty you were treated until you let go of all the negative beliefs and habits that you developed. you dont know how strong you were until you realised that you have held on for so long and survived.

thank you for giving me the privilege to love you and i really hope i was worth your time.

i know i should not have fallen in love with you. we will never be together and that your heart belongs to someone else.

but what am i suppose to do when words are stuck in the back of my throat every time you smile at me? what am i suppose to do when my breathing stops whenever you lean in close to me? what am i suppose to do when i feel lightheaded every time you say my name?

and the worst part is that you dont even like girls. you hold so much power over me without even knowing it.

though we didnt have a happy ending, i never once regret the time we spent together. i dont think neither of us expected our future to be this way, none of us thought we would get separated from each other. i wish we had more opportunities but at least i got to experience what its like to be loved by you.

i swear i would do anything just to touch you again. i would give up everything if that means i get to see that smile of yours for the last time. i would happily rest in peace if i have the chance to tell you how much i loved you just once more. why is life so unfair?

i wonder what would happen if we ever meet again. would you be happy to see me? or would you just treat me like another stranger crossing the road?

i used to love airplanes. i loved going to the airport and packing my suitcases. i used to crave escaping to a different point of view and meeting strangers from all around the world.

that was before i met you. that was before i had to say goodbye to you while staring hopelessly at your sad smile. i never thought i’d look at you in that state and i never want to experience that heartbreak ever again. that was all before i had to feel what its like to be an ocean away from you.

how i wish im still as naive as before.

sometimes i wonder if im always going to go back to you. i feel bad for all the people i have pushed away for you but my mind won’t stop calling your name. i lay awake at night wishing for things to be different, wishing my presence is the one you crave. i pray to whichever God for our paths to cross again and i imagine all the sentences i’ll say in an attempt to make you like me again.

but do you ever feel that way about me when you’re with him?

I know we’ve said goodbye a hundred times but I still see your shadows in places we used to go to.

Looking back, I think the hardest thing about letting you go wasn’t the fact that I had to forget about you. Truth be told, I have not forgotten about how head over heels i was for you at all. In fact, I still think about the possibilities of us being together in the future sometimes. However, what took me so long to accept was that I wasn’t in love with you. I didn’t know you at all and I still don’t. I was in love with the thought of you, a daydream of you in my head. I was in love with my imagination and it was selfish of me to paint a picture of you that may not even exist. Sometimes I wonder if you have even helped me to become a better person or was it my own mind that gave me the courage. Regardless of the answer, I’m still happy that I got the chance to love you.

i said i wanna die yet i still look both ways before crossing the road. i said i hate myself yet i still fight to get out of bed every morning. i said im done with everyone yet i still check up on my friends to make sure they are all okay.

maybe there’s still a tiny part of me that wants to hold on.

maybe i still have a little bit of hope left.

i wonder if you still smile unconsciously when you think of me.

or am i a fool for still holding on?

you said you’ll love me till the end and i believed you. little did i know our ending would be in a couple of months.