#my journal
10/21/20
10/20/20. Quote credit to twitter user @/drill.
Breakfast of happy siracha eggs, blood orange and some blueberry yogurt
Dinner with my ride or die was a big pile of tofu chow mein!
The leftovers from this will be tomorrow’s lunch too, which saves me so much time!
LUNCH! And breakfast, I don’t really eat breakfast on weekdays!
½ cucumber, whole yellow pepper, 3 laughing cow cheese with gluten free rice crackers, raspberries, a banana, a blood Orange, and a banana chocolate chip muffin.
HEALTH GOTH 2020.
I always want to burn everything down and start from the ground up when I feel like I’ve “failed” at something.
We aren’t going to count Health Goth as a failure, but I would like to stop ebbing and flowing between things and stick with this again, like I did in the summer.
Where I am- it’s cold. Like lots of heavy snowfall, colder than the surface of Mars cold. We have BRUTAL winters, it truly is the boreal wastelands, the frigid tundra.
It makes your moods do backflips. The highs of good days can feel so good and the lows of bad days can feel so so bad. The lows last longer too. They linger, like the cold does in the depths of your spine.
All that being said, I am ready to get back on track, ready to feel better again, ready to reclaim Health Goth.
So for everyone who stuck around, forgetting they were following this blog- Hi! I’m back. And for anyone who is just joining my journey- Welcome.
Let’s feel better, together.
⚔️
Life events:
This past Wednesday I performed my first tattoo on a slab of pig skin.
I did a few different designs that my mentor picked out for me, and went though so many emotions while learning how to properly use the tattoo machine.
This coming week my mentor wants me to tattoo a small design on myself and her, I’m really nervous, but after apprenticing for 11 months it’s nice to finally have the machine in my hand, practicing the actual craft as opposed to just watching, stenciling, setting up, tearing down, etc.
It’s so bizzare to have a career path, to be working towards something else and new.
⚔️
eggy sandwich with Valentina and an orange! with a side of yogurt, bran, and granola!
a great 1pm breakfast for this thicccccccc goth.
tomorrow I get to tattoo pig skin, which is a HUGE step in my tattoo career!
For anyone who doesn’t know I am a tattoo apprentice and professional body piercer
Tomorrow is going to be a good day, right ?
I’m back!
It’s been a few weeks, and I’ve fallen off the wagon (again, big surprise!) but here I am, worming my way back to feeling less like shit- or at least that’s the goal.
I have been eating pretty well. It hasn’t been all fried chicken and fast food - there has been a lot of bubble tea though. That’s my weakness right now, bubble tea .
I’ve been packing lunches that have been healthy, lots of veggies and hummus, but now I’m going to put my attention back into this blog.
Today I’m boiling a chicken carcass to make chicken soup for the week. I have a vegetable mix that I’m going to add, if I remember I will take more progress photos.
Work lunch of cucumbers, strawberries, rice crackers, banana, cheese, olives, and leftover farmer sausage.
Featuring my critters hopping around as I try to take my photos they were too cute to crop out!
I’ve been physically ill for the past week but I feel like I may be starting to feel a bit better, slowly but surely. Today I am apprenticing so hopefully everything goes well!
yogurt with granola and bran and a leftover turkey sandwich.
my life has been weirdly chaotic, my BPD has been a rollercoaster.
I’m sorry for being absent
All Goth no Health
I didn’t get the opportunity to grocery shop this week so this is what my meal looks like- everything I had hanging around the house that was on the go edible.
Yogurt and bran, cinnamon toast crunch and oat milk, and a Reese’s bat.
Today is going to have quite a bit of sugar, I think I’ll likely order something else to have today, perhaps a smoothie or salad!
I’ve been awake since 4am and tossing and turning all night before that…
Sleep and I have always had a hard time getting along. I adore sleep. The vivid dreams, the horrid nightmares, I love it all. For me however, it’s always been a delicate balance of medication, temperature, pillows, proper positioning, lights (I wear a sleep mask) and sounds (I have a fish tank in my room which has a filter running at all times).
It’s always been hard for me to get up in the mornings. I greatly dislike getting up before I’m ready to wake up naturally, and I love sleeping for as long as possible, which used to be a problem but isn’t as much of one anymore. I feel like sometimes I’m addicted to sleep, always chasing that perfect, restful night, which comes so so rarely…
it’s almost the same lunch! but this one is a bit different.
I’m so excited that today is Friday. I’m going to be without my favorite coworker at work today because she’s super sick, which is a bummer, but at least it’s Friday and then I have my weekend to really catch up on some sleep!
what are you looking forward to this weekend?
I’m very into pasta salad these past two weeks, next week I’m going to mix it up and have something else but right now this has been a good lunch.
This one I made with tortellini, with some peppers and strawberries, some matcha alligators from Squish for a little sweet treat, my life’s blood - double bergamot, and a banana.
Yesterday was a really tough day emotionally. I couldn’t find myself invested in anything that went on, and I couldn’t really bring my energy levels up.
Today I’m running our Curse of Strahd D&D campaign for the first time in a couple months. I’ve been emotionally seperated from it for a while so it’s intimidating to start up again, but all I can do is my best.
Instagram: Toadwitch
If your curious about my life and my work outside of this blog, more Goth and less Health you can check out my Instagram!
Feeling Sick
Chronic nausea is something I have suffered from for about 11 years.
When I stopped being able to breathe, about 6 years ago, I was living in an apartment with two roommates. Over time my ability to…. well breathe was compromised so often that I ended up in the emergency room. Thinking I had developed some sort of lung issue or asthma of some sort I went in thinking I would find out and be cured- only to discover that the truth was I was having such intense panic at all times that my body had gone sort of into shock and wasn’t allowing me to breathe without other (usual) physical or emotional symptoms. The other thing they guessed was some sort of chronic heartburn causing me to be nauseous all the time, yet exacerbated by the stress of the panic.
After a while I got the breathing under control, a symptom that still comes in week or month long waves when my stress and anxiety levels reach their peak, but the nausea and heartburn is something that has always truly escaped me. When I started feeling this way I never thought it would go on for so long, yet looking back, obviously it has.
Being ill is never easy. It took me so long to understand how my body was reacting to my moods, emotions, and especially what I ate.
I do believe for myself everything is such a delicate balance- I walk a tightrope of medication, therapy, and diet to try to keep myself from falling off, but I fall often, and often hard.
Today I feel so incredibly sick. The nausea and bodily discomfort is so horribly intense that I will without a doubt have to sit propped up against a wall of pillows to sleep. I’ll have to make sure I stay far away from trigger foods for quite some time, and really put more work into reminding myself that I don’t like to feel this way.
Tomorrow I go back to work, to work on my art, my apprenticeship, and my career.
One like = one “good luck” for my work week
2:00 brunch!
Yogurt, berries, bran and granola with a homegrown toasted tomato sandwich!
I slept super well last night which was nice, I can’t remember the last time I slept that well. The cool breeze through my windows and the smell of damp fall leaves was so comforting it was almost hypnotizing.
I love fall, I love Halloween, I can’t wait for more fall things in my life!
I haven’t been feeling well the past few days.
Barely sleeping, barely eating, general unwellness.
I made this lunch for myself yesterday and didn’t end up touching much of it due to feeling so unwell so that is both yesterday’s lunch and today’s.
Please note this is not a good example of proper eating and this is not a frequent pattern for me, but being honest about food here is important to me. People should be eating everyday and I stand behind that, but illness and sickness will impact that for sure.
I’m no longer counting days, it’s getting weird and confusing and hard but September is Health Goth’s 3rd month.
Today I was sick and running a fever so I consumed a lot of water, as you should when you don’t feel well! I also had a nice fried egg sandwich with ham for breakfast and made some fajita pasta with pork for dinner.
I plan on meal prepping for my upcoming work week tomorrow so stay tuned for that!
