Okay, so, I’m a bit of a stoner and when I smoke, I get hardcore munchies. I’m trying to restrict while smoking daily and it’s really hard to manage both at the same time, does anyone have any tips to help surpress appetite?
Okay, so, for pretty much the past week I have been losing weight every day and then this morning I maintained even though I only ate half a bowl of wonton soup and a piece of Toblerone… what the fuck body? I’ve been doing stomach exercises like crazy, so I hope that maybe I’m just gaining muscle. It’s very unlikely though
So I wrote something, it’ bad, so just a cringe warning. Please don’t steal it(not that you’d want to lmao) but anyways yeah.
TW: angsty stuff, you know the drill
“Tragically Beautiful”
I want to be heartbreakingly enchanting
I want to be despairingly hopeful
I want to be grievously blissful
To keep falling deeper into depression until I glow because I’m the brightest thing in the inevitable darkness
To be immensely consumed by the scorching reality of my burning anxiety founded in fear, that I ignite into a mesmerizing fire.
To exist in a void of painful numbness until I disappear forever, where nothing hurts and I’m perfectly serene.
To be enveloped by an infinite number of demons, so that I am the closest thing to an angel.
To starve myself of more than love, causing the image reflected in the mirror to grow invisible, little by little it vanishes, eventually only a memory, a magical phantom of what once was real.
To pierce my lifeless complexion, letting out the enchanting crimson, emerging from the chasm I’ve made with silver, forming like water droplets, revealing that under the depth, I’m alive.
To convincingly wear my mask and skillfully play my part, a deceivingly perfect show I put on, costumes of lies and sets made of illusions. To keep my secrets, hide my imperfections, and bury my truths.
So my mom is doing like a two week fast with a break in between for Christmas dinner. Which means my dad is going to be in charge of dinner, which means getting food delivered to eat and not eating together at the kitchen table. This is my chance to skip dinner as much as I please, and secretly fast with my mom.
I don’t think normal people will ever truly understand the millions of thoughts that run through your mind and the agonizing pain of deciding whether to eat or not. The amount of questions and calculations that I can’t stop:
What’s the portion size? Can I cut it down? How many calories is it? How many calories is my limit? How many calories have I had today? How many left in my daily limit? How many calories have I burned today already? How many more will I have to? How many miles do I have to run to burn that? Do I really want it? Really need it? What did I eat yesterday? How many calories? What about the days before? What am I going to eat tomorrow? Is mom cooking dinner? What she going to cook? How many calories? Or are we going out? Am I able to fast tomorrow? How long? At what time will I finish this meal? How much do I weight today? What’s the difference between last week? How many pounds to go until I reach my goal weight? How many days left until my selected date to reach it? What about my waist? Will it go up an inch? How much will I gain?…and on…and on.
It’s never fucking ending. Even after you’ve already taken a bite.
I’m so happy. So this morning when I woke up my collarbones were more prominent than usual, and I had less back fat. Stepped on the scale just now, 135.00. I’ve hit my GW2 and my pre-quarantine weight. I’ve officially lost the 22 pounds I gained!
Tried on my favorite pair of jeans that I’ve had since 8th grade(Size 4, AE mom jeans). They’re still way to tight, but at least I can zip them up now, I couldn’t before, so it’s at least progress . 15 pounds to go before they fit right, but I’ll weigh less than that when I hit my UGW. Can’t wait until they’re perfectly loose.
Never knew how much I missed touching my collarbones until I could feel them again, and I never want to go back to being so disgusting that I couldn’t.
Why can’t I just take all the Halloween candy in my house and burn it? Can I just throw everything else in my pantry and fridge in the fire while I’m at it? It wouldn’t be a threat anymore.
