#hopeless

“nothing lasts forever”

“the v o i d”

“nothing but admired”

“strings and painful things”

Sometimes I feel so insecure as shit and I think about myself and these words are coming into my mind : “fat”, “ugly”, “small piece of shit”, “worthless”, “unattractive” etc. They just appear in my mind and all I want at that very moment is to write them down on my arms or my legs. And I think about how bad I want to take my razor blades and just do it. Just to let the pain go away. Just to make these words disappear from my mind. Just to be able to fucking sleep without feeling this way.

But then I remember those words are already on my arms and/or legs. I remember I’ve already done that to myself.

And I realise I still want to do it again.

And I think that’s what hurts the most.

I had a dream I was seven

Climbing my way in a tree

I saw a piece of heaven

Waiting impatient for me.

aurora, runaway

As days passes by i gradually have lost weight and energy such as to do my work and the things i like to do, maybe is the quarantine or the lack of friends or of moments i don’t know.

PS:flm  

I can’t keep living this life of so little, yet with so much pain.

I recommend you don’t hurt me for your own sake

just because everything feels hopeless doesn’t mean it is. i spent years of my life thinking there was no hope for me, that i would genuinely never get better and if it were possible, it would have already happened. but then i got better. i have hope. and i’m so glad i pushed through the hopelessness because let me tell you: you might not think it’ll happen to you but it will. you’re gonna get out of this one day and you’re gonna realise things are actually okay.

after being numb for so long, i welcome the pain.