#dear diary

Dear Diary,

I don’t care about anything anymore. I’ve buried my dreams so deep within myself no amount of self harm could ever carve them out.

Dear Diary,

I don’t think I was meant to live.

Dear Diary,

Why do I feel so much?

Dear Diary,

Living with memory loss is hard, I can’t reminisce about my childhood, I can hardly experience nostalgia. At least I get to make new, happy memories everyday. That’s the only thing that makes me happy and that’s enough for me.

Dear Diary,

She called me an angel with slit wrists.

Dear ▇▇▇,

The way you give me attention and affection so unpredictably makes me miss you even more. Everytime I see your name pop up on my screen I immediately forget how miserable I feel and become even more desperate for you. Can you feel it too, the kind of pain made out of real love?

Dear Diary,

I exist to be consumed by others, I live only to be used.

Dear Diary,

I find it so funny when people tell me “it’s all in your head” , uh ya that’s kind of the problem.

Dear Diary,

You know those times when there’s a really significant event in your life and so your abuser reaches out to you but you have to be nice to protect yourself?

Dear Diary,

I am greatful for my depression. If I hadn’t experienced such awful things in life then I would never know true happiness.

Dear Diary,

Apparently I’m too young to know abuse.

Dear Diary,

I was stupid for believing I could accomplish anything, my pathetic life isn’t heading anywhere.

Entry number three: Emptiness

Dear Diary,

I don’t want to continue living but I don’t want to die.

Entry number two: Anger

Dear Diary,

happy fucking new year. Everyone’s talking about new year’s resolutions and getting a chance at a fresh start but I don’t know if that’s even an option for me. I understand the importance of moving forward with life but how can I simply let go of my past? Your past is what shapes you, your life experiences help you grow as a person. Sometimes holding on to something can cause more damaging than letting go but I can’t abandon my past self. Although the few memories that I have are quite melancholic I still feel a sense of comfort looking back at my childhood. One of the reasons why I write this is to help myself remember incase I forget. The entirety of my childhood is extremely blurry, I only know as much as I do about my past because of files on me, medical records, videos, pictures, old journals and stories other people have told me. I can’t really experience nostalgia because I barely have anything to look back on. It feels like there’s something very important that I don’t remember, it’s like I’m missing something. According to professionals my memory loss was likely caused by something traumatic, I know that by blocking out my memories my brain is protecting me but if something that horrible happened that it caused me lose my memory I would like to know. I feel so awful, it’s because of a past event that I can’t let go. Why should I have to feel bad? I was just a child, I still am just a child and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was helpless, small and terrified, I know exactly who to blame. I’m done feeling inferior and scared all the time I’m fucking angry now. He is the reason that I’m so fucked up. He’s the reason why I constantly feel like something’s missing. He is one if the main causes of my addiction. He is why I’m stuck in the past. He is the source of my issues. He can live without any consequences while I’m stuck like this, normally I would never wish ill intentions on someone but he deserves it. I want him to hurt like I hurt. I want him to know what it feels like to be small, weak and terrified. If I really take the time to think about it, the overwhelming rage that I feel is pointless, what can I possibly do now? These are the kinds if things that make me wish I was never born.

Entry number one: Introduction

Dear Diary,

I’m lost. I’ve been struggling with mental health issues and trauma ever since I can remember, living is a chore. It all started when I was -actually scratch that- since I was born everything pretty much went to shit, I basically grew up in the hospital. When I wasn’t in the hospital I was at school where I would get bullied every single day, to add to that the teachers and staff were physically abusive. The worst part of that was I couldn’t even tell anybody because I wasn’t able to soeak the language that was being taught, if I were to speak my native language I would be punished. It was awful. The only place left where I could feel safe was at home but I guess that was too much to ask for from my deadbeat dad. Luckily I was never physically hit or abused at home but I’d be lying if I told you I grew up in a happy household. I’m not sure if this is a good or a bad thing but I can’t remember most of my childhood, according to doctors I have trauma induced memory loss along with other diagnoses. I know you’re probably thinking “She’s just trying to be edgy and shit, what an attention whore”. Before you make any assumptions about me know that I’m professionally diagnosed, not that there’s anything wrong with being self diagnosed. Just because some stupid kids decided that having depression is quirky it doesn’t give people the right to invalidate others mental illnesses. All that to say if you have any negative opinions about me or my blog please keep them to yourself, I’m not writing all of this shit to start drama. I’m writing this because I want people to have something they relate too and know that they’re not alone, that and it’s my only healthy coping mechanism. Just so we’re clear, I’m not looking for anyone’s pity. That said I can barely think anymore i’ll write to you hopefully tomorrow.

Day 35 - p r o c e s s

Everything has changed, you say.
I describe to you the past weeks of my life;
a door leading to a hallway
the hallway could be 
a passenger’s terminal
of an airport
with flights that are still awaiting
their destination.

And hasn’t it always been that way, really?

Everything has changed, you say,
and perhaps nothing really has.
Are we too close to notice
the process,
like falling asleep
with noting really happening
then suddenly happening
so fast?

- r.iver

If I cannot find a seat in the room, is this event not made for such a guest? Do you make your own room, do you sit on the floor, do you steal someone else’s seat or do you quietly leave the room?

I haven’t had a lot to say lately. I found fresh air outside the packed room. I am not really sure what happened in there. Sometimes I peek through the window and my breath fogged up the glass. I tried wiping the steam off the glass but gave up halfway and started doodling pictures with my finger instead. 

Once in a while someone will look back at me through the clear parts of the window my finger has touched. Quickly they realize they are looking at my message backwards and retreat back into crowd. 

Sometimes passersby see me writing and my messages the right way. But they are all too busy with their own things and hurried on. “Cheers”, they say. They turn the corner and I never see them again. I wonder where they are off to.

I am not sure why I am standing here at the window. Fascinated by the hustle and bustle. When I look around and across the street I see others doodling on their windows, but they are all busy writing their own message, back towards me.

I’d hop on a bus and now I am on the inside of a window. Everyone seems to be walking so slowly. I find comfort knowing I am going somewhere. It usually end with me falling asleep on the bus and got woken up by the driver. 

È talmente difficile far capire agli altri che questa è la mia vita. Che nessuno ha potere decisionale su quello che faccio perché questa vita è soltanto mia. Questo corpo è soltanto. A volte mi sembra che tutti cerchino di convincermi del contrario, che tutti cerchino di decidere come devo gestire la mia esistenza. Il mio corpo. La mia mente. Per quale ragione dovrei accettare una cosa simile? Per quale ragione dovrei lasciare che siano gli altri a decidere come devo curarmi di me stessa? Che senso ha?
È la mia vita. L'unica vita che ho.
Ho il diritto di farci quello che voglio.
È l'unica cosa che mi appartiene veramente.

오늘의 일기 쓰기 4월 11일

오늘은 4월 11일 화요일이고 마침내 봄이 뉴욕에 찾아왔어요! 이번 주는 90 일 한국어 도전의 마지막 주여서 목요일에 제 네번째 진행하는 비디오를 녹화할 예정이에요.하지만 요즘 영어 선생님이되기 위해 공부하고있어서 지난 2주동안 한국어를 공부하지 않았었어요. 많은 것을 읽어야하고 제 TEFL 온라인 수업을 이달 말까지 완료해야해요. 영어 선생님 훈련 수업이 끝난 후에, 한국어를 다시 열심히 공부하겠어요. 5월에 또 봐요~!

Today is Tuesday April 11th and spring has finally arrived in NYC! This is the last week of my 90-day Korean language challenge, so I’ll record my fourth progress video on Thursday. But lately, I’ve been studying to become an English teacher, so for the past 2 weeks, I haven’t been studying Korean. I have to read a lot and I need to complete my online TEFL course by the end of the month. Once my English teacher training course is finished, I’ll resume diligently studying Korean again. See you again in May~!