It’s really hard to care about dying when you’ve felt like you’ve been dead for so long.

justapasserby:

I just want to sleep to the point that i won’t wake up ‘cause in that way i won’t feel anyhing anymore

Why does it hurt so much to live

I really like this guy but all I can think of is how embarrassing it would be for him if we actually got together

I’m trying, I really am. But I feel like I’m such a failure at life and that’s all people see.

Why

Sometimes I literally allow myself to fantasise about being in a relationship. Being with someone who loves me, being intimate. But it only takes that one thought to bring everything crashing down. That one thought that says that “I’m not good enough for that”. And the sad part is I believe it. It’s ridiculous really but so heartbreaking

I went to take something from my sister and as I was walking away, I heard my mother tell my sister how big I am and they started talking about my size and I know it seems petty but that’s all it takes for me to want to skip dinner and cry. It’s not like skipping dinner will make me smaller but it fills me with some sort of satisfaction.

I Remember

I still remember my first breakdown. Skin hot, eyes swollen, gasping on the floor feeling like every other breath would be my last. I didn’t mean to explode. Emotions pouring out like a pressurised bottle filled with water. Rivulets of tears running down my face like a river of flowing water. The lump in my throat growing until I was choking on my own skin, like my body wanted to kill me.

Maybe it should have.

I don’t remember how long I lay there. It could have been 5 minutes, 10, 15, an hour, who knows? What I do remember is how I picked myself up, wiped my tears, blew my nose and promised myself it would be my first and my last.

How foolish and naïve I was. Gullible enough to belive my own lie.

If you were to ask me, how many more times I allowed my emotions to control me, force me to my knees, with my eyes squeezed shut, like a sinner begging for forgiveness, and I did feel like a sinner, but the crimes to me were unknown, I would not be able to tell you.

I still remember the first time I was exposed to suicide personally. I wondered; why would someone take their own life? What could force you to commit such a crime. Who could have hurt you so badly?

But then I learnt. I learnt that their reason wouldn’t matter to me because to me that person’s problem may seem insignificant to me but to them, it was worth dying for. For me, it was the words shot at me from the mouths of classmates, family and even strangers. The words leaving their mouths like bullets firing out of a gun, striking its target, fast and true. Breaking down the walls of my confidence and self worth that took years to build. 13 to be exact. Broken down in the span of what, 3 days for the most. They left me vulnerable to the voice in my head. That’s the “who”. The one who hurts you the most. The one who haunts you day and night. Laying dormant in your mind until you are stripped bare, with no protection, no way of fighting. It eats you up alive, from the inside until you feel like an imposter in your own skin. Like a corpse, donning a body to fit in the smiling crowds and happy faces. And when you are are alone and you remove that mask, all you are left is feeling broken and lifeless. You then proceed to wishing someone would see how you’ve changed, how you have lost the twinkle in your eyes, that sparkle in your smile. Days begin blurring together, forming one big dark cloud. Time slips from your fingertips, taunting you, until you just need it to stop. You need the feelings to stop, the stares, the voices.

Everything.

Stop.

Please?

It is not death you crave but silence from the harsh tormenting voice, driving you to the point of madness. Outlining each and every one of your flaws from the scar on your face, to the stretch marks on your back, causing your lack of trust in people to the cuts on your thighs…

We all have a different story, some not as extreme and others ten times ass worse. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t feel what you feel. Your feelings are yours, don’t let anybody tell you how to feel.

I may not remember everything in my life, but I remember many of my firsts that began to destroy me. I remember how young I was, so little I understood.

I dont know which is better, knowing and understanding another’s pain or being oblivious to what would have been mine.

When I’m distracted it’s easy to forget how shitty I feel about life and myself. But after those hours, it’s back to square one. Hating myself.

If only crying burned as much calories as exercise. I’d be as pretty as my fav thinspo

There nothing harder than having to pretend as though you’re not being eaten up inside when around people. I’m tired of it all, I just want to stay in my room alone forever but I can’t because my family still needs me. I just want it to stop.

“The most devastating part of having depression is not the numbness, the crying or feeling no emotions. It’s the inability to do the things you love so dearly. You could love reading, it is something you can do every day but one day you’re sitting down and you forget how it feels to sink into a book. To lose yourself into another dimension. I think that is the most devastating part of depression, to be eradicated - even for a moment - from doing the things you love with everything in you. For me, that is the most devastating, gut-wrenching emotion that depression brings along with it. The inability to love the things that once made you delirious.”

- g.d. (loss)

“You give and give, only to realize that there isn’t much left to give. So you shut doors and learn to heal, learn to give to yourself. Only to have people say you’re being selfish. But then retort and say “Fuck you, I am still going to give but to myself first."”

- g.d. (i’m important as well) 

How does everyone deal with their depression? I feel like I need a new method to deal with mine. To all my followers and anyone reading this..how do you do it? How do stop or treat the oncoming depressive day or episode? I would love to hear your replies and maybe we can help each other out!

“Raise girls to be resilient, raise your voice to be heard and when silenced, raise it higher. In a household of girls, my parents always told me that I was to be educated so I wouldn’t have a man treat me less than I deserved. That I work so hard that I wouldn’t need a man to tell me I was not enough. So I persevered, I stood by morals and chose to educate myself with books and words. But I am still silenced at times for calling myself a feminist, for speaking a little too forcefully, laughing too loudly, and writing too freely. I then understood that I was a woman, a woman with a voice who spoke for all woman who were afraid to. A boy fears a woman who is strong and educated, don’t worry because you don’t need him. If you know who you are, what you do and you are proud. That is all you need, you is all you need. “

- g.d (to all the woman) 

“Depression is when you’re sitting in your room and you can hear people laughing and all you can do is listen in to their laughter and not bring yourself to feel happy with them. It is when you’re angry at your mom for brining you into a world to only want to escape it (even though it’s not her fault). It’s when you just want to cry but can’t because god forbid someone saw tear stains on your cheeks. So you just sit still in hope that the numbness will pass, and that you make it through the day. When all you want is to sleep and not wake up ever again.”

- g.d. (what depression is) 

“Sometimes people forget how hard it is to go about your day. How hard it is to just love someone who loves you. When depression hits you, you forget everything, you forget that you’re loved and you love someone. Because its this piece of shit that reminds you constantly that you are not worthy of the love. That whatever you set out to do won’t be enough because you are not enough. I feel this constantly. Some days I’ll be fine but days like today, breathing even crying feels like the biggest task in life. So, I want everyone to know, that this will pass and one day we will look back and realize that this had to happen, to let us become who we are today.”

- g.d (this will make us weak before it makes us strong)

“Little birdie, sing me a song.

Reflect upon me what goes on;

In such misery do I decree

That a mind as cluttered as mine

Shall soon struggle to breathe.”

“Oh, it’s that guy again…”