#disorders

“… we cannot take it, in the case of insane persons, that their actions do in fact manifest settled dispositions, character traits, in any real sense, or at least anything like the sense we take non-insane persons’ actions to do so. The link between disposition and action seems to be severed by insanity, not because it alters the capacities of the insane person, but because it involves disordered thought and behaviour which is not patterned by the structure of thought (both in terms of reason and emotion) by which we normally communicate and interpret each other’s actions.”

— Lacey, State Punishment(1988)

Psychologist: based on how you are feeling and how you are eating… You might have relapsed….

Therapist : do you not eat because you want to lose weight? Are you counting calories again?

Me:

Posting my tweet here too hehe

My side profile is like O

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Oh so I’m fat ?

Then how does it feel to see your favorite shorts you wore when you were 10 fall down my legs auntie ☺️?

if you get the patience  read this, if you go through the same things, feel free to hit me up, i’m interested in starting a convo on this.

A detail i have come along to realize about myself, is that i cycle in between anxiety and depression. i have no idea if there is a specific diagnosis for this, if it is simply just, i have both and they sometimes overlap and other times appear separate. I was wondering if anybody else is like this. This is not just, one day i am anxious and the other day i am terribly depressed. I have always lived with these two very different emotional states, and they come in waves that sometimes i can’t even predict or control. my therapist has always treated me as being someone who suffers from generalized anxiety, but for some reason i have always known there as a bit more to it. Thing is i hid my depression out of shame, and surely i wanted to do the same about my anxiety, but it is such a more violent and unpredictable state, that sometimes it would just burst out and i could not control it.

So it usually starts with an outburst of anxiety, if i was to put it in the perspective of my worst i would wake up every morning with an impending sense of doom and i would go along my day hyper aware of every single thing around me. My brain can’t stop at those times, it thinks about every single thing that most people do not think about, and then worry about specific thoughts and details of said thoughts, and even in the peace and quiet of my own bedroom i would freak out, burst into tears, have a panic attack, you name it. And usually this general state would go on for a significant amount of time, especially if i was expecting something to happen.

And then that nervous state would either be disrupted by an outer influence, or it would shift on it’s own into, not what i would call the polar opposite, often i would still feel anxious, but it would mostly just shift into depression. and in those times i would just not care, i would wake up not with a sense of doom, but i would simply remember who i am and i would hate it and want to disappear. So there i would go into a period of time where i was mainly depressed. 

i will get anxiety about getting depression and then i will get depressed about having anxiety. First i thought that i either had one or the other, and then i would have a smaller percentage of the other illness. Then i thought, well i must have both, but they’re completely separate, and you are just weird like that. But it never felt quite right, and the more i get to know about myself, the older i get, i just believe that they are sort of interchangeable, or even connected in some way. hell, it might even be the same thing. I know one person can be diagnosed with several metal illnesses, but i mean, i only have this one brain, would it not make more sense, since these problems seem to have the same origin, it is not something that i have developed from any particular trauma that i remember, i do have traumas and i have mental consequences and tel tales of said traumas, but analyzing my behavior, even that is separate from my anxiety and my depression.

i mean what am i supposed to say, “oh just let me list all of the things my brain has decided to fuck up on, lets see, anxiety, depression,anorexia AND bulimia at at least one point, technically also orthorexia for around a year and a half, very very likely ptsd from serious abuse, but that’s separate from the other things, have i told you i also get body dysmorphia? oh yeah chronic panic attacks and i get easily addicted to things”…. to me it just seems like i am some sort of grocery list. At one point i started to worry if i was thinking about all these things i had, if i was not just a hypochondriac or an illness collector. Which is completely idiotic, i’ve been diagnosed and treated for all of the mental illnesses above, it was never something that i made up in my mind.

But with a certain amount of psychological knowledge (i mean 8 years of intense therapy gets you some skills in at least understanding what the heck is going on) I ended up to the conclusion, i am neither going to restrict myself into one single problem, neither am i going to list every single problem in the book.

so let’s synthesize. 

I have a restrictive eating disorder, it shifts and adapts as the circumstances of my life appear, like a parasite trying to resist medication; reasons: biology with a gymnastics background and a perfectionist head

i have at least a mild to moderate form of ptsd, it is fairly recent and it is yet to be completely understood by my treatment teams at it’s fullest extent;reasons: I am a rape victim but previous to that i endured abuse from several “sources”, which built up and eventually burst when a more major event happened.

And then i have anxiety and depression. It show up as mutated sort of mental illness. almost like a bipolar individual (which i am absolutely not); i cycle between these two states as if one caused he other, or just, i have both and my brain gets too tired from one thing and goes to the other thing, or depending on the situation it will react accordingly, but it always has a tendency to find a way to get depressed or anxious and then i am more likely that in  a span of a few weeks of that constant feeling,  or even months, i will change into the other state, or into normality.

any thoughts?

• Be prepared: Think about the different reactions, positive and negative, that the person might have so you’re prepared. The person will be thinking about their perception of mental illness, you as a person and how the two fit together.
• Choose a good time: Choose a time and place when you feel comfortable and ready to talk.
• Be ready for lots of questions…or none: The person you are talking to might have lots of questions or need further formation to help them understand. Or they might feel uncomfortable and try to move the conversation on – if this happens it’s still helpful that the first step has been taken.
• An initial reaction might not last: The person might initially react in a way that’s not helpful – maybe changing the subject, using clichés rather than listening. But give them time.
• Have some information ready: Sometimes people find it easier to find out more in their own time – why not hand them a leaflet or a printout of some information on what you’re dealing with?
• Keep it light: We know that sometimes people are afraid to talk about mental health because they feel they don’t know what to say or how to help. So keeping the conversation light will help make you both feel relaxed.
• Take up opportunities to talk: If someone asks you about your mental health, don’t shy away, be yourself and answer honestly if you feel safe doing so.
• Courage is contagious: Often once mental health is out in the open, people want to talk. Don’t be surprised if your honesty encourages other people to talk about their own experiences.
• Give them time: Some people need to take a little to think about things like this, maybe do their own research before they want to go deeper into the topic. This is not necessarily a bad sign!
• Their reaction is not your fault: Unfortunately, there will always be people that do not react well. While that is disappointing, keep in mind that this is not your fault. You can’t be blamed for what you’re dealing with and did nothing wrong - the problem is their attitude, not you.
• Let them know what you need: Be open about how you would like them to support you - it can be much easier for people to not feel overwhelmed when they know what is expected of them.
• Remember this is about you: Make sure you are comfortable with everything that happens and is discussed. Don’t let them ask questions that make you uncomfortable and don’t just accommodate them.

Let me know if anything should be added/changed!

Do:

• Be direct and honest; talk openly
• Be positive; encourage your friend
• Encourage trust
• Listen carefully
• Be supportive
• Take care of yourself
• Be available
• Be patient
• Express concerns in specific terms
• Be aware and non-judgmental
• Ask what you can do to help
• Respect “no"s
• Ask questions, be responsive
• Educate yourself on the disorder (if they have one)
• Pay attention
• Take talk of suicide very seriously
• Be natural, be yourself
• Invite your friend out for walks, activities and fun
• Give them space when they need it
• Remind your friend there is hope
• Remember that they may not always see that hope

Do not:

• Act shocked
• Be critical, skeptical or dismissive
• Be patronizing or overpowering
• Lecture
• Take over your friend’s life
• Respond negatively
• Avoid the concern or issue
• Judge your friend
• Give up or get discouraged
• Get defensive or angry
• Tell your friend to ‘snap out of it’
• Ignore your friend’s concerns
• Suggest you have all the answers
• Try to be their therapist
• Be afraid of being wrong
• Joke about the situation (but let them joke if they want to)
• Ask “why”
• Overextend yourself
• Try to diagnose your friend
• Be disappointed if they can’t do certain things
• Push them past their limits
• Pushyourself past your limits to help

If you can think of anything else or have any corrections, please reply to this post or send me an ask!

I have a speech disorder called cluttering. I was diagnosed with it in college by a speech pathologist that my supervisor recommended for me. Basically cluttering is a speech disorder that causes your brain to struggle to process too much information at the same time and when you speak, your speech has a difficult time keeping up with your thoughts causing you to speak too rapidly and sometimes, wind up tripping over your own words. It’s often confused with stuttering. 

What having a cluttering disorder is like (or at least for me):

- When I speak, I have a very difficult time controlling the rate of my speech. I speak waaay too fast sometimes 90% of the time people can’t understand what I’m saying. So I often have to repeat myself several times. 

-I dread public speaking and speaking to people so badly that I often try to avoid having to speak to people in general unless I really have to. It also doesn’t help that I’m introverted. So I’m usually very quiet unless I’m around people who I feel comfortable being around or if I’m really happy. This is pretty bad because I started teaching an after-school illustration class to middle-school students this year and I always worry that the kids aren’t going to be able to understand me and they’ve already noticed that I speak very fast and they ask me about it. But I have a really hard time speaking the words “I have a speech disorder” so I don’t usually tell them about it. Which leads to my next point…

-There are so many words that I can’t say properly without tripping over my words. Like for example, here’s a list of some words and phrases that I have trouble saying:

1) What does it look like?

2) Particular

3) Participate 

4) Specific and other words that start with “sp” 

5) Comfortable 

6) Sometimes (when saying it at the end of a sentence)

7) Say that again

-Since I have so many things running through my mind at once, I often struggle with multitasking when I’m dealing with people. I have no problem writing, listening to a YouTube video and watching TV at the same time and being able to pay attention to everything I’m doing but if I have to perform a task while speaking to someone, my brain starts short-circuiting. I can’t comprehend what they are saying. I’ve noticed this for a while but just recalled while my girlfriend was speaking to me as I was writing this. 

-Whenever I speak, I wind up having to correct myself mid-sentence because I know that what I’m saying doesn’t sound right or that the person that I’m speaking to isn’t going to be able to understand me. 

-Whenever I’m angry or upset, my speech is at its worst. My speech becomes incoherent, I jumble my words too much and I have to wait until I calm down before I speak. 

-I say “um” way too much when I speak because I am trying to catch myself before my speech falters and to give myself time to process my thoughts before I speak. 

-I often slur my words together and when I hear what I say after I’ve said it, more than half the time, I ask myself “what the hell did I just say??”

-I have a problem breathing when I speak sometimes because speaking is physically and mentally draining for me. It’s really embarrassing because I’ll be trying to say one sentence and I can’t get out what I’m trying to say because I have to take a deep breath.

-I constantly dread going to my teaching job on Thursdays and Fridays because I have to get up in front of a group of kids, present a lesson, speak to them about their work, ask them questions and explain other things to them. I also have to communicate with my supervisors in person which is something I don’t do at my other job. We mainly communicate through email because my worksite is separate from the main site. But with my 2nd job, if I have to speak to my supervisors, I mostly have to speak to them in person. 

-Ihate speaking on the phone. The only people I feel comfortable speaking to on the phone are my mom, girlfriend and a few close friends. And this is terrible because I’ve missed networking events and opportunities to collaborate with people and have gallery shows because I was too afraid to call people. 

-Working retail was a nightmare because it involved so much speaking and communicating with people. I always volunteered to work on the register (even though I hated cashiering) so that I could avoid being on the sales floor longer than I needed to and have to help customers. Dealing with one person at a time at the register was a lot easier than dealing a million people coming up to me at once all asking for help. Since then, I’ve avoiding applying for retail/customer service related jobs like the plague. 

-I’m constantly angry and frustrated because I know that my speech disorder limits me from doing a lot of things like have a conversation with a person I’ve never met, public speaking and expressing my thoughts. It makes me feel as though I can’t function as a human being. 

I don’t know how common this speech disorder is now. I’ve seen some videos on YouTube and it made me feel a little better knowing that there are other people out there who have my speech disorder and that I’m not alone. So please, reblog this if you have a speech disorder and can relate. Also, below are videos of myself speaking about my disorder. 

You never really know whose listening to you until someone from the outside shows you that they are aware of whats going on with you and decide to become your supporter.

When I decided to be open about my PCOS on facebook, it was like no one really cared despite me explaining what it was because I got remarks that ranged from “all you have to do is just work out” to “fat people always make an excuse as to why their big.”

Because of that and like many others, we turn to support groups and other sites such as tumblr.

But then I slowly got discourage. I became bitter and annoyed with how people saw this as a made up thing, that people who suffer with PCOS just want attention. That doctors who claim their existence is to help people was instead covered with remarks such as “irregular periods are normal for someone your size, just lose weight.” Or “What is PCOS?” Or “theres no such thing as PCOS.”

I thought, “If doctors won’t even recognize this, what makes me so sure anyone i know would?”

Then today a friend shared a post on my timeline created by Daisy Ridley about what she went through. With the caption:

“I thought of you when I read this. Here’s to hoping that there will be more awareness which leads to more solutions as time goes on.”

My voice was heard. It may have not touched a large crowd, but it touched one person.

It made me realize, thats how awareness starts; lighting one candle at a time no matter what source of fire you may have.