Should I be concerned by how often my inner monologue is a dialogue?

I never thought my eating disorder was real cause I was never severely emaciated. Yes I was underweight and yes I had a feeding tube at one point, but people would always make comments like “You are extremely skinny, but it doesnt look like you have an ed”. Now my brain is constantly like prove it to yourself and get THAT skinny. Then another part of my brain is like, that’s so stupid and will only make you more miserable. Anyone relate or am I just crazy lol?

My dad straight up told me to stop seeing my therapist. That I should just shove all of my bad feelings down and “put a lid on it”. I have never more clearly seen the way he fucked up my head.

Being hypersexual feels so disgusting. I want nothing to do with my own thoughts and I keep convincing myself they’re just intrusive thoughts but what if this whole time it’s just me?

This hit hard.

Sorry ive been completely inactive

Im so sorry guys …… that I haven’t been on here for so long ….. my depression and anxiety is getting completely out of hand again. Im just really in a bad place right now . I feel awful about not posting and things…. I fell like I should just force myself to push my feelings down so i can post for you guys because I really really hate to not post anything. But i also don’t want to burden anyone because I honestly suck at hiding my feelings and I don’t want to put all my problems on you guys so that’s why ive been inactive. Now i cant really promise you that I’ll post soon because I don’t know how long im gonna be like this ….. ive finally gotten a therapist and i got back to her in three weeks so hopefully she will help ,but until then i may not post and…im just so sorry guys I just really really don’t want to bother you all by venting out my problems to you because that not really a good thing ….. if i do i might beat myself up for it later for being weak and letting my weakness show ….. I really really hate to do that even tho i do it everyday to my family…… I feel so bad for them that they have to deal with me and my illnesses……. ugh i wish i was better at hiding this so I won’t burden them …….. ok so I just wanted to explain to you all why I haven’t been posting because you all deserve to know and im gonna stop this before I start to spill any of my feelings or thoughts. But i want you all to know that im truly sorry for not being strong and posting for you but instead letting my emotions get the best of me and prevent me from being active. Again i am so sorry…… remember i love you guys so much and I hope you can forgive me for my selfishness.

Three’s a crowd

working on bettering myself

I remember when I was 16. I stopped going to school and started just laying in bed. The only time I would get up was when I needed the bathroom or wanted to eat.

This one time, in a one sided argument, my mom said that she would love to be me, laying in bed all day, being lazy and doing nothing.

I don’t think she understood how fucking depressing it was to live life in a state of isolation and feel like you can’t escape it.

Laying in bed for days isn’t relaxing.

Doing nothing with your life isn’t peaceful

Being in a state of low-functioning depression doesn’t mean you are lazy.

Sometimes I woke up and forced myself back to sleep because I had no reason to be awake.

When I rolled to the empty side of the bed, my bones would crack, and my muscles would stiffen.

I couldn’t get comfortable at all.

I was dirty from going days without showering

I had to cut my long hair because it was so matted that I couldn’t even run a toothpick through it.

I was exhausted even tho I did absolutely nothing for the past couple months.

See, the fact that I was doing nothing made me feel even more hopeless about my future. The fact that I was doing nothing made me feel guilty and shameful.

I woke up everyday with a desire to die, because I knew I wasn’t going to make it anywhere in life.

The only distraction I had was my iPod.

Even switching through the same 3 fucking apps wasn’t fun anymore,

There was no joy, no happiness. No reason to live… and I think the thing that hurt the most was simply existing.

I don’t think my mom would have loved to be me…

Little did she know that the life she lived, was the one I craved, but also, the one I felt like I would never be able to achieve.

I often think back to those bleak times and wonder how I even made it through the day…but somehow I did…because now I’m in the student council for the high school that I will be graduating from this year…

I never believed in the light at the end of the tunnel until finally saw it for myself.

It just took some work :)