#panic disorder

Isn’t it funny how something that use to be the worst habit like cutting,carving and burning took over your life, but then all of a sudden its just easy to stop..?

i have been self harming for a year and a half and the longest i have ever gone is 6-7 weeks.. i am currently at 5 weeks and my goal is 8+ weeks. it use to be all i would think about.. 24/7 i would self harm once, twice maybe even 3 times? a day depending in what was going on… i have self harmed not only at home but at school as well.

i remembered one time i was so depressed and didn’t have blade and i was out shopping with one of my best friends and i bought a package of pencil sharpeners and took the blades out cause i was so desperate.

now that i think of it i just think of how i don’t want to be that person and how gross that is, to be so addicted like that, i have no longer wanted to self harm in like 5 months it just doesn’t really appeal to me anymore but when shit happens that’s all i really know to do so i trying to fix that and change that into new habits that are good.!!!

although i say that.. ever since i slowed down and stopped self harming i have started starving myself and am under weight but i will be trying harder to recover as i need to be strong to susceed in my sport,

-Depressed mess (B)

ily all stay strong xoxo

check out my instagram @you.wrecked.me._

dnps-things:

just-bpd-thoughts:

Me, in the middle of a panic attack: I’m probably faking it

why the FUCK does this happen to us? why do we do this to ourselves!?

I feel like a huge part of it is because a lot of us grew up being doubted and treated like we didn’t know what we were talking about when we had a problem at some point or another because children aren’t usually taken seriously even when the situation is worse than anyone could guess

Me, in the middle of a panic attack: I’m probably faking it

wlwoc:

you’re not a bad person if you can’t protest due to accessibility, physical disability, neurodivergency, lack of transportation, an unsafe environment, needing to work, fear of violence, the people around you, or any other issue that would put you in danger. (this goes especially for poc.)

I am currently in recovery and it has been really hard to stay off this site.

But…

someone had said something about my ED and I honestly dont know how I feel. One day I’ll starve and the next I’ll eat the proper recovery amount.

I dont know if I’m going to relapse or not and its scaring me.

I’m healthy right now, but…

I could be skinny and it’s all I have ever wanted.

• *help.me.i.dont.want.to.feel.*

I feel that in my SOUL.

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don’t feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home.

And I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

And now, it’s time to leave and turn to dust

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed its knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
Held on as tightly as you held on me
Held on as tightly as you held on me

And I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

And now, it’s time to leave and turn to dust

Let the silence ease the wildness
Your embrace clears the storm in my head
Why do I love you more when I’m wasted?
I only welcome care when I’m wounded

You are a promise of brightness
The triumph of life over self-hate
But I take all you gave for granted
What really matters I keep breaking

I’m turning horizons into battlegrounds
I cannot walk ahead without your guidance

Can I hold on? Can I hold onto you?
Can I hold on? Can I hold onto you?

Can reliance ease the madness
When every voice says I’m worthless?
I thought I would find the force from fighting
But if I win alone, I’m losing

I’m turning horizons into battlegrounds
I cannot walk ahead without your guidance
I’m turning horizons into battlegrounds
And every step I take without a sound

Can I hold on? Can I hold onto you?
Can I hold on? Can I hold onto you?
Can I hold on? Can I hold onto you?
Can I hold on? Can I hold onto you?

You don’t have to see your life’s purpose
now and all the time if you can’t find it anywhere
Just stay a little longer

Nobody understands and there is no point
to try and make amends
Just stay a little longer

You say you want to end it.
You can’t stand it, the pain
Just stay a while longer

What does a minute of your time on earth do
Nothing, you say, nothing, really.
Just stay a little longer

Maybe in a minute you’ll see
Maybe tomorrow you’ll feel
Maybe on friday you’ll know
Maybe next year you’ll be glad
that you stayed a little while longer
to see what else can break
to see what else can ache
to make another mistake

It would be a terrible shame
if something happened just now
And you wouldn’t be there
to see it all go down
What if something happened
right when you choose to fly away
I see you made up your mind
but I hear your plane is delayed

Maybe in a minute you’ll see
Maybe tomorrow you’ll feel
Maybe on friday you’ll know
Maybe next year you’ll be glad
that you stayed a little while longer
to see what else can break
to see what else can ache
to make another mistake

Now as he sits
In the back of the grey caravan
Tomorrow he’ll probably be
Jumping Parisian metro barriers
With a bottle in his hands
Sparkling, sparkling water mixed with peaches and rum
“Honestly I don’t drink
But if I did this would be my favourite punch”
He said

Walk out the door with her
He could see everyone dressed in black
A class that seem too far, too fetched
She said look at you, look at you, the game is over
Your cup is full, your cup is full
Stop praying for more exposure
It is obvious that you are trying
Dubious, stop or you die here
You’re pretending but no one is buying

London, London, London is calling you
What are you waiting for?
What you searching for?
London, London, London is all in you
Why are you denying the truth?
“I might, I might, I might be boring you” he said
Although it’s not clear as the morning dew
Though my preferred ways are not happening
I won’t underestimate who I am capable of becoming

History will be made today
Is written boldly on his face
So clear you could hardly miss it
You could hardly miss it
For transcending the barriers
Of yesterday was and is the dream
On a road where Cleopatra comes and goes
Like fishes caught in ponds
Then thrown back for fun

She said, “Look at you, look at you, just pick a fleet”
Your cup is full, your cup is full
What have you not yet achieved?
It is obvious that you are trying
Dubious, stop or you die here
You’re pretending but no one is buying

London, London, London is calling you
What are you waiting for?
What you searching for?
London, London, London is all in you
Why are you denying the truth?
“I might, I might, I might be boring you” he said
Although it’s not clear as the morning dew
Though my preferred ways are not happening
I won’t underestimate
Who I am capable of becoming

Do you dare
Take a breath
Do you dream of a tragic death
I know you do

Do you wail
Do you weep
Do you sing yourself to sleep
You delicate flower

And so what is love?
And who am I
To dare to pull the stars from your favourite sky

You were born
Forth from joy
You’re every girl and boy
You know you are, you know you are

And you dress
Like a dame
And you burn on a catholic flame
By the hours, by the hours

And so what is love?
And who am I?
To dare to pull the stars from your favourite sky

You possess
Savoir faire
Put cheap bleach on your hair
You know you do, you know you do

Do you dare
Take a breath
Do you dream of a tragic death
You delicate flower

And so what is love?
And who am I?
To dare to pull the stars from your favourite sky

And so what is love?
And who am I?
To dare to pull the stars from your favourite sky
From your favourite sky

Some Sunday morning see you
Picking up the fun
Ticking down the last time
Before the credits run
The traffic isn’t moving or it’s moving awful slow
To the sound of you complaining
We got nowhere left to go

You need a drug to make the stars come down
You need a drug to make you shine
You need the pills to take you home again
Don’t be so ladida, so ladida
You need the drugs

You need a drug to make the stars come down
You need a drug to make you shine
You need the pills to take you home again
Don’t be so ladida, so ladida

All of your tomorrows are a dream I never had
Everything is broken, everything unsaid
But I see all your shadows running
Circles at my feet
And you’re making all the promises that
No one never keeps

You need a drug to make the stars come down
You need a drug to make you shine
You need the pills to take you home again
Don’t be so ladida, so ladida
You need the drugs

I dream I can’t sleep
Think I should leave
You can keep the fillings
In my teeth
There’s no one to blame
Cause this ain’t a game
The disease and the cure
Are one and the same
If I’m alive or I’m bored
If I’m dead or ignored
You’ll be on my mind

I hope you’ll agree
We didn’t get wasted
For free
Cause if you believe
It’s harder to see
The whole’s the best part
Of siamese hearts
Forever in debt
Forever disarmed
In the shade of the sun
We’ll bloom‚ till we’re young
Till I’m on your mind
Cause

You look like summer
Wouldn’t dare to survive you
And I can’t stand any colour
I can black out
That’s what we’re used to

Since I’m nowhere
I’ve never felt more
Out of place
I’ll burn my tongue
Till I forget your taste
In the future you’ll be
The most beautiful past
When tomorrow’s sunk into
My world of glass

Nearly hoped
Nearly home

People
Dancing shadows on a wall
People
Talking pictures on a wall

(And they talk, and they talk, and they talk…)

And I can’t breathe
There’s no air in here at all
Just too many people
Here they come to take it all

People
Smiling lips and painted eyes
People
Endless words and clever lies

(And they talk, and they talk, and they talk…)

And they talk ‘til I can’t breathe
There’s no end to this at all
Now I’m one of the people

Stop
Hiding behind your face
One of the endless people
Hiding behind a face

Stop
Hiding behind your face
One of the endless people
Hiding behind a face

Stop
Stop

A storm is happening in my bedroom

She is vicious and violent

Removing her costume,

while the room is silent.