I have been burning up with a painful skull fever for the past 2 days and the ONLY time someone bothered to ‘check on me’, was when 1) they wanted me to get up and help them find something and 2) to tell me to give my HDMI cable to my OLDER brother because boohoo, he lost his. Cry me a river, why the fuck doesn’t anyone fucking care about me here? I don’t fucking get it anymore, why is it all about my older ass brother? He gets sick and acts like an ungrateful pissy brat and he has my mom rushing to his side asking if he wants anything? Is there anything she can get for him? BITCH WHAT ABOUT ME?!
The relationship I have with my body is extremely odd and abusive, like obviously I starve myself and yo-yo binge and purge and all that. Self harm and the verbal and mental abuse I throw at myself is a given. But then I realized, I am also extremely protective over my body like, I don’t want people looking at me, rarely do I want them for all to me, and I hate when I’m touched.
If this were a dating relationship, I would have broken up with them right away. My body probably wants to break up with me for how bad I treat it. Maybe that’s why I think about suicide, because that’s my body telling me it isn’t happy with this relationship and wants out of it.
Guys, my family….are a bunch a frickin’ dense idiots sometimes.
They’re smart in the wrong places and dumb in others.
Determined in the most idiotic moments and careless in the ones that mean the most.
Just…god I wish I had enough patience to write you guys the whole story of what a drama show this family is, but there’s not enough adhd medication in the world for that. Like, I try to warn them “don’t do this” or “perhaps word that differently” and what do they do? They go and be stupid anyway and guess who’s caught up in the middle? Me. Bro, I just want to live in PEACE!
Wanna know something cool? I’ve gained some weight these past couple of months and instead of panicking and fasting for days to get it all off in a week or so, I’ve made myself go into a healthy calorie deficit of 1500 a day and I’ve never felt better. I dont feel quilty about gaining weight anymore, and even tho theres still some fear present whenever I plan on stepping on the scale, i still do it and i remind myself that everything is going to be okay. I make sure I’m eating a good amount of protein every day, also this December I’ll start going to the gym and do some weight lifting to add some muscle which will make my weight loss journey even easier because having muscle burns more calories throughout the day. I’m excited. I’ll keep u guys updated.
I’m so tired of this shit… I restrict for 2 months, lose weight, get motivated, decide I want to lose weight in a healthy way bcs I’m tired of feeling like shit, it doesnt work, i gain weight, i feel like shit (mentally), I decide I’m going to restrict again, I fail in doing so because I cant control myself, i feel even more shitty….
It’s so pathetic. Like, just dont fucking eat it’s not that hard. Plus it’s the only way I’m actually gonna get results so I should just suck it up for 3-4 months and I’ll get there, to my goal weight. I mean, I’ll still be a sad pathetic bitch, but atleast I wont be fat.
So whenever I feel like sTarTiNg tO loSe WeiGht tHe hEaltHy wAy, I’m just gonna read this over and over again.
I’ve managed to not binge for a while and it’s making me lose a couple of pounds, which is good.
But I’ve noticed I’ve been a lot meaner to my friends for no reason and I’ve been a lot more impatient with them. It just makes me sad because I cant control it and I’m genuinely almost always angry. (Bcs I dont eat that much)
But hey, I gotta make some sacrifices along the way to stop looking like a pig. If I have to lose a couple of friends along the way… then I guess thats just gonna have to happen.
Recently, I started doing intermittent fasting. It’s not that difficult for me tbh, and it’s becoming easier to do over time. I eat from 12 PM to 6 PM, during that time I have two smaller meals. I’ll keep you guys updated.
